I want to give custody to my ex husband

[TryingToStaySane2]

My ex husband (British) lives in the US.
My two children are at boarding school in the UK. I live and work in London.

My children are teenagers and I am struggling with the single parent role. To the point where last weekend ex h sent me a text telling me I was a bad mother. I have been mulling it over for some time. And whilst the children seem to be unhappy with me, (I cant compete with the glamorous American lifestyle and fun they have with Daddy, pizzas, and fizzy drinks...heaven!) I have been unhappy for some time, and my ex h texting me telling me I am a bad useless mother doesn't help.

I want to pack it all in. They can live with him, he can do the "real" parenting. Washing clothes, arguing over whether they need to wear a coat or smart shoes, or get a haircut. He can juggle dentist, orthodonist, trips, meeting up with friends, collecting them from parties. I work too, and I fit it in.

I am in a job I don't enjoy. It just washes it's face in terms of paying my bills. But I now want to live for me, I am mid 40's, have a good figure, and want to go and LIVE a little, before my health goes and before I realise my life is almost over.

I want out of this negative bubble I am in. The 3 elements of my life, are all unhappy with me.

I need time out.

So I rent my place in London and it pays for me to travel and just sort out my head.

HOW do I start the custody process. I dont want to spend money on legal fees. I will just hand them over to ex h.

No doubt people will judge but my parents, my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

Help please with how to start this...and I would be interested to hear from any other mums who may have done this? I do believe that within a few years they will be back with me, but I have to let them go for them to realise this...

OP, may I ask you quite seriously, do you have any history of mental health problems? This is such an extreme thing to do. Your DC must be at GCSE ages and need you around. I have experience of boarding school and someone has to be around to deal with stuff...if not you then who? By all means have them stay at school longer if you have to, though without a job why do you have to?

I do have some sympathy for you but right now it's your poor DC I'm feeling it for. And I have nothing against boarding school per se. It's all in the name. School. Not New Home with teachers instead of parents.

Go and see your GP ASAP and don't finalise anything in the meantime.

So if you go off travelling and he's in the States, who handles the weekly chores for the kids? You mention up thread that even though they're away there are still issues to deal with from housemistress/masters during the week. Things they have forgotten that need couriered to school.

Is your ex going to manage that stuff from the US? This doesn't seem impossible, I have to say, since I guess more of their stuff will have to be at school than currently, so the couriering slows down (and many of their classmates will have no physical support in the UK).

You sound like you're having a Shirley Valentine moment but the difference is, her children were grown up.

Why not give yourself a break of a couple of weeks, rather than 6? The point about how AirBnB is handled with a physical presence in the UK is the same as how the kids' stuff gets handled.

OP it seems you have made major decisions today, quitting your job is massive, I don't know how easy it will be for you to find work again. Your DC are at an age where parenting is very difficult but in a few short years it will totally change. I don't know what the sudden urgency to travel is and why you couldn't do that inbetween the school holidays and keep them in boarding school at weekends if you are finding it difficult at this time.
I think you are angry and jealous of exH lifestyle but doing this isn't going to make his life hell and yours great.

I really hope this isn't real. Parenting is not an optional extra. Plenty of parents treat it as such but that doesn't make it right.

Perhaps I've misunderstood, but I thought Trying's DC were going to board full-time - removing the problems of forgotten school stuff - and visit them often at school.

She's also said she's keeping her home so it'll be available for them all at school holidays.

I don't see what's so awful about that? This plan still includes more time with her children than many parents of boarders get, and there's no need to be out of touch with them while she's away.

Yes, that was my understanding too, Garlick - but do full-time boarders not forget stuff and need it sending to them? And assuming they have friends at home as weekly boarders, presumably they'll also be invited to parties and want to go to stuff at weekends as well.

I'm afraid I agree that neither of you is doing a great amount of parenting. You need to both get together and start thinking about your children and what's best for them. If you think all there is to being a parent is buying fizzy drinks then you need to go on a parenting course. The answer is not to abandon the little amount of contact you have with your children and go off round the world. But your ex is no better as he lives a long way away.

FT boarding isn't a disaster, in the old days it's what everyone did.

But I'm a bit surprised that it's possible to quit your job and set up an Airbnb listing complete with photos, rates, description, scanned passport etc and be 'inundated' with replies all within about 2 hours.

Sounds very positive. However.....

Whatever you do don't get rid of the family home for the periods you will have the kids. I went to boarding school and I found it very unsettling to find myself with no room of my own to call home when my parents moved without me. Boarding school is not home.

Now is not the time to make them homeless. They need stability and God knows a divorce and their father moving away has rocked the boat enough already. Couple that with the fact that you are either mentally unstable or unwell then those poor kids must be having a terrible time. Boarding school may be the best place for them right now but it won't protect them from this upheaval at home.

So do talk this through with your kids and see if they agree that renting the house out on air bnb is the best thing for all you. They should not be left out of a family decision like this or you are as much of a twat as their dad.

Sorry to sound harsh. But it's fair.

Btw the air bnb sounds all well and good but who is going to clean and change beds between guests? How are you going to protect your personal belongings and those of your kids? Do the kids mind strangers using their bedrooms? I would have hated it.

presumably you would be sending them to America to live and be educated. The trouble with that is that you will effectively be making them American. They will have an American education (so may be harder to go to uni in UK plus would have to pay full fees), they will have American friends and, in time, American boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wives. Even if they do start appreciating you more leaving their home and all these attachments to live with you would be hard.

^This

I have personal experience of this, it's not easy to change back countries. Of my adult children, one lives wih 2 DGC in London, another DD & DGC in the US. They happy with their lives but unhappy being so far from each other.

Also - where in the US does your ex live? Is he in a good school district? Are your children likely to go to uni? Is your ex able and willing to spend £100,000 to £150,000 per child for uni?

Whatever you decide, I would totally ignore his "bad mother" texts. If he tries to help, great. If he just attacks you - ignore, ignore, ignore. Teens are difficult; your ex clearly isn't helping.

How much parenting do you actually do for 2 teens at boarding school?

I've been a single mum for 6 years, it's bloody hard work but I do it because I love my DD. Parenting doesnt stop when you've thing you've had enough.

Can you rescind your resignation??

You're having a crisis, don't do anything rash that will land you more in the shit.

I am hoping this thread is not true...

If it is yes get yourself to the doctors...Can you not try and sort out your life without giving up on your kids...

You don't have years and years... of this .. Both your children are facing their GCSE years..This is the time they really need a parent both would be preferable.

OP have you posted before? I remember a thread where someone in similar circumstances was trying to work out the finances and logistics of a flat, a family home, 2 kids at boarding school and an ex-DH who lived abroad. If that was you, wasit that you were paying for the flat and the house so the children could come to the house on weekends? If so, you've been under a lot of pressure for a long time. I hope you can work everything out to get some space for yourself.

I think you do sound down or depressed OP, because otherwise I doubt you'd be 'completely worn out', because you have your own kids at weekends and school holidays.

Therefore now was really not a good time to quit your job and get on to Air B&B.

But the speed at which you did it, tells me you'd made up your mind before you'd even started the thread anyway.

The kids are 14 and 16 and quite honestly, it's as though they've now been dumped by both parents, so they can swan around enjoying life like single people with no responsibilities.

Someone needs to take responsibility for these children, otherwise they'll grow up thinking they're nothing but an inconvenience. That's if they don't already.

yseuite in the olden days it's what everyone did?!! What planet are you on?

Could you be bipolar? You seem to behaving very strangely, if this thread is for real. Am I reading correctly that you have given up your job before even having the big conversations with your children and exH??
What does having a good figure have to do with any of this??

But I'm a bit surprised that it's possible to quit your job and set up an Airbnb listing complete with photos, rates, description, scanned passport etc and be 'inundated' with replies all within about 2 hours.

YY, actually in just over 1 hour.

OP I am sorry you are having such a hard time

To be honest, your ex sounds like a shit parent. He's in the US, miles from his children who need him, it's the very definition of checking out and making you default parent. So he gets to be disney Dad. Lucky him.

And not only is he unaware of all this, but he's berating you for being a shit parent? He needs to look at himself, though you can't make him.

You've not got into the detail of what is so hard about the kids, but i'm guessing having little stability, a disinterested Dad (he might be fun when they visit, but he's not there for them, is he, literally or in any real emotional way?) and a mother who is unhappy and struggling is probably at the root of it.

You are right things need to change.

I am not going to say you shouldn't go travelling, or leave your job.

Certainly it will be bad for your kids, and they will feel more abandoned, let down and shunted off than they already do (They probably won't say it but they will certainly show it).

But i don't believe you sacrificing your own core well being is the right answer either. It sounds like you have little or nothing left to give. Even if you dug deep for the next few years, you may resent your children for a long time, and it sounds like the situation is unlikely to get better from here.

So, possibly, go, but give your children a clear timetable for when you will be back, and how they can reach you (or could they join you for their holidays? then you get to be the fun parent).

Or stay, and consider how else you can change your life. Change jobs? Reduce your outgoings? Could you involve your children in some of these decisions?

Would you consider family counselling, for you and your children together?

Above all, although teenagers appear to be functioning and claim to be independent, they need their parents. All behaviour is just communication, and if their behaviour is difficult they are telling you the best way they can that they are unhappy and struggling.

Your (and your ex's) job as parents is not to take that personally, but find ways to help them.

Have a look at the teen section of the Ahaparenting.com website as a start, perhaps?

Good luck.

they can swan around enjoying life like single people with no responsibilities

... at school???

The parents are not at school?

Oh, unless you thought I was talking about the kids?

I'm guessing yseuite meant that in the old days everyone who boarded did termly, not had weekends at home.

OP sounds horribly depressed. There is no evidence from your posts of a proper relationship with your children, which is why I think you seem to find it so easy to walk away. There are plenty of single parents who, while dragged down by the boring practical stuff of childcare (and Jesus, how much practical stuff IS there with teens, especially ones who are away during the week?!), have a close bond with their kids and could not contemplate severing ties with their kids. Have you EVER had a close bond with them? It just doesn't sound like they bring joy to your life and that is a massive shame. To me, you would be better trying to massively improve your relationship with them.

You can't do that, though, till you sort your own head out. Go to a counsellor, see a doctor - SOMETHING. There Is an edge of hysteria to your posts that isn't normal. If you felt strong and happy with your life you would not feel so depressed at the sight of your kids on skype to their dad. It is as if you feel (wrongly!) that your husband rejected you, and that now you are looking for signs that your kids are too, so that youcan say to yourself "there is nothing here for me so I may as well go off and be on my own."

To give up on your kids is a massive decision. Not one to make when you are so obviously unhappy in yourself. Get yourself better first, build a proper relationship with your kids so that there is a bond, find a job that you like, and then you will see your ex for what he is and lose all respect for what he has to say.

I do wish you well, but running away from your problems isn't the answer. You will only become strong again by facing up to them and finding a way to solve them.

I did think you were talking about the kids, Worra!

Actually after a second read, it does look that way!