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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to give custody to my ex husband

200 replies

TryingToStaySane2 · 25/10/2015 10:49

My ex husband (British) lives in the US.
My two children are at boarding school in the UK. I live and work in London.

My children are teenagers and I am struggling with the single parent role. To the point where last weekend ex h sent me a text telling me I was a bad mother. I have been mulling it over for some time. And whilst the children seem to be unhappy with me, (I cant compete with the glamorous American lifestyle and fun they have with Daddy, pizzas, and fizzy drinks...heaven!) I have been unhappy for some time, and my ex h texting me telling me I am a bad useless mother doesn't help.

I want to pack it all in. They can live with him, he can do the "real" parenting. Washing clothes, arguing over whether they need to wear a coat or smart shoes, or get a haircut. He can juggle dentist, orthodonist, trips, meeting up with friends, collecting them from parties. I work too, and I fit it in.

I am in a job I don't enjoy. It just washes it's face in terms of paying my bills. But I now want to live for me, I am mid 40's, have a good figure, and want to go and LIVE a little, before my health goes and before I realise my life is almost over.

I want out of this negative bubble I am in. The 3 elements of my life, are all unhappy with me.

I need time out.

So I rent my place in London and it pays for me to travel and just sort out my head.

HOW do I start the custody process. I dont want to spend money on legal fees. I will just hand them over to ex h.

No doubt people will judge but my parents, my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

Help please with how to start this...and I would be interested to hear from any other mums who may have done this? I do believe that within a few years they will be back with me, but I have to let them go for them to realise this...

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 25/10/2015 21:36

to be fair to the OP, i would have preferred teenage life without my mother. but then my mother is a selfish, unpleasant woman.

i dunno, maybe this is best for your children. i mean, it will be devastating and awful for them but time and America are great healers. probably.

gosh.

Shutthatdoor · 25/10/2015 21:39

He has very few rights in that respect, considering she was left as the resident parent.

No one knows why they divorced though. Maybe it was her ex 'fault' or maybe it was down to the OPs behaviour.

Maybe it was best for the children that she was the primary carer as the were at boarding school etc.

Lweji · 25/10/2015 21:43

If he's that worried then where is his offer of having the kids with him?
If I thought my ex and resident parent was a bad parent I'd want my children with me.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 25/10/2015 21:44

Well given how impulsive you are I'm going to join the chorus of prehaps you need to see a GP because you've just done something many parents would struggle with and you've made moves towards it in a few hours, it does sound like your in the manic phase of manic depression.

No we haven't taken it as if it's our own mum, we're trying to show how children may feel if they're suddenly uprooted and their mother has no better reason than she wants to walk away!

Beach sorry there's absolutely no need for that, your choice to live your life the way you have wanting to "punch someone in the face" because their life has put them in a situation they don't know where to turn makes me think your a bit bitter and not thinking straight yourself!

OP None of us know anything about your life but just the fact your kids are at boarding school indicates there's a lot of single parents in a lot worse situation than you. You might not realise it right now, but seriously taking away your kids home and travelling for 6 weeks at a time is going to affect them.

You need to talk to your GP and your kids

Funinthesun15 · 25/10/2015 21:45

If he's that worried then where is his offer of having the kids with him?

We don't know he hasn't

starlight2007 · 25/10/2015 21:48

Very few people could cope a day in my life.

Why exactly?.. I work full time , have to take collect my Ds from school..He hasn't seen his Dad in 5 years so I do it all except when I need to call my favours in. I can't go swimming or a gym class after school. I tend to do the shopping in my 1 1/2 hours a week where I have no work and Ds is at cubs. When people say I don't know how you do it. I tell them you do because you have to there is no one else to do it for my Ds.

Maybe you should look at your relationship with your kids and how you can improve it. I can't get over why you think travelling can't wait a couple of years... Its not like you have a toddler who will need your support for the next 16 years.

I do think you need to think about what is best for your children and mum wondering around Europe or wherever you are going while some of the most important/ toughest years of their school lives really isn't thinking about them..

Why does the decision have to be made now? It seems impulsive and not thought through this decision will affect your children and your relationship with them.

Lweji · 25/10/2015 21:50

It's not in the op that he wants them. All that I read doesn't point at all in that direction.

aprilanne · 25/10/2015 22:01

i am sorry but i cant feel much sympathy .my hubby is very ill .i have an autistic child yes high functioning but still autistic .my life at this moment is shit to be honest .its running to hospital every day for hubby home educating youngest son .dealing with over bearing inlaws .but i would never dump my children yes that is what you want to do. .you dont bring them up except at weekends holidays you have farmed out there care and then you moan you want to be you to go travelling dont we all .i can hardly believe you have posted this to be honest .

springydaffs · 25/10/2015 22:28

I may well be projecting here but I wonder if your ex is emotionally seducing your kids.

You say they talk to him constantly, they never talk to you. So you're left with the drudge and the shit and zero relationship with your kids.

Was ex abusive when you were together?

You sound desperate, in crisis.

lemonade30 · 25/10/2015 22:29

Yes OP you're incredibly selfish.

Oh well, there are worse things to be.

Try being incredibly selfish and female.

Oh, wait.....

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/10/2015 22:36

What's her gender got to do with it? Confused

BrandNewAndImproved · 25/10/2015 22:42

Men abandon their dc and start new families regularly. No one goes around shouting how selfish they are and that they want to stab them.

But a woman having a breakdown is now selfish and evil.

quicklydecides · 25/10/2015 22:44

Mmm

Lweji · 25/10/2015 22:44

I think lemonade means the OP is getting a hard time because she's female.
Whereas her seemingly just as selfish husband is being justified in his assessment of the OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/10/2015 22:47

" No one goes around shouting how selfish they are and that they want to stab them."

Really? Have you read the relationships board?

lemonade30 · 25/10/2015 22:47

Bang on there Lweji

lemonade30 · 25/10/2015 22:50

Yeah cos there's lots of members voicing their supposed intent to maim fellow members on relationships isn't there? Hmm

Yeah, thought not.

nancy75 · 25/10/2015 22:54

Men leave their kids all the time, true. How often do you read a thread on here where a man abandons his kids and people suggest he might be depressed and needing a doctor?

BrandNewAndImproved · 25/10/2015 22:57

There was a thread yesterday that got deleted when the op complained at her exs lack of child support. She got told to suck it up and stay calm.

I wasn't even talking about MN I was referring to real life where men abandon their dc and they don't get looked down or have abuse thrown at them. In fact they carry on their lives like normal leaving the rp to pick up the pieces.

But hey pick as many holes as you want to in my text Biscuit

Lweji · 25/10/2015 23:00

Yes, because the op (women) have "no option" but stick by their children. Well, we do.
Hopefully any parent is sufficiently responsible to stick by their children. But the OP does have the same options as her ex or any other parent who deserts their children.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 25/10/2015 23:10

I reckon I'd cope for a day in your life, what with the loads of money and noone to look after but yourself.

Garlick · 25/10/2015 23:20

Dear lord, so many people can't see past their own noses can they? This continued "I have it worse, so you should too" is really getting on my wick now.

None of you are selling the joys of motherhood, are you? You're merely taking the opportunity to bang on about how hard it all is for you - and kick another woman for not having it quite so hard in your eyes.

I could reply to 90% of the threads on here with bitter envy, if I chose. I know I'm not the only one. I don't find it remotely difficult to understand that everyone is different, with individual circumstances and different strengths/weaknesses.

Hint: When a poster asks for help saying "I'm conflicted" or "I'm upset", the answer is never "Suck it up, bitch."

springydaffs · 25/10/2015 23:24

Hear hear

MagersfonteinLugg · 25/10/2015 23:39

We have all been there at some stage, wanting to run away from our responsibilities with our DCs. But this thread is just so unbelievable.
No matter how much my DCs boil my piss every single day I could not even imagine walking away from them to "find myself".
TBH the very idea of sending them away to boarding school makes me so sad. I chose to have them so why would I not want to be with them.
OP, why did you have DCs at all when you seem to not want to spend any time with them at all.
It just reeks of ME ME ME.

hilbobaggins · 26/10/2015 01:10

So does your post, MagersFonteinLugg, and many others on this hideous thread. This isn't about you and your feelings about parenthood - it's about the OP, and she is suffering. Why is it so difficult to understand that her viewpoint is simply different to yours?