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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Axekick · 22/10/2015 08:59

I have to second the posters saying she didn't try to end it. She tried to get him to beg her not to end it. Which is why she sent the second text asking for closure. She was actually trying to get response.

I also second the posters saying there should be many more texts. If not he has deleted them, if he has deleted them, why? I would want the phone bill. It would be that or he leaves.

I am sorry to say OP, he isn't telling you everything.

Fugghetaboutit · 22/10/2015 09:04

Just text her back 'Closure? Are you ok?' And see what she says.

RB68 · 22/10/2015 09:05

OK you know him better than anyone here. You have choices about how to deal with this

Listen to him and discuss the whys and wherefores, possibly look at an element of counseling both around the M/C, trust and being together. 12 years is a long time and things fall into a rut - take it as a second chance. You know if he is telling lies or pulling the wool etc.

Have a flaming row and fling accusations around and go back to ignoring each other to continue for the sake of the kids

LTB

personally with children involved and the fact that he has not tried to cover it up etc I might go for 1 but whatever you have to talk and its not unusual to feel how you feel you have been betrayed emotionally and hurt.

I would also consider how he could look for another job, move to another manager etc

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 22/10/2015 09:06

OP if you want to extract more info from her by text, just text (as him obviously) "I don't think I can forget it after last night."

See what comes back.

Arf, your post of 07.47.07 should be pinned.

Only1scoop · 22/10/2015 09:07

I would also be texting pertaining to be him.

As long as you are certain he's not tipped her off etc.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 22/10/2015 09:09

With a bit of luck, you'll get a "It was only a ......" type answer.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 22/10/2015 09:11

He has already lied to you about nearly kissing then two kisses, messages can be deleted he is only saying what he thinks he can get away with. Of course you want to believe him and he is counting on that fact to get away with it.

Bellbird · 22/10/2015 09:11

What a flippin' awful way for you to start your Friday Redwhine! I really feel for you.

It sounds as though this girl has had a reality check, which is good. It's your bloomin' dh that needs a reality check too and in your position I would spend today trying to re-group, cool off a bit and put in writing your expectations of this marriage and of him as a father. You have the upper hand here, and although you probably feel violated and weak, actually you're in a powerful position.

absolutelynotfabulous · 22/10/2015 09:11

Yes, please don't trust him now. His tears are crocodile tears. He's been caught out and probably showing remorse to divert attention away from himself, like a guilty toddler. He's minimising.

This is awfulFlowers. Something very similar happened to me recently. I'm still with him to all intents and purposes but my life is about me now, not him. I don't agree with snooping/contacting the OW either-you have all the proof you need.

Please tell your family or friends what has happened to you. You need all the support you can get. They won't think any the less of you. You haven't done anything wrong, ffs. And keep posting here for support too.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 22/10/2015 09:15

And if you get an 'It was only' answer then how do you know he hasn't tipped her off? And does it actually change anything? You may be slightly more confident about the whereabouts of his penis but he still kissed her on 2 occasions and lied about it. Why does that make it a lesser 'crime' than where he stuck his dick?

Elliementalmydearwatson · 22/10/2015 09:17

You could tell him you have texted her, even though you haven't, you now know everything and watch his reaction?

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 09:19

It sounds to me as though they slept together and she regrets it now. It also sounds as though he didn't want it to stop and she did.

I would arrange to see her, I think.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 09:20

Do you have a PC or a laptop? Might he be able to get in touch with her that way?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 22/10/2015 09:21

how did the texts look on his phone? If someone is "new" to my phone then there is no ID picture, and no name attached, just the +044restofthenumber. Once I have set them as a contact then the phone usually ties up that person with any other apps, like facebook, whatsapp and the like so they have a proper picture and name entry

I'd be investigating his social media for sure.

Magpie18 · 22/10/2015 09:21

New to posting - so very sorry for your situation. I found myself in a very similar one two years ago. I believe he is minimising and will continue to unfortunately - in my experience he justified his behaviour after I found out as "to protect me, save me from further hurt" WTF! For various reasons we stayed together, but the trust has gone and I doubt it will ever return. I still have massive ups & downs and tbh regret that I didn't walk away. I'm not suggesting you do for one moment, but get as much information as you can evidenced, then take your time making your decision. Also, get support from trusted friends and/or family - I went through my situation alone. Wish you strength & happiness x

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 09:22

You could tell him you have texted her, even though you haven't, you now know everything and watch his reaction?

I doubt they've not been in contact today, they will know what they are going to say if the OP did get in touch.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/10/2015 09:22

well whatever happens he HAS done wrong and he has definitely had an emotional affair, and seems like he stepped back from the brink

Over to you |OP, I am sorry and keep taking one step at a time

you CAN fix and mocve on, if you feel that's the right thing to do.

sorry about your MC

Jo4040 · 22/10/2015 09:23

I wouldn't want to see her. She knows he had a family.

I'd fucking kill her.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/10/2015 09:23

The 'nearly kissing', 'actual kissing', 'multiple kisses', 'sex' is really not even the problem when people decide to go outside their relationship.

It's the lying, questioning and eradication of trust that's the true killer.

The kiss/sex is a red herring. It's the periphery behaviour that you need to indulge in to support the kiss/sex, that's the beginning of the end.

You're no longer a team. A pair. A couple of friends. You can't be, when you're lying to, and doubting each other.

That's why it's a LTB situation for me. It would never be the same for me.

BramblePie · 22/10/2015 09:23

The OP hasn't said he cried. Or can someone highlight it to me please?

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 09:31

He didn't step back from the brink - the OW pushed him away and told him it wasn't to happen again.

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 09:34

Of course he didn't step back from the brink.

On the contrary he deliberately walked her home to get another crack at her.

He wouldn't have done that after the first time if he were full of remorse.

He PLANNED that encounter.

Only1scoop · 22/10/2015 09:35

Indeed Yoysmum and Op you only found out about it by accident.

Only1scoop · 22/10/2015 09:36

'Joysmum'
Sorry

ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/10/2015 09:37

He sounds just like my ExH. I really doubt this was just 2 kisses. (Sorry).

Look, your H kissed her before and felt NO REMORSE, otherwise he would never have placed himself in this position again. He has left the pub to walk her home, knowing all along how that ended last time. So that's premeditated.

And do you believe that a passionate kiss at the front door, in the dark, knowing a bedroom lay inside....didn't lead to more? No fucking way. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it. And who the fuck needs "closure" after 2 kisses (is she a teenager??).

And why has she got his mobile number?

Defo get the itemised phone bill - that will tell you loads.

And yes, I'd defo send a text this morning....."sorry, only just saw your texts, bit hungover and slept in...what do you mean?"

My ExH did this and by the time I found out, he'd tried it on with over 10 women. I stayed for 4 years and tried to get past it for the kids, but every time he got pissed he did it again. I left when the kids were 9 and 11, I just couldn't take it anymore. My point here, is that I think once you've crossed that line and been forgiven, it doesn't stop.

The huge hurdle here is that he is going to keep seeing her on a daily basis at work - I couldn't cope with that.

I'm so sorry, what a Pig. Sending big hugs to you. Flowers