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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 22/10/2015 08:22

I would be telling your parents even for support. At the moment it is his dirty little secret. He needs to know that there are other people who will also be pissed off at him. It is incredibly also how these type of men show their true cours when things like this are outrun the open. I would want to know if any of my dc partners cheated on them. I would tell them exactly what I thought if it and not to ever dare do it again. You don't have to keep this a secret so people don't think badly of him! He didn't give a damn about you.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 22/10/2015 08:23

My dear friend's STBExH lied and lied about what he had been doing with his OW. Every time she found out more, he would admit to that and nothing more. He is at the point of losing his job because, despite proof positive, he still denies facts.

Cheaters lie. They will lie until their dying breath. You, sadly, can't trust a word he says on this subject. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/10/2015 08:25

Text her then you'll know. Otherwise it'll be too late, you'll dwell on it and he'll feed you more bullshit. I wouldn't be able to leave it. What a knob.

SeldomAthleticFC · 22/10/2015 08:26

If they were out drinking til 1am, she would have been pretty plastered, which could explain the overly dramatic text in response to a (second) kiss. Also, I suspect she may be hoping to elicit a response, probably along the lines of "but I want it to happen again." Or maybe she was even hoping you'd see it...
Who knows.
You need to do what you think is right. Mumsnet never forgives this sort of thing but people in real life do. I think the fact he's given you his phone is a good sign.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 22/10/2015 08:26

Even if it was only 2 kisses, if she hadn't put a stop to it you can never know how far he would have gone with it. So it isn't the extent of what's been done or not done iyswim. That's irrelevant. Ask him to get STI tested. That'll shake some reality into him.

Fontella · 22/10/2015 08:29

I think the fact he's given you his phone is a good sign

Good sign?

He gave her the phone very reluctantly, under the threat of OP taking her kids and herself to her parents and telling them everything. It was a case of 'you give it to me or else.'

And who knows what he's deleted off it previously?

RedMapleLeaf · 22/10/2015 08:30

Mumsnet never forgives this sort of thing but people in real life do.

That's not true, there are plenty of posters who have continued in relationships after affairs and cheating, both unhappily and very successfully.

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 08:31

Thank you everyone for taking the time to offer advice. I really appreciate it. It has made me feel less alone and made me be stronger.... I don't think I would have asked for the phone for example without advice. I am going to take the kids to school and talk to him after that.

This sick feeling is just like morning sickness... Hungry and nauseous and shakes. Makes me feel so sad. Can't believe a month ago we were expecting a new baby and now this....

OP posts:
ThoseAwfulCurtains · 22/10/2015 08:33

What's your gut feeling about how he's been recently? Has he been unusually attached to his phone? Distant or snappy or overly loving - any changes in behaviour? Has he started exercising, changed his hair, dressed differently or started to be interested in something new. Even tiny changes can build a pattern.

TooSassy · 22/10/2015 08:33

Oh OP. What a shit situation.

Here's my take. He may be telling you the truth, he may not be. That's the problem with these situations, no one (except the two people who did whatever they did) knows what happened.

In your shoes, I'd be asking myself one question. If it was more than a kiss, what would you do? What's your line?

FWIW my opinion? The comments of wanting closure? This is more than a kiss. Maybe not physically but certainly emotionally. You don't need closure after a random snog. And he had a chance with a woman 15 years his junior? He didn't stop at a random snog. Especially if they were outside her house. They may not have had sex, but it was more than a kiss (or two)

On a totally different note. He's her manager? What would his company make of that? That's absolutely inappropriate and could get him into serious hot water at work.

GloriaHotcakes · 22/10/2015 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 22/10/2015 08:36

Exactly, let's be clear here, he's had plenty of opportunity to delete anything he wants.

I also think her messages were a test, she wants it to continue, she wants him to say it too. She's fishing for the go ahead to continue.

I also think you should tell your DM if you think she'll support you. I'd want to know if you were my daughter. If you choose to forgive then yes it will be awkward for your family if they know, but a mothers job is to be there for you whatever you decide.

CatMilkMan · 22/10/2015 08:39

*Here's my take. He may be telling you the truth, he may not be. That's the problem with these situations, no one (except the two people who did whatever they did) knows what happened.
BINGO. If he did the absolute worst or the minimum of just a kiss he lost your trust and it is completely your fault.

Please try to keep the fact that you always have hope and the possibility to have an amazing life in the back of your mind if the life is with him or not probably isn't something you know right now.
Good luck Flowers

Ohfourfoxache · 22/10/2015 08:40

Ok, so she's the one who said "it can't happen again"? Probably repeating pp's here, but if he had a shred of decency it would have been him saying that to her.

I think you should probably text and see what the response is. He's lied already and tbh if he's done that then you actually have no reason to trust him now.

ReggaeShark · 22/10/2015 08:40

Were there only her two texts on his phone? If she had his number and they kissed twice I'd think there must have been previous texts which he's deleted. So they must have been incriminating.

CatMilkMan · 22/10/2015 08:40

COMPLETELY HIS FAULT** In no way your fault!!!

Fontella · 22/10/2015 08:44

Be firm Redwhine, on the outside at least - Oscar winning acting performance if necessary (even if you are falling to bits inside). You've caught the fucker, and it's what you do now that's important.

If you want to stay together, then he needs to feel the full enormity of what he's done, what he stands to lose and be scared shitless to even think of doing something like this again. If there are no consequences to what he's done then it gives him carte blanche to carry on/do it again.

One thing that worries me is that you keep saying you 'want to believe him'. Of course you do. But if you approach any discussions with that mindset then you are already give him a head start in persuading you 'it was nothing' and 'it will never happen again' (all the usual cliches).

Be firm, cynical and skeptical about anything that comes out of his mouth and let him see that spouting apologetic bullshit isn't going to cut it.

And there is also the issue of him working with this girl? How's that going to pan out if you do decide to give it a go with him?

Fannyupcrutch · 22/10/2015 08:49

Im with reggaeshark. Where are the other texts? I have texts going back into the thousands. They can not be the first messages exchanged between them? Which suggests that he has been covering his tracks for quite a while already and that alone makes it an affair.

I also doubt that it was just 2 kisses. The text says in plain language it can't happen again. This is no school girl that attaches a deeper meaning to a kiss, this is a full grown woman. What fully grown woman needs closure from two kisses and a little bit of inapropriate talk? There is much more to this :(

Only1scoop · 22/10/2015 08:50

He may find some way to inform her that you know.

If you are going to text I would do so pretty swiftly.

BramblePie · 22/10/2015 08:51

Ask to see his phone bill. Get him to log on to his service provider and look at the itemised bill on that. You will soon see if he has been sending more messages or calls to her than what you have seen so far.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 08:55

I would text her saying 'closure for what?'

He walked her home and kissed her, then walked her home again? Knowing what happened? He wanted it to happen, that's why he did he do it a second time? And put himself in that position.

If he regretted it the first time it wouldn't have happened again.

summerwinterton · 22/10/2015 08:57

I would agree he is minimising. But I wouldn't trust anything she has to say either. Btw if anyone leaves the house it should be him, not you and the DC.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 22/10/2015 08:58

Anyone you know who would have also been on the evening out/end of term do?

I'd imagine they left early and went back to her house, the walking her home at 1am is bullshit

Also I'd be very suspicious if those are the only two texts, he has been deleting stuff for sure.

And don't keep his secrets, don't protect him, he just doesn't deserve it.

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 08:58

Imagine you'd got carried away one night and kissed somebody. You feel guilty as hell and disgusted with yourself.

What you would do is orchestrate a way to be alone with them again in a social situation.

He walked her home because he wanted something more to happen. He wasn't disgusted and ashamed the first time and his tears are just because he's been busted.

This wasn't a one off, he's looking for action and still would be if you hadn't found out.

Don't make the mistake of allowing him to minimize this as being just one...sorry TWO kisses. He's lying to you and you're right not to trust him.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 22/10/2015 08:59

And if there's a need for a definition of what's cheating - for me it's the point at which anything in a friendship/relationship needs to be hidden from a spouse. So if he's deleted texts from her when he doesn't delete texts from other people is crossing that boundary. Even if they were 'harmless' in themselves.

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