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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Axekick · 24/10/2015 16:42

I never believed her 'this shouldn't happen again' text it was bollocks. She knew he was on his way home to you. It was plea for him to text 'I can't loose you etc'

Quote honestly, though. People 'cringing' at the OP going out isn't helpful really is it?

Should she hide away while he goes to work events? What they did shouldn't stop her going.

And no one knows if this will stop or it will continue. The OP has made a decision. People can and do move past affairs. Only time will tell if this is possible in the OPs marriage.

I think she needs support not constant telling that it will all be pointless in the end.

MatrixReloaded · 24/10/2015 16:49

Affairs are incredibly addictive. As others say their feelings haven't changed just because you've found out. I'm very concerned about the ow response, she wants to continue, and that's going to be hard for him to resist.

Your best bet to stop the affair from re igniting is to inform her partner about this affair. She's not going to be too interested in being friends with your husband when she's putting out fires at home. Like your husband she needs to feel the consequences. Telling him gives you several advantages, there's consequences for her, there's another pair of eye's on it , and he may insist she finds another job.

You need her focus off your husband and back onto her own relationship.

Fugghetaboutit · 24/10/2015 16:50

I do think he needs to think about changing schools too. Can't see how you'll cope knowing they're working closely together every day. Would drive anyone mad

Cherrybakewells1 · 24/10/2015 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Redwhine · 24/10/2015 16:58

Thanks all but I'm finished here now I think. Doubtless many of you will attribute that to me being weak and stupid. I really appreciate advice kindly meant. Sorry I made you cringe!

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 24/10/2015 17:00

I'm a bit concerned about the chat with your sister in law. Is this the sister in law who also had an affair ? You have no idea what happened with that affair, or if she ever did the necessary work required to take full responsibility.

Many ex cheaters are affair apologists. They had their reasons, it just happened blah blah. I'd be concerned she will sympathize with him, or that he will parrot to you the things he thinks he should say.

GingerIvy · 24/10/2015 17:00

Red Nobody is saying you shouldn't dress up and enjoy. Just do it for yourself, because it makes you feel good. You don't need to prove your worth to anyone, and nobody wants to see you feel like you should have to do that.

Take care.

TheoriginalLEM · 24/10/2015 17:01

so sorry that the thread turned you op. amAngry on your behalf. wishing the very best xx

TheoriginalLEM · 24/10/2015 17:01

*on

Cherrybakewells1 · 24/10/2015 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stinkilinky · 24/10/2015 17:04

De-lurking here.

I think you have handled yourself excellently OP and I wish you all the best for the future.

Cherrybakewells1 · 24/10/2015 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elendon · 24/10/2015 17:25

You are not weak and not stupid. You are doing what you feel is right for you now. And sometimes that is the best course of action to take. x

Axekick · 24/10/2015 17:42

All the best OP. Please don't let a few posts put you off posting gif you need more support in future. Flowers

Only1scoop · 24/10/2015 17:46

You are quite the opposite of weak and stupid Op.

Go to your gig tonight and have some time out from it all.

Think about you and what you want to happen.

Take care.

loveyoutothemoon · 24/10/2015 19:21

Agree with everything writer said. Good luck.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/10/2015 19:26

You are not weak or stupid. You're completely on top of this.

There are a lot of people here who support you, and if you want to come back to the thread, we'll be here to do that. Wine Flowers

eternalopt · 24/10/2015 23:02

You are not weak or stupid. Having followed this thread, if you read back through it and see the change in tone of your posts, you have grown in strength to the point where you are comfortable enough with your chosen cause of action to not need any more input from others.

Really hope it works out for you and in years to come, this is just a minor blip in a successful marriage

ForChina · 25/10/2015 00:14

I think we all really wish you the best OP. If you don't like the things you are reading, think about why. Perhaps it's making it hard for you to sweep this under the carpet as you are (understandably) so desperate to do.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 25/10/2015 00:35

Sorry OP. I think some posters like to find their own unique angles sometimes, without fully remembering that there is a real person behind the thread. If any posts upset you, you can report them. But please come back if you need to. I hope everything works out for you.

Sansoora · 25/10/2015 02:30

Thanks all but I'm finished here now I think. Doubtless many of you will attribute that to me being weak and stupid. I really appreciate advice kindly meant. Sorry I made you cringe!

I dont for a minute think you are weak or stupid. I didn't leave the first time either, I well understand your reasons for doing what you are doing and I sincerely hope you get your happy ending. Smile

Nobody is saying you shouldn't dress up and enjoy. Just do it for yourself, because it makes you feel good. You don't need to prove your worth to anyone, and nobody wants to see you feel like you should have to do that.

This. Exactly.

Any woman who's done the dressing up and going out can go home at the and of the evening and feel worse than they did previously. They can be at the event looking really good but as the evening wears on their thoughts can change to - Im looking fabulous, everyone here has really enjoyed my company, so WTH did he do what he did? It can be another one of those things that makes your head and heart feel as if its in a spindryer.

Sansoora · 25/10/2015 02:34

Quote honestly, though. People 'cringing' at the OP going out isn't helpful really is it?

Sorry - where was it said someone was cringing at the OP going out?

Sansoora · 25/10/2015 02:35

Ah ok, I just found it.

GloriaHotcakes · 25/10/2015 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrendaandEddie · 25/10/2015 06:46

here 'I did cringe a bit about the going along to the work do 'looking fabulous' thing. It is a bit, 'I'm better than her' and to be honest there's nobody you should be having to prove that to. If you turned up to work dos in a tracksuit looking like you've been dragged through a hedge it shouldn't matter. You are his wife and that's the important factor here, not whether you're funny, intelligent etc (which I'm sure you are). It makes it about her or the colleagues and none of this is about them it's about your husband who knows and sees the real you already and still chose to do this. You need to hold onto the anger a bit more tbh OP. '