Found a text on his phone....

[Redwhine]

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

He's admitted to kissing her.
Last night and another night.

He said that is all. He has reluctantly given me his phone... I said if he didn't I would phone my parents and ask them to pick me and the kids up, and I would tell them everything.

What should I do now?

Yet more minimisation from him.

What is HE going to now do to try and repair the relationship that he has damaged by his actions?. He acted here after all through his own free will.

Oh dear he has kissed her twice.
Maybe ask him to leave and give him a massive shock about what he is losing?

As for her being 15 years younger, his junior at work and you just having suffered a miscarriage- he would have to work bloody hard to get any respect back because he's behaved like a cunt.

He is her manager.

I've read the texts again. She says 'I'm sorry' and that she wants things back to normal.

I have told him I am keeping his phone today. The fact he's given it to me is the only thing that makes me believe he's told me everything. I can bear the thought of calling her... It is so sordid and as someone said soap opera ish! I don't particularly blame her either: she's quite young and not the married one.

I am going to call my best friend later and go over to hers. I need to talk to someone and I can't bear my mum to think so badly of DH. Isn't that stupid?!

I don't think you kiss till two o'clock in the morning. Plus all the angst.

I think colleagues can laugh off a drunken snog, not text in the middle of the night saying this mustn't happen again.

Sorry I think it went way further.

I'd text her from that phone now.... Before he gets a chance to warn her off. Get more info from her

There is probably more to come

He was out until 2am.

That's an awful lot of "kissing".

What an embarrassment he is. Younger woman that works for him.
God, I'd be ashamed to tell you the truth not only for moral reason but the sheer fucking cliché of it

You poor thing

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. Set that aside in this though - it's not the cause if his behaviour, although it makes his behaviour even worse. Arsehole.

Look, I think it is possible they didn't kiss. A few years back I went out with a friend who I'd got closer to, and one night we nearly kissed. But in retrospect, the chatty little almost flirty conversations we had were already cheating. The day after the near kiss, he ended things with his girlfriend, and we got together.

My gut feeling for a 02:00 night out where he admits to weeks of flirting is that it was a full kiss though.

The point, I think, is that almost kiss / kiss / sex - the betrayal is still huge.

And what I really note, is the power she thinks she has - happy to tell her boss what's wrong, what won't happen again, demand closure - by which she means, CONTACT.

All the 'must not happen again' is more flirtation.

He has repeatedly apologised and said he is ashamed. He has promised nothing like this will happen again. How can I believe him though?

I am tempted to text her pretending to be him but what could I say?! By the way how far did we go last night I can't remember?'

So he's been having a relationship with ow. She tried to stop it (via text) he didn't.

What do you want to do?

I would tell your parents. He needs to understand what he's done - he's screwed over his job and he's screwing over you when you've been so vulnerable.

Does he even begin to get this?

Oh OP. I'm afraid, for me, I would be having serious thoughts about leaving him, even just for a while to clear my head. It's disgusting that you've been going through such a hard time and he's done this behind your back. So, so disrespectful.

Seen it too many times, and it pretty much always ends the same way. Men will get away with as much as you let them. I'm really sorry he's such a knobber

You can text back now. Say something simple, see what she says.

op you poor thing. Its always the fucking same isn't it. what is wrong with these men?! I'm outraged on your behalf.

Sit down, talk to him, listen to him. Get everything out in the open. How you feel, how he feels, how did this happen, how is your relationship etc. Etc. It is easy and completely justified to be devastated and think of taking drastic steps such as leaving etc. But you have kids and it sounds like you are lucky enough to have found out about this relatively early on and at a point where you can work this out. Get some time on your own with him without interruptions and talk. If you don't want to split up and feel you can work through this, then start communicating now.

I know this gentle approach is not what many on here would advocate, but as someone who has been left by her H, being single with kids is hard, so a word of caution, if you want to keep you family together and can deal with what he has done, be willing to listen as well as get rightly angry.

Can you not say something along the lines of, 'feel rough this morning... Can't remember much, how far did it go last night!?' an see what her reaction is?

I know this sounds ridiculous but I told him I wouldn't contact her without telling him first. I don't want to be dishonourable.

Does anyone think he may be telling the truth and it was just kisses?

I must sound like such a credulous idiot but I'm honestly not. I can't stop wanting to believe him.

Agree with TinofSardines and do it quick, before he gets into work and they concoct a plausible story together.

Will he see her in work today?

Thing is - she dumped him - even more humiliating. Of course he's going to pretend it's nothing

Where is he saying they were last night?

Before you travel any further down this road, do you know where your line is ? If it turns out that he has slept with her, would you try (with him) again or would that be the end ? I think it helps to know your own mind clearly before the drama takes over.
For my part, I do not agree that the text did not 'fit' with just a kiss. It all depends on the EA that has gone before. I would assume, like many week willed men before him, he has been flattered by the attention of a much younger woman. He knows it's wrong but ignores his conscience. Ends up going for meaningful walk/snog and he comes to his senses and leaves, -she wants more and sends the 'closure' text. He gets home knowing he has overstepped the mark and feeling guilty- as he should.
Where do you stand OP ? Is a 'kiss' something you can forgive or is any disloyalty the end of your marriage. If the latter then don't get into the 'gathering' evidence scenario. It takes up to much emotional energy when you need all your reserves. If he has broken your trust to an irreparable degree, you need know nothing more except when is he leaving.

I wouldn't believe him, because why would you? Trusting in someone who has been deliberately deceitful - and let's be honest - completely heartless at a time when you need it most... I would struggle.

He isn't working today, I also have the day off. I know he need to talk but what's the point when I don't feel I can trust him?