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Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 22/10/2015 07:56

Yes, where were they til 2 am on a Wednesday night? And the time before?

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 07:57

I know this sounds ridiculous but I told him I wouldn't contact her without telling him first. I don't want to be dishonourable.

Come on.

He's been lying to your face all night, but you want to be "honourable"?

You need to find out what's gone on and he won't tell you.

Do what you need to do.

Limer · 22/10/2015 07:57

No point in texting as he will have already told her you've got his phone. Too late now, but last night you could've texted "closure for what?"

Are they working together today?

Imgivinguponyou · 22/10/2015 07:57

Unusual for a works night out midweek. Who stays out till 2am on a Wednesday? Is it possible they were alone?

Drquin · 22/10/2015 07:57

You know what, maybe it is / was "just" a couple of kisses. Maybe that part is true - maybe he's not lying about there being anything more, that it's not on-going. Absolutely, that could be the case.

But, how do you ascertain that? He needs to be absolutely truthful now - and you need to work out if is he is.

I'd not bother with her ..... She's not the problem, he is.

Imgivinguponyou · 22/10/2015 07:59

The only reason you discovered this was because of the texts. He was not going to tell you was he?

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 07:59

He gets home knowing he has overstepped the mark and feeling guilty

He stepped over the kissing mark some time ago.

Another line was crossed last night.

HeySoulSister · 22/10/2015 08:00

You have this window of opportunity you won't get again. His phone. Access to her and the truth. Did he use it yet to text her?

Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 08:00

He lied- he said it was almost kissing - then it was kissing twice.
You can't trust him Atm he is minimising.

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 08:01

It was the end of term do. He got back at two, must have left town around one. Pubs are open until then... He said he walked her home and the kiss happened outside her house. This is also what happened the last time. According to him. I don't want to contact her... The thought makes me feel ill, not sure why.

Should I stay and talk to him or go to my friends when the kids go to school?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 08:03

Oh you poor thing.

I don't think I'd contact her either.

You don't think he went in her house?

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 08:05

He's had no chance to contact her. I have both our phones and the ipad. He's with my younger son playing. I may ask him to text her in front of me something that would prove is was just a kiss depending on her response. Maybe ' sorry I kissed you it was wrong it can never go further' ? Would that work?! I HATE this! I hate being part of this pathetic sordid cliched sham!

OP posts:
Fontella · 22/10/2015 08:05

He has repeatedly apologised and said he is ashamed. He has promised nothing like this will happen again. How can I believe him though?

You can't.

He's carried on behind your back with a much younger colleague and had you not found those texts .... I doubt he would have stopped of his own volition. She might possibly have brought a stop to it (given the tone of her texts) but then again she might not. She might have succumbed to his charms, or found him irrestible .... who the hell knows, because no-one apart from them, knows the depth of their attraction to each other, how it started and exactly what has gone on between them.

Blokes like your H invariably apologise/are ashamed when they are caught red handed ... but the question you need to ask yourself is what would have happened if you hadn't caught him out?

If it was me I would bite the bullet and ring her up from his phone before he has an opportunity to speak to her himself (if it's not too late already that is). Tell her you want to know EXACTLY what has gone on between her and your husband ... and see what her unprepared response is. You need to act fast though - because you can guarantee he will be making a beeline to her to get their stories straight.

Arfarfanarf · 22/10/2015 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Intastella · 22/10/2015 08:07

I'm so sorry. I agree with Arfarfanarf. My exh minimised for 2 days when I found stuff on his phone and swore on ds (4 at the time) life, unprompted by me. It was only when I gave him the ultimatum of looking at his phone records or splitting up that he told the truth. I found the lying was the issue I couldn't get over. It's been a year tomorrow since I found out and I have a new home and a very happy new life. Ds also has a better relationship with his dad now. I'm not suggesting you choose as I did but do you think you'll be able to get over the initial lying and secrecy?

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 08:13

You should try for some space between you. Get him to move out for a while.
You could also ask the other woman what went on. But I think you know what happened and I feel heart sore for you.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 08:15

Sorry, as for her needing closure. The only thing she needs to close is her legs.

Mermaidhair · 22/10/2015 08:19

He has already lied to you. He said we nearly kissed, now it's changed to we kissed twice. I would find it so hard to respect s man that has cheated on his wife and mother of his children, after she has just miscarried. What a fucking asshole. And with a junior work colleague. What an embarrassment. You need to decide how much you can out up with. For me I know my own self worth, that would be it for me. He very obviously has no respect for you. He should be worshipping you for being his loving wife and babies mummy.

MorrisZapp · 22/10/2015 08:19

That's a disgusting comment Sansoora.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened. Got what it's worth, an almost identical scenario happened with me and a colleague, and it was just kissing. It was quite emotionally involved stuff thoughthough, and I sent very similar messages about it never happening again etcetc

Realising how close I came to chucking everything away was a massive wake up call.

Hope you get some answers.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/10/2015 08:19

I would assume, like many week willed men before him, he has been flattered by the attention of a much younger woman.

What a load of misogynistic nonsense.

I don't want to contact her... The thought makes me feel ill, not sure why.

Because her role in your life is pretty insignificant. The relationship is between you and him. Don't beat yourself up that you can't believe him - it's pretty obvious that you can't believe him and why.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/10/2015 08:21

Sorry, as for her needing closure. The only thing she needs to close is her legs.

WTF?

fuzzpig · 22/10/2015 08:21

doesn't sound like just kissing to me. Not that 'just' kissing an OW is ok anyway. Sorry OP :(

WorzelsCornyBrows · 22/10/2015 08:21

He wasn't so ashamed after the first time that it stopped it happening again was he?

He deliberately put himself in a position where it could happen, which shows an intent to take things further, even if it didn't happen.

So he walked her home, kissed her (nothing else) then went home at 2am and she needs closure? Sorry, but this was more than 2 kisses, nobody needs closure after 2 kisses.

What's more, she has ended it, he didn't reply, which suggests he wasn't happy to just end it. He's ashamed sure, but only because he got caught.

Sorry OP, but my gut says there's way more to this than he's admitting to. The fact he's minimising shows he's not actually sorry.

If I were you I would phone the OW without telling him, what do you owe him at this point. You don't need to blame her, just ask her what exactly happened as you have a right to know whether he at least used protection.

Anastasie · 22/10/2015 08:21

There is no guarantee that she will tell you the truth either.

In a sense it doesn't matter. He has lied to you and betrayed you physically anyway.

It's not the act of doing whatever with someone, for me - it is the willingness to lie about it that condemns him, as he doesn't respect you.

I would be ignoring the idea of contacting her, and telling him to pack his things and go and stay elsewhere until I had decided what to do.

This may shock him into telling the truth, but even if it doesn't, you know enough about his attitude towards your family already.

I am so sorry.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 08:21

Her texts were about keeping their relationship going.

There was no genuine intention on her part that things "go back to normal".

The second text proves that.

This is an ongoing affair.