Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
eternalopt · 22/10/2015 09:48

oh, my heart goes out to you. i have been in a similar situation myself and there is nothing worse that the stomach churning horror of it.

You have a lot to think about and nothing i am about to say is changes the fact that he has a lot of explaining to do and a he has done wrong. the hurt and betrayal he has caused must be made known to him and he needs to know how close to losing things he is.

I know a lot of people are saying "kick him to the curb", and if that is your decision, then so be it. However, if the thought of that makes you feel worse and your gut reaction is that you want to work things out, there are more things to think about if you are trying to look for something to work with:

  1. he came home. yes it was a late night, but he came home to you. He didn't call you and make some excuse to stay out all night. He didn't come in just before breakfast and pretend he'd slept on the couch. He came home and came to bed. The comfort you can draw from this depends how likely it is that the night out went on until 2am. is his workplace the type of place that would have a really late night out? can you get onto his facebook profile from his phone and check what time any work friends on this profile were out until? If it is plausible that the night out went on that long, then it's also plausible that it was just kissing in a nightclub and nothing more
  2. How drunk was he when he came home? It is absolutely no excuse, but alcohol does lower inhibitions and make you do things you wouldn't usually. I would be more upset with a sober kiss than a drunken one.
  3. the fact that he hadn't replied to the texts you saw suggests that he didn't want to get involved with the drama and was just keen to distance himself from the situation as much and as quickly as possible. you know him better than us - do you think that he just realised instantly he had done wrong and ran from the situation? If so, at least he knew before you told him that he'd been a very silly boy.
  4. how young is the girl? whilst the younger she is, the worse it looks from his point of view of taking advantage of her, it may also put comments of "why is she being so dramatic if it was just a kiss" in some context. I know I was much more dramatic in my youth so i wouldn't rule out it being just a kiss on the grounds that she's being dramatic. and kissing a married man who's also your boss is quite dramatic anyway.
  5. He has shown some signs of it being an honest confession - he has volunteered that it was two kisses when he didn't have to as you hadn't found anything else.

do remember that everyone's advice on here is subjective as well. Our individual views are coloured by whether we've been cheated on and how that panned out for us etc.. i can completely understand not wanting to tell your parents so they don't think bad of him - if you work things out, you don't want every family meal to be a staring contest. However, you need to talk to someone who knows the both of you as they will know how out of character it is for him and will be able to judge better whether he can be trusted again, so talking to a friend who knows you both is a good idea.

possum18 · 22/10/2015 09:56

Sending loads of hugs your way OP Thanks

BramblePie · 22/10/2015 09:58

eternal No - he didn't offer it up straight away. He said Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't.

Then, later on, it came out they had kissed. He kind of did have to say something because what kind of closure would you need if nothing happened?

Mermaidhair · 22/10/2015 10:03

Eternalopt I am shocked at how you have minimised the ops situation. He was drunk and he came home to you. ShockConfused

Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 10:10

I don't think op needs to be grateful or comforted that her husbands 'came home to her'.
Quite a bizarre attitude.

I don't think its fair to characterize responses as 'kick him to the kerb' either. It might well be that for this relationship to survive, to be respectful, and to be honest, the OP has to show strength now. If not, the risk is, he will do exactly the same next opportunity. He needs to understand what he is doing to them.

Will he not have emailed her, OP?

If not, Could you bring yourself to text: 'Just seen your texts. (sad face) How are you feeling about us this morning?'

scatterthenuns · 22/10/2015 10:12

Flowers I have nothing to contribute, just wishing you the best OP.

BeachysFlipFlops · 22/10/2015 10:13

I'm really hoping that he is telling you the full picture right now, however painful that is.

Don't hesitate to ask him to leave for a bit, don't hesitate to go and spend time with your friend, to get some space, and to be able to chat in RL.

Sorry you're going through this Sad

SassyPasty · 22/10/2015 10:19

eternalplot 'silly boy'??? He is a bloody grown man, a husband and a father of two Hmm

Fontella · 22/10/2015 10:26

On the contrary he deliberately walked her home to get another crack at her.

I know this isn't a humourous thread - far from it - but that did make me laugh. You've got a fine turn of phrase there Joysmum and spot on as usual.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 10:26

Yeah he came home to the OP, after spending the night getting kicks out of another woman's attention, engineering it so they could be alone (again) and slobbering all over her (again).

Yep the OP should consider that a good thing Confused

Fugghetaboutit · 22/10/2015 10:29

Bellbird hate to break it to you, bits it's Thursday Grin

Op, hope you're ok and talking

Mermaidhair · 22/10/2015 10:31

It is amazing how people are able to justify cheating. I feel like I have been given an insight into someone mind. It must be a survival instinct.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 10:31

My head did a little lift when I saw Bellbird say it was Friday. Grin

Hope you're OK, RedWhine.

Goodbetterbest · 22/10/2015 10:33

I'd ring her up and say something along the lines of 'he's told me everything. I want to hear what you have to say before I leave with the children'. Listen to what she has to say and hang up.

What I actually did was not say anything, and watch it unfold by sneaking looks at his phone. The cringy flirting, how he wanted to kiss her etc. that was the first time, some 9 years ago. Last time (many, many other things inbetween) a year ago, another colleague I texted her and said 'i'm done. Please don't he jeopardise what you have for him'. She has a toddler and a partner. She did. She is an idiot.

OP it will take a lot of work to win your trust back. He needs to be sorry enough. That is really important. XH would put a load of washing on and then three weeks later say 'aren't you over it yet'.

It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Unless you are married to a massive dick head as I was.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 10:35

In fact the fact that he came home and got into our bed after pulling that shit would make my skin crawl.

He would never have told then OP if she hadn't have checked his phone. He is sorry he has been caught. Not that he did it

Offred · 22/10/2015 10:38

To me it doesn't sound as if your H was coercive -- I don't think someone who had been on the receiving end of sexual harrassment would text the perpetrator asking for "closure"... they would just go running to HR.

I entirely disagree. Much younger people are often groomed by older people who are in positions of power.

Sorry, as for her needing closure. The only thing she needs to close is her legs. - that's absolutely disgusting!

Redwhine - I don't think you are going to be able to make a final decision about this if you are in a middle emotionally. Some people are very confident about what they want straight away but most need a little time to consider things and come to a decision and it is much easier to see things clearly when you are not in the middle of it. That's why I, and other posters, are able to give clear opinions on it.

I think for you (and me if I was in your position) it is important to try and get some distance from your h so that you can think things through properly. So that you are not living in the middle of it and being tossed around like a small boat in a stormy sea. I think you should ask him to leave the house to give you that space for now tbh.

Putting myself in your position I know what I would want myself to do, whether I would be able to be strong on it so soon or not I don't know! It would be over for me I believe.

Instead of helping support you through a miscarriage it appears he has been fostering a highly inappropriate relationship with a much younger woman at work who he has a position of authority over. It doesn't matter how much physical touching happened, it's the emotional betrayal that would matter to me - that rather than be there for me he was seeking out another woman and that the other woman was vulnerable in terms of her age and position at work.

I would never be able to forgive that, it would poison everyone's lives; mine, his and the kids, if we stayed together and tried to make it work.

It is the distance from it that allows me to have my own feelings on it. You may come to a different conclusion but I think for it to be the right one for you you need distance from it right now.

There is no sense in having his phone, in texting her, in desperately trying to find out the truth (which it is unlikely you will ever really know anyway), all that only serves to bring you more into the emotional muddle, I think you should give his phone back and ask him to move out for a couple of weeks for you to have some space. If he won't you could think about having a holiday away from him - just to get some headspace and really think about how you actually feel.

FATEdestiny · 22/10/2015 10:40

Just text her back 'Closure? Are you ok?' And see what she says.

I like this ^ suggestion

learnsomethingnew · 22/10/2015 10:41

I would ask the girl. Ask her in a nice non confrontational way. Contact her on social media if possible.She's not the enemy. Get as much evidence as you can based on facts not assumptions. If she's decent she will probably be mortified but still tell you the truth. Hugs to you

HeySoulSister · 22/10/2015 10:43

I agree fate

You'll be forever wondering otherwise, and there's enough women on MN who regret not digging further when they had the chance. It seems quite common to start 'wondering' again once the dust has settled. A year on and he goes on a night out. That's when you'll regret not finding out the full story

Axekick · 22/10/2015 10:45

entirely disagree. Much younger people are often groomed by older people who are in positions of power.

But what suggests the woman has been groomed here? Nothing.

Let's not start throwing sexual harassment around at this early stage. She is an adult.

Offred · 22/10/2015 10:48

I just disagree with the comment that people who are being sexually harassed always run straight to HR. No, they don't. Some much younger people are groomed by older people in positions of power over them at work and don't realise what has happened is exploitative or wrong until much later or do and are afraid to 'run to HR'. It's not a specific comment on the op's h having groomed the OW or not.

Offred · 22/10/2015 10:49

It's that kind of misinformed view that leads to judges saying 13 year old rape victims are predatory.

var123 · 22/10/2015 10:52

Her texts are saying we did something and I regret it, now please say you'll let me go.

That would be what I'd write if I'd felt manipulated into something I didn't really want. It would have to get much worse before I'd embarrass myself and hurt my career by running to HR. I know others are more assertive and better at handling these things but its exactly what i'd write if I wanted to get out of a situation that I didn't want to be in in the first place.

Offred · 22/10/2015 10:53

But TBH someone who is much older and who is a manager who flirts with their employee at work and engineers situations where they can have sexual contact that lead to the employee texting that it can't happen again and needing assurance of that IS sexual harassment.

Merguez · 22/10/2015 10:53

I disagree with everyone who says you should text her back pretending to be dh.

You need to keep the moral high ground, and being deceitful to try and get more information isn't going to help.

You know your dh far better than anyone on here and only you know whether you can trust him to tell the truth. He's the one you need to be speaking to. Go with your instincts.