Found a text on his phone....

[Redwhine]

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

I know what you mean but it's not about that. I've chosen to have him back. I'm not competing with her. But I want people at his work to see me as a real person not the shadowy wife. Fun gossip feels less fun when you know real people are involved.

Fun gossip feels less fun when you know real people are involved

There is merit in this. I have seen affairs laughed about at work. But when someone had an affair and their dh was friends with a lot of co workers (the dh used to work there), people didn't see the funny side.

Also you wanted to go, but you couldn't due to baby sitting. Now you have a sitter and should go, like you would have done had this never happened. Their mistake should not impact your activities.

If your mum had offered to babysit before this happened you would have gone.

Did she ask about continued "friendship" and "chats" in response to your dictated text?

What was the response?

How did he want to respond?

Do you trust that he won't go back to friendship and chats when he sees her at work?

She said "I thought we'd still be friends" in reply to the dictated text. In a text two days ago she said "I want us to still talk because I like talking to you!" That was in reply to him saying it shouldn't have happened.

He has not responded to the latest text (well not to my knowledge) he has his phone with him. I have told him if he communicates with her without telling me we are finished.

Personally I would have sat on his phone for a few hours.

So she responded that she still wanted to be friend to the one you dictates the day you found out?

I honestly do not believe that thy can remain friends. Even if you were happy to dismiss the kissing as a hiccup. Once that line has been crossed its dangerous to just carry on as you were before.

Good for you, Redwhine.

No chance on them being friends. She can fuck off if she thinks she's having her cake and eating it too.

The first text he sent on the day I found out she said about walking to still be able to talk. The one telling her I know she said she wanted to still be friends.

We don't know what he's confided in her and what might be giving her the impression they can still be friends. I think it's likely that they've both confided in each other and she values this.

I've no doubt they thought they had a special friendship which was all about mutual ego massaging. Her pissed off response to his text shows she wasn't expecting to lose this: this makes me wonder how genuine she was about 'finishing' it in the first place.

Seems then that alls well that's ending well. I sincerely hope that you do weather this storm and see it through. Sure it's not being easy but you are handling it well. It might be one of those times that if you can get through this grief then it will make your bond stronger. I hope so for ALL your sakes:)

Your oh sent a text saying my wife knows and she wants to still be friends. And you are ok with that?

Yes, I wasn't suggesting you should be concerned with not hurting the OW's feelings, just pointing out that a text like that is more likely to prolong the active phase of contact between them than a more neutral one that removes her from the discussion.

How will you check if he's communicated with her, will you ask for his phone later?

I don't think the fact that it happened outside the work place can be used as mitigation if it comes to any disciplinary action. If he can take some advice about possible repercussions I think he should.

Are you confident he isn't messaging her now along the lines of "we have to cool our friendship for a while but don't worry, you are too important for me to lose etc etc"?

There is a good chance he is doing this and deleting. I too would have sat on his phone for a few days.

Otherwise how do you really know?

I said all along her text on the night about it 'not happening again' was totally disingenuous. It was actually her checking her importance to him and an open invitation for him to chase.

Yes it is mutual ego massaging. That is one of the central themes in affairs. Unfortunately it is very addictive so will be a difficult habit to break. His feelings for her will not just stop because you now know. He will have to make a concerted, determined effort to keep away from her to prevent further inflammation of their attraction to each other. If he is comitted to that then it will eventually die down and the spell will break. My concern is that them working together makes avoidance very hard.

As thrilled as I am that you've found your strength, don't rebuild your house too quickly. You don't want to be completely side swept if something more comes out and there's something about her behaviour that suggests this was something more, to me. You might be completely right in your gut feeling or it could be that you couldn't cope with any other revelations at that time and needed that to be the reality. Time will tell, just don't get blind sided by it again.

Personally, I'd have made him leave to see if he went to her at any point, but everyone takes different risks.

As she is more junior that he is, she may well decide to move jobs anyway, but I agree, he might be better off moving to escape gossipers. It wouldn't be nice to have new young female staff warned off him as I have known happen in some schools.

As another poster said, his feelings towards her haven't changed just because you now know about her.

Whatever it was that led him to start an EA (maybe more) with her is still present.

Their affair hasn't come to an end because they wanted it to, but only because you've told him to end it.

I don't believe for a minute that things are going to end here. Him working in such close contact with her every day makes it near impossible for them to just switch off their feelings. Maybe you knowing just makes it even more dangerous and enticing.

Your DH knows he's got away with it (for want of a better word) as you haven't left him or asked him to leave, so what's to really deter him from carrying on but just making sure he covers his tracks better?

With the best will in the world there is no way you can monitor what they get up to at work. You said that if he contacts her without you knowing you will leave him, but how will you know if he does?

They will have umpteen opportunities every day to speak to each other, in the corridors, on the phone, via work email accounts and their proximity every day will make it impossible for you to monitor their contact.

You already know he is a man you can't trust, a man who is prepared to lie to you and deceive you and one who has very recently purposefully engineered a situation so he could be alone with this woman in the knowledge that something would happen.

Can you really trust that in the 10 hours a day they work together he is going to stay away from her?

I think it's wonderful you've found your inner self worth and you've found your voice but please be careful and try and protect yourself from being hurt further by this man.

I did cringe a bit about the going along to the work do 'looking fabulous' thing. It is a bit, 'I'm better than her' and to be honest there's nobody you should be having to prove that to. If you turned up to work dos in a tracksuit looking like you've been dragged through a hedge it shouldn't matter. You are his wife and that's the important factor here, not whether you're funny, intelligent etc (which I'm sure you are). It makes it about her or the colleagues and none of this is about them it's about your husband who knows and sees the real you already and still chose to do this. You need to hold onto the anger a bit more tbh OP.

Also, you are making him feel like shit at home (quite rightly) for what he's done. All his family are also going to know (I mean BIL, SIL etc) and he gets to feel like the bad guy (quite rightly). Then he goes to work and she's making him feel valued and wanted and it's going to be even more alluring. He will find it very hard (maybe impossible) to say 'go away, don't talk to me' when she's saying how much she likes talking to him and wants to be friends. I'm not saying that to upset you but to make you aware of what you're dealing with. Unfortunately, due to his job, she's not just going to go away and it's all very well saying that if he communicates with her without telling you it's over but that's exactly what he's going to be doing every single day, unless you are expecting him to repeat all his conversations with her verbatim when he gets in every evening.

Im not sure what talking to SIL is supposed to achieve and as much as I find what he's done disgraceful I have a certain amount of sympathy for him being send off to talk to someone about his behaviour like a naughty school boy.

What is the SIL supposed to say to him - don't do as I did, do as I say.

Wouldn't counselling have been better?

It is a bit, 'I'm better than her' and to be honest there's nobody you should be having to prove that to.

Spot on, and here's hoping the OP doesn't go home after the evening out feeling even worse than she is now because doing made her realise just what she's been reduced to.

It is a bit, 'I'm better than her'

Admittedly, it is edging close to the "pick me dance."

He's stopped his liaisons only because he was caught by you after reading the texts.

He text her what you wanted him to text to put a stop to it. He didn't want to stop it. You did.

You have made him speak with his sister etc as a pp says almost like a naughty child.

You are now planning outings to work functions with real precision of how you wish to be perceived by his colleagues etc.

Just be yourself.
If you believe what he's told you believe it.
If you wish to give him a chance then do so.

He was and is a consenting adult.

And I doubt she is really some Scarlett temptress luring in married men. Maybe he has taken her for a ride. Maybe she needed closure.

They are equally to blame.

Is he a teacher? Tell him to give in his notice TODAY by email and spend the next half term job thing so by new year he's in a different school. Or you will tell Head

I've watched this with thread interest and not posted until now. My ex had an emotional affair after the birth of our second child. I read him the riot act. He decided to stay. But, on reflection, I now realise it was his decision. Basically, if I could have left him then, I would have. (mumsnet was not invented then).

We made a go of it, for 15 more years. He was brilliant (though it was all a sham on reflection - his words not mine). We even had another child...and you know where I'm going with this. He left me for someone else, and he waited until I was old enough not to be vibrant in the dating scene (he is going to be well retired by the time his partner reaches my age and I have a 14 year old). She is much younger than me. Our children were not amused.

Take care Redwhine, and please dress up for you! x