Found a text on his phone....

[Redwhine]

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

unless they are prison officers?

They are teachers (or at least work in a school) the OP mentioned end of term party.

Scoop the OP has made clear she believes the extent of the affair. I don't think it's helpful to keep trying to convince her there is more to it.

If there is she will find out in time, I just don't think it's helpful at this point to keep pushing the 'there is more to it' angle.

Read your update....

He's deeply ashamed he got caught and you have told people.... I doubt about what he's done or he wouldn't have gone back for more.

The message just says 'my wife has found out so its just professional from now on' basically.
I cringed a little at that Op.

Seems mortified his sister knows. Shame it has taken that to make him appear a little more sorry.

Sorry to be the cynic but I've been through very very similar.

the book is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

There's a poster on the relationships board called orm, I think, whose H is a teacher and had a full-on affair, they stayed together.

Hope this isn't a relatively new teacher and he is in the senior management team. Yuck.

I'm a teacher so know that schools are a bedrock of gossip. I can't stand it but it's a fact. Everyone knows everyone else's business.

So he cannot possibly be upset that his wife's brother and wife know about this! Because the whole school will already!

Well done on tackling this head on and reclaiming power. I hope you work things out, it's not too late. Good luck.

magical is right. He is kidding himself if he thinks most of the teaching staff at his school don't know. Of course they do. I worked in a similar environment. People may not have mentioned it directly to him, but will have spoken about it behind his back.

It will have been noted that she invited him and he came along and that they left together and have 'been close' at work.

The OPs brother had the brothers partner knowing is small fry in comparison.

Well done OP.

I am glad you feel better.

Ignore all the 'more to it' comments for now. Not because they are definitely wrong, but right now, you have made a decision that feels right for you so there's no point fucking with your head.

If it turns out that there was more,
If it turns out he doesn't behave with remorse
If it turns out that you don't feel you have full disclosure
If it turns out that he seems to be distant and you feel suspicious again
If it turns out you can't bare them working together
If it turns out you feel you have to tell more people
If it turns out that you decide you can't live with a kiss

Then that's how it will turn out. But right now, you have a focus and you feel better for it so good for you.

All I will say is, don't let the 'relief' you feel at finding a way to move forward, allow him to be in any way lack in constantly trying to reassure and honour any requests you have. Don't be tempted by the comfort solution of now pretending it never happened.

And yet, more long term: At some point, after as much talking and as much time as YOU need, you will have to let this go. Otherwise it becomes a stick to beat him with every time you argue and that leads to bitterness and irreparable damage.

It's such a fine balance between dealing with it and then moving on. He is a shit for putting you in such a difficult situation.

You're doing brilliantly op

I am glad you gave him no leeway Redwhine, it forced him to stop trying to minimise and face things head on.

He is lucky you are willing to let him work to regain trust, I hope he keeps to his words and fights for you all.

If he does not keep to them then be resolved to deal with it then, not worry about it now but be know what you would do, and give no leeway if it happens: slightly Jaded is very wise with her words above and puts it better.

Is counselling an option?

Perhaps RELATE or something?

Well done, you're doing so well

Stay strong x

Good on you, you're refusing to let this be swept under the carpet. You've taken control and can start to make some informed decisions. I would point out to him that your marriage can't survive any more acts of cowardice on his part and it's time to man up, accept responsibility and deal with the consequences. His ego may not like the fact he can no longer think of himself as 'the good guy' but he made a choice (not a 'mistake') and this is the result.

I would agree that everyone at work already knows about this, people having illicit relationships are notorious for imagining no-one knows when in fact it is common knowledge. I have to say if I were the OW I would be quite angry at the tone of his text, which completely implies this is all her fault. I would expect her to want to retaliate somehow, whether that's contacting you to put her side of the story or (at an extreme) reporting him to his boss. I think it might be wise for him to disclose what's happened his boss first, although there could be disciplinary consequences.

More importantly, how are you doing today?

Great news RedWhine and well done for coming back here and not being put off by the ridiculous in-fighting

I'm glad you have RL support. As I'm sure you know this is the start of a new journey - I hope that you and your DH can travel it together, and I'm SO glad that you've taken control.

Stay strong and make sure he gives you what you need.

I'm okay. I dictated the text, so the tone is all mine! I must say I couldn't care less if her weekend is ruined: maybe next time she'll think twice about behaving inappropriately with a married man! I know this is more his responsibility than hers, but she has still behaved badly. She also said 'I wanted us to stay friends and still talk' uh no! I don't think so! Now she knows I know their special little secret bubble is burst and she has to confront how sordid it all was.

I agree there could be come back at work, but that's down to him. I doubt he would be fired, they are both adults and it did not occur in the workplace. Yes, if she goes after him that could be different. Again: that is on him. He has to accept the consequences of his actions.

He has gone out to meet my sister in law and talk things through. Hopefully that will help. My best friend (the one I told) has invited to a gig tonight. If he is being anything other than transparent and trying hard I will go and let him stew. I think we both realised last night that whilst I love him and want to keep our family together.... I have the strength to be without him and make my family me and the kids. He would lose everything.

Are they in the same department Red?

It's a start.

He can't minimize

He must fully appreciate and acknowledge your hurt.

He must be open and honest and any privacy he had can be called on.

He must accept that you will never be fully over this and there will always be doubt of him in your mind. You must be free to express this whenever you need to.

Likewise you must be very honest, open and not minimize either.

Unless you can both face up to this fully then this isn't going to work.

Yes.

Same department

Which SUCKS, obviously

I have the strength to be without him and make my family me and the kids.

That's great to hear. there is a difference between holding because anything else is too scary to face and choosing to stay with him and make it work.#

Tbh I doubt very much she will do anything at work. It will all come out and her BF will end up finding out. I don't think she wants that to happen.

The simple fact is they both got an ego boost out of it and it went too far (as these things often do), sounds like she wants him to go back to massaging her ego and keep it as an emotional affair. Its not acceptable and her wanting to take just one step back, rather than entirely step away, would bother me.

Well done for being so strong. I hope that you are right about knowing the full extent and I hope that he does absolutely everything you need to feel better about this in time.

I suspect that will include finding a new job. You are going to find it so hard to cope with him going there every day and working closely with her. You are going to feel the need to question him 'What did she say?' and 'What did you say?' and then you're going to doubt whether he's told you everything, and if she says something friendly you're going to get angry all over again. At school functions you're going to either stress a lot when he goes on his own or you're going to go with him and feel like everyone knows. I speak from experience.

Its very early down this road for you, so not saying you have to decide this as a couple now....

But can he look for work elsewhere. this is an entirely personal point of view. But it would drive me insane knowing they see each other everyday. I couldn't face him going on works nights out, team building, department meetings. At least for a longtime.

He has a work do next month. I wasn't going to go because we struggle with babysitters but my mum has agreed to do it. I'm going to go, looking fabulous and being charming to everyone! My head will be held high: I've done nothing wrong. People probably do know. I want them to meet me and realise I am a real person (quite a nice, funny, reasonably intelligent person). I doubt she'll be there if she knows I am, but if she does I'll smile at her too. See if she struggles to look me in the eye. Seeing her holds no fear for me oddly.

Yes, he probably will need to get a new job. Realistically that won't happen overnight and we have a family to support. I do work but only part time and we need his salary.

Don't do the pick me dance.