Found a text on his phone....

[Redwhine]

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP I've just rtft and I agree that people contributing to these sort of threads can have a horrible tendency to post stuff like 'well my entire life turned to ratshit so obviously yours will too because this is clearly the thin end of the wedge' and I've had it myself when I've needed to gather my thoughts over a difficult situation I was in with my OH (not involving an OW but he had lied to me about something very significant). I have no advice other than to echo those posters who are encouraging you to consult with your RL friends who love you, have your best interests at heart and who you can trust not to push their own agenda.

And get some sleep.

And try to eat something, love, even if it's just a little.

Except we don't actually know what time he left town.

OP, I'm glad you're getting some sleep. I hope that you feel as strong as possible tomorrow. There doesn't have to be an extreme in either case - it's not leave him immediately or just accept all his word as truth and move on. There's lots of middle ground and exactly what part of it you choose is up to you now. You sound lovely. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Fwiw when you mentioned her texts about "closure" I thought that made sense because it sounded like she thought, shit this is a guy at work I just want things to be ok and to act normally and not be weird in the office etc. it sounded more like anxiety rather than pushing or goading for a reply. I hope you're ok.

FWIW I suspect he was waylaid a bit. Tempted and perhaps just gave in to that work temptress.I suspect that the (almost) kiss was "shagged".

Yes of course its a betrayal but it does happen there's a lot of temptations come a man's way over time and 12 years is quite a time. What seems odd to me is if i were going to cover anything up I'd make sure that all the texts and phone calls on my phone were deleted before i got home. Perhaps it was just some flirting that did get a bit out of hand and with hindsight ?.

Leave him?. Well if this was just a one off then perhaps let him know that if it should it happen again then its goodbye to all that. If OTOH he was a serial adulterer or whatever we'd like to call it then he can sling his hook right now.

I've got a gut feeling it was the former and perhaps its worth trying to "sort it" even if he is in the doghouse for a while as a split or divorce is a very big step to take and perhaps a bit of shaming him will be a better option in the longer term. Just let him know how very hurt you feel and would he like you to have been someone else's other woman just how would he like that etc etc?.

Just one question Redwine has anything else like this happened before can you say?.

Look Redwhine I'm really sorry if this is de-railing your thread and I know it's no help to you, for posters to be arguing between themselves but I cannot let posters make false accusations about me on an open forum and this is what Offred has done, so I must respond to her.

Firstly Offred I think it's against MN etiquette to discuss matters from another thread but since you have chosen to do this I have not at any time told an OP on another thread that she was damaging her child - I simply pointed out the legal position regarding a child of the marriage and expressed a hope that the OP would keep the matter out of the family courts. I did mention the difficulties involved when parents were unable to put the child's needs first but this was not meant to imply that this would be the case for those particular *parents.

I did not use my professional experience as a stick to beat her with and say I was right and she was wrong

In the 40 pages of the thread to which you refer I made 5 posts (2 very short ones) whereas you were on almost every page. My comments were totally distorted by you and others, they were quoted out of context, all because I suggested that there might possibly a way that they could recover from what had happened.

I intend to report your post and whilst it doesn't break talk guidelines I don't think it fair or reasonable that you can make false accusations against me. All the posts are still available and I will ask MNHQ to request that you evidence the accusations that you have made.

Sorry OP

I've been feeling guilty about something. I was only a few weeks pregnant when I miscarried. People are being so kind and supportive about it, but it wasn't like I was months along. I mentioned it because I was upset about it and so was he: for some reason I kept thinking about it when I found out as in "if only... Then..." Which makes no sense.

People obviously go through much worse and I didn't want to misrepresent my experience.

I slept a bit last night but was up before four. I have to go to work today and I am dreading it. I broke down continuously yesterday and obviously I can't do that today. I managed to eat half a sandwich last night but my stomach is still clenched.

I know people became a bit irate yesterday. Can I reassure you that whilst I value different views I make my own decisions and I'm not going to be unduly influenced by a particular perspective.

Someone earlier asked if he had form: no. I suppose I should say: no, that I know of.

This morning I composed a long email to his OW. I didn't send it but it felt good to pour it out. Part of me wants to send it: on the other hand, why make her feel important?

OP, you haven't misrepresented anything. A Miscarriage at any point is traumatic.

In regards to the email, personally I wouldn't send it. However I do write long emails when upset. I don't send them but I find it really helps just to get it all down.

You definitely need to make a decision for yourself. That's a good thing. All the advice in the world, shouldn't make you decide something you are not happy with.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time.

OP I'm not gonna write a whole load of stuff about what you should or shouldnt do... as you say its your marriage and your life, you'll make your own choices. i just wanted to let you know that whatever you decide you'll have support im sure of it, be it on here and in RL.

I myself have been in your shoes with an ex and a friend of his, i got over the kiss and we got ourselves back on track (we split up for totally different reasons). However I have also been in your OH's shoes, i made a mistake once before me and OH got married and kissed somebody, me and OH got past it and we are married 3 years later. My OH told me that he understood that it was a mistake and could tell how genuinely ashamed of myself I was, we both just laid everything out on the table and talked about if we would be able to get past it. Because of the previous situation i said to oh that as i knew how hard it was to trust someone again id totally understand if he wanted to end things, but we both decided that we love each other, and it would be the worst thing for us if we broke up cos wed be so unhappy without each other. It took time but we got back on track. We also said that it wouldnt be brought up again, i know some people say things about past events especially in arguments but i feel like if youre going to forgive something then you need to fully forgive not resent someone for it and use it as ammunition if theyre pissing you off.

Sorry for the ramble on. It's good that youve wrote down how you feel, tbh sometimes that helps more than if oyu were to send it and get a response from her because that would just rile you up even more because youd be worried if she was telling the truth or not. And like you say, she's not important in this scenario, your relationship is. Sending you huge hugs and support, it seems like youre a very strong woman xx

This morning he seems resentful that I'm not back to normal.

If he can't understand that I'm still in pieces ONE day later it makes me think we're not going to make it.

Would it be helpful to write a list of what you need in order to stay in this relationship? You could decide later whether to share it with him or not.

Op, I don't know him so I can't be 100% sure. But I would say he is acting like that because he wants to pretend it never happened. Obviously that's not going to happen for you.

From his point of view, he has admitted it so everyone should move on. You need to have a proper talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel, what you think of him and what you need to start getting back on track (if that's what you want).

His shame wants it swept under the carpet, but it's not realistic. Especially when you know he has to go back to work with her soon.

Sorry should have added that if he isn't willing to put in the work or accept exactly what he has done and accept that it will take a long time to get past, then it will be almost impossible to make it.

And tbh, would you want to be with someone that thinks it's ok to do this to you then expect you to just forget it and move on.

Would he just forgive and forget if you did this?

My pov

My stbxh had an emotional affair. For about 5 months. Then it became physical for 4 months.

He alluded our marriage was over then denied a lot at first but as time went by and bits came out.... Everything made sense in hind sight. I felt like I was wading through treacle those 9 months.

My bottom line was get out. So he did. Straight to her. I have often wondered what would have happened if I had thrown him in the spare room.

I'm not one for regrets. I'm glad to be rid of him. The pain you feel today will still be bad tomorrow. And the next day but it does lighten day by day.
And it takes for fucking ever. Then you still have Q's, doubts.

Do maintain the moral high ground. I never once have spoken to stbxh OW.

Incidentally, I dated a man recently who was a year separated from his wife. She thought he'd left her for me and her behaviour was atrocious. She sent hateful spiteful emails to all my colleagues. I've been scorned. I held my head high. If you don't, then be prepared to be ridiculed.

This morning he seems resentful that I'm not back to normal.

Wow, so he's not really all that sorry, is he?

One day of fake remorse and then back in to work to his girlfriend, is it?

Good advice all.... Especially importance of dignity. It's a bit hard though when only I know how dignified I'm being!
He knows how devastated I am. I have expressed it to him in no uncertain terms x

Feeling resentful you are not back to normal is an extension of 'it was nothing' IMO.

It likely means he believes he hasn't done anything really wrong and the tears and begging yesterday were because he was feeling scared he would lose control of his life rather than regret at what he had done.

He hasn't 'got it'. It's one of the reasons people were urging you to ask him to leave, that and getting some space for you.

You did ask him to go to the spare room though so TBH he must understand you are upset, just doesn't think you should be or doesn't want to accept you are.

One night in the spare room is no biggie.

That's all he thought it was - bit of a barney, let her cool off, back to normal in the morning.

He has been having an affair for weeks/months while you've had a miscarriage and his remorse extends to one day of drama, fake tears, and a night down the hall.

Good luck. I am glad you are not going to let yourself be swayed into making important decisions about your family's future by others.

He's been an idiot. He's let you down. The only thing that makes me think he probably hasn't done more than kiss her is that he came clean so quickly and easily, not like someone who has built up experience of deceiving you.

I think his reaction this morning is understandable, but not justified. He is going through turmoil too and you experience a range of emotions at different times, not all of them rational.

Yeah, poor him.

The terrible turmoil of "my wife is still banging on about my affair 24 hours later."

The 'closure' bit sounded odd to me if it was a kiss.

Do you still have his phone. Could he have contacted her yet?

Spare room he's lucky you haven't asked him to leave....

I'd say his remorse if about being found out for sure.

Remember you only know because you looked at his phone.

He didn't break down and confess here.

You know the minimum he has had to tell you.

That doesn't bode well OP. If he's irritable that you haven't forgiven him in less than 24 hours, he's probably going to be resistant to making any kind of changes to his lifestyle too.

If I were you, the kissing wouldn't be the thing that most bothered me. It would be the fact that it happened once, and then he arranged for it to happen again. He can't say 'it just happened', he made a decision and pursued it. He was essentially starting to lay the ground work for an affair. He shouldn't get to bounce back from that the day after you found out!