just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

BitOut - yes, I'm confused too.

OP

It is upsetting to realise he wasted your relationship on a cheating slapper who at the end of the day he doesn't mean that much to.

It makes what you had feel less special as a result.

He threw your love away for that worthless cow.

Another one here firmly behind you Binders!
You have acted with dignity and grace throughout this whole sorry episode. You are to be admired for the way you have gently informed OWH as to what has been going on. I am in awe.
You are most certainly not stupid for not seeing it coming because you have a heart full of warmth and love and not stone or ice. Your EX however can not possibly say the same.
It is all so raw now but from what you've said about ex's unwillingness to be part of your little family then this will turn out (eventually) to be the best thing to happen to you and your DS.
You said that you feel like you're back to day one. That's understandable. Just remember though, how far you came in just a few weeks - you'll get there again - and stronger!
Please try to focus on having a lovely Halloween weekend with Ds and just know that you have so many 'virtual' friends backing you up.
Big high five to Rotty too!

You asked if anyones partner or husband had got away with a 14 year affair well it wasn't quite that straight forward because it was at least 2 but my husband did. I'd known him over 30 years been married for 20 when I found out he was basically living a double life with another woman, he'd always worked away a lot and originally I went everywhere with him but once the dc reached school age I needed to settle in one location. I only found out 3 years ago and at that point he had been with this particular woman 10 years. She didn't know about the 4 dc we have together but did know about another child he had who was 15 at that point so he had another affair prior to this woman and produced a child I knew nothing about. My world like yours fell apart but that was 3 years ago and these days I do not look back, I am single however I am happy, I have a full life, I have good friends I thought my life was happy before but it's not a patch on how happy it is now, it's almost like finding out the truth in the end was a release because there was this great big lie hanging over everything I felt it's presence without realising it. I know you won't believe it right now but life will get better, it's probably won't be tomorrow or next week but believe me eventually it will be better.

Well, Rotty should be there now and I'm sure she's looking after you. You're so lucky to have each other!

Just get it all out while she's there. Rant, rage, blubber, and cry. You've been so brave and held it together so well since this was all dumped in your lap. You deserve to let it all go. You'll be the better for getting it out of your system.

I'm rubbish with words, but the way you have carried yourself is nothing but admirable Binders. Keep your head held high

Oh binders. Unfortunately sadwidow was right a crash was bound to hit at some point especially as you've has so much crap from these 2 lowlives to deal with!

But remember just as the good times didn't last neither will this. It is a tunnel not a well,there's an opening at the end. So sorry you're going through this .

In addition my aunt supported a friend who at her husbands funeral discovered he had another family! They knew nothing about the wife and original kids until he died. The unwitting mistress turned up at the funeral and the wife couldn't place her and it all came out it was a mess!

I also feel desperately sorry for owh and her kids. Sounds like there are potentially at least 3 possible biological father's! Who does that?! And owh could be left with nothing if they split including losing kids he thought were his.

binders that No is for you to keep safe for the foreseeable future. If you have a dark moment in the early hours (remember I am an insomniac after DH died).

You don't even have to speak - my shoulders are so waterproofed that I can take snotty sobbing.

I am here if you need me.

Oh binders

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry

With everything you've been through, with all the upset and his cuntish behaviour, to do what you did today was amazing. Simply amazing. And selfless. And kind.

You've given more of yourself than anyone could possibly ask for.

Accept as much help and support as you're offered, it's time to think about you now darling xx

I'm glad that Rottie is there for you. I think the "not knowing" if OW had been aware, & any further fallout about to happen has been keeping you tense & on alert. Now OWH has finally heard the irrefutable truth, the shit will hit the fan for her. You can stop holding your breath. so your pain is the realising that this is now "real" for everyone.
Binders, you have only ever tried to keep your family unit happy & content. you have turned a blind eye to all OH's lack of family spirit, & now you can see why... You can most certainly say you did everything possible to make it work. Unlike OH, who sadly never took any vows at all.
Cry, then baby steps.... each day is a day nearer feeling whole again

You are a lovely lady sadwidow

binders
I've followed both threads.
I think you're amazing.

Binders you are not stupid. You are a decent human being who loved and trusted the wrong guy. They hid their deceit well. OWH knew she'd had an affair and even he didn't see the signs your ex and ow were having an affair.

We are here for you and are amazed at how well you are handling this. So glad you have Rotty on your side. If you ever need me just PM although im sure you have people better able to help like sad widow.

Sending you a hug I don't care if it's not the done thing on mumsnet im a rebel

Good luck darling. You sound so decent.

Another one delurking to say you are amazing. I'm in awe of your strength and fortitude

Hey, I have lurked but not posted because you have had so much good advice.

I just want to say that I know, I do know, that this is hard for you right now. But really, honestly and truly, it does get better. You have handled this with so much strength and integrity.

I suppose that is not much consolation right now but please hold on to the fact, the truth, that it will get better.

Oh sweetheart

What you have done today was so brave, and kind, and so dignified. You have shown remarkable grace.

Time to let your rottie look after you now

Have you ever heard of anyone whose DP or DH got away with a 14 year affair?

Binders - people have gotten away with affairs that went on longer than 14 years.

It takes a special kind of liar in order to manage it, and that in itself makes it all the harder for women like us to to make sense of it all. You are mere days into this and you are allowed your bad days, weeks etc, you in fact need them in order to heal and live the wonderful life that's waiting for you. xxxxxx

I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time now.

You are an amazing women binders, a fantastic mother and have acted in a very dignified way.

I'm hoping rotty stayed with you last night.

You've given the OWH some dignity in all this, that's an act of compassion in my book. Well done Binder.

The crash was inevitable and is part of the healing process. Like all things in life it will pass. Just be your own best friend right now and be kind to yourself

Hope you are alright and Rotty's still with you.

As for OWH he sounds well and truly broken, by OW. I hope he realizes he is worth so much more then he has now.

I hope you have woken up with a feeling that a weight has lifted a little and that you have acted with amazing integrity throughout. You're awesome.

Your sister is a top bird, Binders.

I think that the crash has been precipitated by not only confronting OWH's own pain, which mirrors yours but you had been moving away from yours until you saw it in him; but also because (and this is hard to put in the right words) your ex has been faithless to you with someone who managed to have yet another affair with a 3rd man at the same time! So not just a "special thing" between your exP and her, but really just sex. JUST sex, and for that, he threw away his 14y relationship with you. Even if she had left her marriage and done the honourable thing by her own H, she would still have been unfaithful to your exP as well! Which some how makes it all that much more sordid, I think.

This too will pass, as the saying goes - I hope you have woken this morning with a different set of feelings and determination to move forward and away from the whole sorry mess. :(

So sorry you're going through this awful time Binders.

Know that what you're feeling is totally normal. One day you feel like you can conquer the world, the next you come back down to earth with a huge thump. In the space of a few hours you can feel every emotion possible. I used to drive home from work in the darkness and shout, shout at an imaginary nothing, I was so angry at times, this relieved all that pent up frustration I had to keep inside in front of ds. My head was filled with a foggy heavy feeling for quite some time.

During these moments Ds kept me sane, I had to be strong for him, I didn't have a fabulous sister like you but I had a fantastic friend who just listened. She will never know how much she helped me through those dark days.

You are going through a bereavement and all those feelings you feel when you lose someone you love. It is the same emotions and you will have days which are difficult, be kind to yourself during this time, you will get through this foggy existence but in the meantime you have a fantastic support network surrounding you, use this as much as possible. Your sister is a gem and you will need her over the next few months until you feel stronger.

x