just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

New recruit here! Did post in other thread.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. We're here if you need us.

Tail lashing in anticipation.

Like the idea of Rotty moving in for a bit. Is that a possibility?

This thread is going to fill up quickly with all your supporters signing in

Afraid not tableandchairs, the third bedroom is a box room/computer room, no bed.

The last thread ended with lots of posts going against the idea of moving out for many good reasons and now I'm worried that if I do I'm making a big mistake and taking a big risk. DS would be going with me and at first I didn't think but thought we were sharing a bedroom but my nephew has bunk beds so they would be sharing a room not with me.

I've lived in the same house after a split in a long time relationship before and went to such a dark place I know I can't do that again, cant stay, can't leave DS, can't risk losing him either as other posters have mentionin their stories.

What am I going to do. Unless I say as a couple have suggested that I say we're going to stay at sisters for a couple of weeks just to give each other space. I am falling apart at the seams thinking I may have no choice but to stay in the same house for what, weeks,months. I can't see the screen for tears'

Reporting for duty

If he doesn't leave just go for a 'visit' to your sister which will give you breathing space.

Then consult the best solicitor available and get proper advice.

When I did last post I saw all the other posts. You're all coming back thank you I'm starting to calm down a bit now.

I think see what tomorrow brings. He may decide to sling his hook. He hasn't actually said he's not leaving has he?

I think you might well be advised to stay put but "smoke him out" with a series of unfortunate visitors.

Checking in.

Worzels has said what I to my shame have held back from saying. Find some suitably no nonsense make friends or relatives that will make it clear he needs to GO. NOW!

Also agree with the 'I never thought he'd do that' posters. My ex is a complete stranger to me now. I have no idea what I ever saw in him. Infidelity is bad enough, treating your child like shit is quite another!

Mine emptied the bank account, had no conscience about driving our daughter while drunk, from the beginning would be late/not turn up for contact (he was a 5 min walk away), didn't pay a penny in maintenance until it almost resulted in aoe, over 10 years later is still messing me about on maintenance, has blocked his dd on fb, barely has contact with dd.

So binders don't think there's anything he wouldn't do.

While I appreciate its extremely difficult to stay with him there, at the very least make it bloody uncomfortable for him to stay.

Think getting further legal advice regarding this in particular would be a good idea. I'm wondering if you staying at your sisters mainly but x amount of nights would mean that your current home is still very much your main residence?

Don't leave - ask your family to do a "sit-in" until he leaves?

I think you should stay put and get your gobbiest friends to come round in rotation in order to make him as uncomfortable as possible. Are your ILs staying in touch with you much? I would feel absolutely no shame in telling them just how awful the situation is and how desperate you are for him to move out in the hope they might lean on him (only worth doing this if you think they will help though).

Another soldier reporting for duty!

Depending where you live binders I'd bet there's a fair few of your army would be more than happy to stage a sit in! Including me!

Hi, I just wanted to say you have been really amazing binder, you're coping so well. And binder's army are awesome - love the illustrations!

You don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, it's a massive decision with possible big legal consequences, so don't rush it, take some legal advice. My first thought would be to stay in the house and change the locks tbh, maybe suggest he stays with his parents or fucks off forever wherever he likes but again, probably check with a solicitor first.

I hope the dh of the ow has some support too. Now that it's on the grapevine he may feel he's the last to know. Maybe we can prep dadsnet to look after him!

How about a combination?

The weekend with sister for a break and then family sit ins through next week. Or even having family to stay overnight on a camp bed in your room. Might hurry him out the door.

Gives time to consult a solicitor too.

Also think about things that bother him and ensure that happens a lot.

It's not just the legal complications it's the moral side of things and what is absolute best. But if him going fails, it shouldn't matter your DS is not in the same room at your sisters (although I can understand that's come as a bit of a shock), you'll still be with him and he'll see it as an adventure.

Wipe your tears and be strong, things will work out. Big hugs :)

Binder you are amazing, you are holding it together so well.

I left the marital home with my children in January, when it became clear that H would not leave. My situation is slightly different as I moved nearly 2h away to start afresh, but if you are intending to live nearby then I would strongly recommend you don't leave.

The courts will take your sons stability as the most important factor and your h will have to leave.

My DDs struggled a lot with moving away from their old home and bedroom etc and found it very hard as, just like you, this was very sudden and without any warning or prep time for the children. It was the only way to leave but I would think your DS may end up with the same struggles. Please apply pressure to your inlaws if that's what you have to do to get your H to leave, or ask your sister to help you. Please don't be driven out of your house.

I know you say your H won't let you and your DS leave knowing you have nowhere permanent to go to, but when money and property are involved please don't underestimate feelings. I thought my H loved our DDs but he is more than happy to have them/us out whilst he enjoys having the marital home to himself.

I hope I am not projecting my own situation onto you too much, but for your sons sake I would urge you to stay put.

I was going to say the same as Zetetic.

Try your best to pressure him into leaving the house tomorrow, with your sister and friends (as many as you can!) by your side. But, if he refuses in order to make your life horrible, leave anyway for the weekend or for a week as a "visit" to your sister.

Then check with a lawyer as soon as possible to see what is the best course of action to make sure you can get away from your horrible DP but at the same time not to lose any right over the custody of your son.

And, if you are the one forced to go away tomorrow as a "visit" to your sister's place, then take this opportunity to explain everything to your son over the weekend because he needs to know soon.

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow.

I've been following all the thread from the very first post, and I'm glad there are so many people helping you and supporting you in RL and in your virtual army!

Hope for the best - he moves out tomorrow - and plan for the worst - he doesn't.

Having not been through separation with DCs myself, I had no idea what a minefield moving out could be, and it's helpful that posters with more experience have chimed in. If you decide you need to stay in the house until either your STBXP buys you out or the house is sold, you will want to get that process going as quickly as possible. Can you make a solicitor's appointment for Monday to find out how to start? Call CAB to ask what the steps are? Other posters here will probably be able to point you towards resources.

In the meantime, would you feel better about staying if you had a bolt on your bedroom door and moved DS into your room? A simple bolt is easy to install and any little screw holes in the door and frame can be patched up easily once it's no longer needed. What else might help you feel, if not ok, then at least better, about staying in the house if he doesn't leave?

I agree with other posters who say you need to tell your DS tomorrow that you and his dad are splitting up. He'll know already that something isn't right.

I hope you're able to sleep tonight, and if not, the night shift is almost certainly already around on this thread.

I agree with Iguana, wait and see what happens tomorrow, he may go and then all this worry will be for nothing. If he doesn't then retire to Sgt Rottweiler's quarters, even if just for the weekend to regroup and plan your next move, maybe see another solicitor for a further free half hour but focus on the house issue so the time is spent resolving the questions you need answering on the effect leaving might have on custody issues with DS and possible routes to get OH to leave. One step at a time, no point worrying and trying to cross any bridges until and unless you come to them. Try not to let it stress you out, maybe a wine and lemonade is in order tonight, we're here for hand holding so don't feel you're on your own

There truly are some utter nobbers out there.

I agree wait and see what he does. Could your sister move in for moral support ?

Delurking for first time in years to say will be thinking of you this weekend.

Strongly agree with other posters that you moving out probably unwise.

You need to make him go. Enlist sister and all the family you can to make him.