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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 30/10/2015 11:42

What a selfish twat he is. Whilst I would never wish what you have experienced on anyone, I think that being free of that man is going to be something you look back on and count as a lucky escape. He went off driving on his own on a family holiday to Disneyland. What an utter cunt.

Ex was not interested in anything but himself, not xmas, not holidays, not you, not his son and probably not OW either actually. You are all just objects to serve his ends. Twat.

I hope you have something nice planned for you or for you and DS this weekend. Whatever it is, make sure you remember to count your blessings, you are free of this tosser, you have a lovely son and a family who love and support you. And you have us lot, the Army of Binder marching alongside you all the way.

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 12:00

Thank you Zetetic and Flaming.

DS always likes the exterior of the house decorated for Halloween so tomorrow we will be getting all that stuff out in the morning. Can’t say there is much ‘helping’ going on but he absolutely LOVES it.

We then have a big Halloween party to go to on Saturday night which DS is really excited about. He must have put his Halloween costume on at least once EVERY DAY since I bought it!

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 30/10/2015 12:01

I will be thinking of you at 4pm. I have no doubt that you will handle this with your usual sensitivity. I hope your DS is feeling better today. The more I hear about your ex the more I think you're better off without him.

As to Xmas from now on you can do whatever the two of you want without worrying if ex with join in ir spoil it.

HorseyCool · 30/10/2015 12:19

How about suggesting that the ex takes DS to the Cinema?

I have a DH who doesn't want to do family stuff so I know how lonely it is. Onwards and upwards for you now, look forward to the silly stuff.

Good luck with OWH this arvo, maybe suggest he gets a cake with his coffee, he may not be eating well and a bit of sugar into him will help.

Barbie1 · 30/10/2015 12:26

Sounds like your son will thank you in the future for the decisions you are making now albeit forced ones

You sound like you have an incredible bond, going forth you can do all the things you enjoy without 'h' looking down on you.

I hope you have the best decorated house in the street and your ds remembers it for years to come and not all the crap that is going on behind the scene.

Good look for later today.

Ohfourfoxache · 30/10/2015 12:29

Binders in a sick, twisted and devastating way you might come through this and think it is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Not at the moment - at the moment the pain is raw and probably feels like it will never end. But the more you write about him the more of an utter wanker he sounds.

Lynnm63 · 30/10/2015 12:45

I agree oh four I was going to post the same thing but i bottled out of saying it.

mix56 · 30/10/2015 12:50

Glad you are getting this meeting over with. I think OWH wants & needs to know what you know. if you don't want to dissect it, just tell him you have enough to cause you more pain than you ever thought possible. I don't think he would trick you into bringing OW, & I don't think there is any risk, other than tears falling in public. I actually think it might be cathartic for you, but you are ahead of him. I would just say, try & let him do the talking.. will check in later to see if you have posted. Good Luck x

PhoenixReisling · 30/10/2015 12:58

Yes, good luck from me too!

The more you write about your EX the more I am Halloween Hmm about him. So because he has done something once, he won't do it again....even if it involved your DS/family time.

Is he a Narc? Sounds like he is a little...everything is about him! His needs/wants/desires are paramount to anyone/anything else.

DaggerEyes · 30/10/2015 12:58

I wonder if the husband wants proof? As in, a bunch of hard evidence to use as his divorce leverage? Could you make him copies of the photos? If they were in a sealed envelope you could tell him that's what they were, and he can decide if he looks.

Any man who turns up the opportunity of seeing his child's face at Disneyland is a fucking moron. How many family's dream of going?? It's a pipe dream for so many but he gets a chance, and blew it. However, those are now your own private memories and he can never see them. He'll never see that happy little face like you did. Im agog at his stupidity.

Babybrain32 · 30/10/2015 13:20

Woke at 3am to daughter crying, settled her and read your whole post....wow your an amazing strong woman. Good luck in meeting OWH your defo doing the right thing xx

miaowroar · 30/10/2015 13:22

Any man who turns up the opportunity of seeing his child's face at Disneyland is a fucking moron.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

This

We could never afford to go when the kids were little and I really feel they missed out - Both my XH and I would have loved to have been there with them.

Your EX must truly be a muppet of the first order. You and DS are well shut of him.

Will also be thinking of you at 4 pm today. Halloween Smile

tornandhurt · 30/10/2015 13:25

Hope it all goes well today. From early posts I think you mentioned that he was a really nice guy, so although he'll no doubt have lots of questions, I reckon it will go ok.

I actually dont think he's confronted her yet at all - perhaps with it being half term and they DCs being home he's kept it bottled up. I think he's probably spent this week asking a few questions and gathering a little bit of info before speaking to you. xx

lazarusb · 30/10/2015 13:31

Your ex is a real prize - one day he will kick himself, not just for what he's thrown away now but all those times in the past when he should have been having fun with the two of you. Hopefully the penny will began to drop now, he doesn't know either of you.

Will be thinking of you this afternoon.

Your Halloween plans sound great! Halloween Smile

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2015 13:49

He's clearly been a lousy husband but no excuse to be such a lousy father too. Who wouldn't want to see their child enjoying a panto or Disneyland? Unbelievable Halloween Angry

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/10/2015 14:02

As you say Binders, it has always been like being a single parent.

This was my experience of parenting with my abusive ex.

The good thing about this is, after the initial upheaval, the adjustment to being a single parent family will actually be very easy and familiar for you and DS.
And if ex ever actually steps up to the mark then DS will effectively have gone from having one parent to actually having two. If he doesn't then DS is, at least, no worse off than he was before.

And you are spared the teeth grinding irritation of having to watch your ex being useless on family days out. I find it is much easier being a single parent family knowing that is the way things are rather than going into things with the expectation of being a 2 parent family only to find you are one parent and a hanger on. The lack of him is less irritating when he is not there than when he was physically there but still absent iyswim.

I look back on days that I thought were happy family days out only to realise that there isn't one day that he did not in some way set out to spoil. Half way through a golden memory it turns greySad I am hoping the kids didn't notice those bits and their memories are better than the reality.

And we now have lots of fun days just the 3 of us well that's assuming they have edited out the inevitable chivvying, scolding and occasional downright bollocking that goes with taking my slightly unruly kids anywhere

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2015 14:33

Just remember that if OWH starts giving you info that you really don't want there's nothing wrong with saying "I'm sorry, I just don't want to hear any more about the wheres and whens of what they've done. It's too painful". You are there to provide him information, not to be his therapist nor his confessor. Also remember that the Binder Army will be standing right at your shoulder, in spirit.

My DH dislikes Disneyland with a passion. Yet he truly loved seeing our sons enjoying it when we'd go. Shoot, he even enjoys seeing me enjoy it and has gone with me a few times since they've been grown. I'm a real fan and I go at least once/year. A major part of our vacation this year was Disney World (FL) and DH didn't feel the need to go driving off 'sightseeing'. The more I hear of your stbx, the more I feel how much happier you and DS will be once the dust settles.

StopTittingAbout · 30/10/2015 14:45

I don't want any more details, I don't need it and I don't think I can face it and have it in my head and add to the hurt.
Do feel free to tell him you don't want to hear about it, if he does thise. Hope it goes well.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 30/10/2015 15:28

Good luck for later. X

Ohfourfoxache · 30/10/2015 15:30

Thinking of you love Thanks

Rotty I know you'll probably do this anyway, but could you give your sis an extra big hug from us all? I'm sure I'm not the only one on this thread who wished she could reach through the screen and give her a hug Thanks

SoDiana · 30/10/2015 15:35

Thinking of you pet.

lalalonglegs · 30/10/2015 15:37

Your ex sounds emotionally quite distant It's almost as if he didn't want to get too close to anyone - not even his son which is heartbreaking. Having sex with this old flame could have been, in his head, his way of not fully committing to you - it's interesting that when he was found out his immediate reaction was to offer to marry you as if that would fix everything.

I hope the meeting with OWH isn't too stressful. Walk away if it becomes too much.

TombStoneTessie · 30/10/2015 15:43

Best of luck binders

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 30/10/2015 15:48

Just a msg to say, thinking of you, good luck.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2015 16:16

OMG I'm just nervous thinking about what you are going through right now.
I hope it all went well and wasn't too painful.

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