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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 20:15

Have you ever heard of anyone whose DP or DH got away with a 14 year affair? . I just can't believe it. I can't believe how stupid I've been.I've been a total fool and putting up with his unfamily behaviour because I thought that's what we were supposed to be. I'm sorry. I've been doing so well or as well as can be till now. I'm back to that first day again.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 20:17

Bitoutofpractice- I don't know. I can't. I don't care anymore, I can't cope with it all.

OP posts:
Zetetic · 30/10/2015 20:18

You have not been stupid. He has been really horribly deceitful. Not your fault at all.

Cherrybakewells1 · 30/10/2015 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadwidow28 · 30/10/2015 20:23

binders I was typing my last message about the GUM clinic whilst you were posting your post at Fri 30-Oct-15 20:03:45

This IS the crash my lovely. You have been able to 'manage' everything so far, and you have kept yourself strong. It is like a bereaved person handling a funeral. What does a bereaved person do after the funeral is over and all the kindly friends have left?

This is when you really need friends - either RL or on-line. This is when you have to keep talking (and find someone who has a waterproof shoulder to cry on). I know that Rotty is brilliant when you need to kick someone - but you now need a compassionate friend who will just allow you to blubber (and I mean snotty crying!) and take DS for fun days ..... have you got anyone in your life like that?

This crash will make you think that everyday is a fog. You can't think straight. You have to lean on the sink in the kitchen to even hold yourself up to peel potatoes for DS' meal. You will wonder where the rice/pasta is kept. You want a certain kitchen knife and when it goes 'missing' it will reduce you to tears.

This crash has to be managed carefully so that DS has the best Mum that is possible (without Mum denying her own feelings).

I am happy to PM you my mobile No if you want a waterproof shoulder.

sadwidow28 · 30/10/2015 20:28

Binders said: "I don't know. I can't. I don't care anymore, I can't cope with it all."

Please stay on this thread Binders if you are there on your own. I'll PM my mobile No now. Call if you want to.

Cherrybakewells1 · 30/10/2015 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMshipIsBack · 30/10/2015 20:34

I'll be on and off till late tonight if you need some handholding Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2015 20:35

Oh poor fellow! I'm sure this was just a confirmation of the type of woman his wife is for him. I hope he has your courage and ends their marriage. Sounds like he, also like you, deserves so much more.

I think you handled this just right. You provided information, answered questions, and that's all. I wouldn't have asked him what he was going to do, he probably doesn't really know himself as yet. I wouldn't want my thoughts and feelings or what I've decided to do about my marriage to be any part of his decision.

I'm not surprised you've 'crashed' a bit. This was a big, big hurdle for you to get over, talking to him. It was the final 'big thing' to do and also the final 'confirmation' that it is all 'real', iyswim. Just be kind to yourself and try not to expect too much of yourself in the next few days.

Lacoba66 · 30/10/2015 20:35

Binders, it is natural that you start to question yourself as to why you didn't see it happening- BUT please remember that you gave your trust in your relationship, which is what 'normal' people do!

Your EX abused that because he felt 'entitled' to do so! It takes a 'special' (& I don't mean special in a good way) sort of person to act as he has done.

The irony, is that they are actually very well suited, but they never wanted to take it to the next level, because they both know that they are the scum of the earth and therefore they would not make each other feel good about themselves in a 'normal' relationship.

Yo have done an amazing thing today for the OWH, as at least he has the facts to make what ever decision he chooses.

Flowers & Wine for you binders. x

HappyHopefulStrongerAlone · 30/10/2015 20:35

You have done a very kind thing today Binders. I think sadwidow is right about the crash. You may find that you want/need to take time away from here too.

I am sorry that you are feeling sad/raw/broken but grief is a very necessary process.

Flowers
BlackbirdsInaPie · 30/10/2015 20:36

No, you have not been stupid, you poor love Flowers Most people go into a relationship openly & wholeheartedly and trust that their partner is so as well. Otherwise what would be the point?

He is the fooled one, the stupid one.

Cherrybakewells1 · 30/10/2015 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2015 20:39

Xposted with you.

You have a right to be angry and sad. You have a right to feel you can't cope. You've been through so much. But you will get through this, even though it doesn't seem so right now.

Can you call Rotty to be there with you? I know she'd want to be.

springydaffs · 30/10/2015 20:43

There is NO WAY you could have seen this coming. No way.

How could anyone suspect someone was doing something as duplicitous as this? There is just no way to suspect it, regardless whether he was cold/hot/warm/engaged/disengaged in the family. This level of deceit functions on a whole other level. There is simply no way to suspect it. It's almost on the level of fraud - and who sees that coming?

Take care sweetheart Flowers

PolishRemoverOfNail · 30/10/2015 20:49

I posted on the first thread, and just came back to see how you were getting on.

Even in telling OWH you have behaved with kindness and dignity. You are so lovely and although you won't appreciate this, you can do so much better than your recent ex. Can't believe he didn't want to enjoy the experience of seeing his son experience of Disneyworld.

Can I also say you sound like a fantastic mother - you clearly adore your DS and have a lovely relationship with him. Probably why your Ex is struggling - you've always done everything with DS.

I am so sorry you are upset by today - but remember this you have acted in a way which you should be proud of. You did not disrespect or mistrust anyone and you tried to prevent further harm - even letting OWH know to prevent him knowing via gossip.
Your intentions have always been honourable and you sound incredibly lovely.
Your Ex won't know what he has lost at the moment, but I hope he kicks himself about what he lost in you.

I hope you create a better future for you and your lovely DS.

Ps. Rotty sounds amazing - I hope she managed to support you today.

Fratelli · 30/10/2015 20:50

Ohh binders you haven't been stupid in the slightest. And you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.

Through all of this you have been so strong, a true inspiration. You must remember that it won't feel this way forever.

My aunties exh had an affair for 10 years and another alongside that for 6 years. She was crushed but a few years on she is so happy now and brilliantly strong.

Sending you lots of strength Flowers

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 21:10

rotty just text to say she is 15 minutes away. Turns out she was reading the thread and saw me breaking down and got in her car. Thank you sadwidow for such a kind and selfless offer - you are truly one amazing and special lady.

Thank you, all of you. You are all amazing x

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 30/10/2015 21:12

You haven't been stupid at all Binders, you weren't the only one taken in by their lies and you've been incredibly kind and selfless by making sure everyone who needed to know now does, it's understandable you're crashing now. Your anger, your need to get things sorted and do the best for DS have carried you through til now but you were bound to hit a lowest point and this is it. Time to be kind to yourself now, do what you need to get through this, cry, scream and finally give in to feeling everything that has so far been masked by needing to be practical and look after DS. Just remember it will pass, this is the worst you will feel and the only way is up once it's over. Take up Sadwidow's incredibly kind offer or lean on a friend, there's no shame in needing some support and no one thinks you are stupid, not for trusting someone you should have been able to trust or for hitting your emotional limit and allowing yourself to grieve. We're here if you need us.

Friendlystories · 30/10/2015 21:14

X posted, I love your sis, I would say she's one in a million but you're just as amazing so it's obviously genetic Wink glad she's on her way.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/10/2015 21:18

binders it is perfectly normal for good people like you to find it hard to spot bad people because you can neither believe nor imagine that someone would do such a thing because it is so far outside what you would do.

Likewise lying skanks (ow) imagine their partners (owh) are cheating because they cannot believe that other people are not like them.

You are in no way to blame.

YellowTulips · 30/10/2015 21:20

Glad to hear Rotty is en-route.

Sometimes you don't realise you are holding it all in until a catalyst (like the meeting today) opens the floodgates.

I'm sorry you feel so bad, but what you are experiencing is normal and whilst painful, actually quite healthy.

Look after yourself and please try and be kind to yourself. Thanks

miaowroar · 30/10/2015 21:23

You've played a blinder Binders! Wink Glad Rotty is en route!

StopTittingAbout · 30/10/2015 21:35

You're doing amazingly binders, well done. Don't deny yourself a bit of a cry - it's not a defeat, just a release. x

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2015 21:38

Oh! I thought rottie had been in the hotel and came over when owh left. Am I confused?