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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 00:28

Themship - same thoughts here. Making other arrangements. It's just too much upset at the moment for DS.

OP posts:
TheMshipIsBack · 30/10/2015 00:40

Good plan. Wish I could give you and DS both big hugs. He sounds like a charming little boy. Maybe he can do some fun gross & messy Hallowe'en stuff with his cousin or friends.

Get some sleep if you can, keep taking care of yourself.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/10/2015 00:51

The OW texted you again? Or did I misunderstand.
Or do you mean you could show her H her text. That would make sense.
I.imagine he just wants to see you as he probably has lots of unanswered questions. Like how do you know? How did you find out? When? Etc.
Which is fair enough he canmot help.wanting to know and also if he has confronted her and she is minimising he has nothing to say except 'binders told me' and maybe he doesn't want to say that.

bedelia · 30/10/2015 02:00

Just updated myself on the latest developments, binders. Hope you and DS are doing okay, you've been fantastically strong and restrained through all this.

Regarding OW - I fully agree with others to have no contact with her at all. Does she know that you've spoken with her H? If you're unsure, I'd try to have a conversation with him before meeting - forewarned is forearmed as they say.

Chances are he needs someone to talk to about all this, someone who understands. I really feel for him too! Both your ex and OW have a lot to account for. But also - be prepared to learn details you may not really wish to know, and ensure Rotty is there for reassurance and comfort should you need it.

Regarding DS - as a suggestion, perhaps he isn't "feeling up to a visit" with his father, and a phone call may suffice? This might help facilitate more regular visits in future, and could help you reinforce the stance that you're not "obstructing" contact? I wouldn't force it either if DS really doesn't want to go.

Above all, please look after yourself and DS. You've both been through an awful time recently and need to be kind to yourselves. Sending hugs and lots of support your way Smile

TombStoneTessie · 30/10/2015 05:53

Sorry binders,I didnt mean to alarm you with my post. I'm just a bit over suspicious sometimes in rl. I'm sure it will be fine and probably helpful to both of you. Best wishes to you and DS Flowers

Phoenix0x0 · 30/10/2015 07:13

Good idea to meet in a lounge.

if it were me I would plan to do this:

If the conversation becomes difficult (or you get upset), ask the dear Rottweiler to call you on your mobile (she'll be able to see this as she will be there) with a fabricated reason as to why you must leave immediately. This way you get an out if you need it.

Halloween Smile
Phoenix0x0 · 30/10/2015 07:16

Forgot to add.

Sorry to hear that your DS is upset at the minute and you are such a great mummy who he loves greatly.

I am still however astounded but not surprised that your EX has no idea what to do with DS......I assume that he hardly did anything with him when you were together.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/10/2015 08:02

In the long run a separation is sometimes good for lazy distant fathers as they have to learn to give their dc their full attention and they cannot just hide behind the other partner picking up the slack.

They may end up with a better rs in the long run as a result.

toastyarmadillo · 30/10/2015 08:47

Place marking wondering how the meet with owh will go, thinking of you binders xxx

Ohfourfoxache · 30/10/2015 09:22

Poor Ds Sad

He's only little and this must be an upheaval for him. Really highlights just what a cunt your ex is - I don't understand how a father could put his child through this, then not make contact enjoyable for him.

This may not be appropriate of course, but is there any way your ex's parents could facilitate contact? If there are 3 of them around and not just his lazy father then he might have a better time?

mum2mum99 · 30/10/2015 09:32

Binders, one step at a time, carefully considering your plans and listening to your army you are going forward. You may have to take some time out for yourself and DS. All the best to you Flowers

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 09:39

Thanks everyone.

Bedelia - That's one of the things I'm worried about. I actually hope OWH doesn't know anything. I don't want any more details, I don't need it and I don't think I can face it and have it in my head and add to the hurt.

Phoenix - That made me cry - feeling very emotional this morning anyway. Exactly that.... no EX has NO idea what to do with DS. It wouldn't surprise me if people who don't really know me well in RL actually thought I was a single mother.

Small - lazy fathers getting better - that's what I'm banking on.

Ohfour - I think EX's parents could definitely make things better. They love DS and he loves them and I actually thought that's what he would have done anyway. I know it's early days but it's not a good start is it?

I am meeting OHW at 4.00 pm today.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 09:47

mum2mum - thank you. That's how I've been looking at it. One step at a time. I get through each day - one day at a time. I get through the morning and then the afternoon and the evening, sleep is the best time and then start all over again. There is still so much to sort out and I'm in a real rush to do it. But each day is further away than that first day of total panic, disbelieve and utter heartbreak and the other awful days that have followed. I can only move forwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 09:48

Sorry, Ohfour - I clearly meant I am meeting OWH!

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 30/10/2015 09:52

I am not surprised he has contacted you. You are of course not obliged to meet him but you might both find it helpful to talk about it and you probably will compare notes and get righly indignant about the nasty pair of lying exes.

Your son is angry with your ex too, that will abate, and ex really does have to step up and take a lead on making the time they have together worthwhile. Sadly there are too many cinema and pizza dads out there but even a chat over pizza is probably more time they have had alone since ever?

Best wishes for the meeting.

mum2mum99 · 30/10/2015 10:00

Binders you have secured good foundations. It is what is most important. Today is again an emotionally charged day for you. I hope it goes well. Take care

weeonion · 30/10/2015 10:00

Binders - just to let you know that I am thinking of you today and hope that this afternoon goes the way you want / need it to. X

Cherrybakewells1 · 30/10/2015 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WimpyArseWanks · 30/10/2015 10:16

Good luck binders Flowers

NeuNewNouveau · 30/10/2015 10:28

Good luck this afternoon. You are doing great Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2015 10:39

Good luck this afternoon Binders!
Flowers for you and Cake for your little ds

RollingRollingRolling · 30/10/2015 10:42

Good luck for this afternoon, it sounds a good idea and might be therapeutic to see someone else didn't know what was going in as well.

lazarusb · 30/10/2015 10:53

Good luck Binders. If he launches into details you don't want - tell him. Some people need to know gory details, others don't.

Your poor ds. Your ex was lucky to have both of you for so long.

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 11:29

Thank you everyone for your best wishes, it means so much.

I hate this sensation of feeling sick all the time.

I popped into Asda this morning to buy some milk on my way into work and saw all the xmas aisles and it made me feel sad that Xmas will be different this year and yet, I've absolutely no idea why because as I've already said, EX wasn't interested in it at all anyway - none of it. So it's not like I have some lovely, special 'family' christmas memories to draw upon or miss out on because it will actually be no different. Me and DS will always do what we always do together. We even go to the annual pantomime together - EX did it once and then never came with us again - why? 'because 'I've been to one'.

We went to Florida and EX spent most of the time doing his own thing. Hired a car and went off touring around. (I did know this was what he was going to do beforehand though - pathetic but I wasn't to let him spoil it for us.). Why? Because he'd been before when he was younger!!!?? What father wouldn't want to watch through their child's eyes a holiday to Disneyland and what was for us, a holiday of a lifetime? I bet no-one else has ever done that.

Sorry, I don't want to start being all critical and just giving you loads of crappy examples. They just seem to me jumping into my mind 24/7 at the moment.

OP posts:
Zetetic · 30/10/2015 11:35

You are so much better off without him. Just plan a fabulous Christmas with lots of things to look forward to.