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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2015 16:44

Sitting here nervously thinking how it's going.
Feel sorry for binder obviously but feel sorry for this poor bloke too Sad

AllThatGlistensIs · 30/10/2015 16:52

Good luck today my lovely, I hope it's going as well as it could do under the circs Flowers

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 30/10/2015 18:12

Just checking in Binders, hope you're ok x

MissBattleaxe · 30/10/2015 18:58

Thinking of you binders. lots of support here for you xx

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 19:19

I've been. Met him in a local hotel. When he arrived he kissed me on the cheek hello like he normally would. We ordered coffee and he thanked me for meeting him. He hasn't said anything to her yet. He basically wanted to know what I know. So i told him. Told him how it never felt right when we all went out, he said he never noticed anything as he knew they were long time friends.

I told him about the photos and that I knew one of them had been taken just before they got married but nothing after that. He asked if I was sure it was her. I laid the envelope on the table with the photos in it and said 'I've brought them but you don't need to look at them but it is her'. I watched him open the envelope and look at the pictures - no expression on his face. One looked like it had been photocopied and enlarged. He said there were probably more digital versions. I told him how I had confronted EX and he admitted it. I told him how neither of them wanted him to find out, how they said it didn't mean anything. I told him how she had offered to meet me and how she sent a text to ask me what I was going to do. I told him how I ended it straight away with EX and he just nodded his head.

He told me she had an affair about 4 years ago. Her mobile rang once and caller ID showed a female name. He answered her mobile as she was in the shower and it was a guy's voice saying 'hey gorgeous'. He explained how his instinct had been to just end the call. He never said anything to her and then a few weeks later she was going away with the girls and he checked her bag when she came back and there was an opened packet of condoms with some missing. When he confronted her she said it was the girls messing about. She eventually admitted it. She had been so so sorry.

He didn't seem angry or upset, he wasn't anything. He said she had always accused him of having affairs or fancying X, Y and Z but he was completely faithful. He said it was all her own guilt talking.

I didn't ask what he was going to do. I told him how difficult if had been to decide whether to tell him or not. He said 'no, you did the right thing'. I told him I was sorry, he said 'you have nothing to be sorry about'. We hugged, he left and I stayed back and waited for rotty to come over and I then I cried like a baby.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 30/10/2015 19:25

What a trail of destruction and hurt that woman has left. Shame on her and shame on those who cheated with her. You have done something very selfless in telling and talking to him. It's the worst time of your life but you have still helped someone despite it being so painful. You deserve a medal and a glass of wine and a hug. And your sister is a diamond. xxxx

MythicalKings · 30/10/2015 19:27

Well done, Binders.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 30/10/2015 19:28

I wonder if your XP knows she's had an affair? Seriously OP, I know you've got enough on your plate but please get an STI test if you haven't already.

TheMshipIsBack · 30/10/2015 19:32

binders You did it perfectly. OWH seems like a pretty normal decent kind of guy, and you were so kind to tell him and then meet face to face.

I hope the crying helped a bit - that must have been terribly stressful for you. Have some Brew and as much Cake as needed.

Babybrain32 · 30/10/2015 19:33

Well done for doing the right thing. And well done for being so strong in such a hard situation. I don't know if I would of had the courage to do what u did tonight as much as I would want to!
I feel so sorry for her oh she doesn't deserve any man to be committed to her as she clearly can't be committed to them. Makes me feel sick. Poor poor man. I hope she gets what's coming to her, not only has she broken your family but now her own and I hope one day she will look at herself with disgust.
She is no role model for her children. You on the other hand are a strong woman and a brilliant mum. Your son will thank you. You will one day look upon these hard times and actually be thankful to your EX for being such a dick, as now you will become more stronger than ever and go on to live a happy life. Him on the other hand has lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Have a large glass of vino (one for me too as I'm pregnant Wink) and give your lovely Ds a big snuggle xxxxxxx

Sansoora · 30/10/2015 19:39

Binders, this is just to acknowledge your post. xxxxx

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 19:39

Thank you battle and mythical.

Moose - I did have a test and I was all clear - thank God.

Why do I feel more destroyed than ever?

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 19:42

Thank you themship, Sandinista and baby x

OP posts:
TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton · 30/10/2015 19:43

Oh my goodness - that poor man (and you of course).

My DH once dated a woman who was constantly shagging around and he said just the same of her as OWH said of OW - that she was suspicious and suspected him of also shagging around (even though he never had) because if she was doing it then surely everyone else must be. He assures me that he wasn't btw.

You have done so well today Thanks

Sansoora · 30/10/2015 19:44

Why do I feel more destroyed than ever?

Its the nature of the beast and quite often a positive move forward can actually feel any thing but.

xxx

simonettavespucci · 30/10/2015 19:45

Binders - I haven't posted since your last thread as I didn't really have any advice, but I have been reading and wanted to say I am in awe of how courageously and thoughtfully you have dealt with this. I feel very sorry for OWH as well - especially as from your meeting he seems a decent guy - but you couldn't have handled it better.

And I hope you don't mind my saying I second the poster saying you need to get an STI test. You can self-refer to a GUM clinic and you don't have to tell them any of the back story if you don't want to.

simonettavespucci · 30/10/2015 19:47

Oh sorry - cross-post. Good!!!

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 19:53

Sorry sansoora this autocorrect always chooses your name to play up on! Your post makes sense.

Thank you also thecreepy and Simon.

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 30/10/2015 19:55

I have just cried like a baby (your words) when I read your update binders.

Why oh why do people mess around in a relatively happy marriage? Marriages, like all other relationships, have challenges. They don't coast from the wedding day to 25 years without some careful management, an injection of communication, and a clear focus on the marriage being the No1 relationship.

OWH is going through all the pits you had to face 3.5 weeks ago. I hope he has his own army ready to support him. I doubt he has a Rottweiler on his side like you have.

You have been remarkable Binder. You carried out that meeting with OWH - because it needed to be done with honesty, grace and concern. You couldn't take away his pain, but you delivered the message so carefully that I am sure he will see that it was NOT revenge, just a 'need to know'.

I will keep you and OWH in my thoughts and prayers tonight. Flowers

lazarusb · 30/10/2015 19:58

Well done Binders. I guess meeting him makes it a bit raw again, just as you are starting to process the situation more. But this wasn't a backwards step.

If OW is stupid enough to keep repeating the same mistakes I really hope he pulls the rug from under this time. I know that isn't your concern though.

You and your ds are going to be a great and strong unit. I second everything SmallLegs said. Your dh won't have left the gap in your life that he thinks he has.

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 20:03

Sadwidow - you know how much your posts mean to me and how much support you have given me like so many others.

I don't know if this is the 'crash' bu I think this is the worst I've ever felt. I don't know if I feel like I've been looking in the mirror reliving it all whilst telling OWN. It feels like whatever has been holding me up these last few weeks has just crashed to the floor.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 30/10/2015 20:06

Well done for getting through that meeting binders. So hard to do but you did it out of kindness and decency. Flowers

Cosy up now, look after yourself xxx

sadwidow28 · 30/10/2015 20:07

He answered her mobile as she was in the shower and it was a guy's voice saying 'hey gorgeous'

Have you got a visit booked for the GUM clinic on your job list? (GUM = Genito-Urinary Medicine)

If your EX has been sleeping with someone who has had multiple affairs (as the OWH suspects) then YOU must put your own health first.

I know I have read threads where partners who are cheated on feel 'disgraced' and embarrassed by going for a GUM appointment, but the outcome is always that they were supported, valued and understood. Nobody at the GUM clinic makes a value judgement - and they would rather a partner who has been cheated on walks in and has the tests rather than buries they head in the sand.

I am sure that another binders army member will be along soon to advice better than I can do.

Zetetic · 30/10/2015 20:10

Well done binders. Have a fortifying glass of Wine and treat yourself to something that will cheer you up.

How about a feel good film? That always works for me if I'm feeling down. Smile

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2015 20:10

Why didn't you ask him what he planned to do? I would've thought you would need to know if he was going to confront her in case there's fallout for you