just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

Good luck Binders, will be thinking of you tomorrow!

Just thinking-do you think he is less likely to move out if you go to your sisters, thinking that you are backing down?

Whilst I agree that it would be a good idea to have some muscle behind you to make him leave, I can't help but worry that he would call the police and say you all threatened him? I wouldn't put anything past this man if he could be a deceitful bastard for 14 years. Plus what's stopping him coming back once your family leave? Have you got any idea if the OW DH knows yet?
You're probably worrying more at the prospect of what's going to happen or what could happen. But I've seen that 9/10 these kind of scenarios never go as you think they will.

think of it as a white wine and lemonade. Is Rottweiler with you? Xx

No he's not said anything except last night about the bins and going out but he is all very joyful and cheerful with DS which is good.

I've had a little chat with DS to plant the seed tonight and told him how much mummy and daddy love him and used some useful words other people had suggested. I said it would be like his cousin and his daddy and he broke my heart when he said I don't want to be like him and he got a bit upset but soon started telling me all about the Halloween costume he wanted. I will keep my eye on him.

I also wanted to add, why should you flee the family home when he destroyed it and not you?

You are not married though are you? so there wont be a divorce and custody battle - just him requesting contact I would imagine. I think the law may well be different for unmarried parents than for a child of a divorce.

This is one of the benefits of him not having committed to the relationship.

From the Gov site
If you have parental responsibility for a child you don’t live with, you don’t necessarily have a right to contact with them - but the other parent still needs to keep you updated about their well-being and progress.

not that I am suggesting that you intend to withold contact - just that it isnt necessarily part and parcel of a 'package' as with divorce.

binders well done on raising the subject with your DS. That must have taken guts. Sleep well tonight.

How utterly heartbreaking for you and your DS. Thinking of you and hope all goes well tomorrow.

Signing in to say good luck for tomorrow, hope the arsehole sees sense and moves out...

Binders, I had to live in the same house as my EA Ex. I admit it was bloody hell but I did it. The decline of our relationship went on for years and I did not have any support! None at all. I so wish I had had MN then.

If it does come down to this, you can do it too. You can. You will find a way.

The effect of it all was quite bad, but like I said, I had no family or friends around me. My Doctors were all amazing. I am now the other side of my divorce and I am fine. :)

I think you have been incredibly strong and single minded. And I suspect if you decide to stay your OH will be the one to find it difficult. Dont.. absolutely dont do anything for him, no cooking, washing, cleaning... anything. Just imagine he does not exist. I hope though that he does the decent thing tomorrow, however, going by previous behaviour I am not hopeful :(

Rerouted and found you Binders . Chins up and all strength for tomorrow

Thank you everyone and hello to new recruits, thank you for your best wishes.

So it looks like I need to stay in family home with DS. Only if OH does not decide to leave will I tell him I'm not going anywhere. We will go to sister for weekend and then I will just have people over all the time.

Cantaffortowork - thank you for sharing your story. I have to stop fearing the prospect of living under the same roof and get through it and just get the house sold asap or find out if he will buy me out.

Checking in binders. Glad to see you've started a new thread

I've been musing about your situation and have a few thoughts...

When you gave STBXP the deadline, did you give him a specific time? Assuming he hasn't made his intentions clear yet... what are your plans for if he decides to conveniently be out for the day?

I'd be tempted to send him a really clear message (by text, email and in person if necessary) along the lines of "If you have not made it clear by x-time, and are not here to tell me in person, I will assume that you have found somewhere else to stay and will pack your things for you. Do let me know where to drop them off for you as I'd hate for your precious things to get damaged out in the rain."

He might be hoping to avoid confrontation by simply not being around, thinking this could be the way for him to stay in the house or buy more time to win you around. Don't give him that opportunity.

I agree with others that you should try to stay put with DS and get him to leave if it's possible (for me, it wasn't an option in the end as safeguarding issues had developed). It would provide you both with the stability you need. As regards changing the locks... I'm sure I read somewhere that that might reflect badly on you as you're both joint owners. But it wouldn't hurt to have bolts on the doors and use them when you are home, especially at night, which would deter him from trying to sneak back in.

Should you need go to stay with your sister for a while, is there a chance of finding an affordable, appropriate rental for you and DS? Not to relinquish your legal claim on the house, but to ensure stability and a new home for you and DS. I'm sure others will be able to advise if this would be a good idea or not.

Thinking of you tonight binders. Hope you and DS are holding up okay

You could plan other weekends & school holidays away with family members so that you always have something nice to look forward to in the next few weeks.

Bedelia - the deadline is 4pm tomorrow.

I thought about a rental but the solicitor said I needed to continue to make my contributions to the mortgage and I can't do both hence why I was moving in with sister temporarily so I'm not wasting money.

Sweetheart could someone move in with you for a while and they could bunk in with you? You could put a blow up mattress in ds's room for nephew and pack cunt's bags for him?

I would just pack up all his clothes and leave them in the hall.
Make sure you forget to pack every other sock.

Binders

I'm sorry that we've upset you. It's a tough time, I know. I've been there. Our advice is meant with the best of intent. Please just get some legal advice next week before making any decisions. Please also do not change the locks.

Listen every single one of us knows he should go. He's a horrible person and should leave you in peace. Unfortunately, he seems to be operating in a different sheet to you. He will probably also be being advised not to leave the house.

Legally he's done nothing wrong and I haven't seen that there are any safeguarding issues.
I agree with the moral support. If there is someone who can move in for a while, move them in.

Get through this weekend and get thee to a lawyer for advice (even if he leaves). You need to know your rights and what's coming up.

Make sure you forget to pack every other sock. This is important.

I am still trying to come to terms with "put the bins out" well done for not shouting bus stop wanker at him as you drove past him!

God the mans a nob head!

Toosassy - please please don't apologise, you have absolutely no reason to. Everyone's support has been overwhelming and its the advice and stories, thoughts and opinions that have got me to where I am in under 2 weeks. I honestly couldn't have got this far without the support of MN.

I agree with an earlier posters suggestion that when this is all over you could write an invaluable guide to how to get through this situation in the best and most dignified way possible. Every move you've made so far has been spot on, you've managed to sift through all the (sometimes conflicting) advice you've been given and find the best option for you, that's something you should be really proud of. Keep moving forward in the same thoughtful, measured way and I have every confidence you will get this right.

Sgt 'Pond reporting and ready for duty, Ma'am!!

See what happens tomorrow. Having your sister there to apply pressure may help. If he does leave, be sure you 'forget' and leave the key in the lock (front and back doors, if applicable) so he can't get back in.

At this point, whether he leaves or not, I'd call OW's poor DH tomorrow and let him know. Now that your stbx's family knows it's probably only a matter of time until he hears it through the grapevine. I think I'd rather hear it from a direct source (you, the partner of the 'other party') than from some random down the pub.

BTW, did you ever hear from stbx's father?

Justgetknitting - the bins and driving past him just makes me visualise Hellkittys latest drawing which she narrates "You've only left him with his slippers and carrying around his sex sofa. Bad binders!" The bus stop is called loser stop and as I'm driving past hellkitty has been kind enough to have drawn my car driving through a puddle of water.