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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 17/10/2015 10:00

Good luck for today Binders

I really hope that he will move out and leave DS in his own home. But if he doesn't, then do get some head space at your DSis' home even if it is just for a few days or a week.

everybodylovesdogs · 17/10/2015 10:01

Hope all goes well today binders. Be strong.

SugarDiabetes · 17/10/2015 10:03

I'm here, reporting for duty.

HellKitty · 17/10/2015 10:11

So pleased you slept well, it makes it a lot easier.
I bet DP and OW haven't slept much since last week!

cleotaurus17 · 17/10/2015 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IguanaTail · 17/10/2015 10:26

hellkitty I loooooved the loser bus stop picture! Thank you!!

Binders. Big girl pants on today please. Inner core of steel. We are all right behind you and wishing we could take it in turns to smash his face in sending you positive vibes and support.

FrancesNiadova · 17/10/2015 10:38

Binders let me get this straight, he was living with you whilst you had his child, washed his clothes, made his meals whilst all the time keeping a fk buddy whom he introduced you to! (Being so cock-sure about his superiority, you mere woman, you).
Now he is refusing to move out of the home that he's deceived. Does he want you to stay as his skivvy, or is he expecting you & your DC to bow to his superiority & get out of his way now that you've made him feel uncomfortable.
Tell him to fk off to Far Far Away, then keep going.
Angry Raging on your behalf Flowers

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 17/10/2015 10:50

OK Binders here we go. Chin up etc and we'll see you on the other side.

Love the live video stream idea!

Awadebumbo · 17/10/2015 10:56

Hi binders I have been reading your threads since the beginning and can only say you are doing brilliantly. I cannot believe what a shit of a man he is and the fact that he is refusing to move out only cements that fact.

The idea of getting people round to make clear to him he needs to leave today is a good one but if you have to do it on your own just imagine regiment after regiment of the binders army standing right behind you.

In fact I wish I knew where you were, I come round and tell him to kick rocks myself and trust I can be terrifying, five minutes in a room with me and he'd be more than happy to leave.

Awadebumbo · 17/10/2015 11:00

Meant to also and reporting for duty in the binders army ??

Barbie1 · 17/10/2015 11:04

Wishing you all the best for today binders...

MrsP777x · 17/10/2015 11:12

What's the phrase... Fuck off, and when you get there, fuck off some more...

Oh wow the OW DH coming to dinner would be like the grand finale of Dr Foster... Except with some brilliant artwork from HellKitty. Fuck that would be worth a laugh just to see that picture put on the dinner table.

madmotherof2 · 17/10/2015 11:15

Good luck for today

Wondererer · 17/10/2015 11:16

Wow just read through your old thread and this one. New recruit here!!

Girl you have been so strong and yes of course the support has helped you immensely but ultimately YOU ARE STRONG. Well done OP and may I saywhat an utter dickhead your ex other half is!! The betrayal you must feel is beyond belief and I can't even begin to comprehend the hurt youre feeling but you are amazing!

Have you asked ex OH if they always used condoms and is it a possibility that he could be OW child's father?

You're so strong for not going round her house and telling her DH. I'd go all doctor foster on her ass if it was me!!

Wondererer · 17/10/2015 11:16

PS. Good luck today! Xx

Zetetic · 17/10/2015 11:17

This is a man who is in denial. He seriously compartmentalised his life and now the compartments have merged and he is alternately panicking / sticking head in sand to hope it all goes away. He wishes that binders would continue her allotted role.

One point worth remembering. Even if he is a total shit he is still father to ds and it will be much better for everyone if things remain as calm as possible. I think it is worth reassuring him that he will have parenting rights and access to ds.

It may stop things getting nasty / going to court. What do you all think?

Hope it goes as well as possible today binders.

IguanaTail · 17/10/2015 11:20

The only thing the dickhead has in his favour is binders. He gets to have a very fair and reasonable ex partner, who puts other people first, which he absolutely doesn't deserve.

florentina1 · 17/10/2015 11:25

I think you should call his bluff and invite an Estate Agent to value the property.

The, being especially cheerful around your son and the going out with aftershave is playing mind games. Just like he did when he paraded his mistress in front of you. He clearly wants everyone to think that you are the one splitting the family.

Good luck, stay strong.

Joysmum · 17/10/2015 11:27

It's ok to say keep this amicable and reason through this outside of court....

You can't reason with the unreasonable. Binders has been nothing but calm and reasonable whilst her shithead of a husband isn't being.

There's nothing SHE can do to change his unreasonable behaviour.

He's been unreasonable by continuing to fuck another woman and finding it acceptable for Binders to socialise with her. It stands to reason it could be a long wait for him to suddenly find a reasonable side now.

SymphonyofShadows · 17/10/2015 11:30

I think you should call his bluff and invite an Estate Agent to value the property

This! I don't think he understands how this works. He got caught. It's over. Things change. You own half the house and need to release your capital. This part isn't even about him really, the house needs to be sold or he needs to buy you out. This also massively needs pointing out to the IL's so they wake up to the facts too!

Zetetic · 17/10/2015 11:31

Agreed. But unfortunately she is still going to have to deal with him for a long time as he is father to ds.

SymphonyofShadows · 17/10/2015 11:33

If he refuses to move out then have every estate agent in your town come and value the property, one at a time, over as long a period as you can drag it out. Make appointments for when you know he is usually there and leave all their blurb laying around.

Rosyglow74 · 17/10/2015 11:33

With all the support you have, both here and in real life, you are going to get through this Binders. It may just be more complicated than you first thought.

Obviously the ideal situation is your OH quietly buggers off. However if this doesn't happen, I would get your sis to say..."OK Tosspot, you're staying. Well guess what, so am I. So you'd better start making arrangements for where you're sleeping, cos it definitely won't be in Binders room. I'll be in there, and anytime I'm not, Mrs X Y or Z will be. Now I suggest you get down to HomeBase and pick up a camp bed"

Stand firm sweetie.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 17/10/2015 11:55

Another reporting back on binders good luck today. Stand firm he is inherently weak and you WILL come out victorious. You hold all the cards. Once the snide slappers husband knows, tell him he's welcome to come in here for advice on shafting that bint. ( salutes to binders )

miaowroar · 17/10/2015 11:55

Don't be alone with him Binders.