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Original poster

Should I pay my elderly mum's mortgage off for her?

163 replies

Jangled · 14/10/2015 19:38

I'm so confused and conflicted :(

My mum is in a dreadful state physically - she has Parkinson's disease and lots of other mobility issues, is in pretty constant pain, and is just starting to get a little confused.

She has a repayment only mortgage that ends in November and doesn't have the money to pay it. She has had a partner for 30 years who I can only describe as an out and out crook. He has handled all their financial affairs but manipulated them for the benefit of his son and grandchildren who live abroad, and who are now very wealthy. Very very wealthy.

Over the years he has repeatedly borrowed/begged/stolen money off my mum, and we have remonstrated with her time after time to separate out her affairs from his, to seek independent financial advice, to let us help her. Time and again she would agree, but then as we were on the brink of getting help in, she would back off. She has vacillated from thinking one minute he is evil personified, to thinking the next that everything he says cannot be anything but true.

My parents divorced many years ago, and very sadly my dad died earlier this year. He has left me (I am his only living relative) enough money so that I could pay off my mum's mortgage. If I did this it would mean that I would have next to nothing to leave my own dc (four of them). It would mean that all my df's hard earned money would go to benefit my mum, with whom he had a very acrimonious relationship for many years after their divorce (although, in the last 2/3 years of his life they became friendly again). It would mean that my brother - who is my mum's son by another man (so not by my df or her partner) would inherit her house as she has already told me she is leaving it to him.

On the face of it, it's an easy decision to make. But then I speak to her and she seems so confused and sad and troubled that I feel so guilty. In her prime, she would boss and organise everyone to within an inch of their lives. It was infuriating but it was done with good intentions. And now it turns out her own affairs are as disorganised as it's possible to be.

Please tell me what you would do. I haven't detailed the ins and outs as it would take forever, but I'm happy to answer any questions anyone may have.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 14/10/2015 19:44

I don't know why you are even considering it. Keep your money for yourself and your children. I can't see how any details would make any difference here.

mellowyellow1 · 14/10/2015 19:45

Tough call - I don't know what I would do. If you paid the house would her partner be entitled to some of the money? Also if she needs to go into a home eventually (sorry to be so grim) wouldn't they take the money off of the price of the house to pay for the home? I've read somewhere that they do this.

A lot to think about for you. I'd be inclined not to pay it off unless your Dad specifically said that is what the money was for.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 14/10/2015 19:49

Keep the money and then pass it to your DC in your will.

If the house is going to your brother, he can cover the shortfall somehow. Or her partner can.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 14/10/2015 19:51

You will never see the cash again if you give it to her

Don't offer to resolve the issue. Reflect the problem back to her and give her telephone numbers for professional advice.

MotiSen · 14/10/2015 19:52

Kind of seems like the son who will inherit the house should pay off the mortgage.

Trooperslane · 14/10/2015 19:52

Absolutely no way. No way.

Sorry this is all so shit.

atticusclaw2 · 14/10/2015 19:53

Theres a good chance the partner will have or claim to have an interest in the house and so if you ask me you'd be nuts to pay it off. Keep the money for your own children.

Do you mean its interest only and she can't pay the capital off? If you pay it off you've basically bought either your brother or her partner a house.

If you want to help you'd be better off paying towards her rent when she is repossessed and moves out of the house.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 14/10/2015 19:55

The thing is, she could have taken control of her finances a long time ago and paid off her mortgage but she chose not to. Her partner could have prioritised paying off the mortgage but chose not to. The son could have also. Do not be the knight in shining armour, you won't really be helping her long term and you will be doing your kids a disservice.

bumpertobumper · 14/10/2015 19:55

When you say the mortgage ends in November do you mean next month? And do you mean it has been an interest only one with a large sum now due - if it was repayment that would mean there was only a little bit left to pay.

In terms of your dilemma, what is your relationship with your brother like? Could you make an arrangement with him that when he inherits he pays you back the amount you pay off? Does your mum have clear moments? Could she change her will to leave you the share of the house that this sum represents at the time.
Or, depending on how you feel about being tax efficient, she could make the house over to you and your brother now to avoid inheritance tax. But I suppose that wouldn't work with the boyfriend. Is the house in her name? Does he know that he won't be getting the house? He could contest the will anyway, plead poverty and homelessness and end up with the house (don't know if the law has changed now but that is what my mums step mother did).
It does sound like a tricky situation and I understand why you don't want to basically give away your inheritance.
What would happen if you don't pay it off? Would the boyfriends son step up, and then the house go to that gang as it were?

goawayalready · 14/10/2015 19:55

keep the money you should benefit from it more than him especially if she is leaving the house to someone else!

my exs uncle helped pay off his moms mortgage she put his name on the deeds and gave him 50% of the house and she has also put him as the main beneficiary in the will he has paid a lot towards the house and its fair for him to get back what he put in

BetaTest · 14/10/2015 19:57

No do not do it.

The money will just go to her partner or be used to pay care home bills.

The partner has the money or at least his children and grandchildren do.

You will never get any of it back.

If your mother cannot be repay the mortgage the house will have to be sold.

Original poster
Jangled · 14/10/2015 20:02

Thank you for the replies.

kitty that's what I tell myself in my saner moments and then I speak to her and hear her pain and agitation and start to feel guilty.

mellow I don't think her partner would be entitled to the money as I don't think she's mentioned him in her will. Df didn't say anything specific about the money but I think he would like it to be used for the benefit of my dc.

minimalist brother isn't a position to cover the shortfall. He in nearly 40 and still lives with mum, has no job, pays her nothing etc but he's a whole other story. Partner could pay off the mortgage if he used some of the money from his foreign interests, in fact, not only could he pay off the mortgage, he could buy as many other houses as he wished. It's more that he won't than can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jangled · 14/10/2015 20:03

Oh sorry, lots of other replies. Will read now.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/10/2015 20:03

If it was a repayment mortgage then the loan amount will have decreased over time anyway, unless they have reborrowed.

ouryve · 14/10/2015 20:08

I wouldn't. I honestly can't see her being the one who would benefit from it if you did.

Anxiousunfortunate · 14/10/2015 20:09

I bet the horrible partner would find some way of getting your Mothers house. As she can be so manipulated by him why take the risk.

Why feel guilty?

DriverSurpriseMe · 14/10/2015 20:09

I really don't think you should. I know you feel guilty, and kind of obligated, but once it's gone, it's gone, and you never know when you might need it.

cosytoaster · 14/10/2015 20:10

Could you buy the house off her and allow her to remain in it for the rest of her life. So you help your mum and keep the investment.

MisForMumNotMaid · 14/10/2015 20:10

Could you buy a percentage of the house off her with the condition she can live their until she wishes to sell?

MairyHoles · 14/10/2015 20:11

I can see your dilemma but you are aware she will leave it to your brother so you will never see the money again. If she marries the useless boyfriend it could well go to him. In your position I would offer to buy it from her (if you can afford this with your inheritance) and rent it to her for £1 per month. Alternatively I would buy half from her and get your name on the deeds. Essentially don't give her your money, that's not what your dad wanted and that will be the only end result if you simply pay the money over.

RandomMess · 14/10/2015 20:12

I don't think you can because I think her partner will somehow get ownership of the property. Perhaps the best thing would be to encourage her to sell up and move to a one bed sheltered accommodation type property without anyone else!!!!!!

VimFuego101 · 14/10/2015 20:13

All you will be doing is adding to his assets if you pay the mortgage off for her. He could pressure her into refinancing/releasing equity from the house and giving it to him, or leaving it to him in her will. Buying the house off her might be an option but you would need to be careful that it's done for fair market value, or she could be considered to have deprived herself of assets which may cause issues if she ever needs funding for care.

Goldmandra · 14/10/2015 20:13

What will you do if she gets an equity release and, effectively, hands over your money to the partner?

Also, what happens if your family end up desperately needing that money in the future?

MisForMumNotMaid · 14/10/2015 20:15

Their = there, oops!

Didiusfalco · 14/10/2015 20:19

Absolutely not! I'm sure you're dad would be horrified at the thought of his hard earned cash that he has left to you being used in this way. Your intentions are good but you should take whatever course of action you would have taken had this money not been available to you.