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Original poster

Should I pay my elderly mum's mortgage off for her?

163 replies

Jangled · 14/10/2015 19:38

I'm so confused and conflicted :(

My mum is in a dreadful state physically - she has Parkinson's disease and lots of other mobility issues, is in pretty constant pain, and is just starting to get a little confused.

She has a repayment only mortgage that ends in November and doesn't have the money to pay it. She has had a partner for 30 years who I can only describe as an out and out crook. He has handled all their financial affairs but manipulated them for the benefit of his son and grandchildren who live abroad, and who are now very wealthy. Very very wealthy.

Over the years he has repeatedly borrowed/begged/stolen money off my mum, and we have remonstrated with her time after time to separate out her affairs from his, to seek independent financial advice, to let us help her. Time and again she would agree, but then as we were on the brink of getting help in, she would back off. She has vacillated from thinking one minute he is evil personified, to thinking the next that everything he says cannot be anything but true.

My parents divorced many years ago, and very sadly my dad died earlier this year. He has left me (I am his only living relative) enough money so that I could pay off my mum's mortgage. If I did this it would mean that I would have next to nothing to leave my own dc (four of them). It would mean that all my df's hard earned money would go to benefit my mum, with whom he had a very acrimonious relationship for many years after their divorce (although, in the last 2/3 years of his life they became friendly again). It would mean that my brother - who is my mum's son by another man (so not by my df or her partner) would inherit her house as she has already told me she is leaving it to him.

On the face of it, it's an easy decision to make. But then I speak to her and she seems so confused and sad and troubled that I feel so guilty. In her prime, she would boss and organise everyone to within an inch of their lives. It was infuriating but it was done with good intentions. And now it turns out her own affairs are as disorganised as it's possible to be.

Please tell me what you would do. I haven't detailed the ins and outs as it would take forever, but I'm happy to answer any questions anyone may have.

OP posts:
LieselVonTwat · 15/10/2015 09:03

OP has anyone actually suggested you ought to do this, or is it just something you've come up with yourself? Do they know about your recent inheritance?

And yy re the equity already in the property. If it's a reasonable sized house, which I'm guessing it probably is since you mention a downstairs bathroom, it's quite possible it would be enough to buy a smaller property outright anyway. Which sounds like more than your brother deserves, but hey ho.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/10/2015 09:05

Absolutely, there is nothing you can do here that will be seen as "doing the right thing".

If you gave her the money, but asked that you got the house, she would accuse you of stealing your brother's inheritance. For every kind act, you will be punished.

This isn't just your money, this is your family's money. Your df wanted you to have a better life. He wanted your dcs to have a better life. If he was here he would tell you not to make your life harder by giving it to your DM.

I hope this thread has helped you make a firm decision. She won't be out on the streets.

You sound lovely. Use that loveliness for those who deserve it. Your dcs Flowers

Original poster
Jangled · 15/10/2015 09:15

Thanks for further advice. I definitely won't pay the mortgage off - like I said last night, it seems such an obvious decision now, seeing it all written down here.

But just to answer some questions - dm knows about the inheritance because in the last couple of years of his life, she and df were friendly again and, in fact, saw an awful lot of each other. She probably doesn't know the exact amount - none of us did - but I think she thinks it's a lot more than it actually is.

What she almost certainly doesn't know is that, because of various anomalies in dad's will (including a large bequest to my brother), the will was declared invalid by the bank's solicitors. So, if she knew about the bequest, she will be expecting it to come my brother's way at some point. But it won't be. I don't care what happens to him, he is a leech of the highest order, and it's high time he fended for himself.

Some of the comments here have had me open- mouthed in amazement - they're so prescient. I actually wonder if Silently, and others who have said similar, know me and my family situation. Or maybe my situation is just a classic example of the whole guilt/manipulation scenario :(

Anyway, must do some work now. But many thanks to all.

OP posts:
bishboschone · 15/10/2015 09:20

Where will she live if the house gets repossessed ? Will she go into state care ? If so leave them to it . Unless you can state that you inherit the house or get the money back in the will at the end ? Obviously it sounds like they would contest that anyway.

Hullygully · 15/10/2015 09:35

No nonononononononononononononononononono

Don't be insane

Or I tell you what, sell a kidney and give her partner the money.

Hullygully · 15/10/2015 09:35

Ah, sorry, didn't rtft

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 09:38

The will was declared invalid?? So you got your bequest, but your brother won't get his... How very odd.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/10/2015 09:41

how very painful

but sorry OP, as the house goes to the brother (why not 50:50 btw?) this completely colours my opinion here. NO - save for your DC

money would be better spent on a solicitor to disentangle hER from this horrible man

don't feel guilty |OP you have done NOTHING WRONG

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/10/2015 10:00

Floggingmolly
It can be something as basic as a beneficiary witnessing a will. If a beneficiary (or the person they are married to) witnesses a will then the gift to them in the will fails and they get nothing.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/10/2015 10:06

Jangled

I don't think there is any way you can save your DM from herself. If she can't repay the mortgage then the property will be sold. Hopefully, it has equity which can be spent on rent for your DM, if its not enough to buy another place.

Your Dad left that money for you and your family - use it in the way he would have wanted. If he had wanted your DM to have some of the money he would have given it to her before he died or included her in the will.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 10:07

Oh, I see. My understanding was that if the will was declared invalid, the deceased would be regarded as having died intestate; so the other provisions wouldn't necessarily stand.

NicoleWatterson · 15/10/2015 10:15

I think it's the right decision, given her Parkinson's and slippery partner there's every chance he would manipulate and contest a will change from her at this stage to reflect the gift you give her.

On a practical level Presumably (unless she remortgaged) there's some equity?? I know she's left it late but if there's a sale agreed the mortgage company will hold off repossession.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/10/2015 10:24

Flogging
I think if the whole will was declared invalid then you would be right. That's what made me wonder if it was the bequest to the brother that was invalid rather than the whole will.

Bogeyface · 15/10/2015 12:59

So your mum was very friendly with your dad after years of animosity, in that period he decides to leave a large amount to your brother which the bank then declares invalid?

Anyone else smell a scam?

Bogeyface · 15/10/2015 12:59

OP, what happened to rest of his estate after that bequest was declared invalid?

derxa · 15/10/2015 13:23

Anyone else smell a scam? I do but I'm unbelievably cynical.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 13:32

Yes. Very very fishy...

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 15/10/2015 13:33

After what has happened with a will in our family recently, the false accusations, the sheer greed and absolute lack of morals on the part of some people - if you are cynical and think badly of people in this regard it is likely because there is some truth behind it.

Keep your money OP.

Original poster
Jangled · 15/10/2015 13:47

Yes it was decided to declare df as having died intestate as there were several problems with the will. Firstly, they knew it wasn't the most recent one he had made but they couldn't find that one. Secondly, the date it was witnessed didn't match the date dad had signed it. Thirdly, there were some handwritten alterations. And fourthly, there was a large bequest to my brother. All the estate will therefore come to me.

OP posts:
DriverSurpriseMe · 15/10/2015 13:50

Your brother who is not your father's bio child? Yeah, pretty fishy. Were they close?

derxa · 15/10/2015 13:56

Yes it was decided to declare df as having died intestate as there were several problems with the will. Firstly, they knew it wasn't the most recent one he had made but they couldn't find that one. Secondly, the date it was witnessed didn't match the date dad had signed it. Thirdly, there were some handwritten alterations. And fourthly, there was a large bequest to my brother. All the estate will therefore come to me.
All I can say is OMG!

lavenderhoney · 15/10/2015 14:27

even more so, keep hold of the money. Are you being bothered about it and panicked at as the bank need the money instantly or they'll be homeless etc and you must hand it over at once? Do you have a plan to avoid all this emotional blackmail and pressure? It might ramp up.

You nearly got fiddled out of your inheritance. Aren't you pissed off? Your df would have been, I imagine. Get some proper advice on the options for making the best use of the money, start on here in the money section?

Have you made a will? You might want to do that.

Original poster
Jangled · 15/10/2015 14:52

I'm not being pressured in the sense dm has asked me for anything. She hasn't. But each time I speak to her she's tearful and worried and hand wringy (sorry, couldn't think of a better way to put it). Dh is very calm and sensible and has been saying for months what everyone on here has been saying. But he doesn't trust or like dm, having seen how she's treated me in the past so I thought I would try and get some unbiased opinions on here. And having seen that you're all pretty much of the same mind, I guess I will now listen to him!

lavender I was more pissed off last year when my brother tried to get 40k out of my dad because I knew for sure then that that was what had happened. I also suspect my dm and her partner of having had a hand in that plan.

We do have wills, yes.

OP posts:
derxa · 15/10/2015 14:54

I also suspect my dm and her partner of having had a hand in that plan
Why are you concerned about someone who is trying to cheat you out money? Birds of a feather flock together and all that.

Original poster
Jangled · 15/10/2015 14:56

Driver, df and my brother got close again in the last couple of years of his life. At the time I thought it was a good thing for each of them. But I know now that my dad was giving my brother pretty regular sums of money. Once he lost capacity, and once I took over his affairs, the money stopped. And, guess what? My brother suddenly became a whole lot less interested in my dad. Didn't go near him in fact for the last six months of his life :(

OP posts:
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