Should I pay my elderly mum's mortgage off for her?

[Jangled]

I'm so confused and conflicted :(

My mum is in a dreadful state physically - she has Parkinson's disease and lots of other mobility issues, is in pretty constant pain, and is just starting to get a little confused.

She has a repayment only mortgage that ends in November and doesn't have the money to pay it. She has had a partner for 30 years who I can only describe as an out and out crook. He has handled all their financial affairs but manipulated them for the benefit of his son and grandchildren who live abroad, and who are now very wealthy. Very very wealthy.

Over the years he has repeatedly borrowed/begged/stolen money off my mum, and we have remonstrated with her time after time to separate out her affairs from his, to seek independent financial advice, to let us help her. Time and again she would agree, but then as we were on the brink of getting help in, she would back off. She has vacillated from thinking one minute he is evil personified, to thinking the next that everything he says cannot be anything but true.

My parents divorced many years ago, and very sadly my dad died earlier this year. He has left me (I am his only living relative) enough money so that I could pay off my mum's mortgage. If I did this it would mean that I would have next to nothing to leave my own dc (four of them). It would mean that all my df's hard earned money would go to benefit my mum, with whom he had a very acrimonious relationship for many years after their divorce (although, in the last 2/3 years of his life they became friendly again). It would mean that my brother - who is my mum's son by another man (so not by my df or her partner) would inherit her house as she has already told me she is leaving it to him.

On the face of it, it's an easy decision to make. But then I speak to her and she seems so confused and sad and troubled that I feel so guilty. In her prime, she would boss and organise everyone to within an inch of their lives. It was infuriating but it was done with good intentions. And now it turns out her own affairs are as disorganised as it's possible to be.

Please tell me what you would do. I haven't detailed the ins and outs as it would take forever, but I'm happy to answer any questions anyone may have.

I'm obviously not so charitable as the other posters, I think its very odd that you are even considering it.

Why not give the money to charity if you don't want it; personally I wouldn't treat my DCs like that though, I'd want to hold onto the cash for them to share. I think Silently has put it more eloquently.

It's not odd to consider helping family - or is it? My dc won't go without. We own our house and both earn decent wages so they will do ok once we're gone. Even if I had decided to go ahead and help dm, we would still have been able to help our dc with uni fees/house deposits etc. As it is, we'll just have a bit more in the pot for them now. I'm sorry if I sound defensive, I don't mean too. But I love my own dc dearly and their childhood has been very different to mine.

Silently your latest post has really given me food for thought. I don't suppose you offer therapy do you?

It's not odd to consider helping family - or is it? My dc won't go without. We own our house and both earn decent wages so they will do ok once we're gone. Even if I had decided to go ahead and help dm, we would still have been able to help our dc with uni fees/house deposits etc. As it is, we'll just have a bit more in the pot for them now. I'm sorry if I sound defensive, I don't mean too. But I love my own dc dearly and their childhood has been very different to mine.

Silently your latest post has really given me food for thought. I don't suppose you offer therapy do you?

Thanks PSE! Am considering a career change as we speak.

OP I don't think most people would feel it's odd per se, just is in these circumstances. Helping DC is arguably different to other family members too of course.

If you want to invest your dad's hard-earned money in property, buy something that won't have a bunch of feckless sitting tenants in it. Added to which it's a legal minefield and they may have a claim anyway. Steer clear.

Your mother has been foolish and has made absurd choices. It's not your job to rescue her, however. You have your children to consider, as well as your own future. Help her with practical things - if her house is repossessed before she passes away she will probably be housed by the council, and you can help with the arrangements - but don't waste a penny of your inheritance.

"It's not odd to consider helping family - or is it?"
It isn't odd to consider helping 'normal' family - the sort of family who would help you in times of need, who look out for you as a matter of course, who love and respect and care for you. But - a wastrel brother who who tried to defraud your (not his, your) father's will? Because he's the one you'll really be helping, not your mother. (Not that she falls into the category of 'normal' family anyway.)

TBH, if you really, really wanted to help your family - paying off the mortgage would not do it. It would not help them in the true sense; all it would do is enable them to live in their little toxic bubble for a bit longer. But your mother will pass on (you've said you think she has a year at most - I suspect it'll be a lot longer) and your brother needs to become an independent adult who keeps himself instead of leeching of your mother/your dad/you. If anything, paying off that mortgage would be, in the long term, the absolute worst thing you could do for them.

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "paying her mortgage off for her would be the stupidest decision ever made".

I mean that kindly. You do sound a bit brainwashed by all this.

if your father left you the money to use to pay off the mortgage you are morally obligated to do that, that was his intent right?

If the money was intended just for you, then it is your choice what you decide to do, but I wouldn't make my kids suffer and live on the breadline just for some bricks and mortar.

I think I probably am a bit brainwashed, or perhaps I've just been ground down to accept what seems to be a messed up situation as normal. She (dm) has always been adamant about the importance of family - which seems ludicrous when you look at the dynamics of my family (my family growing up, that is - not my family with dh and dc).

Katarzyna - no, df didn't stipulate how the money should be spent at all.

I'm probably not going to come back to the thread after tonight as I have, thanks to all the advice/opinions, definitely decided not to go ahead with paying her mortgage. I've also realised the whole situation is more messed up than I thought and I need to get some perspective. I'm very thankful for all the posts - it really has been an eye opener. Dh is slightly peeved that it's taken some strangers to convince me of what he's been trying to for years, but I really feel as if a light has been switched on. :)

Definitely going over to the Stately Homes thread too.

Thanks a million.

Dh is slightly peeved that it's taken some strangers to convince me of what he's been trying to for years

It's often easier to take the view of those looking in from outside who have no personal involvement.

It sounds like you have quite a lot of processing to do

Poor chicken! Of course it's not as clear to you- you're in the middle of it, with the dying mother, and all that emotional harm that she's done to you.

If you did give the money, poof, it's gone, and your mum's BF and feckless son don't sound like a worthy cause (understatement).

If you 'buy' the house, they could legally challenge it- claim you'd defrauded her in her infirmity.

Even if not, you'd have a cat's chance in hell of ever getting them to pay rent or leave.

No no no no no no.

Good luck, OP - I'm glad you've had a lightbulb moment about how unfair this family dynamic is to you. Bear in mind your mum appears to believe in the importance of 'family' solely in terms of how it benefits her - I don't think any of these people would lift a finger to help you financially.

I don't think there is anything odd about wanting to help family and I feel your pain on this - all your instincts are saying you need to do something. It's a mess!

Obviously I agree with every other poster that this doesn't mean paying off her mortgage - that is the responsibility of the people who are living in the house and benefiting from it. If the house is repossessed they'll have to do something. If necessary, let that happen.

Where you come in is to be ready to get your mum into alternative, safe accommodation.

[Re your brother I'm thinking that whether your mum intended to leave 'everything' to him or not he may end up losing a lot if not all of it to the partner].