Should I pay my elderly mum's mortgage off for her?

[Jangled]

I'm so confused and conflicted :(

My mum is in a dreadful state physically - she has Parkinson's disease and lots of other mobility issues, is in pretty constant pain, and is just starting to get a little confused.

She has a repayment only mortgage that ends in November and doesn't have the money to pay it. She has had a partner for 30 years who I can only describe as an out and out crook. He has handled all their financial affairs but manipulated them for the benefit of his son and grandchildren who live abroad, and who are now very wealthy. Very very wealthy.

Over the years he has repeatedly borrowed/begged/stolen money off my mum, and we have remonstrated with her time after time to separate out her affairs from his, to seek independent financial advice, to let us help her. Time and again she would agree, but then as we were on the brink of getting help in, she would back off. She has vacillated from thinking one minute he is evil personified, to thinking the next that everything he says cannot be anything but true.

My parents divorced many years ago, and very sadly my dad died earlier this year. He has left me (I am his only living relative) enough money so that I could pay off my mum's mortgage. If I did this it would mean that I would have next to nothing to leave my own dc (four of them). It would mean that all my df's hard earned money would go to benefit my mum, with whom he had a very acrimonious relationship for many years after their divorce (although, in the last 2/3 years of his life they became friendly again). It would mean that my brother - who is my mum's son by another man (so not by my df or her partner) would inherit her house as she has already told me she is leaving it to him.

On the face of it, it's an easy decision to make. But then I speak to her and she seems so confused and sad and troubled that I feel so guilty. In her prime, she would boss and organise everyone to within an inch of their lives. It was infuriating but it was done with good intentions. And now it turns out her own affairs are as disorganised as it's possible to be.

Please tell me what you would do. I haven't detailed the ins and outs as it would take forever, but I'm happy to answer any questions anyone may have.

Another 'please don't do this' here, although I think from your posts, you have decided that anyway.
Your dad left you that money to YOU, and tbh, you and your children are the important ones here. Paying off the mortgage for your mother would be, IMO, handing your father's money, to your mother's partner or to your brother. No, no, no!

I think you've received decent financial advice.

On an emotional level, giving her this money won’t make your mum love you. It won’t make your relationship right, it won’t change the fact that you come third for her, behind her bloke and your brother in a three horse race.

She will blame you for this but she’s probably blamed you for everything anyway.

Sorry.

Would it be reasonable to sell the house, pay off the mortgage and use the equity to buy/rent her some kind of warden controlled or supported living? Or do the brother and partner have to be housed? If she is beginning to ail is there any power of attorney in place regarding her financial and medical interests? She may be getting to the point where she shouldn't be making her own decisions and it doesn't sound like her partner and your brother have her best interests at heart

Yes it might be in you're mums interest to sell and rent a in warden supported accommodation

I think Silently has hit the nail on the head actually.

Don't do it. It's madness and you know that.

Your df left the money to YOU and your family - your dh, and your DC. He certainly didn't leave it to his ex wife and her scoundrel of a dh.

How did she find out? Just say your df dying wish was that the money went to his GC and however hard it is for her, it's impossible for you to change that. You could even say your dh is trustee and he won't allow it and nor do you want him to.

You would regret doing this. Offer emotional support, which is worth bucket loads and stay right out of it. In fact, tie the money up as much as you can or pay off your mortgage. Your df loved you, if he wanted her to have it he would have left it to her. Don't get fucked over and think being nice will make your life nicer. It won't.

No no no no no no no do not pay her mortgage off.

I have been in a similar ish position.

If you don't want her to be at the mercy of the state / out on the street, offer to buy a new property on a buy to let basis that she can rent from you

OP - just to add to the chorus of 'hell no'. Your dad left you that money to improve your life and that of your dc. I'm afraid that you will be pissing it away if you pay off this latest financial catastrophe of your mum and brother.

I would suggest that perhaps they all have got wind of your inheritance and have found a way to relieve you of it. Have you actually seen any documents which show the true state of affairs?

Don't pay it

No no don't pay it. It would be like flushing it right down the crapper. Your father meant for it to benefit you and your family.

Another one saying no.

Your father left it to you for a reason, if he had wanted your mother, Mr Slippery and your brother to have it, he would have left it to them.

Use it for your own family, as your father wanted.

I don't think your Dad would have wanted you to essentially give away your inheritance. He would want you and your children to have it.

FUCK and NO!

If you do this you will regret it the rest of your life.
Your children and your life should be your priority now. Imagine what amazing things you can do with that inheritance for your family. For your children's future. For your home and life with your husband.

Don't give YOUR money to an utter fuck nugget of a human being (your mum's DH) to assuage misplaced guilt. Because that is effectively what you would be doing.

I would suggest that perhaps they all have got wind of your inheritance and have found a way to relieve you of it.

spot on.

sorry - I suspect there is also an element within the family of OP would inherit from her father so DB should inherit from his mum.

Sorry to be blunt here but if your Mum has taken out a mortgage interest only and has made no provisions to repay it then that's her problem. What did she think was going to happen? It's all very well to say she's leaving the house to your brother but really she's just rented it from the bank she still owes the exact same amount of money she did back then.
How much is the outstanding mortgage compared to its value? Could she sell the house and afford to buy something smaller outright with the equity?
And to be even more blunt if you don't think your mum has much time left anyway then I wouldn't worry about it. She'll be dead the house will have to be sold to repay the mortgage and your brother will finally have to grow up and fend for himself

You can not protect your mother from the consequences of her reckless decisions, by making your own reckless decision. Your mother is fortunate in that she still has options (selling) and it is not to late for her to start making better decisions.

Your dm, if she hs limited time left, and is poorly too, may be interested in ensuring your db has a house and she still feels responsible for his welfare.
What about your dad trying to ensure you are your family are ok?

By your family I mean your dh and DC. What would be the worst thing that could happen if you don't hand it over? Will your DM shout at you?

The house will be sold, bills paid and new accomadation found. You have offered your DM a room, where does your db live now and does he work? He could house share and the slippery dh will sort himself out.

Your inheritance is nothing to do with them. It's not a big pile of money which is going spare and you don't need. It has a purpose. You'll never see it again.

I wouldn't do it just because of the circumstances....especially if you won't inherit the house. By the sounds of it you'd be the last to get a look in after your brother and her scheming partner and his son. Has your mum asked you for help with it directly?

It's worth keeping in your mind as well, that the bank can't just throw them out at the end of November when the debt isn't cleared. They will have to prove they've tried to work with your mum, there will be offers of anohter repayment mortgage, which will obviously be a lot higher monthly repayments. If thta is not paid, then they can start procceedings, but that will need several months of non-payment and then a long slow process of court case, your brother and her DP will have a long time of it clearly not all being sorted for them before they are facing eviction and you might well find they step up. If your brother is getting the house anyway, he might well get your mum to sign it over to him and he takes on the debt.

But obviously for all of them, the easist would be for you to just clear it for them.

No, I would not do this at all as this is simply enabling her. Your mother has made a long series of bad choices for which you are not responsible in any way. You should have learnt a long time ago that you cannot help someone who simply does not want to be helped.

"He in nearly 40 and still lives with mum, has no job, pays her nothing etc but he's a whole other story"
I noted this re your brother. My BIL is the same but that is not my fault either. She has allowed this situation to happen as well.

I also think that reading the Stately Homes thread on these pages would be a good idea; you seem to have FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in spades.

If your DM has an interest only mortgage which is now at the end of it's term then she has had it for some time which means that in all likelihood there is a reasonable amount of equity in the house.

As a result she is not going to be out on the streets. The house will be sold because she won't be able to repay the loan to the bank unless your DB or her partner step in. If your DM doesn't sell the house herself then the bank will repossess and sell the house. Your DM will receive the equity in the house which will give her a chunk of money which she can then use to rent something else. She will also probably have a lump sum left over to give to your DB and/or her partner if she's so inclined.

Do NOT buy your brother a house with your children's money. Think of it as if your DM has said to you

"Your brother is more worthy than you, you must buy him a house with your inheritance". Clearly you'd say no in that scenario so don't let the slightly different circumstances (but with ultimately the same outcome) cloud your judgement.

You need to keep reminding yourself of what the previous poster said (sorry, forgot the name).
'Buying her house will not make her love you.'

It also will not make your DB love you, he'd see you as a free bank in future and I would lay money on him asking you to bail him out in years to come.