Should I pay my elderly mum's mortgage off for her?

[Jangled]

I'm so confused and conflicted :(

My mum is in a dreadful state physically - she has Parkinson's disease and lots of other mobility issues, is in pretty constant pain, and is just starting to get a little confused.

She has a repayment only mortgage that ends in November and doesn't have the money to pay it. She has had a partner for 30 years who I can only describe as an out and out crook. He has handled all their financial affairs but manipulated them for the benefit of his son and grandchildren who live abroad, and who are now very wealthy. Very very wealthy.

Over the years he has repeatedly borrowed/begged/stolen money off my mum, and we have remonstrated with her time after time to separate out her affairs from his, to seek independent financial advice, to let us help her. Time and again she would agree, but then as we were on the brink of getting help in, she would back off. She has vacillated from thinking one minute he is evil personified, to thinking the next that everything he says cannot be anything but true.

My parents divorced many years ago, and very sadly my dad died earlier this year. He has left me (I am his only living relative) enough money so that I could pay off my mum's mortgage. If I did this it would mean that I would have next to nothing to leave my own dc (four of them). It would mean that all my df's hard earned money would go to benefit my mum, with whom he had a very acrimonious relationship for many years after their divorce (although, in the last 2/3 years of his life they became friendly again). It would mean that my brother - who is my mum's son by another man (so not by my df or her partner) would inherit her house as she has already told me she is leaving it to him.

On the face of it, it's an easy decision to make. But then I speak to her and she seems so confused and sad and troubled that I feel so guilty. In her prime, she would boss and organise everyone to within an inch of their lives. It was infuriating but it was done with good intentions. And now it turns out her own affairs are as disorganised as it's possible to be.

Please tell me what you would do. I haven't detailed the ins and outs as it would take forever, but I'm happy to answer any questions anyone may have.

Oh I know derxa. She hasn't been the best dm but I feel so sorry for her now. She has a partner who doesn't care about her beyond what he can get out of her, and a son who is worthless. She's not a bad evil woman, in fact she's probably done a lot of good in her life as firstly a nurse, and then a Matron. Just not been too good towards me. But still hard to watch her suffer you know?

But still hard to watch her suffer you know? But she has let you suffer. She made her bed now let her lie in it. You've been strong for your father and you will deal with the fall out when her partner and son don't get what they want. I bet they will both abandon her. Then you will be there.

Once he lost capacity, and once I took over his affairs, the money stopped. And, guess what? My brother suddenly became a whole lot less interested in my dad. Didn't go near him in fact for the last six months of his life

Oh, that's awful. I'm glad the will got overturned.

All the more reason not to pay for the house he's set to inherit.

So they almost certainly tried to defraud you of your inheritance, and even though you knew that , you were still considering giving them your money?

Any time you are tempted to pay off the mortgage, remember that - they were willing to steal from an old man without capacity to prevent this, and when that didn't work they altered his will, and when that didn't work, they started on you. They are despicable.

Jangled-I am very impressed at the forgiving and balanced way in which you talk about your Mom. You seem like a lovely person. And sure, your Mom did some good in her life, as a nurse and a Matron, but it is not your responsibility to reward her for that.

When my children grow up I fully expect them to put their own partners/children first. My husband and I will take care of ourselves, for better or for worse. Your mother must do the same. It is tough out there for the younger generation, and you are better off safeguarding your inheritance for your children.

However, your dilemma is based on your sense of decency and compassion, which is lovely to see. (But please don't give her any money!)

"Yes it was decided to declare df as having died intestate as there were several problems with the will. "

"I'm not being pressured in the sense dm has asked me for anything. She hasn't. But each time I speak to her she's tearful and worried and hand wringy"

Oh dear. So they couldn't cheat you out of your inheritance one way; so now they're trying another. And yes, I would wonder if her " just starting to get a little confused" was completely fake part of the new tactic. You say you're not being pressured, but you are. Your mother is pressing all your buttons. What is that, if not pressure?

I am glad to read that that you have decided against paying off her mortgage, because as others have already pointed out, that would be effectively handing all your cash to your wastrel brother and her scheming partner. A total mistake.

If your DM is in such a bad physical state then perhaps now is actually a good time to sell her house and move into a really good nursing home? She must need more care than she is getting with her son there? Perhaps that would galvanise him into fending for himself.

Although you think she only has a year or so left, trust me it could be much longer. My in laws have surprised me over and over with their recoveries and ability to keep going.

And personally, if she left everything to one child, I would contest the will if I were you. That's grossly unfair and whatever the reason I would be fuming.

And having seen that you're all pretty much of the same mind, I guess I will now listen to him!

At risk of sounding like a NetHun, listen to your DH; he knows best!

See? We don't always say LTB!

Don't put any money into your mum's finances. Give her your emotional support but keep your money for yourself and your family.

^ this^

Thank you for your nice words pitiless (I bet you're not). Yes badtime even knowing about the attemp to defraud I still wondered if I should step in. Not that it matters really but I know that my mum will have spun a line to all her friends about how heartless I am and how I never visit her (true really, haven't been down there since July) and I have to admit that that thought plays on my mind a bit.

Re why she's leaving everything to my brother - she feels that as he's never had a father figure in his life (her partner and db hate each other), and as I have, he needs it more than me. I'm fine with that.

How will inheriting cash (or a house) compensate for never having had a father figure in his life . It's not even compensation; he "needs" it...
Why are you falling for this guff, op?

Oh dear, this all sounds like difficult stuff to have in your head.

There are other ways you can support your DM - it doesn't have to be financial. And if her life is likely not to go on for a very long time, she won't really benefit financially herself. That is what feckless brother and scheming partner will be doing. I suppose she would benefit by being less worried if she thought things were sorted with regard to her mortgage. Don't people usually have endowments to cover this with interest only mortgages? I thought you had to have one in place.

Perhaps you could help her by discussing what her plan has been for when the day comes round. What did she think would happen? Your inheritance is tied up for your DCs. So what do her son and partner think is going to happen at the end of this mortgage plan? Where do they think they are all going to live? Perhaps you can support and help her by galvanising these two idiots to come up with a plan of action. They are the ones who live in the house. Not you. So they need to make a plan. Next time she wrings her hands, can you try to direct her attention towards what she expects her partner and her son to do to save their home? Get her focussing on them for a solution. "Yes I know mum, it's worrying. What's dave thinking of doing about it?"

What's dave thinking of doing about it? Exactly.

Well its kind of hard to distance yourself molly, particularly when you've been fed a line for many years. On one level you know that what's happening isn't right/fair etc, but conditioning is so ingrained.

Mum's partner has no interest/doesn't care what will happen to the house. He has always planned to go and live abroad with his son and dgc once he's made as much money from their concerns over here. I daresay he'll be off at the earliest opportunity. Like I say, a real mess.

You used to have to have endowments for the predecessor to interest only mortgages, but you don't have to for IO now fantasticbuttocks. There are people who have them for solid financial reasons and sometimes they're the most advantageous thing, but there are also people like the DM here who have no plan at all to pay off the capital. They're something of a timebomb.

Realky, Liesel? What happens when the mortgage term is over? Is it just like a secure method of renting really?

Jangled I know how hard it is to resist the line you've been fed, but think about this: Your brother not having a father figure isn't YOUR fault, it's hers; she's the one who kept the man that hated her son in their lives rather than finding a healthy relationship.

And you do sound really nice. If you absolutely need a mortgage to pay off, can I suggest mine? I'm very nice and I would send you a lovely gift basket!

I'm frankly stunned that you still have anything to do with any of them, after the scam with your father's will.

As Silently says, your mother only values you for what she can get out of you. There are three people who benefit from that mortgage being paid, and none of them are your children. You have offered to support your mother with her finances many times over a period of decades - each time she has rejected the help.

This money was intended for you and your children-not your criminally fraudulent brother, nor your mother's boyfriend's children.

That would be the $64,000 question floggingmolly.

I don't think that many IO mortgages have come to term yet, iirc they started getting uber popular and accessible around early 00s, and of course the standard term is 25 years so we're miles away yet. But some have. There can be a number of things happen. Sometimes yes, it's effectively a secure mode of renting. If everyone involved knows that, and just prefers it to private rentals or does it to get a nicer house than they could otherwise have for a bit, fair enough. The problem comes when people don't.

Sometimes people are hoping the property will have increased enough in value to allow them to sell and buy something else with the equity- good idea if you bought in Central London in 2001, not so much if it was a new build in Sunderland in 2007.

And some people do have really financially sound reasons for having them. I believe some of them let you overpay more, so that can be good if your income is high but variable- you might earn £500 one month but 10k the next or whatever, and need that flexibility. And before savings rates got so shit, your mortgage interest rate might be lower than the one on your savings account. So if your IO mortgage was £500 a month less than a repayment one and your mortgage rate was 1% while your savings account was 3%, you might actually be better off saving that money for a time, using it to pay some capital off at a particular point and pocketing the interest. Less common now though I should think, but I know of people who did it a few years back.

Thanks, Liesel, that's really interesting.

Liesl manages to make mortgage interest rates sound sexy. Kudos.

I'm fine with that.

That's your real problem. This is what your dysfunctional childhood has done to you, you have been conditioned to see this as normal, acceptable and nothing to get upset about. Your own reasonable reaction to this injustice is squashed by years of being told that your feelings shouldn't be displayed.

Go and have a look at your own kids, imagine picking your favourite and giving them all you have to the exclusion of the other three. Then imagine convincing the three that your behaviour is acceptable because they are worth a little bit less, you won't have to say it out loud, just keep treating them like they are less. Then try to imagine convincing the three that they shouldn’t only go without what you have but should willingly hand over what they’d acquired themselves. Imagine having bashed any sense of self-worth out of them to the point where they think you might be right.

Honestly, it’s not normal, it’s like the plot to a Grimm’s fairy tale.

Please think about spending some of that money on therapy, you need saving from this.

I wouldn't pay hers off, but I would extend my own home to make room for her to live with me! You are then helping her but ultimately the money remains yours.

You say your "d" b hasn't had a father figure which justifies his proposed inheritance, well what about your lack of mother figure? And it sounds like you've managed to haul yourself along regardless