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Original poster

Should I pay my elderly mum's mortgage off for her?

163 replies

Jangled · 14/10/2015 19:38

I'm so confused and conflicted :(

My mum is in a dreadful state physically - she has Parkinson's disease and lots of other mobility issues, is in pretty constant pain, and is just starting to get a little confused.

She has a repayment only mortgage that ends in November and doesn't have the money to pay it. She has had a partner for 30 years who I can only describe as an out and out crook. He has handled all their financial affairs but manipulated them for the benefit of his son and grandchildren who live abroad, and who are now very wealthy. Very very wealthy.

Over the years he has repeatedly borrowed/begged/stolen money off my mum, and we have remonstrated with her time after time to separate out her affairs from his, to seek independent financial advice, to let us help her. Time and again she would agree, but then as we were on the brink of getting help in, she would back off. She has vacillated from thinking one minute he is evil personified, to thinking the next that everything he says cannot be anything but true.

My parents divorced many years ago, and very sadly my dad died earlier this year. He has left me (I am his only living relative) enough money so that I could pay off my mum's mortgage. If I did this it would mean that I would have next to nothing to leave my own dc (four of them). It would mean that all my df's hard earned money would go to benefit my mum, with whom he had a very acrimonious relationship for many years after their divorce (although, in the last 2/3 years of his life they became friendly again). It would mean that my brother - who is my mum's son by another man (so not by my df or her partner) would inherit her house as she has already told me she is leaving it to him.

On the face of it, it's an easy decision to make. But then I speak to her and she seems so confused and sad and troubled that I feel so guilty. In her prime, she would boss and organise everyone to within an inch of their lives. It was infuriating but it was done with good intentions. And now it turns out her own affairs are as disorganised as it's possible to be.

Please tell me what you would do. I haven't detailed the ins and outs as it would take forever, but I'm happy to answer any questions anyone may have.

OP posts:
sleepingdragon · 14/10/2015 20:22

You are likely to be effectively handing the money over to your DMs partner- if he has manipulated her in the past why would he not do it again once he knows the house is worth something? You would be better supporting your mum to get financial advice and dealing with what happens when the mortgage ends. That's likely to involve a lot of expense too- moving, deposits, new furnture etc. Would your inheritance put you in a position to buy a house that your mum could rent from you? If so is that something you would want to consider (or would being a relative and landlord bring too many problems?) if you did go down this route it's worth noting that it is hard to get housing benefit paid on a home rented from relatives.

trixymalixy · 14/10/2015 20:24

No, don't do it!

Original poster
Jangled · 14/10/2015 20:24

Yes I did mean interest only, I'm sorry, and yes, this November.

I don't mean to sound callous but I think there's little chance mum will live much longer :( We have/have had a strange relationship and she has form for forgetting stuff and rewriting history. But now that I think the end cannot be more than a year away at the very most, it's difficult to see her suffering.

Everything is in dm's name - her partner is so slippery that he puts his name to as little as possible. He likes to keep a very low profile. She has happily sanctioned him signing her name to all sorts of stuff in the past and he has always had access to her bank accounts. Thus she doesn't really know what state her affairs are in. It's all such a mess. I don't think there's the remotest chance that partner's son will step in - he has never had a good relationship with my mum.

My brother and I don't speak for many reasons, but the clincher came when he tried to forge a cheque in my df's name for 40k. So that's another reason why I feel I don't want to pay the mortgage as ultimately he will benefit.

OP posts:
IjustGotmy2016diary · 14/10/2015 20:25

OMG...please please don't pay it off. You have been left that money by your Dad for YOUR family. If he had wanted it to go to her to benefit her and her son, then your DDad would have left it to her instead.

You have been given an amazing opportunity to make a real difference to yours and your children lives - please don't give this up.

You will never see that money again and as you said they have more than enough to pay it off already

mrstweefromtweesville · 14/10/2015 20:27

Don't put any money into your mum's finances. Give her your emotional support but keep your money for yourself and your family.

badtime · 14/10/2015 20:28

OP, your mother's situation is not your fault; therefore, you should not feel guilty. Why do you?

TBH, OP (and I mean this kindly), it sounds a bit like the apple hasn't really fallen far from the tree when it comes to financial management. You say that your mum would agree with you about her finances and then her partner would beg, borrow or steal her money; you say that it is an easy decision to make not to give your father's money away, but you are actually considering it because you feel guilty (for no reason!) I don't mean that your mother is necessarily being deliberately manipulative, but you are nonetheless allowing yourself to be manipulated. I think you are repeating the behaviour you learned from your mother.

If it helps, imagine your children in 30 years, wondering how they can help their mother who gave away a huge amount of money to her mother and brother, leaving herself with very little.

Original poster
Jangled · 14/10/2015 20:28

Yes you're all right, I know that in my head. It's the old heart that's giving me a conscience :)

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I wish I could paint a clearer picture of the situation but it's so complicated.

OP posts:
SakuraSakura · 14/10/2015 20:28

No, op. Don't. For all the reasons already given. I feel for you, it's a tough situation. You sound like an amazing daughter Thanks. But I think you need to keep that money for your own dcs.

badtime · 14/10/2015 20:30

Also (again, not meaning to sound callous), but if your mother has such a short time left, there is a fair chance that she won't even be spending that time at her house.

Do not (effectively) give your brother a house!

HatFullofStars · 14/10/2015 20:30

What a horrible situation to be in, so my sympathies to you for what is a nasty mess.

I think you shouldn't pay off her mortgage - surely her partner and her son should be the people to sort this out? I'm saying this because her son should contribute considering he's going to be the one to benefit in the long run. Could you appeal to his greedy side? Don't know how you'd make her unpleasant partner help - pride/ego maybe? Would he care what other people thought about his partner losing her home?

Horrid for you though Flowers

Corygal · 14/10/2015 20:31

No way. Now she's run out of her money, her DP & co are after yours. That's all that's going on here. Of course you're feeling guilty - that's what you're supposed to be feeling as a prelim to issuing a cheque.

If your DM ends up homeless (she won't - DP and yr DB have vested interests to stop that happening) you might need a little bit to sort her out somewhere else. But she won't, and anyway she'll have equity in the house to sort herself out. If it turns out she's already given it away, SS will a) call the fraud lawyers in b) pay for her accommodation themselves.

Please don't give away a penny. You won't be doing yr Mum any good.

ALemonyPea · 14/10/2015 20:31

The only way I'd pay it off is if the house was signed over to me.

Please don't throw your money away on this. It's YOUR money. If your DF wanted your mum to have any, he'd have left her some.

You're only benefiting her short term, once she dies, then her son and partner will be living off what should have been your inheritance.

Don't do it to yourself.

Original poster
Jangled · 14/10/2015 20:31

badtime - 'nail' and 'on the head' are words that come to mind re your comment about my handling of finances ...

OP posts:
Chchchchangeabout · 14/10/2015 20:31

Don't do it unless you are happy to give it directly to the crook.

Dogwalks2 · 14/10/2015 20:31

Ive reset my pass word just to reply. Please don't do it, you're dad meant that money for your children and not for someone who hasn't cared for your mother to enjoy. I understand you want to safegaurd your mothers home but if her partner has been with her for 30 years although it may not be perfect she has a roof over her head.

Chchchchangeabout · 14/10/2015 20:32

Because that is effectively what you are doing...

kitsnicket · 14/10/2015 20:32

Don't do it. Just don't. Seriously, OP, I can feel your pain and how much you're hurting, but believe me, your family sounds like a bunch of emotionally manipulative crooks who will take your money. As sad as it is for your mum, I don't mean to sound callous but it seems like she's brought a lot of this on herself. The fact that she won't live much longer should almost resolve the problem for you. If you were going to have to keep bailing her out of debt for years and years, I might have a different answer, but as far as I can see, you're (understandably) letting your feelings rule your brain. You'll give the money, never get it back, and be left to constantly pick up the slack. Don't. Do. It. The money is for you, no-one else.

expatinscotland · 14/10/2015 20:33

No FUCKING way should you do this. Get over to the But We Took You to Stately Homes threads. Why? Because she sounds like a classic narc. She doesn't forget shit, she rewrites things to suit her own ends because that is what narcs do.

This money is yours. To do this would be to throw it out the window at her partner and a brother you don't have contact with.

And she will try to manipulate you to do this. FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. She's classic.

You need the help of those people on the Stately Homes thread but under NO circumstance should you do this, EVER even if means temporarily not speaking to her because you feel pressure.

Do not hand over money that is YOURS and YOUR CHILDREN's from your father.

She's an adult. She had 30+ years to sort herself out. She chose not you. You are under zero obligation to throw good money after bad.

badtime · 14/10/2015 20:35

So Jangled, if you know this, and you know your mother made all the wrong decisions, then you also know that you shouldn't pay of the mortgage.

If it helps, try to manipulate yourself - think of how guilty you would feel if you couldn't give money to your children when you know that you should have had your father's money to help them out.

LieselVonTwat · 14/10/2015 20:36

If you actually want to buy either her partner or your brother a house, then yes. Go right ahead. This is a great opportunity to do just that. Otherwise no.

badtime · 14/10/2015 20:36

*off

Original poster
Jangled · 14/10/2015 20:42

Thank you everyone for reading and replying. It's really helped so much to get some clear headed responses. Difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're in the middle of it all but it seems so obvious now.

I'll go and find the Stately Homes thread shortly.

OP posts:
NoMilkNoSugar · 14/10/2015 20:42

Personally I don't think you should pay it off. Your DF gave you his money, he didn't leave it to anybody else. He wanted it to benefit you and your descendants.

bessiebumptious2 · 14/10/2015 20:43

OP, how would you feel about just transferring your inheritance from your dad straight into your brother's bank account?

Just asking, because that's effectively what you're considering doing.

Please, please, please don't do this - you will regret it forever. It's only an issue because your dad left you an inheritance. What would your mum do if that hadn't happened? Not forgetting that she is actually her partner's responsibility whilst they are under the same roof. What kind of man does this to his partner of 30 years? But he was her choice.

Plumm · 14/10/2015 20:45

Don't do it, for all the reasons already given.