Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I pay my elderly mum's mortgage off for her?

163 replies

Jangled · 14/10/2015 19:38

I'm so confused and conflicted :(

My mum is in a dreadful state physically - she has Parkinson's disease and lots of other mobility issues, is in pretty constant pain, and is just starting to get a little confused.

She has a repayment only mortgage that ends in November and doesn't have the money to pay it. She has had a partner for 30 years who I can only describe as an out and out crook. He has handled all their financial affairs but manipulated them for the benefit of his son and grandchildren who live abroad, and who are now very wealthy. Very very wealthy.

Over the years he has repeatedly borrowed/begged/stolen money off my mum, and we have remonstrated with her time after time to separate out her affairs from his, to seek independent financial advice, to let us help her. Time and again she would agree, but then as we were on the brink of getting help in, she would back off. She has vacillated from thinking one minute he is evil personified, to thinking the next that everything he says cannot be anything but true.

My parents divorced many years ago, and very sadly my dad died earlier this year. He has left me (I am his only living relative) enough money so that I could pay off my mum's mortgage. If I did this it would mean that I would have next to nothing to leave my own dc (four of them). It would mean that all my df's hard earned money would go to benefit my mum, with whom he had a very acrimonious relationship for many years after their divorce (although, in the last 2/3 years of his life they became friendly again). It would mean that my brother - who is my mum's son by another man (so not by my df or her partner) would inherit her house as she has already told me she is leaving it to him.

On the face of it, it's an easy decision to make. But then I speak to her and she seems so confused and sad and troubled that I feel so guilty. In her prime, she would boss and organise everyone to within an inch of their lives. It was infuriating but it was done with good intentions. And now it turns out her own affairs are as disorganised as it's possible to be.

Please tell me what you would do. I haven't detailed the ins and outs as it would take forever, but I'm happy to answer any questions anyone may have.

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 14/10/2015 20:47

In the circumstances you describe there is absolutely no way I would pay off her mortgage

Look after yourself & your DC first

bessiebumptious2 · 14/10/2015 20:47

And actually, why would your mum want you to do that? Something to ponder on, me thinks.

ValancyJane · 14/10/2015 20:48

In your shoes, I would pay it off only if it were signed over to me, in my name (obviously with the agreement being that she lives in the home for as long as she likes and pays bills). If she wouldn't agree to that, I wouldn't use the money in that way personally.

DinosaursRoar · 14/10/2015 20:49

Just adding to the chorus of 'don't do it'.

Banks don't just throw people out on the street, there's a looonnng process to reposess a house, and her health would be taken into consideration.

Is the house worth more than the debt? Would it be possible to speak to her about selling now, pay back the mortgage and buy something smaller with the difference/rent. You could 'sell' the idea to her of being in a more managable property would mean she could stay in it longer...

Does she know of your inheritance? If so, a white lie that its already been put in trust for your DCs and you cant access it might make her find a solution that's not just you.

TheBouquets · 14/10/2015 20:49

What about buying your mother's house. Let us say for the sake of the discussion that the mortgage outstanding is £50,000. You could buy the house for £50K + a sum which would just cover your mum's legal fees and outlays. Say something like £52.500. You could leave your mum as a sitting tenant with or without paying rent whatever you wish. Then the brother could become the tenant. Or you could rent the house out to gain more income than you would from keeping the cash in the bank.

peggyundercrackers · 14/10/2015 20:50

Agree with nomilknosugar.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/10/2015 20:51

What made you think of throwing your inheritance from your df away parting with your money when your dm has a wealthy partner and an adult son to come to her fianancial aid if they have no choice but to do so?

Watching a previously formidable parent/loved one become reduced by age to a shadow of their former selves inevitably invokes much pathos, but you're best advised to see your dm's plight as a lesson to what might befall you if you don't keep your financial affairs in order and/or allow others to take advantage of you.

liquidrevolution · 14/10/2015 20:53

Plus dont forget your DMs partner has been her partner for 30 years. Even if he is not mentioned in the will he still has an interest in her estate and can put in a claim. Recent court cases about this as far as I remember...

Canyouforgiveher · 14/10/2015 20:54

Don't do it.

And don't get involved with an arrangement whereby you give her some money and she transfers the house to you. Most likely she is not competent to do a transfer like that. In addition it would be highly complicated as a transaction if she has a mortgage, and finally your brother and/or useless partner will either refuse to vacate the house when she dies or sue you for a share.

Keep your money and support your mother as best you can emotionally but do not pour the money your dad left you down the drain.

DinosaursRoar · 14/10/2015 20:56

Also, I wouldn't go along with the idea of buying her house off her and let her, her DP and DS stay in it - you will have a nightmare time getting them out and any sort of rent from them if it's "their home" that you've "stolen".

If you must house your mum for what is a sadly short period, do you have the space to bring her to live with you? I'm sure the DP and your brother can fend for themselves...

FishWithABicycle · 14/10/2015 20:57

I don't think you should involve your own finances here. It's an awful situation but you would be throwing your money away for no good reason. Your mother has made her choices. They weren't good ones but you aren't going to change her personality by throwing away your money.

KitKat1985 · 14/10/2015 21:00

No, no way.

That money left to you by your dad could change your life. Your Mum has made her financial decisions over the years. You can't be held responsible for that.

The other issue you may have to consider is that from what you say there's a good chance that she may even have to go into care soon if her health is that poor. How would you feel seeing a house you paid for being sold in a few months to the state to pay for her care, (with any remaining funds probably going to your estranged brother)?

Namechangenell · 14/10/2015 21:04

Of course you don't do it. And you tell her that you've earmarked the money for your children to go to university (whether you have or not). No one can argue with that, least of all an (entitled) GP.

Muckogy · 14/10/2015 21:10

no.
please don't do it.

Cocolepew · 14/10/2015 21:11

good god NO

annandale · 14/10/2015 21:14

I wouldn't give it and I wouldn't get involved in any kind of transaction related to the house. The partner sounds untrustworthy and God knows what kinds of debts and legal tangles will come out when the house goes up for sale.

TweedAddict · 14/10/2015 21:15

The only way I would do this is if I brought the house myself and then let your mum live in it until her time comes. After that it would be sold and the others kicked out.

catsrus · 14/10/2015 21:22

No way - don't get involved, seriously. If worst comes to worst and she loses the house you can buy a little flat, in your name, and let her live in that. Don't risk your inheritance on her house.

Original poster
Jangled · 14/10/2015 21:23

We've asked her to come and live here but she always prevaricated. And now she physically couldn't - our house has no downstairs bathroom, not big enough for her wheelchair, no stair lift. Her house has all those things.

I should have posted in AIBU - I'd have got one of the rare threads where opinion is unanimous :) Thank you again. I won't hand over any money but will try and think of other ways of supporting her.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/10/2015 21:24

Ok - possibilities that you could do with this money:-

Pay off your own mortgage thus meaning that your children's home is secure for the rest of their childhood
Divide it in 4 and save for house deposits for when they are in their early 20s
Use to pay for university fees / private school fees / tennis lessons (if they are looking like they may be the next Andy Murray) / music lessons / whatever else education-wise they need
Use it to pay for some brilliant family holidays and show your children the world!
Put it in a pension /long term savings so that you will always be comfortable yourself when older and so your children never have this dilemma
Use it to support yourself so that you can work less / study the thing that you have always wanted to study

There are so many amazing things that you could do with the money. What type of man was your dad? What would he be telling you to do?

Or you could give it to the woman your dad divorced acrimoniously years ago, the man who steals her money and the half brother who tried to steal your dad's money. Seriously!?!? Would your dad want this?

Blistory · 14/10/2015 21:24

Make it a secured loan if you really feel that you have to help her out.

She keeps the house in her name, you take a charge over it. That way she still lives there, your brother can still inherit and you can get your money back. You'd need to check the value and who is on the title before you did it and it would also involve legal fees.

expatinscotland · 14/10/2015 21:35

'Make it a secured loan if you really feel that you have to help her out.'

With people like her mother and brother? The OP would have to be stupid to think she would ever get any money back.

You simply cannot give her money to support her. Her life is a decades-long demonstration of financial incompetence.

Support her by getting her referred to age concern charities.

Do not be roped into handing over cash for her support under any circumstances.

Viviennemary · 14/10/2015 21:43

No I don't think you should pay it under the circumstances. If your Dad wanted this money used in this way why did he not leave it to your Mum. I don't quite understand that it's a repayment mortgage and yet a large sum is due on completion. Usually with repayment mortgages the mortgage is paid off at the end of the repayment term. People are right. You could pay it off and then the house is mortgaged again and the money gone for nothing. Keep it yourself.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/10/2015 21:47

I would stay as far out of this as possible. Your mum has bought this on herself, she's probably had over 50 years of adult life to sort her shit out and hasn't.

I wouldn't get any loans or charges on the house or anything. You'd have to enforce it and court case's aren't cheap.

Any support off you should be more finding supported accommodation etc and helping her move.

DinosaursRoar · 14/10/2015 21:52

Perhaps you need to realise that your mum's DP and your brother have more incentive to sort this out than you - if they don't, it's not just your mum who'll lose her home, but they will too. Have you asked her, what are they doing to fix this problem? Do they know they are facing being homeless in the new year? Have the 3 of them talked through options? If not, why not? Why is she looking to you to fix this, but not them?

Lie that your money is already tied up and you can't access it - be it in a trust in your DCs name, or in a saving account you can't access for 4 months, anything to mean you can't fix it for her.

You might find that without you being an option, your mum/her DP/your brother find options.

Swipe left for the next trending thread