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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feel like im loosing my mind with this...

315 replies

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 00:43

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

OP posts:
TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 16/10/2015 23:46

It sounds very hard.
Are any of your friends available for a chat tomorrow?
Please don't stay in all weekend feeling lonely and sad. Make some plans for tomorrow.

petalsandstars · 17/10/2015 07:12

Please take your child out today - swimming or a farm or soft play depending on age. Something noisy and fun. Maybe get a friend to meet you

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 17/10/2015 07:38

Phone the Samaritans. That's the sort of thing they are there for.

You really do need to take some action now. All of your posts are the same - listing all of the things he does/says that make you deeply unhappy, but despite everything that's been said on this thread you haven't once sounded as though you are even ready to think about changing your situation. Why not? Don't be so passive - this doesn't have to be happening to you, it's so easy to change it. You just have to make a start.

If you don't feel strong enough to tell him that it's over then don't bother telling him anything. Just stop sitting around and waiting for his crumbs and start doing other things with your life. Don't focus on meeting another man just yet, concentrate on getting more friends and trying to keep busy.

Of course once you stop chasing him he'll probably suddenly become more interested and more attentive because he'll be a bit spooked by your sudden lack of neediness, so do expect him to get a bit 'better' in the short term, if only to get you back to where he wants you, which is in a place of emotional dependence. Then once he's soothed you with a few platitudes it will be business as usual. But only if you let it. Which you mustn't.

I don't think a single person here is going to give you advice along the lines of 'if you stop ringing him then he'll ring you more often and see you more if he feels his grip is loosening.' Of course this is exactly what will happen, and it's what you want to happen, but it's not the outcome any of us want for you because the reality is that this is a very unhealthy dynamic, the man is an emotionally abusive, childish, manipulative prick, who is only with you because he senses you are vulnerable and he enjoys the power trip. it can't be turned around and shaped into anything worth keeping hold of and the sooner you accept that the better.

The last thing you should be doing is constantly ringing/texting him and counting down the hours until he's promised to ring you back, that just gives him the power to choose to ring you or not ring you, and he knows it's torture for you. You've got into a really unhealthy cycle with this. If you don't break it, he eventually will, when he finally gets bored with this cat and mouse game and moves on permanently to someone else - which he will. Don't passively/tragically sit around and wait for this to happen to you.

Just make a decision to take control of it.

calmish1 · 17/10/2015 08:14

Morning lost girl, I agree with the poster above who said you aren't lost - just temporarily on the wrong path. I think you sound lovely and one day you will look back on this and think 'thank god I escaped' ...!

I can promise you that cutting this arsehole out of your life will be the best thing you ever did. Today is a fresh start. To begin with it feels like the worst thing ever & yes you may feel incredibly lonely I know I did in a similar situation. I won't bore you with how great my life is now but suffice to say it is.

The feeling of being lost and miserable will go away! Much sooner than you think they might. One step at a time.

Take your child to the park or do something nice today and start using very, very kind words about yourself; you are a much better person than you think you are.

New day, new start, he is your past; you've got a whole future out there to start working on.

And the Freedom programme. Start that too to avoid dodgy bloke repercussions in the future.

Love and luck OP xx

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 17/10/2015 12:36

Adult colouring. I know it sounds daft but it is very soothing and absorbing. Passesthe time. Which is what you need to let time past so that this rs becomes a thing of the past.

And yes yes be prepared for him to attempt to try to get you back. That is not a sign that he loved you all along. It is a sign that he thinks he owns you and he wants to win. Try your hardest to kerp him out. One day at a time.

Oneeyedbloke · 17/10/2015 20:07

Keep your chin up, Lostgirl. Given what you've been through with this guy, it's amazing you still have your kindness & consideration for others intact. They're wasted on him, of course, but at least it means he hasn't totally done your head in, you're still you. After this, yes sometimes you'll feel a bit sad - it's awful that people treat others like this. It's sad that some people's personalities are so messed up. But that's why they need psychotherapy - professionals can help without being personally involved. But you'll be wiser, hopefully with some insight into how you came to fall for someone like this. Self-knowledge is the best knowledge there is. Wishing you strength FlowersWineBrew

Francoitalialan · 17/10/2015 23:08

You ok OP?

lostgirl83 · 17/10/2015 23:51

Hi everyone and thanks for the replies....
Ive been having a rare few hrs in and a takeaway/glass of wine with one of my mates tonight which has been lovely
He has rang once earlier before he went on his lads weekend....i didnt answer and hes sent me a pic msg of the event they have gone to i guess to prove hes where he said he was going but i purposely havent clicked on it so it still shows to him i havent opened it i cant be bothered with the hassle of why i didnt reply as i never not reply.
One day at a time eh....i feel ok tonight but thats prob the wine ill prob feel 100x worse tomorrow with a hangover lol x

OP posts:
lostgirl83 · 17/10/2015 23:56

Just to add i took my kids out today....i couldnt afford it but if i didnt spend it on them i would have only spent it on buying stuff to cook him meals next week so its not sidestepping bills for them i didnt realise i unconciously budgeted for having money to spoil him!
Was nice i was so preoccupied i ignored my phone n didnt even see he had called till an hr or so later and then thought no im not ignoring my kids to call him back
This all must seem so obvious stuff to everyone but is baby steps in right direction to me.....im sure i will fall off the wagon at some point as i still dont feel strong but everyday is a day stronger i hope n coming on here is such a godsend i just wanted to say thank you x

OP posts:
lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 00:17

The comments on this site give me strength .... i keep reading them over and over again when i feel like texting him a "i hope ur having a great nighy i miss u, love u etc msg"
U ladies are wicked and i hope one day soon im half as strong as you xx

OP posts:
LittleFeileFooFoo · 18/10/2015 00:26

Lost, I'm so glad you had a day out with the kids. See, already you are realizing what constraints you've put on yourself and your kids to appease this hoofwank. Your kids are worth you budgeting treats, he's not!

Baby steps, you're doing great, and just think, one day you'll be paying it forward, giving your hard-won, good advice to some other person in this position!

lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 00:34

Just to add a bit of background about maybe why i put up with what i do .....
They say these things often stem from childhood.....my dad is in many ways my best mate i am totally him he is kind caring will do anything for an easy life and full of laughs ( i used to be ) he is the role model of a guy id love to meet so i do have a positive male role model in my life and when growing up .
My mum is toxic always has been always will be we think she has a personality disorder but she will never admit she has a problem she was abusive ( mentally mostly altho sometimes physically ) my whole childhood and still is altho i try to keep her at arms length as much as possible
Me and my dad have this kind of sad but sarcastically funny sympathy for each other as we both empathise with what the other has had to put up with
I got married young age 20 to a guy who swept me off my feet massively .... he was my saviour from the hurt my mum put me through and made me feel for once my existence meant something....for a couple of years.....then he started physically attacking me or harming himself to scare me always because the way i was made him do it so you start to believe that if your turning your own mum and your husband into vicious nasty people it must be you
Its hard its really hard when people exploit the confidence issues you have to thier own advantage ( i know now im not the 1st or last gfriend/wife my ex has beaten/controlled )
Im just that pathetic lost girl hoping one day someone will show love back rather than use my abusive past as a green light to abuse me themselves
Theres only so much 1 person can take xx

OP posts:
Atenco · 18/10/2015 05:20

i hope one day soon im half as strong as you

Actually I see it in real life and I see it on mumsnet, us woman who have fucked up and learnt our lesson are the strongest people around. So welcome to the club, OP, you are catching on.

toastyarmadillo · 18/10/2015 06:39

Agree with the unanimous advice you have been given, have a supportive (Un mumsnetty hug) xx

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 18/10/2015 06:56

Yes Atenco no-one gets huge muscles without working out a lot, and likewise no-one gets to be wise without having made mistakes and learned the hard way, no-one gets to be strong without having been knocked down a few times and learned to get back and and stand a bit firmer next time.

OP Most of us are wise and strong now because we were once where you are. It's a gradual process of realisation and the day the lightbulb goes on, the day it really dawns on you that you that not only do you have it within you to change things, but that you are entitled to be the one to decide when and how those changes happen, is the day the journey starts.

HellKitty · 18/10/2015 07:26

i hope one day soon im half as strong as you

You are. You just don't know it yet.
Really effing proud of you today!

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 18/10/2015 08:42

Lostgirl I'm really glad too that you had a day with the kids and then had a nice evening too.
And well done for prioritising your kids and ignoring his texts.

I think you are strong and youre getting stronger and stronger too.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 18/10/2015 08:46

i would have only spent it on buying stuff to cook him meals next week so its not sidestepping bills for them i didnt realise i unconciously budgeted for having money to spoil him!
Well done!

i was so preoccupied i ignored my phone n didnt even see he had called till an hr or so later and then thought no im not ignoring my kids to call him back
This is exactly what we meant by just getting a bit of distance, even a bit. So SO proud of you!

im sure i will fall off the wagon at some point as i still dont feel strong
You might not. You might, but just remember that doesn't make you a bad person or a hopeless case, just somebody who needs to get back on the wagon.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 18/10/2015 08:59

About your family-of-origin. Your dad sounds lovely, and I'm glad you have such a nice relationship with him, but, with the greatest respect and kindness, I don't think he was a good role model for you. He put up with abuse for so long, you've grown up thinking its OK. I'm sure he loves you loads, and what's done is done, but please don't think you'd be disloyal to him and your relationship to say "No! This is not right! Mum abused me and you let it happen, and dammit, I'm not going to let anything happen to my children"

I'm not saying you even have to say it to him (although that may come in time, as part of the process), but you do have to feel it to your core, and take whatever steps you need to heal yourself. Have you done any counselling, or the Freedom Programme? Please look into them. And have a read of the Stately Homes freds with some good links.

What are you doing with the DCs today? Smile

schlong · 18/10/2015 11:20

What amazing clued up posters on this thread. OP big up for prioritising your dc and that's the path to take. While you're stressing over waste of space what are they experiencing? Your dad tho is a thorny subject. I'd hazard (whoa there) he actually enabled your abusive m and subconsciously you're hurt and resentful towards him. Family lore and reality oft diverge.

You're winning though and you will emerge from this stronger, pitiful excuse for a man free and - crucially - a better dm to your precious dc. Unlike your own. FlowersFlowers

Now kick that motherfucker to the curb, under a bus or even in the long grass but just GET RID.

Oneeyedbloke · 18/10/2015 15:41

Hi Lostgirl, your family background was really interesting & not a million miles different from mine, though it's Different For Guys :) I guess there's not many of us on here without issues of some kind from our pasts. I sometimes think, is there a single undamaged person? But the crucial question is, can we empathise, can we imagine what it feels like to be someone else? You clearly can, and you try to put that to good use. We have to do that all the time with children, don't we - when they're being really trying and difficult, we have to reach back & recall something of what it was like to feel those raw emotions of childhood, otherwise we'd just lose it the whole time. And for many of us that process is an uncomfortable one, because maybe our parents didn't always react to us the way we'd have liked - or were downright abusive. There's a depressing spirally feel to all this, that's perfectly expressed, for me at least, in that Philip Larkin poem that goes 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad ... But they were fucked up in their turn'. But as long as our ability to feel empathy still functions, we can break the spiral and do better than that. Sounds to me like you're doing just that, so here are massive cheers for you, yaaay!! A friend of my wife's had a saying, 'Looking after you IS looking after them', ie what kids need is a happy enough parent, so look after yourself and your kids get the trickle-down effect except it's not a trickle it's a wave. Angry, sad, baffled parents result in angry, sad, baffled kids. And that guy is making you angry, sad & baffled.
I would deffo find space for some counselling if you can. Talk to your GP. I am a huge fan of counselling, CBT made me see that I had issues with stuff that I regarded as just normal, that's what happens when your parents can't empathise with you & resort to control, or neglect. It sounds glib & naive but those 6 counselling sessions taught me the first ever lessons in 'me-ness' I'd ever had, and it gives you the ability to see yourself a bit more objectively. Happiness, whatever that is exactly, comes from yourself, no man or woman alive can 'bring' you happiness. But if you find someone with empathy, you can be so much happier together than apart. And you're not dependent on each other, won't die if they go away, no matter what the love songs say. You wash that unempathic man right out of your hair, you've done it before. And then, just like you'd go back to the doctor if you had a physical problem that kept coming back, do some 'lessons in you' to try to find out what works for you in relationships, what expectations & beliefs you bring to them. It's brilliant to be able to say exactly what you feel & think, like MN but one-to-one. Smile You stay strong, and just keep moving AWAY from him until the thread breaks & you can start living life free of guilt dumped on you.

Nevergrowingup · 18/10/2015 16:40

Couldn't agree more with leavemywings. Most people posting here have come through their own difficult times and that's why they feel so strongly about guiding you through yours.

You know where you want to go and that place is free from this man who is openly abusing you. Easier said that done - yes, but take heart from the small steps you are taking and keep walking away from him.

He'll always be a dick, you don't need to be part of that story any more. Create your own story, find someone to help guide you through you past and don't look back.

I don't dispute that its very hard, its tough but by God its worth it. A life on your own terms is truly a gift. Give yourself that gift.

Parsley1234 · 18/10/2015 19:18

Keep going lost girl ! Baby steps keep focusing and being with those beautiful children xxx

lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 20:49

Thank you all :) hes back from his lads weekend now and off to his mates for the night so guess he isnt interested in speaking to me either
Its crap feeling like you mean nothing to someone you care so much about :( oh well ....

OP posts:
lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 21:31

Btw the info that he was home and now back off out to his mates was sent as a msg that i havent replied to and dont plan to
I havent spoken to him and wont tonight just hurts a bit that he didnt want to speak to me
I hope this gets easier and quickly

OP posts: