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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel like im loosing my mind with this...

315 replies

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 00:43

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

OP posts:
LittleFeileFooFoo · 18/10/2015 21:32

You don't mean nothing to him, lost, but what you do mean is not fair or right, for you! Don't feel like this means you can't have a lovely relationship, take this as a step toward that healthy relationship.

What do you need to learn to recognize men who act like your mother? That's who you have been dating, your mom! Next time you speak with this guy, ask if his response is like your mom when she wants something from you. Take a step back and see if he isn't just, or a lot, like your mom. I'll bet he is.

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 21:42

Thank you... i guess he is a bit like my mum yeah always right, very critical and high and mighty and totally uncaring
Dont feel worth anything to anyone tonight, i know his opinion of me shouldnt matter but it does still atm hopefully soon i can stop caring like i have with my mum

OP posts:
Francoitalialan · 18/10/2015 21:45

Can you accept that you're projecting your mum into this man?

Nevergrowingup · 18/10/2015 21:49

Lost, is there anything different about his behaviour tonight?

Probably not. This bloke's behaviour is as predictable as the sun coming up every morning... he appears, he disappears, he calls, he doesn't call, he treats you... well - badly.

So he's not really going to change. He's king of his castle so why should he. He gets to do what he wants, when he wants and he feels some kind of power/ego trip when he treats you badly.

Trust me, there are plenty of decent men out there. They might not be on your horizon at the moment, but for as long as you live in this limbo, you have no chance of meeting them.

You have a choice in all of this. Its not an easy choice because you feel he might just, given a lightbulb moment, change. Perhaps he will but as you have no idea when this will be, it might be time to leave him to his games and explore life without this dead weight around your neck.

It hurts a lot when he shows how little he cares. Maybe this is as much as he can give, maybe he's an emotional black hole. You don't have to be in that black hole with him. DOn't focus on whether he cares, he doesn't know how to. Start thinking about caring for yourself as step 1.

Climb on to that step and let Mumsnet show you what a great place that is - for starters Smile

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 21:50

How am i projecting my mum into him? Sorri dont understand what you mean.....?

OP posts:
Original poster
lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 21:53

No there is nothing different about his behaviour tonight its just standard but like you say hurts so bad everytime he proves how little i mean to him
I do keep hoping he will have that lightbulb moment where he thinks shit shes always there for me maybe i should be there for her a bit too but its never going to happen is it :(

OP posts:
Francoitalialan · 18/10/2015 21:57

You hoped your mum would love you. She didn't.

You hoped that being nice and pleasing would bring her to her senses. It didn't.

You hoped she would stop hurting you and see sense. She didn't.

This man is doing the same and this relationship is so important to you because if he comes good then that somehow 'rights all wrongs'.

But he's not your mum. He's done other twat who isn't about to change either.

Nevergrowingup · 18/10/2015 22:03

Sadly I don't think people like that have lightbulb moments, unless its about themselves.

To be honest, a partner who cared wouldn't belittle you when you asked them to show it more, or when you said you were unhappy. Whenever you challenge him he's ready with his put-downs and its just a pattern for him.

The thing is that you ARE always there for him. Rain, hail or shine he can come waltzing in, get a great meal, get a shag, create a scene, shout at you and... bingo!! He can walk away without looking back - because he can.

And so it goes on.

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 22:07

@franco.... i think you may be right im clinging on because i hope that it might change and then i wont feel like everyone thats meant to have loved me hasnt....
I know its unlikely to change at all though his disregard of me is actually getting worse not better i think x

OP posts:
Francoitalialan · 18/10/2015 22:08

Your kids love you. Break the cycle.Flowers

Nevergrowingup · 18/10/2015 22:10

Franco is 100% right. Your kids love you Flowers

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 18/10/2015 22:11

I know they do thank you :) x

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 18/10/2015 22:26

The thing to keep in your mind is that its not you - its him.

I know its a cliché but its important to keep remembering that you have done nothing wrong and you have more feelings in your little finger than he has in his whole body...

That's partly why he keeps draining your soul, making you feel worthless. Keep all that great energy and hope for yourself. Don't buy him fillet steak - use the money to take your kids to the cinema/McDonalds/movie night in with treats - anything.

Try and focus on things for yourself and your DCs rather than all those things he's not doing for you.

clam · 18/10/2015 22:29

How old are your kids? Please get rid of this guy before they are old enough to see how you allow him to treat you. If not for yourself, please do it for them.

This thread has made me feel quite angry. At him. How DARE he? He's clearly a bastard nasty piece of work, BUT you've got to learn to value yourself more highly and not accept this treatment from him.

Flowers
TRexingInAsda · 18/10/2015 23:37

Well done OP, you're going in the right direction - away from this awful bloke. Don't cave in just because he squeezes out a drop of charm to try to hoik you back in, if he even bothers. Or if you do cave - we're all human - remember to drop his arse like hot lava as soon as he reminds you how he really is a git, and how sad this relationship makes you.

So glad you had a great day with the people that really matter. x

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 19/10/2015 00:23

Hi all
Should be in bed really but i cant sleep...got a big meeting/interview tomorrow and i really dont know how im going to go in there and "sell myself" because atm i dont feel worth buying
Dont feel prepared other people have dome lots of preparation about thier strengths but i dont feel i have any....i can see me walking in there and bursting into tears rather than selling myself as i dont feel ive even got the confidence to go
Maybe i should just pull a sickie and not embarrass myself trying to be something im not x

OP posts:
muggedOnEbay · 19/10/2015 00:32

Be yourself and think of the possibilities if you crack it. You just need to present yourself and don't over think as you need to sell yourself over the top. They probably want someone genuine to work with anyways and like your profile. I would not pass on an opportunity like this.

TheSilveryPussycat · 19/10/2015 00:32

Get a good night's sleep if possible. Have a focussed 5 min in the morning to jot down some things you have done, and the strength each one shows. Work quickly!

All the best for tomorrow, whatever you decide.

TheSilveryPussycat · 19/10/2015 00:32

Get a good night's sleep if possible. Have a focussed 5 min in the morning to jot down some things you have done, and the strength each one shows. Work quickly!

All the best for tomorrow, whatever you decide.

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 19/10/2015 00:51

Thank you i just dont have the confidence atm i just want to hide away from the world not be trying to show im worth something when im not
Someone at work the other day commented that id lost all my confidence and i walk with my head down now like im embarrased ( didnt realise it was so obvious ) but i am.... every single bit of me has been picked apart my appearance, my hair, my weight, the way i dress, the way i speak ... i literally cant think of anything that there hasnt been a cruel "joke" made about .... thing is the "jokes" are so damaging esp as he knows i have no confidence
Sorry for the rant peeps i know i keep doing that!
He did call about half eleven i didnt answer he can just think i was asleep....i know hes not calling to say anything nice he will prob just tell me how annoying i am and i cant take any more kicks atm i feel so broken
Will update tomorrow whether i made it to the interview or not
Thanks for all being there means alot :)

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 19/10/2015 01:10

Good that you have noticed how posture and state of mind are related. Shoulders back, head up :)

Nightie night!

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 19/10/2015 06:38

What Franco said about your mum is so very true. I had a similar thing with my absent father who saw us occasionally when it suited him, but we were never his priority, merely a guilty obligation that he remembered from time to time.

You always think if you were nicer, better, tried harder, they'd love you more and want to be with you more, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. But what happens is instead of realising it's their loss and walking away it becomes like an obsessive mission to make them love you, that you feel incapable of giving up on. Because you always think that the fault must be with you, and if only you could be better things would be different.

But they won't because the problem isn't you to start with. It's them.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 19/10/2015 06:53

Sorry, and what I meant to say was that it is very common to go on and project that onto future relationships with people who just aren't worth the effort, but you don't see it, because you think that's just how relationships are.

But they're not.

petalsandstars · 19/10/2015 07:35

Best wishes for your interview. Try to think back to before you were with him and harness your confidence that your work mates saw in you. Could you call a friend early this morning just for a quick chat? The mental pick me up would do you good.

Francoitalialan · 19/10/2015 08:30

Do you have Pinterest? Open it and search for "Fear".

Be strong!