feel like im loosing my mind with this...

[lostgirl83]

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

Lost, x post. Messaging him gives him the power because it shows yippee thinking about him. It also gives you that adrenaline rush that makes him so addicting.

Shows you, not yippee, stupid tablet autocorrect!

No, by telling him you're giving him the power again. He'll reply, then you will, then you'll be back to being all upset.

I don't know how hard it is for you to just ignore the fucker for at least one day. He doesn't deserve your time.

What are you doing this weekend Lostgirl? Have you got any plans?
If not, make some.
The best way to get through each day is getting busy and building a life for yourself that you're happy with.

I havent got any plans for this weekend all my friends are busy so generally i just stay in as i cant drive
Gutted that people think im not the only woman in his life ive always feared that :(

Why not have a nice day out with the kid? I don't know how old but maybe do something fun that you haven't done for a while. Go treat your self to something special, that will help you feel good about you.

I don't know for sure about other women, but does anyone over the age of 14 really spend that much time with his mates?

Small steps. Just make the decision that you're going to totally ignore him this evening. So zero contact. No texts whatsoever. Turn off your phone.

Then when you wake up just make the decision that you're going to ignore him for the whole morning. Zero contact. Nothing. Then at lunchtime decide you're ignoring him for the whole afternoon...switch off your phone, and get out the house. At tea time decide you won't have any contact for the whole evening. Get the picture?

I was only going to text him saying im not up for chatting else i know me ill still be sitting there annoyed later that he didnt call like he said he would by telling him not to surely im taking control??? I dunno my heads so messed up :(
He wont reply to my msg anyway so no fear of getting into an argument or conversation

Yes, fun day with child.
And book some driving lessons

i cant believe im being blamed for whats happened He will always make out that everything is your fault, it doesn't matter to him whose fault it actually was, if anyone's, it's just an opportunity to give out some abuse and remind you who's in control.
i have spoken to him briefly to check he was ok And then after you checked he was ok, you waited all day for further reassurance that he was still ok? And knowing you wanted that reassurance, he ignored you all day? You are putting yourself in the role of the victim, or the appeaser, like it's your job to keep him happy, and he is deliberately acting stroppy to keep you worried about his happiness all the time. Neither of you will ever be happy in this relationship.
ive never had someone be so angry ( verbally ) with me all the time for nothing, he says its me and my big gob im not sure how this is true It's not true. Abusers just like to criticise to erode your self-worth so you stay with them.
I want to end it i just dont feel strong enough The problem is, the longer you stay in the relationship, the more weak and powerless you will feel, and the less you will able to leave. All of his behaviour is aimed at this 'progression'. At this point, you're the strongest you will be.
I wish he would see that im a human being with feelings it boggles my head how anyone can be consistantly so cruel He does see, he's hurting your feelings on purpose to control and belittle you.
im a single mum Dear god, please leave! You have a responsibility to your child. This relationship is damaging you as a person and that's not fair on your child. Children also learn what normal relationships are from seeing their parents' relationships - do you want your child in a relationship like this? Leave.
Cant he see my self confidence is so low i cant take any more jibes about how replusive i am? Yes he can see that - and this is exactly how he likes it, that's why he says those things - not because they're true, but because they have the effect of lowering your self confidence. He knows if you had more confidence you wouldn't put up with his abusive behaviour.
Doesnt he worry that i might tell him to fuck off or go off with someone else Not while he's keeping your self esteem low enough to stay with him. The longer you stay, the nastier he will get because as your self esteem gets lower and lower over time, his behaviour can get worse and worse.

Doesnt he care about the destruction hes doing to my self worth? Absolutely not, he needs you to have no self worth, otherwise you wouldn't be with him.
I want to send a msg along the lines of... That way he hasnt got the power of thinking... Stop thinking what to say to him to make him think or feel a certain way - that's just games. He is an abuser, you can't make this relationship work, you need to get out.
Your self esteem might be so low you think you deserve a relationship like this - you don't. And your child certainly doesn't. Please, please leave and block him and never let him back.

Be assured if you're not e only woman in his life he's not treating them any better xxx

Thank you all for being so kind and trying to help i really dont know what id do atm without being able to come on here and talk things through

Sending him a text telling him you're not up for chatting tonight is a contradiction in terms. You're contacting him to tell him you won't be contacting him.

This is not you 'taking more control'. It's you kidding yourself whilst still feeding that need to contact him and 'keep the peace.'

You really taking control would be to switch off your phone and not switch it back on until Bonfire Night.

Ok thank you....i wont turn off my phone as i like to chat on here or incase my friend phones but IF he calls i wont answer :)

Every time you initiate contact with him, you're feeding him.

Stop.

By the way, I've been in a not dissimilar place. And I'd kid myself too. My friends would say "I bet he's knocking off someone else! Franco look at the evidence!" And then he'd throw me a crumb and say "of course there's no one else" but still ultimately be a twat, and I was so beaten down that I'd say to myself "but at least he isn't cheating on you."

I want to get hold of old me and say "so fucking what???"

Lostgirl, you're not lost. You're just temporarily on the wrong path.

Please don't text him.

My marriage limped on for years, powered by my hope (and money) and the fact I had 2 DC with Ex. Eventually they grew up and I found MN. I was nearly 60 when I divorced. You do not want to live decades of this, trust me. Btw I think for years I thought that the fact he could hurt me emotionally must mean I loved him!

Yep my ex was seeing other women throwing a crumb her and there now nearly 20 years on we still speak and he sees me as some relationship helper and I think what a twat you haven't changed lol glad it ain't me any more lol x

Lostgirl plan something for tomorrow.
How old is your child?
You must have public transport you can use? A bus? A train? A coach?
Is there anywhere you'd really like to go locally or even do a day trip?

I don't know what area you're in but have a look on meetup.com for groups. Some areas have single parent groups where you get together with other single parents.

www.meetup.com

stop looking for excuses to text him and delete his number. You aren't going to message him a secret code which will change him and unlock wonderful boyfriend overnight. He is NEVER going to change. And nor are you, unless you get away from him now.

So start thinking about yourself and what you and your DC are doing this weekend. Sod him, why are you wanting to provoke him, so he can get in touch after his weekend of drinking and shagging around and treat you like crap again?

He didnt call like he promised what a suprise!
Maybe one day i wont feel as worthless as i do now :(

Yes, one day when you've got rid of him you will feel fab again, and be able to breathe and smile and live a normal happy life. It's just one ditching of a complete losery knob-head away, I promise. x

Thank you
Feel at rock bottom tonight x

Wish i had someone in RL to talk to too like on the phone i mean just a voice someone to speak to im so alone its unbearable