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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel like im loosing my mind with this...

315 replies

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 00:43

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 13:45

@ pocketsaviour you are right he cant buy the house on his own he needs me for it and uses the house as the excuse for all his crap behaviour ie
If we lived together i wouldnt be worried when he ignored my calls as we would live together
Id get to see him more if i bought the house so dont moan about not seeing him etc etc
And the constant prove to him how much he means to me and he doesnt think i love him at all
Its such a mind fuck

OP posts:
WorkingClassHeroine · 14/10/2015 13:56

'If' you move in together he'll have you right where he wants you.

I really wouldn't go any further - I'd give him the old 'it's not you its me/I'm not in a good place' bollocks. Or you could say 'you're a weirdo who blows hot and cold and I'd rather be single'.

HellKitty · 14/10/2015 14:00

Your life will be hell if you move in together. Please ditch him now.

LovelyFriend · 14/10/2015 14:16

it is as easy as just dump him.

Just. Dump. Him.

And then before you get into another relationship do some personal work on yourself so you don't get involved with such a wretched fuck up of a person again.

Sorry if I sound harsh - but you are seriously deluded if you think what you have with this guy is 'love' or anything other than some stupid careless ignorant fucker messing around with you for fun, or possibly to exploit you financially.

he's not that into you, and by the sounds of it you are not the only one he is not that into.

mysteryknickers · 14/10/2015 14:22

If you move in with him, your life will not magically be better. it will be worse. he will behave badly and you will be financially entrapped. When he says he will spend 4 days with his mates he is telling you something important here. He is not going to change.

Break it off. You will feel so much better about things quickly.

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 15:30

He says he was joking about the 4 days with his mates thing and gets amnoyed that i cant take a joke but why say that as it just makes me feel insecure
He makes these kind of comments ALL the time and then accuses me of having no sense of humour if i get upset about them

OP posts:
HellKitty · 14/10/2015 15:35

'I obviously don't share your type of humour so I think it's best if we go our separate ways'.

Send then block.

DoreenLethal · 14/10/2015 16:30

Just to add this house he wants me to buy is not in my home town and would mean me uprooting and changing many things about my life

Yeah, that's about him alienating you from your support network. It is a 'thing'. I'll bet that never featured in your dreams of a happy future with him, eh?

LovelyFriend · 14/10/2015 16:40

why are you putting so much weight on what "he says"?
Especially as it is very clear that he says and does what he wants regardless of how it upsets or otherwise negatively affects you.

he says, he says, he says - who cares!?

What do you say? How do you want your life to be? Do you imagine your future with someone who takes the piss out of you constantly, doesn't want to spend time with you, belittles, abuses and undermines you and does your head in?

Do you trust your friends judgement?

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 16:42

I dont want to move ( its only 10 miles or so ) but thats not the point ... i give up :(
Hes coming over tonight the 1st time ive seen him in a week and has just rang to say hes going the gym 1st so probably wont be till about 9
Yay a whole couple of hrs of his time before bed arent i lucky!

OP posts:
Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 16:45

I dont want to just end it id pinned so many hopes on us and hoped we could have a happy future
I just want him to treat me like an equal and to be allowed to have feelings and opinions of my own
He hates it if i disagree with him about anything and massively overreacts and im only ever allowed to be happy if i sound down on the phone or say ive had a bad day he says hes not listening to this as im a misery and i bring him down!
God this all seems worse when i write it down....its only the tip of the iceberg though

OP posts:
Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 16:47

@lovelyfriend...i didnt realise i say he says etc so much until you pointed it out i realise how stupid it looks i guess its just because most of his comments make me feel like ive been kicked yet he tells me constantly that he loves me and apparently that should be all the proof i need

OP posts:
mysteryknickers · 14/10/2015 16:52

"I just want him to treat me like an equal and to be allowed to have feelings and opinions of my own"

What you have told us makes it clear this is not going to happen. he doesn't want you to be an equal and he really doesn't want you to have your own opinions.

I know we all sound negative but we have seen this all before.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

You know something is wrong with this relationship or you would not be posting. And you say this is the tip of the iceberg... Look after yourself OP.

LovelyFriend · 14/10/2015 16:55

stop listening to what he tells you - talk is cheap and easy.

look at what he does, look at his actual actions.

as the oft quoted adage goes "when someone shows you who they are believe them".

he is a guy who rubbishes your feelings.
he is the guy who sees you once a week, late in the evening, after he has been to the gym.
he is the guy that doesn't want to listen to you.
he is the guys that doesn't want to hear anything from you that he doesn't like to hear.
he is the guy who takes the piss out of you constantly.
he is the guy who wants access to your earnings so he can buy a property

you seriously need to think about why YOU think this is LOVE. it's not.

your hopes and dreams for a happy future aren't based on reality with this person.

If you want to be treated like an unimportant voiceless cash cow for the rest of your days by all means proceed.

and read this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 16:58

@mysteryknickers im 30

OP posts:
mysteryknickers · 14/10/2015 17:01

Okay, 30 is great! You have loads of opportunities to live a little and meet someone else who will respect you and cherish you. This guy is a drain not a radiator.

VivaHate · 14/10/2015 17:05

He tells you he loves you.

He does not demonstrate that he loves you. He does not allow you to have opinions of your own. He does not treat you like an equal. This will never change. It will only get worse.

This relationship is purely about him controlling you. Love does not enter the equation. There is nothing you can do to change him.

You say you don't want it to end as you've pinned so many hopes on "us" and "hoped we can have a happy future". A happy future does not exist with this man.

You may not feel strong enough to end the relationship now and that's OK-it is your choice after all!- but please look at completing the Freedom Programme. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ You can do it online for a small cost or find somewhere near you that delivers it.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 14/10/2015 17:10

I dont want to just end it id pinned so many hopes on us and hoped we could have a happy future

Really? Just read back all your posts and look at what you've said about him. Do you really think there is a chance of a happy future with someone who treats you like this?

What you want is a happy future with someone as as he's the one that's there at the moment you are trying to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse instead of just putting your energies into finding someone who appreciates you.

Even tonight, you haven't seen him for a week and he needs to go to the gym first? Hmm He's just coming for a booty call and a warm bed for the night and some dinner. That's not a relationship.

JassyRadlett · 14/10/2015 17:20

Sweetheart, you're in love with a dream of what you think the future could be, not with the man you're actually with now.

He sounds awful. He's trying to pull the wool over your eyes, by telling you he loves you, but he seems unable to show you that he does.

Honestly - this should be the easy bit. The fun, dreamy, everything is easy bit.

Wonder what he'd say if you suggested renting somewhere between your two towns to test living together? His reaction would probably be quite telling...

WorkingClassHeroine · 14/10/2015 17:26

You've pinned all your hopes on a future with a guy who throws you a few crumbs of affection every now and then?? Ok then, but I think you know that this isn't how a mutually loving and respectful relationship should be.

You can pin as many hopes as you like, but a future with this man will be one full of self doubt (yours, not his), where he says hurtful things and when you react says 'what? I was only joking around - hey, where's your sense of humour' - or whatever other bullshit he comes out with.

Don't doom yourself to a shitty relationship just because you've committed to him. Just un-commit yourself.

It is that easy. Honestly, it is

Justaboy · 14/10/2015 17:38

Get shot of the wally before you buy houses together and all that goes with it. This sounds seriously wrong before you should think about doing stuff like that!.

BolshierAryaStark · 14/10/2015 17:55

Whatever you do do not buy a house with this man especially not if this means uprooting yourself from your current life.
Ditch the fuckwit, I promise life will become so much better.

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 18:00

@leavemywingsbehindme....i know hes not coming for a booty call...if only! We are only ever intimate about once a month which normally consists of either me just foing stuff to him or if hes feeling "generous" ill get horrible porn style sex where i end up feeling like a prostitute so intimate is prob the wrong word tbh i satisfy his dominating needs occasionally i guess :(

OP posts:
Original poster
lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 18:03

@jassyradlett... i have banded the idea about of him staying here more nights a week as a trial moving in but he says hes too busy
And i have suggested renting a bigger house many times ( i rent currently and he owns a small house not big enough ) but he takes the mick saying what kind of 30yr old would want to rent when they could buy and hes not sure he wants to be with someone whos happy to pay dead money every month when they have the chance now to buy

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 14/10/2015 18:18

Good lord, the sex isn't even any good... what is this all about? Confused

Seriously, honey, your hopes are pinned to the wrong mast. This is simply not the man who can deliver them.

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