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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel like im loosing my mind with this...

315 replies

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 00:43

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 30/10/2015 03:14

And how do you feel now?

popalot · 30/10/2015 10:08

I would take it as a compliment he has latched onto you and you have put up with it for so long. Men like this search out kind hearted women who are used to being told they are overesensitive/shit.

He won't change. He doesn't want to. He doesn't need to. In order to get what he wants (someone to control and do as he bids) he just needs to find someone kind to mess with. At the moment that's you. A few years ago it was someone else. Tomorrow it will be another.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It was your bad luck to run into him. That is all. If anything, it means you are a lovely person because he gets so much out of you.

There is also absolutely nothing you can do to change him.

Aspects of his controlling behaviour are:

  • keeping you waiting and guessing when you will see him. He simply does not care how you feel about this. It is his way of staying in charge because he alone knows when you will see eachother. He knows you would never do the same, so for him it is an easy game.

-keeping sexual activities for his pleasure alone. You might be told you are no good in bed/ it's your fault you can't 'let go' and enjoy it. It's bullshit. He doesn't actually care whether you enjoy it or not. He is incapable of making love. He might be able to give you pleasure but that would not cross his mind if it wasn't what he wanted. This makes him a shit lover. Not you. Him.

-financial control. This hasn't happened yet. But he is setting it up. I bet once you are tied into a mortgage with him he has no intention of paying his share. You will be paying that mortgage.

-making jokes at your expense. He totally means what he says. He has no respect for you. That has nothing to do with who you are. He can't respect you because he doesn't care about you (or anyone else) other than himself.

Once you start seeing it this way (you are wonderful, warm, caring and lovely and he wants to leech off that) you will find it easy to tell him you are 'busy'. That means you don't have to dump him. He will just move on to another victim. If he is violent, you will have to do this safely. Violence includes: pushing, pinching, swinging you around or kicking. If he is not violent remember that doesn't make his actions any less hurtful. It's the utter lack of repsect for you that hurts and makes you want to see him again - just for that glimmer of kindness that will tell you he cares. Any glimmers are lies - they are just bait to reel you in.

Once you realise this, it will no longer be a head fuck. It will be quite clear to you. And you will be free!

HazelBite · 30/10/2015 10:56

OP, I don't often respond to posts on here but felt I had to with yours, as my first husband sounds a carbon copy of this bloke.

I suffered, I tried so hard to make it work, I was made to feel unattractive, worthless, and sexually unappealing to him. Any achievements of mine were belittled, I would talk to him but would be ignored if he couldn't be bothered to talk to me.

I spent so much time in tears. However I woke up one morning, my pillow was wet, but I had a moment of clarity that despite being married to me he didn't even LIKE me.

There was no point any more putting myself through all this emotional torture, so in short I got rid.

I won't lie it wasn't easy, but within a few weeks it was like an enormous burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and whilst I was on my own I was comfortable in my own skin.

The first time another man paid me some attention I realised like a bolt from the blue that I wasn't the gruesome female that I had started to believe I was.

Don't, for your own sanity, cling to this distructive relationship, get out when you feel strong enough, or ready enough.

You can make a happy and contented life for yourself and your child, it is possible, just because at some stage in your relationship you had fun, felt loved, by this individual means nothing as it was only temporary, and he does not care for you at all.

Just think of his behaviour, he does not like you, he does not care for you, he is not good for you.

I am just hoping and praying that you have your lightbulb moment Flowers

MrsKCastle · 30/10/2015 11:59

Hi Lostgirl, I have only just read the thread but I want to echo everyone else's advice. You know that he is no good for you and it sounds like you have come a long way in starting to accept this.

Please don't feel weak and embarrassed about seeing him. We understand that it isn't easy to just walk away from a long-term relationship, especially when you've been manipulated into always putting him first.

Do refect on seeing him though- you were hoping he would prove that he missed you, that he loved you- did that happen? Did he show you (through actions, not words) that he cares? Ask about your neck, offer to cook for you, ask if he could do anything to help? Or did he badger you about the house and make more of those horrible 'jokes'?

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 30/10/2015 14:58

Thank you for your replies.....erm he was ok i guess...but just ok
I dont know if im setting him up to fail as even when he says i love you i just answer no i dont so i guess it could be seen as why bother as i dont take his ( very occasional ) compliments well
He was very late tho turning up and lied he wasnt with his mate when im sure he was...
Im sure he had a great night fed well and lay there with his hands behind his head while i satisfied him and he did nothing in return .... stupid i know! And yes i was looking for that little glimmer of hope
Ive spoken to him since, one conversation hes all lovey dovey the next hes really offish i cant keep up!
Oh and hes tasked me with finding a mortgage advisor because apparently we need to get moving with it asap as we are stagnating

OP posts:
Elizabethreallyismissing · 30/10/2015 15:36

lostgirl83 Please don't move in with this man! If you think it's bad now, it will be 10X worse! Don't do it! If you must continue to see him, then let it stagnate!

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 30/10/2015 16:21

I just shouted at him down the phone and slammed the phone down .... ive never done that before ( he does it lots ) but ive always been too scared he will punish me by ignoring my calls etc but i just wont bother phoning him i guess
In tears and i dunno why :(

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 30/10/2015 16:49

You're in tears cos you're on the merry-go-round from Hell and eveytime you jump off you jump back on again.

Elizabethreallyismissing · 30/10/2015 16:57

I'm sorry you're upset!
What happened to make you put the phone down? Can you start to see that although you thought you missed him, it's just the idea of him that you miss not the reality?
You've fed him, given him the sex he wants, he's given you a task to do & now you're crying!

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 30/10/2015 17:03

He was going n on when i spoke to him about how im a sayer not a do-er i havent passed my driving test yet ( but i am having lessons ) and i havent rang a mortgage advisor even tho ive been off all day looking after kids! I just lost it and shouted at him its all on me isnt it ive gotta do so much and all i want u to do is be nice but u cant even manage that :( ive sent him a shitty msg too which he hasnt read yet

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 30/10/2015 17:07

For the life if me I can't understand why you keep waiting for a prick to be nice. They are, by definition, not nice.

But I'm not at all sure you want out of this relationship, tbh.

Elizabethreallyismissing · 30/10/2015 17:26

lostgirl83 you're flogging a dead horse really you are!
You can send him as many shitty messages as you want, he just doesn't care!
You can cry, stamp your feet, call him selfish whatever but he just doesn't care!
You'll ignore him for a couple of days, then you'll apologise, then he'll come round, you feed him, have crap sex, get upset, Repeat!
If you don't find the strength for somewhere to end this relationship then that will be your life forever!

DoreenLethal · 30/10/2015 18:09

Why would you even pick up the phone to a mortgage adviser? Come on - this man is bad news.

MrsKCastle · 30/10/2015 18:52

As I thought. You hoped to find out that he loves you and missed you.

Instead, he:
Turned up late
Lied
Got you to cook
Let you 'satisfy' him without reciprocating (what about your bad neck/back? He's obviously not concerned)
And finally, nagged you to get a mortgage advisor.

You don't love this man. If anything you're 'in love' with the nice man that you imagined he was inside. But that is just a figment of your imagination-this man is cunt through and through.

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 30/10/2015 21:35

Thank you.... i was so desperate to feel like he cared like all this hurt wasnt for nothing i guess thats why i had him over.
Im always thinking if i act even nicer to him do even more to please him maybe that will be enough for him to show love back....
But it isnt is it :(

OP posts:
Elizabethreallyismissing · 30/10/2015 22:31

No I'm afraid not! The more you put up with, the more he will treat you badly!
He knows there are no consequences for his actions! He can trample all over you, showing no respect what so ever & you will still take him back!
Please please stop this, every time it happens he chips away at your self esteem & you're more confused & hurt than you were before!
Have you got anyone at all you can can confide in, in real life? Have you been in touch with women's aid? I think you need some real life support!

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 30/10/2015 22:34

Hi elizabeth yes youre right i have pretty much no self esteem left and dont really know if im coming or going as he minimises how badly he treats me so much/ says im a whinger that i question whether i am being unreasonable or not
I do have a couple of close friends in rl but tbh they are sick of hearing about it and think hes an idiot, both are in really good relationships and cant comprehend why i even talk to him let alone be with him

OP posts:
StopTittingAbout · 30/10/2015 22:39

Im always thinking if i act even nicer to him do even more to please him maybe that will be enough for him to show love back.... That's why people stay in abusive relationships. They just hope the git will start getting better, if only they do or say the right thing in the right way, but he won't, they only get worse.

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 30/10/2015 23:53

Do you think this is an abusive relationship? Sorry if that seems a stupid question he just plays down everything so much and makes me feel like i expect far too much off him or am just a nag that i dont even know anymore

OP posts:
Sophia1984 · 31/10/2015 00:17

I think the fact that you are on here asking (and no, it's not a stupid question) means you know that it is. You don't deserve to be treated like this x

Original poster
lostgirl83 · 31/10/2015 00:22

Im so lost and head fucked that i dont know anymore....maybe i am just a whinge like he says

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 31/10/2015 04:34

Your RL friends are probably concerned for you, as are we. They're probably as frustrated that you're still taking this crap as you are with them for seemingly not understanding why you're taking this crap.

What more do you need, OP? RL friends have made plain what they think of him. People on the internet concur. I can only begin to imagine what your DC think of him, and you for staying with him.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 04:50

Do you think this is an abusive relationship?

What do you think it is? Why does it matter what label we tell you to give it? You aren't prepared to to change it anyway….Confused

It's not a happy relationship. It's not an equal relationship. It's not a healthy relationship. It's not a normal relationship. You have well worn furrow that you keep ploughing over and over. He tells you he loves you, you say 'no you don't' he says you are needy and whiney (you are) you say he's cold and selfish (he is.)

I'm not surprised your friends are getting sick of hearing about it to be honest. They must feel like they are banging their heads against a brick wall and all their counselling counts for nothing because all you do is vent and moan and then totally disregard everything they've said, and you are doing it here too.

Annarose2014 · 31/10/2015 10:37

lostgirl people have been telling you for 12 pages that its the shittiest relationship on earth and you couldn't pay us to spend an evening with him.

But you seem to wish to keep going on feeding him and sucking him off, in abject misery. So best of luck with that.

BalthazarImpresario · 31/10/2015 11:17

You sound like one of my best friends. I've watched her break over the past two years under the guise of loving someone, it's not love, it may have been but the disrespectful behaviour and the fact that she is always miserable is not love.

Every time he is awful to you he is choosing to be that way, he can control himself, he knows how to not be horrible but he chooses not to. How do you feel about that? As for kicking off whenever you voice an alternative opinion, that is controlling at best.

Get out, no love should have you feeling like this and no man is worth existing rather than living.