feel like im loosing my mind with this...

[lostgirl83]

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

'This mornings drama has made it so much more difficult to end it right now' - Why? Because he's going through a crisis? You think it would be a low thing for you to do to the poor little thing??

You can say to him that the fact he is blaming you for something you had nothing to do with is a good illustration of why the relationship is harmful for you. That's the final nail for your coffin. Don't accept blame for his problems.

This mornings drama is linked to the house he is hassling me to buy and if i had made an effort to get the mortgage then it wouldnt have happened apparently!
It is something really bad thats happened and i feel awful for him but it surely cant be my fault???

Ok right then, your fault for not getting the mortgage

I'm sorry if you feel harassed and overwhelmed. It can't be easy to read a load of messages from random internet strangers all saying 'just dump him' but it's only going to get worse.

I hope you can find the strength to protect yourself soon - to reiterate: it will only get worse, never better

I'm going to stop bugging you now. I hope you can have a good day, if you have something else going on that makes you feel happy/content/not like you're going mad, then concentrate on that instead.

Look after yourself and have some

Remember, this isn't your drama, this is his. He's blaming you because it's another way to put pressure on you to get a house with him.

The plan is so that next time he asks you to get a mortgage, you jump at it to avoid being "punished". He's using whatever the issue is as another rod to hit you with.

Think about it. Step back. Breath. Look at why. The only possibly reason is to push you into doing what he wants you to do.

Distance yourself. Think about bland responses to texts "ok" is always a good one. Just reply "ok". Don't answer your phone if you can avoid it. Just respond "ok" to everything. Don't argue. Don't engage.

This isn't about getting him to listen. He won't hear what you say. This is about protecting you.

Ok? :)

This fella is a proper twat.

It is something really bad thats happened and i feel awful for him but it surely cant be my fault

If you do get yourself a mortgage then everything that EVER happens will be your fault. Unless it is a good thing in which case it will be all his doing.

Convenient that suddenly something that 'makes it hard to dump him' suddenly comes up just when you are going to dump him. What are the chances?

What DID happen? Suppose you out yourself - everyone else will think he's a cunt too.

Quell surprise, the very moment you start to even think about standing your ground... as if by magic he has a complicated drama which makes it hard for you to dump him.

Literally within a few hours...funny that

Do.not move on with this man.
A relationship should make calm, constant , secure ..If you are unhappy in a relationship it is because it is not a happy relationship. .....time to extract yourself from this .....Some time with no contact and you will soon see it through different eyes 6 months at least

He's playing you

FuckYouChris for your wise and compassionate posts.

lost I know you don't want to out yourself with details but I really don't see how there is any possible way for something that has happened to his family to be your fault.

For him, you're always at fault for everything wrong, and you'll never be responsible for anything that goes right.

Blameshifting is another common and shitty abuser tactic designed to keep you constantly on edge and fearful of going against his will.

I dont think he will be sat worrying that breaking up has ever entered my head hes far too concieted for that

It is something really bad thats happened and i feel awful for him but it surely cant be my fault?

If you so much "at fault", don't tell him you are dumping him, tell him you are withdrawing from his life to save him further problems.

The mind boggles at how your not getting a mortgage could have had such disastrous consequences. But I can live with the mystery though I don't believe you could have any responsability for what has just happened.

You know this relationship isn't right otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. You know this new 'drama' with his family isn't your fault.

Trust your instincts. Be good to yourself. If you choose this man you are choosing a lifetime of being controlled and treated badly.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel happy and cherished. It's not asking too much, and it's not expecting too much. If you are thinking about having a family at some point, don't make your kids grow up with this manipulative dick as a father.

Remove yourself from this relationship. You don't owe him anything. It's really as easy as making a decision and sticking to it.

Actually I would take this drama with a pinch of salt. He just happened to get a police phone call after leaving your place, and what bad thing could possibly happen with a house he hasn't bought yet? Someone else buying it or putting an offer in? There seems to be no sense there at all.

Lostgirl, if it doesn't enter his head then you have an advantage. You can use this time to let yourself see what is really there.

Every time he does something and you can't understand why, post it here. The mortgage thing? Hurting you for not doing what he said, when he said it.

The motive is not for your benefit.

There's always a reason. It's just not the one you're trying to find

Quell surprise, the very moment you start to even think about standing your ground... as if by magic he has a complicated drama which makes it hard for you to dump him

Literally within a few hours...funny that hmm

This, with nobs on.

We are all rooting for you op. So many of us have been where you have, that slow awakening realisation that it is NOT ok.
These idiots follow a script. it will probably freak you out how accurately the wise vipers will predict his next move. :)

And very un mumsnetty

Omg if I didn't know better I'd have thought this was my ex. Only he pissed his money down the drain (and sniffed it up his nose in secret) so he couldn't possibly have a house/mortgage.

He asked me to be his guarantor when he wanted to buy a Mini, I refused (although the emotional blackmail was shocking) and his dad did it. It was layer repossessed when he spent all of his wages on coke and protein shakes.

I split up with him after he cheated on me (my fault obs) because I bought a house and he lived in it rent free, and I made him feel like less of a man because of it?!? I was so stupid.

With the benefit of hindsight I shouldn't have wasted so much time on him, but the only good thing to come out of it was I knew what I wasn't looking for in a man, and I found his exact opposite!

It will be hard to go cold turkey OP, it's like an addiction. You don't see him a lot but the stress and trauma he brings keeps you busy 24/7. In a couple of weeks you'll wonder what you saw in him. Don't even give him the courtesy of a phone call. Text him and block him.

Good luck

Thank you all for your replies....i have spoken to him briefly to check he was ok after this mornings drama and he says he will call later whether that will happen or not who knows i just hope he has had time to realise it isnt my fault
It really does help writing it all down as theres so much i dont understand and it all gets jumbled up in my confused/hurt head that i guess i end up minimising it all or womdering whether it really did happen the way i thought it did
This website is a godsend

"i just hope he has had time to realise it isnt my fault"

Sweetie, he knows it isn't your fault. He does, I promise you. He's deliberately making you think it is your fault so that you feel guilty. And, in feeling guilty, making you easier to manipulate. This latest drama is just his latest attempt at controlling you and keeping you under his thumb.

To all of us reading your posts it is so obvious what he is doing with you. He is playing you like his own personal puppet. If he pulls this string you will do this...if he pulls that string you will do that.

He will use this latest drama as an excuse to increase his shitty demands and justify his shitty behaviour. If you don't immediately acquiesce with his increased shitty behaviour he will accuse you of not supporting him and not caring about him.

You say you love him. But actually you're just addicted to the adrenaline rush that being in contact with him brings you. The dizzying, stressed anxiety of when he's being difficult followed by the heady rush of relief and pleasure when he stops being difficult, and throws you a token smile or hug.

Adrenaline is highly addicted. It's how people get addicted to dangerous, extreme sports.

You have to recognise that what you have is a dangerous and unhealthy addiction, that you need to wean yourself off.

i just hope he has had time to realise it isnt my fault

Based on what, exactly? How kind and "benefit of the doubt" he's been with you so far?

You don't see him a lot but the stress and trauma he brings keeps you busy 24/7.

JB has it on the button.

Please please just don't call him again. Get busy doing things and put him out of your brain for at least a few days (by my reckoning, that's about half-a-sulk for him). DO NOT CONTACT HIM. By the time he does bother to contact you, I guarantee your head will be a bit clearer.

I suspect there's a bit of a co dependence thing going on so if the OP gives him the brush off, he'll be so outraged that he'll be charm itself. It's hard, but Lostgirl every second you spend thinking about him is wasted. You will see it one day.

Thank you .... i still havent heard off him i know i shouldnt care but really want to know hes ok after this mornings drama....im not heartless like he seems to be

He does this to me all the time....has me in a state of panic worrying about him if hes ok etc
Its not hard to send a msg just saying hes not in the mood for talking tonight but hes ok especially as hes constantly online so i know hes still awake
Cant see me sleeping much tonight i hate feeling so anxious

Completely agree with everything Skandi just said. You don't love him, you don't even like him. Low self esteem has meant that you've become incapable of recognising that this isn't how real love should feel.