feel like im loosing my mind with this...

[lostgirl83]

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

Thank you .... i still havent heard off him i know i shouldnt care but really want to know hes ok after this mornings drama

Yes of course you do - that is the point of the drama. Treat em mean, keep em keen.

Ok, so we know it's easy to send a quick text saying "I'm ok, don't worry, sleep well.". What does he get out of not doing it? The obvious answer is he gets to know that you will be anxious and worried about him. That's his prize. You are entirely focused on him because he hasn't let you know he's ok.

That is the reason he does this.

Op instead of waiting around for this guy, why don't you start going out and doing things you like to do? I'm sure your friends could help?

This guy will destroy you, he doesn't love you, he wants to suck you dry of money, friends and happiness. He will use you for cooking, sex, mortgages and give nothing back.

You don't need his permission. Just stop taking his calls. Today. Block him.

Block him.

You can tell he's online through some sort of app, right? Dollars to donuts he can see you're online or not*. BLOCK THAT.

• indeed, that's part of your self-inflicted drama, isn't it?

Facebook. Update your relationship status and BLOCK HIM. Got any of his friends on FB? BLOCK THEM. Got any of your own friends who aren't supportive of you leaving him? BLOCK THEM. Change your privacy settings so only friends can see what you do.

Any other apps? BLOCK HIM.

Rinse and repeat.

Lostgirl. Read this thread from start to finish. Then do it again.

If this was your friend what would you tell her? If you have children, a daughter, with this wanker then what would you tell her if she was being treated this way?

I was in a EA relationship too. I waited until my total rock bottom before I got out. Don't waste any more years or time on him. Don't be posting here when you're 40/50 asking us how to leave as you will if you stay.

He couldn't give a toss about you. He dangles the odd nice bit just to make you stay. I'm fucking furious on your behalf.

Lostgirl, sorry to say this, but you're hooked. You're a fish struggling on the end of his line. But, unlike fish, we have big brains and hands with opposable thumbs, and Mumsnet. So use those thumbs, to text him that you are not happy with the way your relationship has been going lately, that you feel blamed and pressured. And you need some space - so please leave me be for 2 weeks. Sorry you're feeling bad but it's not my fault & I really hate it when you blame me for stuff that's not my fault. FuckYouChris is bang on target: she's totally right, you're not trying to change this man, HE DOESN'T EXIST. 'Nice him' is a ghost, he flickers into existence briefly when he needs to keep you hooked, just like anglers pay out their line before reeling in again. You know what the No.1 characteristic of psychopaths is? Charm. And you're getting precious little even of that right now, though he'll doubtless turn it up full if he thinks it's the best way to keep you on his line & get what he wants - A HOUSE.
Use those thumbsthumbs. Don't think 'how will I cope without him?', think 'how did I ever put up WITH him?'. You're clearly a kind & loving person, those are the qualities he's taking advantage of. They should be directed towards someone equally kind & loving. So put on 50 ways to leave your lover on Spotify & send that text. As the song says, you don't need to discuss much. Just get yourself free.

The man you want him to be doesn't exist. He's exactly how he's showing himself to you.
He's never going to change and while you're with him, you'll never be able to be happy or be how you want to be or live the life you want to live.
Take control of your future happiness now. You're only 30. You're still young. Please don't waste any more precious time.

Thank you all .... your so right i am that fish dangling on the end of the line, the kicked puppy that keeps coming back for more in the hope one day it will get some kindness back ( if its of any interest he does have a dog that in my opinion hes mean to i often say to him im the human version of his dog )
I did speak to him last night he didnt call but i could see he was online so i called n eventually he answered....stupid i know!
He was ok with me last night but this morning has screamed at me down the phone n i dunno why
Hes away with his mates all weekend i just wanted to keep us on an even keel while he was away so i didnt have to worry all weekend n could think about what i wanted
I have obviously been in relationships before but ive never had someone be so angry ( verbally ) with me all the time for nothing, he says its me and my big gob im not sure how this is true as i darent say hardly anything incase i annoy him and none of my friends shout at me
Thank you for listening... i feel tortured inside today but talking on here helps so much as it makes me see im not mad or oversensitive like he says the way he treats me IS awful

OP

Listen..

You need to get rid of this "man". He is abusive. He doesn't deserve you.

He makes you feel anxious, on eggshells, worried and hurt.

Why do you think you deserve this? Are you not entitled to have a fun life? Life is not a dress rehearsal. Life is short.

Make yourself happy.

Leave

Can you see yourself actually ending this relationship op?

Fuck the even keel. Seriously. Fuck it right up the are sideways.

I want to end it i just dont feel strong enough :( and the even keel thing was just so i didnt have to sit and worry all weekend while hes away with his mates
Im sorry if im annoying anyone

What are you scared of?

I was you I was 32 involved with a guy who was a class act player número uno that head fuck of not calling me that feeling of being special when he did call and agree to see me now 16 years on I can see what happening to you happened to me. What I did was go to CODA and get into some serious therapy for MY serious self worth problem. You really need to do this to start to value yourself and others will too. Do you have family or friends ? Sounds like you're really isolated. DO NOT buy a house, have a child, move in with this character he is a top player and he's playing you

I think you could do with talking to someone professional about this. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he? For now if you can just hold firm about not buying the house, then no lasting damage will be done. In the meantime I think you should go to your GP - take a friend who knows the relationship with you if you need to. Ask for counselling.

The Freedom Project is always spoken about on here - does anyone know whether this will help the OP?

You're not annoying, but not one single MNer has advised you to carry on in this relationship. You've said you want to end it but don't feel strong enough. That's a shame.

How long will you wait to feel strong enough? When you are locked into a mortgage with him? When you have children together? When you notice your children repeating his abusive behaviour, because they are taking his example?

I'm no psychic, but I can see what your future will be if you don't stand up for yourself now. And fuck me but it's bleak.

I'm sorry, but there it is.

Yes I second therapy. Could you get some counselling for yourself to build up your self-esteem?

Something is keeping you trapped in this cycle with him. You know it's not healthy. You know he's not nice. You know what he says about you isn't true.

So let's have a look at what you're getting out of it. Do you feel that this is all you deserve? It's not. You sound really nice and caring, you deserve to be cared about in that same way.

I'm sure I've told this on here before, but after divorcing xh, in the early days of dating my now dh, he offered to make me a sandwich and meet me at work to have lunch together (yes! This is a very boring and stupid story!)

So he turned up with the sandwich he'd made, and I looked at it and said, "that's my favourite", and he said, "that's why I made it".

I burst into tears

More than a decade with xh and he never remembered my favourite anything. This man was not only listening to me, he wanted to give me what I wanted (not what he decided I wanted, but what I actually like).

I bet you know his favourite things. Does he know yours?

Because a relationship is about being with someone who you are compatible with. Someone who makes you feel good. Someone who you can be you with.

You deserve better. You deserve somebody who respects your decisions.

Right now you feel confused and lost. He has done this to you on purpose. It's not an accident. He's got you jumping every time he snaps his fingers and panicking about his reaction when he's not even there or actively doing anything.

What do you want?

Are you happy in your life? Work? Friends? Hobbies? How can we help you feel better? Because you need to get to a place where you're not being drained by this man. Where you're free to be you.

Counselling can really help with this. It's great to have somewhere to deal with your self-esteem.

I don't know if anyone's mentioned the "freedom programme"? Google any groups near you. They specialise in helping you see the negative patterns in relationships. But also look for personal counselling just for you.

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.

Hi all....just to start i will not be buying the house so no worries there at least not living with him i can escape the nastiness for a bit and come on here i wouldnt be able to do that if we lived together
Yes i am very isolated and dont really see anyone apart from at work or him
I do have a couple of good mates but im a single mum and have no family around to babysit so unless they come to me i dont really see anyone at all
Hence why i guess i cling to his company as bad company is better than none as sometimes he will throw a bit of kindness in although it never lasts
I know now why i was screamed at earlier as he told me he was going to a designer outlet to get some clothes for his lads weekend and i said that i didnt think the shop was 50% off so not to be dissapointed when he got there
I have tried to tell him i was only expressing an opinion but apparently im a fucking misery and i bring him down how negative i am
This is all so mad because i conciously try to be super upbeat on the phone whenever he rings regardless of how im feeling just in the hope he wont be able to pick fault but he always does :(
Do people on here really think im being abused like the above post says?
Tbh it feels like torture..... cant stop crying today EVERYONE i have ever loved has screwed me over, cheated on me, hit me, used me for money
I dont mean to wallow i just cant get my head around whats so wrong with me that i mean nothing to anyone
Todays a really bad day im sorry

I knew you were a lone parent you sound so alone. Your bf sounds like how can I say it a chancer a player quite young does he work ? I might be wrong but is he on the right side of the law ? Apologies if I'm wrong. You are being abused so badly and to see this clown one day a week is a joke but thank your lucky stars it is just one day you have a child to think of they have to come first. Please read codependent no more - melodie Beattie she started my journey

Hi parsley....my boyf is a bit older than me and suprisingly holds down a good job, he has a child too. Hes not the wrong side of the law but think hes clinging on to his laddish life of his 20s n doesnt realise its a bit pathetic when your in your mid 30s

Lost

Yes you are being abused :( I'd really like to be able to say otherwise, but he sounds like a classic abuser in every sense of the word. The only reason he's not financially abusing you too, is because you won't let him. And he's punishing you now for not letting him.

Being a single parent can be really isolating. But you need to put you and your dcs first. You need to break the cycle. Unfortunately there is a certain type of man who targets single parents. They look for someone who has had a rough time, because their expectations are so low.

Being alone is better than the confusion. It really is. And while you're with him, there's no way you can meet someone better. But I really think you need a bit of time alone. Time to get some counselling, become secure in who you are.

You sound so lovely and so sad.

Everyone on here is reaching out to you. We all want you to be happy. You can be happy, you know? It's not you who is blocking that.

Apologies lost. I hope you find a way through this rubbish you can be happy and make a life without this chancer. Your life is with your beautiful child(ren) and without this dickhead and really living with this and your kids in a town you don't know ! No way just no way ! How old is your little one(s) x

Chris thank you .... the kindness of people on here makes me cry i dont have that kind of kindness of anyone in RL
I wish he would see that im a human being with feelings it boggles my head how anyone can be consistantly so cruel
Im sorry to keep writing down the nasty things he says/does but it does help to get them out of my head n hopefully keep reading them back to put me off him
He has recently started going to the gym ( i cant as have no babysitter ) so have started doing an exercise dvd a couple of times a day in the house
I thought naively he might be pleased i was trying to get healthy too, ive never thought i need to loose weight as such as im 5'11 and a size 12 but it cant do any harm
His consistent comment to me doing my dvd is gave i warned the neighbours the house will be shaking if im jumping around
Plus my friend has just had plastic surgery and he keeps saying ask her if she can give me the surgeons number....obviously its always "just a joke" and i havent got a sense of humour when i pull him up about it but why does the joke always have to be on me????
Cant he see my self confidence is so low i cant take any more jibes about how replusive i am?
Doesnt he worry that i might tell him to fuck off or go off with someone else that does make me feel good?
Doesnt he care about the destruction hes doing to my self worth?
Sorry for the rant x

You can do the freedom programme online too. Please do it. You can escape from this monster, and you can have a happy future free of abuse. If not for yourself do it for your DC.

And his jokes, they are not just jokes. They are designed to belittle and humiliate you, which is exactly what he is doing.

And yes he wants to destroy you, then he can feel even better about himself. Because he is damaged, and the only way to boost his own self esteem is to destryo yours. Which is why you need to escape now.