Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

I hope you are doing ok binders.

Oh for fucks sake

Nana - back off, you're not helping. Please, just go away, there are more important things for Binders ATM than this snidey "I'm right/no you're not". Do you really think this off shoot is worth the emotional energy? On anyone's part?

Binders, how are you doing sweetheart? What sort of a day have you had love? And have you had a response from fl? I'm thinking of you xx

I've said my piece to NanaNina - I don't think she (or anyone else) needs to hear it again. Suffice to say I'm still not impressed

binders - you're doing brilliantly. I wonder if making a gantt chart would help you? I know - it sounds crap but hear me out.

You basically list all the things you need to do in the LH column and then put timescales across the top rows - weeks for each would probably work.

So you might have:
Sort out life insurance - w/c 19/10
Tell people:

• OW DH - w/c 19/10
• friends - w/c 25/10

etc etc

You could just make a list of course and tick things off but I like gantts because you can see the whole thing as a big project. And you can see how much you've achieved. I could make you a template and you can fill in the things you need to do if you like :)

Lynda that is a totally off the wall idea. I may steal it. It s like a really shitty project that you've been lumbered with, but have to see through to the end. So find out your crtical path, and just keep ticking things off the list till you get to the end. Genius!

These are the statements made by NN that show her true colours I think:

the 11th commandment "thou shalt not get caught"

are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong

A woman who has discovered that her partner has been having sex with someone behind her back, arranging meals with the OW and her DH a couple of times a year and lying about his relationship with the OW. Nothing more, nothing less. Happens every day I imagine.

This is called minimising. This is what cheaters do. They also lie and blame. They cry and threaten. They are weak bullies who do not deserve any respect. They can never be trusted because they have proved themselves untrustworthy.

Trust is not a thing to play with. It's extremely precious and no relationship can thrive without it. It can limp on but it will eventually wither.

There is nothing to fight for, nothing to cling on to, nothing to work on. Once trust is gone everything else crumbles. Love, respect, joy, passion, contentment, laughter, all gone. Forever.

Cheaters take a gamble. At the time of cheating they know that they are risking losing their primary relationship. They weigh it up and decide the risk is worth it.

Of course when the gamble fails to pay off they are not so keen to stand by their decisions. Cowards.

All you can do now binders is move on and build a new life for yourself and your son. Don't ever let anyone try and minimise what he has done.

I have this thread since the beginning and I really admire how strong you have been in such a truly awful situation.

I've been reading through the posts, and I just wanted to show my support for you Binder.

Mostly I've read your posts to make sure you were ok, I hope your doing as well as you can what an awful, awful human being this "man" is!!! Gosh I am so angry and angry at some of the "it happens every day" it might well do but this should be about you and showing you support - so I've elected to avoid people who are trolling with their self righteous rubbish - im ever hopefull he runs into your sister with a pair of rusty scissors - go binders sister!

You come across as an incredibly strong lady throughout this, mostly to not take the scissors to him yourself :) I don't think I could have resisted, I think it has taken great restraint not to send those photos or put them on a bloody big billboard outside her house/his work - but I think your posts show you are dealing with this situation with a great deal of integrity, who has made it clear that your son will still see his father -you are in my opinion a true lady!

The "man" in all of this however has tried to use emotional blackmail it would seem at every hurdle along with the awful bedroom visit (I have no doubt that wasn't in your head!)

I would put bolts on your front door (in my house if a key is in the door no-one get in, so if you have double bolted doors get extra keys cut) my friend did when she discovered her partner had been doing something similar - she couldn't change locks legally, but she added bolts/security chains as with two children she felt it would be safer from a security point of view living on "her own" so that's how she got around that one! And that is not unreasonable by any means - I would check with a solicitor but it will stop the arse getting in and maybe your get a good nights sleep which is what I'm sure you need X your not stopping access just taking security seriously of course you might have to let him in if he rings the doorbell late at night but your be in control.

I would also echo what a lot of other ladies have said, don't rely on his parents. You do not know what this man is saying to them, he lied to you for 14 years I'm pretty sure he's not going to be telling them the truth - my DP made this mistake when trying to do right by his children (looks after kids full time after mother walked out) and it turned out she made out he was the one bonking like a rabbit - and that she just did it because he was... he wasn't :) she was and get yourself tested for your own peace of mind

I am sending you lots of love and I think your amazing for dealing with this the way you have xx

You go girl. You're doing brilliantly.

As for nana, so glad my own 80 year old mother doesn't share your views.

Binders did STBXP respond to your message about the Saturday deadline yet? It's good to know your DS will be enjoying the day with his Granddad and will be away from any bad feeling at home.

Your reaction to Nana's advice is understandable when you're feeling so raw and vulnerable. I'm sure it was meant with good intentions, but was probably delivered too early, when the pain is still very raw and your gut instinct is telling you that DS needs your nurturing and protection as his primary care-giver. Especially as STBX has not only slighted you with his actions. His choices have led to the breakdown of your family.

Focus your energy on meeting your short-term needs for now: take care of yourself and DS, and find a way out of co-habiting by Saturday evening.

Iguana's advice on the use of language when talking to PIL (and anyone else for that matter) is spot on! This situation is the result of STBXP's choices, not yours!

Maintaining a front of dignity is exhausting, but hopefully this situation won't continue in this way for much longer. When you have breathing space, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Give yourself a chance to grieve, to relieve yourself of some pain, and begin to heal.

Then you'll be in a better position to negotiate long-term contact and financial arrangements. You both will, once the emotional turmoil subsides a little, and you're able to focus on what is best for DS.

Thank you everyone. I can't say enough how your continued advice, support and experiences mean to me. The only reason I have made progress and handled things the way I have is because of all of you. Hello to the new recruits of binder army! Thank you for your best wishes it means a lot. RL support is precious but I have really come to rely on this thread to get me through this. I read one post and think yes I need to remember that and thank x and then I read the next and the next and the next and I realise I need all of them and I need to thank everyone for them.

I haven't had a text from OH' s father and OH hasn't said anything either. He came home from work and a little later started getting changed, all dolled up and I could smell aftershave which he never wears. Heard him on the phone talking to someone arranging a time to meet and then left the house saying could you take the bins out as I might not be back tonight and off he went. Doubt I will sleep much tonight. Don't know if he was implying he is on a date or out with friends or trying to make me jealous. You would think after 14yrs he would know I am not the jealous type! His behaviour is pathetic to say the least.

I have to do this step by step as many of you have said. First step is to get through Saturday - like the chart idea!

We have one day to go.....goodnight binder army x

Hi Binders, another lurker here. Just thought I'd let you know you aren't the only one who has picked poorly more than once. I think you're doing an amazing job, and is like to tell you that there's hope for a good future, I'm proof of that. Also, being single isn't bad, except the financial bit. Please stay safe, and stay strong, andknow there's some one about 8 time zones away who is pulling for you!

Thank you Littlefeile

Binders you're the model of courage, grace and strength. So sorry you're going through this . I saw my mother go through this and i am so sorry it is happening to someone else.

A little bit of Bananarama sprang to mind.

Not sure to hear it as "Na na na na, kiss him goodbye" or "Nana nina wave goodbye". I'm sure you get the gist though.

Hope you get some sleep.

Now you've gone and done it frances, I'm going to be up all night singing Bananarama and all those other empowering break up songs - I will survive etc etc!

Just checking if this works....

Arrhhh so that's how you add the flowers and things!

For you all..... x 500 x

Binderst, he sounds exactly like my very distant crazy ex OH. For me the moment was when he said "I need to be in a relationship I can control". I felt something just release inside of me (the futility of all my attempts at reconciliation after his multiple bouts o cheating, perhaps?)

Those empowering break up songs work! My crazy boy also purposed to me after I left him, he even implied that I would never have children of not with him, which was the last thing I wold consider after leaving him.

It feels like 3 kinds of horrible storm all at once, hurricane, sandstorm and blizzard, but after its all done, everything is clean and pretty again though it doesn't look the same, don't worry.

Sending you a very un-mumsnetty goodnight hug, hope you manage to get some sleep Binders, tomorrow is a new day as they say

I like you analogy of the three storms little.

Goodnight hug gratefully received -goodnight fern.
.

I'll sing along with you...

He doesn't love you, the way that we love you
Or he wouldn't make you cry...wave him goodbye

Stay strong in voice and heart binders

A little out of tune but I am singing honest!

Oh my battery is going flat.. Goodnight little, fern and frances- thanks for staying awake with me. X

Could you take the bins out?

What a wanker!

He's a goppin hoofwanker, he is!

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I learned it on another thread and thought it fit!

Sounds apt, LittleFeile!

As for your OH, Binders - I'd guess his aim is clear, he's trying to make you see that you can't control what he does and he's going to do exactly as he likes, in the open now, because you can't do anything about it. And since you've already told him and his parents (more to the point) that you've split, he's going to be playing the "I'm a single man now I can see who I want" card to the hilt, because he's a grade 1 shit.

If he doesn't come back tonight, have his stuff bagged up for him and take it to his parents' house tomorrow.