Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

De-lurking to wish you well Binders, I don't think I've ever seen someone so strong and courageous in such a dreadful situation. You are an inspiration to anyone who has been (or will be...) a victim of tremendous cruelty.

Binders, your story is shocking - good on you for making a stand and not putting up with this kind of betrayal in your life. I admire your strength.

I may be going against the grain but I wouldn't bother with the OW's DH. You don't need that kind of stress, that's up to them to sort out and it could add another whole layer of worry for you.

The temptation to throw OW to the lions must be huge but... what is she to you? Nothing. By following this through you would be giving the whole thing validity and potentially bringing a lot more crap to your door.

Concentrate on yourself, your DS and putting your shitbag of a DH back into his box with all the legal tools you can find. OW is nothing to you, forget her.

Hellkitty your pictures are brilliant

Binders he went out last night to show you he's not going to let you control everything. I think this weekend is crunch time. Get friends and family round to "encourage" him to pack immediately and get out, then once he's out, message OW's DH.

You are doing amazingly well, he'll realise exactly how much he's fucked up once you are no longer in his life and he can no longer hide behind the facade of respectability he's fashioned around himself.

WorzelsCornyBrows fab advice. Go for it Binders!

Good morning binder army! Only about 2 hours sleep but I'm feeling pretty bright today.

Your posts have been informative, supportive and nothing short of hilarious!

Hellkitty - seriously that's some talent you have there and with the humour. I nearly short fused the computer as I was so not expecting the image and when I did I was laughing so much, I knocked a full mug of coffee over everything! It was worth it though.

And the photo's Phoenix!

He did come back last night about 3.20 am in a taxi. He had obviously left his car somewhere having had a few drinks and usually I would drive him the following morning to pick it up, so it felt nice this morning driving past him at the bus stop on his way to work! What an idiot!

A few queries on the OW's DH. 100% I think he should know because she has been having at least one affair for the whole of their marriage and if it was me, as some of you have also said, I would definitely want to know but I keep thinking about their two little children. Then it's up to him. I can't even think about the possibility of OH being the biological dad. I am pretty sure OW will be going through hell herself now waiting for it all to below up in her face. I would be really stupid if she thinks that because nothing has happened yet that it has 'gone away'.

At the moment, I am considering using it as my 'trump' card if I have to, to get him out.

I think while you keep telling OW's H under wraps you a. Prolong her agony and b. Save yourself that extra stress.
You sound like a lovely person and you need to concentrate on yourself and DS right now.

Hell kitty your pics should be made compulsory for every thread where the OP's having a shit time

Shame it wasn't raining when you drove past him at the bus stop.

I'd take things one step at a time so that you don't overload with the stress of it all.

Solve the living situation first - preferably moving him out (could you get your family do that sit in?) If he won't move then go and stay with your sister for a while but maintain things in the house so that it doesn't become 'his house'.

Hellkitty. I see an opportunity for your talents in the scene with dipstick at the bus stop and lovely binders driving right on by.

Shame it wasn't raining when you drove past him at the bus stop

Morning Binders!

Keep your chin up and your back straight today. Even if it's the complete opposite of how you actually feel, ACT AS IF you are the strongest, most decisive person who ever drew breath and you are 100% in control and absolutely right. Check every few minutes to make sure you're still overriding all other thoughts. I can pop round later if your sister needs someone to help her hold the rusty scissors..?

And another vote for Hellkitty for Minister of Propaganda

If I were you, I'd tell him that a new website: mrbindersisacockwomble.com goes live at 7pm Saturday night with some very interesting photos unless you have a fairly compelling reason not to press the button...

Glad you're feeling brighter today Binders and if you start to feel overwhelmed or any other negative feelings, just remember fake it until you make it.
Keep going!!

At the moment, I am considering using it as my 'trump' card if I have to, to get him out.

Didn't you already play that card?

If so, it's played and you can't play it again.

Repeating ultimatums (and especially that one) makes you look weak and damages your credibility.

The decision about whether to tell him needs to be made in the best interests of him and his children.

If you use it as a threat to further your own interests it makes you look cruel and feeds into his "evil fucking bitch" narrative.

It was worth giving it a go when your Ex's main concern was not telling him, but now it's out in the open.

Someone else could have told him already, your ex has stopped begging, you don't know what's happening on the OW's end.

I don't think that's a trump card at all you've got there.

Just read a bit of the (massive) thread but...occurs to me you've actually got one trump card that will keep playing, and without any input from you, really.

Ladies of the thread, if you met a divorced man and it transpired that the reason his marriage had ended was because he'd been cheating on his partner through out his marriage, would you touch him with a ten foot disinfected pole? Me neither.

So, unless the OW leaves her husband and they manage to get together (if so, why did they never do this in the past, and they're welcome to each other anyway), he's bit screwed.

Agree that as you have already used telling the OW's DH as an ultimatum, there's nothing to be gained by using it again. If you think you are going to tell him, get it done. You've already told your ExP that you would tell the OW's DH if your ExP didn't move out, he hasn't, so must be aware it's something you may well do.

bathtime is quite right. Don't text till you've heard back. But follow through with moving out. What an arse.

Hellkitty please can we have a drawing of LP (Little Prick) at the bus stop with binders zooming past?

I'm not sure where we are up to with the ultimatum. Was it that you would tell OW's DH on Saturday but only if he didn't move out?

I think binder may have threatened to tell in a general way, but I don't think she's played it as a trump card to get him to move out.

I think it's worth trying it one last time, you've nothing to lose. "I don't see any movement on your part to leave. If you aren't gone by XXX tomorrow, I WILL contact 'Mr OW' and tell him what's been going on. I will also text/email him some lovely photos of his wife. This is not an idle threat, nor is it open for discussion or negotiation."

I'd suggest that today you text/email the pictures to your sister for safekeeping. Don't be surprised if he tries to grab your phone/laptop/tablet to break it thinking that it will get rid of the 'evidence'.

Is any of this evidence digital? Do you havr a scanner or access to one? I would be getting some burnable cds and usb drives and putting copies in safe places.

I wouldn't bother with any threats now as Stbx doesn't have a better nature to appeal to. He won't want to move out because he is completely and utterly selfish so he won't leave. Don't try to play him at his own game by giving ultimatums etc. I believe you should move out to prove you are serious about ending the relationship forever and to get away from his nastiness. Everything else can be sorted out once you have left.

Telling OW's husband shouldn't depend on what your Stbx thinks or does. All that matters is whether you think he should know now or later. I think you should tell him once you are living with your sister.

I agree that you should plan on leaving with your son by Saturday as you stated. He's still not getting that he did anything wrong so he's the victim in his mind.

And remember, when you are down about stuff in your home:
things are for having, people are for loving.

I have just caught up with this thread and would like to report for duty as a member of Binder's army.

OP, you have responded with such intelligence and dignity to this whole fucking awful situation. I mostly lurk round these parts but I know that Mnetters are great at supporting people going through break up hell even when they make terrible choices. You, however, have taken so much of the great advice given and taken it on board - making a shitty situation slightly less shitty. (And ignored the goady twat less than helpful advice.)

I am in awe of you.

I have nothing useful to offer in terms of advice. (Other posters are so much better at that.) But I am thinking of you.

If you need break-up songs, though, I love Sara Bareilles' "Gonna get over you". Probably not all the lyrics are relevant to you but I just love the line: "I'll be alright. Just not tonight." You are going to have bad nights (and hold virtual hands with sadwidow when you do because she sounds amazing) but you're going to be OK. You really are.

I'm always a bit at some of the advice given on some of these threads, although obviously some of it is given sort of in humour or in a "this is what I would do" way without consideration to the fact that there is an actual person/s on the other end who really shouldn't be following a lot of it.

For those who are saying the op should keep the pictures as evidence, evidence of what? those pictures date to before the ow and her h were married, they are not evidence of what has been going on since then. Added to which, they're not the op's pictures, they're her dp's. She doesn't have the right to take copies and email them to anywhere. In fact distributing pictures by way of what could be seen as blackmail (given the talk of threats of telling if xp doesn't do as he's told) using pictures in this way is actually illegal, as is blackmail. nobody should be advising the op to do that, not even in jest.

Tbh the time for threats and ultimatums has passed. If you want the ow's dh to know then tell him, but tell him for his sake not yours. You're not together any more, you both need to do what is best for your ds, but it's not really on to be threatening to tel/not tell based on whether he complies with what you want. Besides which, if his parents know her, there's a good chance that she will have told her dh by now, so any threats etc will just make you look deranged.

Concentrate on moving out with your ds, and getting things to a point with your xp so you can agree on access and selling the house with minimal further need for acrimony.

FWIW I'd keep quiet on the telling OW's H for the simple reason that she'll be shit scared anyway, but ultimately the truth will out. Just concentrate on YOU and DS and wait for the other shit storm to start. He'll find out, eventually.

I really agree that you should get family round and ask him politely but firmly to leave. I think you're really going to struggle otherwise.
I was in the same position as you, refusal to leave, he was selfish, we had to go in the end. I really wish I had done what the other posters are suggesting. Are you considering this binders?