Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

wannabe made a very good point:

"they're not the op's pictures, they're her dp's"

Please don't encourage binder to digitally copy and send those photos anywhere.

She may find herself facing prosecution under the 'Revenge Porn Act'. That is the short-term phrase but it is actually an amendment to the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015, which has a specific amendment dealing with such actions. It has received Royal Assent and became law in February 2015.

Revenge porn is sexually explicit images or video that is distributed without the consent of the subject. We know from Binder that one photo is of OW in her knickers on the sofa. I would consider that photo to be 'sexually explicit'.

Section 33 of the Act makes it an offence to disclose private sexual photographs and films without the consent of the individual depicted and with the intent to cause distress. However, having the original photos and showing them to the OW's DH as 'evidence' is NOT covered by the Act.

It is the digital copying/sending or uploading to social media that is the criminal offence and carries a 2 year jail sentence.

Hi everyone, I have been reading and listening to you all.

OK - I am definitely NOT going to make any ultimatums about OW's DH. As bathtime and others have pointed out, it is an ultimatum I have already made and it's an idle threat because I know I couldn't go through with it anyway. And.. it's not about that now. Every time she behaved the way she did, she put her marriage and family at risk, and if she hadn't behaved that way and if they hadn't had photography as a hobby! I wouldn't ever have known.

I will have rotweiller and two amazing friends with me on Saturday. My mother would get too upset and emotional to be there and dad is with DS. I just want tomorrow to be over so know I where I stand. I've been thinking about suitcases and what I need straight away. I don't see him leaving but I will think even less of him (if it's even possible), if he watches me load my car with mine and DS's things knowing we are moving into a spare bedroom and he will remain all nice and comfortable there. I am also absolutely dreading telling DS.

I know staying with my sister will be fine as a temporary fix and DS will love having his cousin to play with and sister tells me we will watch box sets, eat chocolate and drink white wine and lemonade. (Well she likes a bit of the stronger stuff but you get the drift).

Either way...tomorrow will be the start of a new future and that's what I'm focusing on.

You've only left him with his slippers, and he has to carry his sex sofa around with him, bad Binders!

Really, it does not matter about the photos. The stbx admitted he was unfaithful and the relationship ended. They were just a pointer in the right direction.

The OW's OH should be putting 2 and 2 together if he hears any rumours and should see him if he asks. OW may not want to continue the clandestine relationship now that her OM does not have the smokescreen of a respectable relationship, but that is for them to sort out.

Binders, the thing you have to think about tonight is about what to tell DS.

At some time tomorrow his world is going to change forever. Either his Daddy is leaving, or you and DS are going to live with the Rottweiller Aunty for the foreseeable future. You can't let him go off on his jolly day out with Grandad without preparing him for a major change.

Once that is done, DS' Grandad can then help to make the transition as smooth as possible. Secrets and lies shouldn't be spilling over to DS now.

If you have decided to stay in the house with your STBEX then that is entirely your choice. The Binders Army won't abandon you if you think that tomorrow is NOT the right time for you and DS to make these life-affecting changes.

I know you probably are quite anxious about tomorrow. Try not to over think it and if needed let the major of binder army (DSis) go at him with both barrells!

Oo and remember hellkitty's pictures and that photograph I posted to ease the tension

You have a great deal to lose if you make it easy to cast you as a vindictive, spiteful, lying bitch, which it will be easy to do if you try to use the threat of telling him to further your own ends.

Hi Binders. I've been reading your thread all week.

You are one amazing lady! - be proud of yourself and everything you've achieved thus far! It takes a tremendous amount of courage to deal with things the way you have, and don't let him or anyone else put you down.

I understand you must be dreading tomorrow, but honestly you'll be doing the right thing. Handled the right way this could be " a big adventure" as far as DS is concerned, and will probably be a very welcome distraction for him having his cousin around.

Honestly I wouldn't be asking him now to move out now, I'd happily go. At least then you know you have your own space totally free of him and any game playing and safe in the knowledge he cant just walk through the door at any given moment. One bit of advice (which I'm sure the solicitor probably told you) make sure you complete an HR1 form. Its free and essentially means that the house cannot be sold/remortgaged or anything without your consent - it acts as a red flag if he tries to do anything.

Wishing you and your DS all the very best xxx

hellkitty

Good for you binders, sorry I've had no advice but I admire you for being strong, sensible and taking what the other posters have said on board (although I'm aware at how hurt, angry and frustrated you are/have been).

I'm so glad your rotweiller and special friends will be there tomorrow. Hopefully you will stay in your own house with DS, it's so not fair for you to have to move out.

Good luck with telling your DS. I'm sure with your love and support he'll get through ok. I've been there. He'll understand, if not now fully, in a few years.

Sorry, X-posted.

Glad you are getting your head together for the weekend. Best of luck :)

HellKitty - you really should have a somewhere we can view all these!

Binders - am thinking of you and will be thinking of all of you all day tomorrow.

Sorry Xpost

New Future

Okay, what to take tomorrow :

• 2 weeks' worth of clothes for you and DS (you can wash and iron at the end of the week) - that includes uniform for DS and work clothes for you
• Shoes, boots and wellies
• cuddly toy, and favourite books/games for DS
• Passports
• Cheque Books, bank account information, credit/debit cards
• Copy of your will / special investments you've made for DS
• Mortgage details (and any details of joint loans)
• Photos that are special of you and DS
• laptop, phone, ipad
• house keys and key to garage etc
• make-up and perfume (often forgotten in a rush), hairdryer/tongs
• address book (if you keep paper copy)
• DS' school book bag, letters from school, homework
• Stationery for DS to do homework (pens, pencils, paper, coloured pens)
• Favourite DVDs and music - both you and DS

Others will add if I have forgotten something important.

I do have the photo's and only me, two friends, rotweiller and OH himself have seen them. Others are aware they exist as that was where this all began.

I don't intend to do anything with them, it was more important that I could show OH that I had proof that they had a sexual relationship over decades including proof within a couple of months of OW getting married and either before or at the start of our relationship. Otherwise he would have just denied it.

I also found out that the last time they slept together was not 18 months ago, it was Christmas because when it came up again he actually said Christmas and I said "you said 18 months ago" and he looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. But we all knew it was far more than that anyway.

But we all knew it was far more than that anyway.

Sadly. Yes.

What a bastard pair they are.

when it came up again he actually said Christmas and I said "you said 18 months ago"

It is one of the perils of lying - you have to have a way to keep track of what you said previously.

Just realised I was confused with my last post, it's eviction day tomorrow isn't it, not today. My apologies. Glad you've recruited another couple of people to assist. I would just hide behind them if you think he will refuse to comply. Hopefully he'll feel completely shown up by it all and do the right thing. All the same though I think sadwidow 's advice is good - assemble the items on her list, particularly the paperwork, and have them to hand but don't pack them unless, between you all, you really cannot get him to go.

As long as Binder doesn't distribute the photos then, asfaik, she won't be doing anything illegal. I think it would be safe to scan the photos as long as she doesn't post them on Facebook or sellotape them to lamp posts.

You know the reason there weren't any tits-out-on-sofa pictures from the last 14 years is because they probably switched to digital photography. Not suggesting that you try to access his phone/laptop (you don't need to) but I bet there were further photography sessions that didn't end up in the loft.

I think your decisions about OW's DH are spot on, as always you are taking the dignified road and staying true to yourself, it's obvious DS is your priority here rather than venting your anger although that too would be completely understandable! Your level-headedness (is that even a word?) is admirable in the face of what that cockwomble has done and, whatever happens next, you can hold your head high and know you didn't give him the satisfaction of making decisions based on an emotional response to his (disgusting) actions. Where most would have gone with their visceral reaction you have, at every stage of this process, thought things through before acting and made sensible, calm decisions, honestly my respect and admiration for you grows daily. Good luck for tomorrow, I will be thinking of you and hoping things turn out the way you want them to

What a Pig!

I know I've recommended before that you make him leave. I say this because I left the marital home and it cost me a lot financially. But, if you do go, whatever you do TAKE A KEY. Make it clear that you want half the furniture (you can come back with a van when you get a new place) - or cash value for it. I had to start from scratch and even going for bargains, it cost £5k to furnish new home. It's not just the big items you'll need like sofa's, beds, TV's, it's all the little things like cutlery, plates - it all adds up!

Make sure he pays Child Support - do not let him off!

Now that your income has reduced, you might be eligible for Tax Credits.

Child benefit is payable to the mother, so make sure that goes in to your account.

When you are the only adult in a property (be it home or a new place), you will get a 25% reduction on your Council Tax.

Good luck!

PS) If he really does make you and DS leave, he is twice the bastard, IMO. xx

This latest discovery is why you absolutely have to move out now - because you can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. The only time you can be sure he isn't lying to you is when he is silent and even then I'm sure you'd rather not have to look at such a pathetic scumbag.

You are going to be fine because you have a loving family around you and you are clearly an intelligent, capable woman. You will move on and remain fabulous whereas he will always be an arsehole.

And completely agree what other people have said about OW's husband. Tell him if you want. But it's no longer a workable threat and it's not your primary concern. Its waaaay down your list.

Look after your wonderful son. What have you told him so far? He must have noticed the atmosphere (and the fact you're not sleeping in the same room). If you need to explain things to him tonight, would it be helpful to say something like "You know how [friend from school]'s mum and dad don't live together?" I'm guessing he must know other kids his age whose parents have split up. Otherwise, is there a TV show he watches or book he's read which deals sensitively with divorce? Do boys read Jacqueline Wilson books? I'd be racking my brains to think of a suitable example if so.

When do you plan on telling your son that you are separating? I can't believe his dad wants to make it harder for your DS by making you both move out. I can only assume he doesn't believe that you will follow through with the move, so that's why he's staying put. Hopefully when he sees you packing it will be the kick in the nads he needs and will make him ket out himself.

It's great that you have supportive people to be around for you tomorrow.

Oh and by "look after your son" I didn't mean to imply that you weren't, btw. You sound like a wonderful mum.