Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

You should take the bins out with most of his possessions in

Just want to say you are doing brilliantly.

Don't forget to log the 'you f^king b^^h' incident. I fear there may be more where that came from. I would get a nanny cam if I were you. They are relatively easy to install.

This man has a brass neck, attempting to deny everything to his parents, when he knows you have photos -- even though they are from a long time ago the fact is he kept them. Plus refusing to leave.

Tell people. And threaten to tell OW's DH.

Wrt telling children, make sure DS knows none of this is his fault, none. This is the most important part. You could say for the moment that you no longer love each other, but you both love DS and you are both his loving parents and will both do your best for him.

As he gets older or if he questions that, you can tell him that exP made choices that were not compatible with a loving, trusting relationship and take it from there. Many children do not want to know the ins and outs.

Could you take the bins out.

Fuck. Ing. Hell. He's got more front than Brighton.

Oh god silly me I forgot to take the bins out. You know what it's like. Bit like you forgetting to let me know you've been porking another woman for 14 years under my nose. How "ridiculous" of us both.

He was trying to let you know:

1. He's moving on and is breezy and cool
2. He's dolling himself up for OW or someone else because he's now really free and single
3. You're stuck home because the implication is that you will be your son's full time carer while he can spread his wings and do as he pleases.
4. You're not only silly enough to think he's moving out, but in fact he has a few Cinderella tasks for you to do. 'Know your place as the housemaid' is what he wants to convey.

The reality is that it's all a masquerade. He's having a shit time and he's bricking it. Let him splash on his pissy aftershave and make out that he's young free and single. Nobody likes a liar and a cheat.

I liked the suggestion above that you get all your family round (especially the Rottweiler - give her a couple of vodkas first) and tell him he has 20 mins to pack and get the fuck out the house. He's a pathetic weakling. Anyway, keep your cool - that will piss him off more than anything.

Just had a thought.

If he doesn't come back phone the OW's husband and ask if she's at home because your husband isn't and as they're having an affair you thought they'd maybe gone off together.

It really is time to tell the man.

I was furious that people didnt tell me what was going on and it took me a very long time to get over being made such a fool of.

I wonder if it might be time to draft another text to PIL.

Hi xxx
Sorry to text you again - it's awkward to ring you about it as I know you're as upset as me about this whole thing and I don't want to be upset in front of DS.
Despite the requests, (Ex-p) has sadly opted to remain in the house and, as you can imagine, the situation is untenable. Unfortunately I am forced into the position of having to take myself and DS out of our home and to find another place. Initially this will be with my sister but as it will mean we will have to share a room, this won't be long term and I don't know if I can afford to remain local. I am really keen for DS to continue his great relationship with both you and his dad, but he will be very anxious being removed from his house and his room and I am desperate to protect him from this whole terrible situation and keep things as normal as possible for him. Let me know if you have any ideas. I was going to discuss it with Ex-p last night but he had a late night out"

?? Too much info?? I'm trying to keep you as the victim in this scenario and your son as the unreasonable one forcing you out.

Your ex-p obviously, not your son!!

Actually, don't drop in about not being sure if you can remain local. Seems like a slight threat. Maybe "which will mean another move and more disruption and instability for DS". Builds on the effect on him rather than the suggestion that GPs won't be able to see him.

Nana, you HAVE had this reaction before!

I know you from another part of the site, where you laid into me for something I'd posted about, which had given me and my family an awful lot of heartache.

Just because you have a professional interest in these cases, it doesn't mean you can ride roughshod over the feelings of the people who are actually going through them.

I suggest you back off now; you aren't helping.

Just saying good morning binders! I genuinely laughed at your ex's pathetic attempt to make you jealous! He'd probably gone to a bar and ended up crying in a corner!

I too think it's time to tell the dh if you feel you can. I would really want to know if I was him. It upset me in a previous relationship to know other people had known for a while before me.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and I hope he moves out tomorrow. I think having your sister there would be a great help sending you lots of strength

I am in awe of how you are comping but are you considering a time limit for telling OW's DH?

Also what are you doing about DH moving out? Is there anything like an occupation order you can get if you are not married?

Looks like you will be taking the rubbish out all right. Think of it as the last job you'll do for him.

Hahaha

How did you not fall at his feet telling him you had made a mistake and you were sorry when he got all prettied up to let you know what you were missing?

I pity any future partner stuck as second fiddle to these two.

You need to weigh up if you tell her H and the ramifications those DC may be his and how that affects what he will pay you if so going forwards.

Also be aware if you do tell. Her H may know and accept, may side with them calling you a delusional liar and they may stay happy ever after.

Please don't forget STI tests. Just for your own piece of mind.

He came home from work and a little later started getting changed, all dolled up and I could smell aftershave which he never wears. Heard him on the phone talking to someone arranging a time to meet and then left the house saying could you take the bins out as I might not be back tonight and off he went.

What an embarrassing knobhead.

Trying to make you jealous that he's out on a date when you have left him for never being faithful to you, ever!!

And the little parting shot about the bins! FFS.

This is what he's made of - when the shit hits the fan, all he's capable of is playing teenage games.

He hasn't grown up from the time he and his long term shag buddy got together.

Don't text his Dad again when you have had no reply to your last text. It makes you look weak and desperate. The first text was a bold move, but it doesn't appear to have worked out for you.

Presume he isn't going anywhere and make your plans accordingly.

Keep a diary Binders. Telling you he probably won't come home isn't the behaviour of a contrite man.

I put the bins out for you Binders. And that's his fancy pants disco dancing shirt

Hellkitty -brilliant!! And I must add, that's very helpful of you to help binders put the rubbish out.

Also please don't forget there are 3 innocent kids.

Your DS is going to be very upset.

Imagine finding out your dad may not be your dad on top of that. But he still may be the dad of your sibling but not you.

A lot to think about.

All because of 2 selfish people.

hellkitty

Hellkitty I think you should be in charge of the propoganda in the binders army more like illustrating the hilarious reality of the knobhead and his hag.....more please

binders I have to agree with PP, he was trying to make a point/make you jealous. Don't react, cause that's what he wants as that would be an indication that he could worm his way back, keep strong!

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore!

Oo and good morning

HellKitty argh, tea spit on my keyboard!

Maybe we need a bin smiley ...

Taking inspiration from hellKitty

binders did he look like any of these?

Oh Phoenix, they're just smashing!
I'm getting a twinge myself.

Wow Binders....10 days and my how you've emerged as one brave female. I'd like to join yout army please. I could be chief cook and bottle washer. Gotta be good for sumfink. Just want to de-lurk and cheer for you.

Hellkitty, you might be onto something with these graphics. I foresee a market of cards to send to all sorts of guffy people. Especially like Binder's EXp.

Binders you've been very brave through a horrible time. You are absolutely right to be moving out as it will be unbearable to be living in the same house. Once you have moved out, I suggest you become very business like about everything and only discuss arrangements for your DS or getting a valuation for the house with your Stbx, nothing else. Don't get drawn into any further discussions with him about anything as he is clearly an expert at manipulation.

You can let your PIL know your new address as soon as you move, as it will be the most effective way of letting them know that their son has forced their grandson out of the family home. No need to say anything else.

I think now is the right time to tell OW's husband. Just a quick factual message about you moving out because of the affair will be enough. It is better that he hears it from you first because he has probably also had some suspicions about his wife's behaviour. If he wants to know the details and the proof you have, he will ask for them.

Let Binder's army go forth into battle!