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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has been secretly recording me help

442 replies

Daisycloud66 · 06/10/2015 14:26

Shit, total shock here.
I've just been onto a hard drive my DH bought a while ago for us to share as last pc crashed and I lost all my spreadsheets I use for tax return,

I created a new folder for each of us and dragged all his stuff into his folder. He had loads of MP3 files and assumed it was music so I've opened one up to play as if it is current music I was going to delete it as its on iTunes. But the MP3 recordings weren't music they were recordings of me. The first one I opened was of Big Bang theory from last night and had me talking to my dog. The next one was the tv I was watching again last night.
WTF is he playing at, I just don't understand it. 22 mp3 recordings lasting about 5 mins each.

How is he doing this? Can anyone tell me if its the ps4 that's recording me?

He's gone to work so I can't have this out until late tonight.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/10/2015 08:59

I don't think calling 101 is about having it logged. 101 is to report crimes in a non emergency situation which this is.

I think it is necessary for this crime to be reported and the op to use the law to help protect her and the DC.

F0rmerlyKnownAsXenia · 09/10/2015 09:14

I'm struggling to understand the reluctance to phone the police ( from some posters ) . Of course the police will investigate to see if a crime has been committed. Of course the OP doesn't need to know " exactly what she's reporting " .

If her husband is perfectly innocent and has done nothing wrong, they will tell her. If her husband has suddenly become mentally ill or developed a learning disability or personality disorder that makes him not responsible for his own actions, that will be determined by experts or by the court .

She just needs to let them do their job, and protect her and her children . Before all the evidence has been deleted. While her friends are witnesses.

I understand that that some posters want to believe that the problem is is spyware, and once she has deleted it , that's the end of the problem. But it's not .

The problem is her husband . Whatever is wrong with him is not going to be fixed by pressing a delete button . He's not going to give up that easily , he will just find another way of stalking her . And now he will have even more justification is his own mind - because of the divorce / separation / children . He may become convinced that there is someone else. And he may step up his stalking to catch her out .

People who are this controlling can get very very angry when their attempts to control are thwarted .

Phoenix0x0 · 09/10/2015 09:25

xenia from what I can see everyone who has posted on this thread has been urging daisy to call the police.

daisy have you called them yet? It's really important that you do, to protect yourself and your children.

MultiShirker · 09/10/2015 10:36

Yes Xenua I saw the stalking my friend suffered escalate after she divorced the scumbag shed married.including stalking her DC. including disregarding court orders. It's terrifying what these men think is reasonable behaviour.

Daisycloud66 · 09/10/2015 10:59

Just wanted to drop in and say thanks for the support.

After a tearful night I have woke up a bit more positive and have decided to speak to my family today. I was putting it off as they love him and there is no way back then.
Looking forward to getting away tomorrow.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/10/2015 11:00

I hope to god that I don't need to say this, Daisy, but incase you are thinking of staying with him because of the loan...

He will not be capable of having a normal relationship with you. Never. If he gets help and fully engages with it, there's a chance he could have a normal relationship with someone else, although he's always likely to be the insecure and slightly controlling type.

He will not be able to have it with you. Even the best therapy in the world cannot rebuild the boundaries he destroyed. He will always feel that he has a right to know where you are, who you are talking too, what you're doing. Even if he managed to avoid the temptation to bug you again, which would be extremely difficult after he normalised it for so long, he'd feel lost and upset that he doesn't know these things. However much you told him, he'd never feel "close" enough to what was happening. He'd always wonder if you were lying, and feel that you were holding things back.

In all likelihood, he'd wait a while and then upgrade to a "better" option, so that you were less likely to discover it. That's why there are such expensive options - nobody goes out and spends 3 grand straight away, but when their partner finds out and they move on, but the person can't live without that data, they pay for more and more covert services.

He will not be able to rebuild normal boundaries or have a functional relationship with you, and he may not be able to have one with your children, depending on how "bugged" they were and whether he listened to recordings of them. He may have the same isolated feeling if he's used to knowing more about them than they tell him.

You're also going to become complicit in lying to your friends and family if you hide this from them. He will have being surveilling their lives too, albeit accidentally, and he had no right to do that. They deserve to know.

The loan may need to be negotiated at a later stage, because for now, your safety really is key. The longer you wait to report this, the harder it will be, because he'll try to rationalise it and convince you that it wasn't that bad. It was. It is. He had no right to track you for two years, no right to lie to you.

You absolutely have to report it, if only because should you split in the future (and you really should leave now), you won't have any evidence of this if you need it. That would mean it would have no bearing on whether he can see his children or whether you can get legal protection from him. It needs to be recorded.

You should leave, though. Report it, and make plans to keep him away from you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/10/2015 11:01

Cross posts.

That's excellent, Daisy. Your family will support you. They will be angry at him but that will be overwritten by support for you and you really need that. You deserve it.

Not long until you're going away now, either.

All the best.

PausingFlatly · 09/10/2015 12:46

Just been re-reading. You say you've been paying off the loan to your family each month, alongside the mortgage.

That might help establish that it was a loan not a gift.

But obviously go by what your proper legal advice says.

Offred · 09/10/2015 12:49

Yeah, it might help establish it was a loan, it might not help establish he was a party to the contract for the loan.

MythicalKings · 09/10/2015 12:51

Cake you're doing so well, OP.

Garrick · 09/10/2015 13:50

It's appropriate to be tearful, Daisy Flowers You've been betrayed in an absolutely massive way. I'm relieved you're telling your family - and, I hope the police. Thank goodness you're on a break from tomorrow!

Ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2015 15:51

Thinking of you Thanks

lunar1 · 09/10/2015 16:12

Glad you are speaking to your family, the extra real life support will be good.

diggerdigsdogs · 09/10/2015 16:41

You poor love, it's tough but you've got this [cake
I would think very seriously about getting a new phone/laptop/tablet and definitely email address.

How on earth can you continue any of the same equipment?

aftereight · 09/10/2015 19:01

Hope it went well with your family today. I agree about not using any of your devices again. Maybe you should bag them up and leave them at your friend's house. They could be used as evidence in the future. And buy yourself a decent new phone, ipad and laptop and car and handbag and shoes from the joint money pot before it is split.

toastyarmadillo · 10/10/2015 06:30

Hi, just checking in to see how it went with your family, I know how tough it was when I had to tell my family (who adored exh) that we were divorcing because he was knocking me and DD1 around. There was disbelief, "but he works in a hospital" denial "do you not think your over reacting" and blame "children need some discipline", it took longterm counselling for both myself and DD1 (through nspcc) and the police prosecuting for my family to understand that it wasn't my fault and my exh was a nasty little man. Even now 10 years on, my grandad (90) still reflects on how bloody great my exh was, sadly he put on a brilliant show for everyone else. So good my own family thought I had made it up in my mind.
Stay strong, you are doing so well so far, you are not over reacting and I agree with a previous poster who said once you pay out for that kind of software you get use to having that kind of data available. I do not think for one minute your dh could cope with that. I am certain he will simply resort to more expensive software, better hidden versions and be a lot more secretive about it.
Once the trust is gone, you cannot rebuild it,you can move on and forgive if that's appropriate, but once trust is gone it's very much gone for ever.

toastyarmadillo · 10/10/2015 06:34

Oh and definately use the joint account to fund new equipment, these apps are unbelievably sophisticated these days, I bet there is a fail safe built in that can give the impression it's been removed when it hasn't, also do any electronics your ds has. In the future ensure any thing given to your ds during contact with stbxh doesn't come into the house, all it will take is him giving your child a phone so he can call him during the week and he has tabs on you again. Xxx

Daisycloud66 · 10/10/2015 06:36

You will all be pleased to know I called 101 I was rambling to them. They said they would get someone from the local station to call and I actually requested a lovely police man who I have dealt with lots over a ongoing crime in my old house (Reason we moved) he's off for a few days and is coming to see me on Thursday when dc are at school.

Telling my close family members was not great as there helping out financially and can be quite selfish and was told you better not be throwing it all away. I knew this was coming as that's why this has made me so anxious. But equally they want us to stay put at the house here. So this weekend there going to pull off the document and I'm going to have to try and make him sign. Such fun.
Anyway putting all that aside for the weekend as am getting away now and going on our trip. I will check in tonight when dcs are in bed.

OP posts:
Lilmisssunshine7 · 10/10/2015 06:59

Well done Daisy. You are handling this brilliantly and I'm amazed at how calm you are managing to stay at such a hard time. I really hope things work out for you and your dc in the end x

Offred · 10/10/2015 10:18

Glad you have spoken to the police, sorry about your family. They should be aware that a contract is not valid if signed under duress or undue influence.

I hope the policeman you know is supportive.

lunar1 · 10/10/2015 10:21

Brilliant, that must have taken a lot of guts to ring them. Enjoy your weekend.

CakeUpWall · 10/10/2015 14:03

Hoping that you can enjoy having a bit of time away from all this; garner some strength for next week.

Well done - you are doing brilliantly. Thanks

TarkaDarling · 10/10/2015 14:27

Well done Daisy, that must have been hard to do.

hope you can have an enjoyable trip Flowers

NigellasGuest · 10/10/2015 14:44

Lovely policeman sounds like a lovely friend!

SoDiana · 10/10/2015 15:45

Hi daisy. Your family are also in shock and unable to believe. When they get time to process the details I am positive that they will not be upset over the financial aspect even if he decides to be a fuckwit about it. Hope you're being looked after this weekend.