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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been secretly recording me help

442 replies

Daisycloud66 · 06/10/2015 14:26

Shit, total shock here.
I've just been onto a hard drive my DH bought a while ago for us to share as last pc crashed and I lost all my spreadsheets I use for tax return,

I created a new folder for each of us and dragged all his stuff into his folder. He had loads of MP3 files and assumed it was music so I've opened one up to play as if it is current music I was going to delete it as its on iTunes. But the MP3 recordings weren't music they were recordings of me. The first one I opened was of Big Bang theory from last night and had me talking to my dog. The next one was the tv I was watching again last night.
WTF is he playing at, I just don't understand it. 22 mp3 recordings lasting about 5 mins each.

How is he doing this? Can anyone tell me if its the ps4 that's recording me?

He's gone to work so I can't have this out until late tonight.

OP posts:
Offred · 08/10/2015 20:56

If there is some justification or reasoning behind it let someone else find out.

Offred · 08/10/2015 21:00

No pklme you are ignoring the op's own words;

Shit, total shock here.

If she was aware of her husband having some form of ASD already and this behaviour was not shocking and frightening she would not have been so shocked and frightened by it.

IF he does have some reason for doing this such as you mention it is absolutely not appropriate for her to start playing amateur detective/psychologist because the way it has come to light is through him doing something which could indicate, as an alternative to your suggestion, that he is an exceptionally dangerous man.

It is really quite extreme stalking, which she had no idea about and which has gone on for a long time. Fact is she actually does not know the person she is married to, or what he is capable of/not capable of at this point and I think it is hugely ill advised to encourage her to start investigating it herself.

hellBellsJingleBalls · 08/10/2015 21:05

Well said, offred.

Mellifera · 08/10/2015 21:09

I strongly agree. Don't take any chances. Let someone else find out the why. Make sure you are safe OP. It seriously creeped everyone out on this thread, for a reason.
You cannot trust him. Confide in someone, urgently. Move in with someone for a while. Get police involved. Don't get trapped by a false sense of loyalty. He committed a crime. You don't know what he will do to cover it up.

I may be a cynic and thinking worst case scenario, but the betrayal is huge and you need to be 100% sure he doesn't still spy on you.

Original poster
Daisycloud66 · 08/10/2015 21:15

He's not controlling no. Well must be to a point as he's done this. He said the reason is he thought I would get my revenge on his cheating. Hes not particularly loving but he's not violent or aggressive he walks away in a argument.

I am taking the dcs away this weekend. Going to get some headspace.

The reason I'm on shaky ground at the moment is after speaking to solicitor it was noted there end this was a loan but to make it legally bound they wanted a document to be drawn up and it cost £££ family memeber said don't pay the solicitor we can get a free one offline. That never happened however today it's become know a mistake was made on our mortgage document and this money was stated as a "gift" genuine mistake as when we started the application it was a gift however we ended up buying a bigger expensive house and borrowed a lot more than originally agreed and it never changed from gift to loan.

It sounds silly but it was quite a substantial amount.

After reading your posts I will make a call tomorrow to 101 and get this logged!

Thanks for all the sound advice

OP posts:
wannaBe · 08/10/2015 21:22

I would imagine that if the op's h had asd there would have been some other signs pointing to it other than just this one instance. If he had a habit of collecting things then op would have been able to think "oh wait, he makes recordings of things this must be just something like that," but this has come out of nowhere.

I do know people who record everything who do not have ASD but for whom it is a bit of a geek thing much like train spotting and the like, but who are also perfectly open about the fact they do so. This is a soffisticated plan to record the op's every move, started by the h's own admission because he wanted to know if she was going to sleep with a friend they had over to stay.

And control isn't always about angry outbursts, sometimes control is so calm it's chilling. If you haven't experienced it it can be hard to explain but trust me it's not always about violence or even harsh words...

if he has a mental illness the only reason that needs to be of the op's concern is if it comes to the wellbeing of her children. She on the other hand should stay far far away from him.

Asimovbuff · 08/10/2015 21:24

So sorry to hear you are going through this daisy Sad

Comfortzone · 08/10/2015 21:24

Id make the call tonight to 101 Daisy. Wont take long then you'll be further ahead with things. Things are moving fast, you need to get this logged before anything further happens wouldnt you think? But it's up to you.

SoDiana · 08/10/2015 21:30

What are you going to get logged exactly. Stalking? Or dh watching your every move? Or a over zealous husband? Make sure that you figure out what you are going to report to the police.

Offred · 08/10/2015 21:35

The thing is this stuff is out there now. You know already.

Whatever consequences there will be for the house and the loan are not likely to be any different now. He has carried this surveillance out entirely covertly. You cannot trust him to do anything even if he agrees to.

Planning for the worst case scenario at this point would seem the wisest thing.

I am not for a minute saying he IS a dangerous man. I just think the appropriate way to respond is to respond in a way that protects you IN CASE he is. Because you really cannot know what he is capable of just now. Having things in place to protect you in case is the main thing, if they are unnecessary he would not be reasonable at all if he failed to understand why you needed to treat it as though it was very serious.

F0rmerlyKnownAsXenia · 08/10/2015 21:39

Since OP is neither the police nor the crown prosecution services, she doesn't need to know how to frame the charges , Diana . She just needs to report it and let them do their job .

F0rmerlyKnownAsXenia · 08/10/2015 21:41

And to the poster who was concerned that Daisy's husband might have ASD, I'm sure his defence solicitor will appoint an expert to do a psychological or psychiatric assessment

TripleRocks · 08/10/2015 21:50

Re the gift/loan business.

Am I right in assuming from your posts that the house was bought in his sole name?

RivieraKid · 08/10/2015 21:54

Has he been scary, aggressive controlling? If not, then this looks very different.

No, it doesn't. The only reason he hasn't needed to be outwardly aggressive and controlling is because he's already monitoring her every move jesus.

Offred · 08/10/2015 21:57

I think most likely the solicitor is correct if the signed mortgage agreement lists it as a loan then that is likely to override anything else (parol evidence) in the court's view. It would need a specialist in contract law to try and make arguments about it. It's not necessarily a total write off, it probably needs looking at by a specialist in contract law tbh. Failing that a SH family lawyer. There is an issue with 3rd parties involved in the mortgage agreement and the collateral contract that the op and her oh may (or maybe legally may not) have had with ther relatives for the original loan.

Offred · 08/10/2015 21:59

As a gift I mean.

I agree the fact this is so out of the blue means you just have no clue what type of person he is or whether he is safe or not tbh. I'd find it the most frightening thing.

honeyroar · 08/10/2015 22:19

Just a thought, but if you were to meet him (with a family member) in the next day or so, while he is still shaken up by getting caught and worrying that he may lose his family, do you think you could persuade him to sign the paperwork? Tell him it's the only way you'd consider taking him back now (a lie obviously).. Ve hen I split up from my ex and he'd cheated and treated me badly, a mutual male friend, who had cheated on his ex wife told me to get everything sorted quickly, as "he won't feel guilty or upset for long". It was the best advice I ever had..

rainbowstardrops · 08/10/2015 22:36

It's late and I'm tired but I'm missing the whole house/loan/money bit??? Can someone enlighten me?
OP, I am just Shock
You sound amazingly strong Flowers

GreenbackBoogie · 08/10/2015 22:42

The loan from family member may be enforceable even if not properly documented. The solicitor should think of a way to make it enforceable or they will be facing an action for negligence. Were loan repayments already happening from joint account?

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 08/10/2015 22:56

Please don't assume that he's not looking at every single thing you're googling and typing just because your friend couldn't find spyware on an iPad - if it is an iPad, he could be connected to the same iCloud somehow, and if you're still using your house's wireless, then I would assume it's possible that he's tracking things through that somehow.

Joysmum · 08/10/2015 23:20

Beware, your mortgage was granted based on the large amount of equity they thought you had due to the gift turns out you don't have that equity and somebody else could in theory have a claim on the house, as well as the mortgage company if you default.

But doom a gloom and worst case scenario but you need to be aware.

Singlewhitewhale · 09/10/2015 00:41

I've not read all the thread if my suggestion is all ready covered, ignore me.

For a device to allow spyware be installed it has be rooted ,a reset may not actually delete the app. I would not use these devices.

I don't agree,if he owns the phone its legal, I am aware of multiple companies in the US that are being prosecuted for selling apps that spy on people with and without consent. I would definitely talk to Law Enforcement.

Garrick · 09/10/2015 01:13

Daisy, I think you do not know your husband at all. The man you think you're married to is an invention, probably mostly your own invention tbh. This is the opposite of an insult - you seem to be a capable, lovely and warm human being who has just assumed that anyone she chooses to love must be the same. I rather suspect that when your friend who said he wished he could be like you and your H, what he'd taken in was your created relationship while your H just comes along for the ride.

He's behaved in an extremely calculated manner. He's lied to you many times a day, every single day. He's kept a massive secret. And this secret is not a thing that normal people do to other people, certainly not without a normal human motive.

Do you remember that TV programme where they put GPS & video trackers on cats? Like any other cat owner, I thought this was great because we always wonder what they get up to! The salient word here is cat owners. We think it's fun to put spyware on cats because they're not human and wouldn't understand if they knew we were invading their privacy. They're "our" creatures, anyway, so they have no independent rights as such. Also, we wouldn't need to spy on them if we could talk to them.
This must be similar to the way your husband sees you.

I don't understand why you seem to be keeping this a secret from your family? Tell them everything, please! You need good people around you!

Redglitter · 09/10/2015 02:01

Daisy be aware if you phone 101 it's not always a case of just having it logged as people on here think. Our force would have it as a domestic incident and would be forced to follow it up whether you like it or not. If there's any element of a crime were forced to pursue it.

FriendofDorothy · 09/10/2015 07:37

I sit on a domestic violence forum and this sort of case is discussed surprisingly regularly, They call it digital stalking and it is recognised as a form of domestic abuse.