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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been secretly recording me help

442 replies

Daisycloud66 · 06/10/2015 14:26

Shit, total shock here.
I've just been onto a hard drive my DH bought a while ago for us to share as last pc crashed and I lost all my spreadsheets I use for tax return,

I created a new folder for each of us and dragged all his stuff into his folder. He had loads of MP3 files and assumed it was music so I've opened one up to play as if it is current music I was going to delete it as its on iTunes. But the MP3 recordings weren't music they were recordings of me. The first one I opened was of Big Bang theory from last night and had me talking to my dog. The next one was the tv I was watching again last night.
WTF is he playing at, I just don't understand it. 22 mp3 recordings lasting about 5 mins each.

How is he doing this? Can anyone tell me if its the ps4 that's recording me?

He's gone to work so I can't have this out until late tonight.

OP posts:
hellBellsJingleBalls · 08/10/2015 13:51

Is there an easy way for op to check if he has done that keylog thing and how she can remove it?

Sorry if that's already been said.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 08/10/2015 14:01

I would end this thread if I were you, OP, get yourself a PAYG phone, one new computer/laptop, and do everything on the advice of family/trusted friends and solicitors.

Also, if I were you, I would be feeling massively insecure and unable to trust my home, car, gadgets, let alone OP.

I see you have DC. Is it feasible to up sticks to a family member's home? You need to leave this house. It's no longer your home, you have no idea what's going on.

I'm thinking of a clean break from him in an environment he has no access to.

Aside from the obvious violation of your physical environment, he has sown the seeds for long term mistrust of people, for not always looking over your shoulder snd second guessing. That would be my grounds of divorce, as I might be able to get over this specific violation. It's the fact he's ruined your ability to trust anyone, and be able to relax in your own home.

Take him to the cleaners. You will need every penny to make a free, secure, comfortable home for you and your DCs.

You poor thing, I am so very sorry that this is happening. It's criminal, legally and morally.

Muddlewitch · 08/10/2015 14:32

I agree he is probably still listening to you op, that's why he is calm and giving you space. If he had had this obsession for two years and suddenly given it up cold turkey he would be losing the plot at this point, not giving you space.

Be safe, I hope the house stuff works out. If it was me I would be wanting to move anyway I think as I would never relax there again, but of course do what it best for you and the DC.

I agree that he sounds very unwell. But that doesn't mean you should stay with him. Most addicts are unwell, but that doesn't excuse the horrific effect of their actions on the people around them, or mean that anyone should have to put up with it.

rainbowstardrops · 08/10/2015 14:34

He's definitely still listening and spying. Otherwise he wouldn't be so calm.

SoDiana · 08/10/2015 14:42

You are lucky to have found out now.F what yyou sasaid eaearlier in the thread his behaviour has escalated and you noticed a recent increase in the number of texts to you. He is likely to be suffering withdrawal symptoms now as his addiction is taken from him. He could potentially be at his most dangerous now. Afraid of losing you.
Even the first time was a power thing to him. I own you and I will control you. Hopefully the solicitors today offered advice on staying safe at this critical time.

Whatevva · 08/10/2015 14:42

He's definitely still listening and spying. Otherwise he wouldn't be so calm.

I agree. And since this has been the main part of his relationship over the last 2 years, he is probably not understanding it is over.

SoDiana · 08/10/2015 14:45

Ps I don't buy his first story. He was prepared that time. He obviously didn't just buy the product that night on the spur of the moment.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 08/10/2015 14:48

I am astounded by what I am reading. If someone would go to these lengths to stalk a partner, doubtless they will be following this thread.

I think it would be best if the poster does not make any furthet updates ,(under this or any other user name), and request this thread be deleted as soon as possible.

eddielizzard · 08/10/2015 14:56

so sorry you're going through this. very bizarre behaviour that has ratcheted out of control.

whatdipstickeryisthis · 08/10/2015 15:39

Daisy, I have followed your thread with horror. How utterly destabilising and violating for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and like others, am in awe at your calmness and methodical and resourceful approach to getting to the bottom of this and, now, moving forward. Respect.

I just wanted to add, noting up-thread that you "do the school run" and therefore have a DC(s), that your soon-to-be-ex will no doubt be wanting to see your children before long and/or they him. I would be concerned, given the intensity and scale of your ex's obsession/compulsion, that he might "plant" some kind of recording device with the children when he sees them - a new phone or tablet maybe, or something more subtle - especially if his old means of getting his spying fix are being eliminated. Without some kind of legally binding injunction against him/supervised access with the children yet in place, there's every possibility he'll just continue to watch/listen to you through them. An awful prospect.

I realise it's very early days, but do please bear this in mind. All the more reason to go to the police and down the legal route, so there can be something legally binding in place preventing him doing this through the children. Whatever happens, given his history, I can't see how the usual back-and-forward-between-Mum-and-Dad's-homes set-up could ever work with him (assuming you split, obviously ... that goes without saying).

How old are your DCs, Daisy? What's their dad like with them?

Great advice up-thread. Wishing you all the very best with moving on from this.

Original poster
Daisycloud66 · 08/10/2015 15:48

Tech wizard has been.
My phone has been stripped of spyware. It was still on there but as I had only turned it on and off but turned of the wifi it wouldn't of got anything. Android is the easiest phone to put this on. I don't want to give people ideas but on the flip side uncheck the background data settings if you are worried!
Resting my iPad would of got rid of anything on there so thanks to Jeffery he won't have this info as I created a new MN account and put a new password on it and I don't ever plug it into pc.
DC iPad has been reset and started from new.
Mac and old pc that was gathering dust in office has been taken away so he can look at it as there is so much stuff on there he didn't seem sure.
Feeling a bit happier that that's been sorted.
He did say that without my iPad being jail broken it was unlikely that there was anything on there.
Solicitor called do I went to the park, let's just say there has been a huge fuck up in the loan of family members money and from what was said he can pretty much walk away from that Scott free and not have to repay it.
Need to speak to them again tomorrow. In the meantime I have unplugged everything electrical.
And husband has blown up my phone with texts with im sorrys

OP posts:
Offred · 08/10/2015 15:56

Have you spoken to the police? I really think you should. And the fact he is texting so much after this hugely creepy violation would actually scare me TBH.

SoDiana · 08/10/2015 15:59

Please try to find the strength to ignore the I am sorry. Im sure he is. Like I would be sorry if I murdered someone. But I still murdered someone.

TarkaDarling · 08/10/2015 16:01

OP have you reported this to the police yet?

Asteria36 · 08/10/2015 16:03

At least you are getting all the spook stuff cleared out of your life. Not sure how you move on from this though. Has h given you any idicatiin as to why he has done this - irrespective of how you move forwards (with or without him) it may help you get some closure on the situation if you get him to explain what the fuck was going through his tiny little mind why.

Asteria36 · 08/10/2015 16:03

*Indication

M0rven · 08/10/2015 16:05

I'm sure he's sorry . He's sorry he's been caught . He's sorry he may face criminal charges .

RivieraKid · 08/10/2015 16:14

griefleavesitsmark has it right:

If someone would go to these lengths to stalk a partner

That's exactly what this is, stalking. On a grand and incomprehensible scale. He bloody should face criminal charges.

bilbodog · 08/10/2015 16:14

Please have all the locks changed to the house - I know he gave his keys back but how can you trust that he hasn't made copies???

M0rven · 08/10/2015 16:17

Asteriia - he's done it because he can and because he wants to, because he thinks he has the right to do so .

Abusers love to excuse their behaviour by blaming others, so it's not helpful to feed into this by suggesting that it's the victims job to find out why , as if that somehow excuses the behaviour .

It's like asking a rape victim " what did you do to get raped ? What was going on his head ? You need to know "

Daisy needs to concentrate on keeping herself and Kids safe, sorting out legal and financial matters and co operating with the police, not playing amateur psychologist. Her husband is well able to seek help for himself, should he wish to do so .

Original poster
Daisycloud66 · 08/10/2015 16:24

I've not called the police no! I had intentions of calling after tech wizard de bugged me but the news I had from the solicitor has left me cold. As if he wants to be a bastard about this "loan" and it's a pretty sizable amount my family member might be screwed and we may be forced to sell our brand new beautiful home.
Shit if I only would of thought of this before confronting him my family member could of got a template letter to sign before all this blew up. But it is going to be too late now, why would he sign this when he thinks we're over

OP posts:
M0rven · 08/10/2015 16:28

Please go to the police and do not post about it on here

lunar1 · 08/10/2015 16:29

I wonder if there is any way to check your home and car for further bugging devices. I second getting the locks changed and reporting this to the police.

lotrben17 · 08/10/2015 16:35

although the money situation is scary, think about the big picture - i don't think your DH is in his right mind, so personally I'd have done the same even if I'd been fully aware of the considerations - he's a danger, someone who can do something this elaborate to their own wife for no good reason at all is pretty crazy and unreliable. This doesn't fall into the normal range of 'bad' behaviour like cheating, this is full on weirdness.

MultiShirker · 08/10/2015 16:45

I really think you should go to the police. You're likely to have to sell the house anyway via divorce (unless you think you might give him another chance Shock ) so I don't see the connection between the two things.

Once he can't spy on you, he's likely to find other forms of harassment; believe me, you'll need the police at that point (friend of mine has bitter experience of this with an obsessive ex-H - it's utterly bloody awful).

This way, there's a paper trail.

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