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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To divorce over his emotional affair? And I'm pregnant.

166 replies

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:24

Husband was away for work.
Whilst away, a "friend" told him that she liked him. He told her he liked her to and carried on an emotional affair for a week. He fessed up when he accidentally messaged me instead of her to let her know he was awake if she wanted to call him.
He's now begging me to give him another chance. Says he just got caught up in the feeling of being wanted by someone else. He loves me, blah blah blah.
And I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...
I do love him.
But I won't be with someone who treats me like that. So I've decided it's over....
I just need other opinions as I don't know if I'm being an irrational pregnant lady...

OP posts:

HellKitty · 05/10/2015 11:26

What an utter shit.
I'm shite at advice but handholding. Or plate holding if you need to throw something.

YouBastardSockBalls · 05/10/2015 11:27

for you.

What an awful man. Was he away with her? I'm guessing he's denied doing anything physical?
It's be a deal breaker for me. He only got found out because he slipped up, who knows how long it would have gone on for?

You need space to think, at the very least.

YouBastardSockBalls · 05/10/2015 11:28

And congratulations on your pregnancy.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 11:28

You need to do what works for you. You are perfectly justified in ending your relationship. Others may not. Your life, your choice. You do not owe him another chance if any type of infidelity is a deal breaker for you.

Stillunexpected · 05/10/2015 11:30

You are pregnant so you are likely to be in a heightened emotional state but honestly I think you would feel the same way even if you weren't pregnant. What a shit. Also, I hate to be negative but are you sure this EA has only been going on for a week? Unfortunately, fare more likely that your H is only admitting to what he absolutely has to because you have caught him out. This may have been going on for longer and they may have been sleeping together. For your sake and the baby, he needs to be honest with you.

You might also want to get this thread moved to Relationships where there are very experienced posters, AIBU can turn into a bit of a bear pit.

CrapBag · 05/10/2015 11:31

Is this 1 weeks emotional affair his version after him sending you that message? If it is I'd be very suspicious that I was only getting a small version of the actual story.

I'm not sure I'd actually divorce over a 1 week emotional affair. Especially when pregnant. I'd see if we could work through it first.

I wouldn't exactly trust this is all it was though so that would be my first mission.

MinecraftWonder · 05/10/2015 11:31

I think you would bu to make any rash decisions considering that you're pregnant - because your hormones may well have an impact on your responses.

So I would take time to think about it and make sure it's not a knee-jerk reaction that you would otherwise be unlikely to make iyswim?

Original poster

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:32

He said it wasn't physical. She was in the same town as him for the week beforehand, she told him she liked him before she left town as she didn't think she'd ever see him again.
But who really knows if they did anything?

OP posts:

Booyaka · 05/10/2015 11:32

I thought the same as still I suspect he's minimising it.

Stillunexpected · 05/10/2015 11:33

I'm sorry, I know it's not the done thing but I did a search of your other posts and realise your husband works away almost all the time. I think it is increasingly unlikely that this affair has only been going on for a week! Your husband has been caught and is trying to minimise things.

DoJo · 05/10/2015 11:33

Only you can decide what you are prepared to tolerate in your relationship - some people can forgive this kind of behaviour, but for others it is a total deal-breaker. I would suggest a little time to think about it and avoiding making an rash decisions, but not because you are pregnant, simply because that's always a good idea when you have had a shock and been hurt. There is nothing irrational about acting on your feelings though, and don't let anyone diminish them because you are pregnant - the fact that he did this to you while you are carrying his child and extra vulnerable does make his actions more serious (IMO) so you are entitled to feel how you feel and deal with it in whatever way you think is appropriate.
for you and good luck.

MinecraftWonder · 05/10/2015 11:34

honestly I think you would feel the same way even if you weren't pregnant

How can you possibly say that?

I spent the early weeks of my second pregnancy crying over the most ridiculous, inconsequential things. I'm categorically not saying that this is ridiculous or inconsequential at ALL - but pregnancy hormones can undoubtedly change the way you think/feel/react to things.

I think that ^ is a very silly statement to make tbh.

Original poster

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:35

No, I don't know how long it's been going on for... All I have is his word, but it's not like I'd trust anything he says at the moment.

OP posts:

Stillunexpected · 05/10/2015 11:39

MinecraftWonder I just meant she would feel the same way about this particular issue. Of course, you can feel differently about things when you are pregnant but, I'm sorry, but I think catching your H in the middle of an EA is a big deal whether you are pregnant or not.

YouBastardSockBalls · 05/10/2015 11:41

I think it is increasingly unlikely that this affair has only been going on for a week! Your husband has been caught and is trying to minimise things.

I agree with this.

Sorry OP

MinecraftWonder · 05/10/2015 11:46

It IS a big deal - but it's a big deal that you may initially still react completely differently to when pg.

I was such an emotional mess when pregnant with ds2, it was awful. I couldn't laugh, at anything, without completely breaking down for twenty minutes in floods of tears. I cried over everything. Had this happened to me that time, I think dh would have had his stuff thrown out of the bedroom window tbh.

It's not how I would react if it were to happen now. Considering we've been together for 11 years, I would want a lot more information before I made a decision tbh.

I'm just saying, there's no stopwatch on the op's decision and to give herself time and space to think properly.

Muckogy · 05/10/2015 11:48

yeah, i would divorce.
he only admitted it because he was caught.
him carrying on like that while you are pregnant is unforgivable.
sorry .

CwtchesAndCuddles1 · 05/10/2015 11:53

I'm going to say don't make a hasty decision.............relationships can come back form this and more but only if both parties want to. My ex dh of 16 years had an affair - my immediate instinct was that it was the end, but after a lot of though we decided to try and make it work. We split a few weeks later and it was the best thing for both of us but it was important to us to know that we had tried to work through it, I would have always wondered if we could have made it work otherwise. I know of one couple who split up immediately after one party had a ONS - they eventually got back together and are very happy now, they regret being so hasty.

Only you know if your relationship is worth trying to save, it's easy for people to pile in on a form and shout LTB.

helloelo · 05/10/2015 12:01

I'd seek counselling and discuss it with a professional third party before making a decision.

When I was 16w pg with DS1, DH left for work one morning and the wind blew the door shut with a lound bang. I thought he had left me and would never be back. I cried for 2 hours before begging him to come back
(but don't let anyone say that because you're pg, you're by default emotional, some women don't do through this phase)

OP, it's shit.

Grazia1984 · 05/10/2015 12:01

30% of men and women cheat and he hasbn't even inserted his penis into her so I would just patch it up if I were you although tell him you are now entitled to one similar emotional affair of course....

Original poster

Marcher · 05/10/2015 12:09

Just saw the advice that I should move this to relationships... How do I do that?

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/10/2015 12:13

To me it kind of depends on what sort of relationship developed between them. If it was as short as he says and nothing physical happened I think I'd be able to put that behind us. Part of me thinks it's OK to like people, to have good friendships with either sex, it's what you do about it/ how you behave that matters? But DP had a fairly serious EA with a work colleague before we had our DC and we nearly split up over it, but in the end both decided to stay together, so I know a bit how painful and challenging this can be. You have to do what feels right to you x

CrapBag · 05/10/2015 12:14

Report your own thread. Personally I don't think Relationships is much better than here.

So he works away a lot. I'd not take his word for it on this then, I really wouldn't.

Can you try and get his phone or see his emails? He may well delete everything now though.

radiohelen · 05/10/2015 12:15

I'd be getting him checked for diseases and off to the relationship counsellor before I kicked him out on his arse. You have a baby together and so whether you like it or not you are in a relationship with him for the next 18 years. If you do still love him perhaps talking and making some clear guidelines for the future is a way forward. You can always kick him out on his arse further down the line if he doesn't play ball. The emphasis should be all on him behaving appropriately from here on in.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 12:17

I find it subtly insulting that just because a woman is pregnant she may be "hormonal" and by inference, not quite in her right mind about whether or not she could get past her husband cheating.

Personally, I would consider it more of a dealbreaker if I was pregnant.

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