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Original poster

To divorce over his emotional affair? And I'm pregnant.

166 replies

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:24

Husband was away for work.
Whilst away, a "friend" told him that she liked him. He told her he liked her to and carried on an emotional affair for a week. He fessed up when he accidentally messaged me instead of her to let her know he was awake if she wanted to call him.
He's now begging me to give him another chance. Says he just got caught up in the feeling of being wanted by someone else. He loves me, blah blah blah.
And I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...
I do love him.
But I won't be with someone who treats me like that. So I've decided it's over....
I just need other opinions as I don't know if I'm being an irrational pregnant lady...

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 22:58

I think I could forgive this affair, if I believed he was being 100% honest with me now.
But I don't believe he's telling me the complete truth. So there really isn't any hope.

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 05/10/2015 23:15

I really feel for you. Just wondering if it's possible he may have sent the text accidentally on purpose as a way of getting some attention. If he works away a lot and perhaps feels a bit disconnected. Whatever the situation he is completely out of order but often people are only thinking about themselves and their own needs. BTW please do not consider pregnancy hormones as affecting how you react or feel to this, it's shit and hormones don't come into in this situationFlowers

Mmmmcake123 · 05/10/2015 23:19

You are right to 'over react' and like others have said the whole 'here's my phone for you to check' is a joke. I'm not suggesting it warrants divorce and you really don't need this right now but unfortunately he needs to understand what he has done, whilst you also get your head round it. Good luck

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 05/10/2015 23:24

I've only skim read, so sorry if this has already mean mentioned, but are you both happy about the pregnancy? I think you should consider your situation first and then think about your H and your marriage.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 23:37

The next OW to stepmother your baby ?

Wtf is that shit ? Jesus christ.

Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 23:38

Yes, the baby was planned and is definitely wanted.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 06/10/2015 02:15

I'm sorry to hear this Op.

Unfortunately these phone calls to end things are often pre arranged and staged.I've been unlucky enough to witness two of these phone calls. The first thing they do when busted is ring each other to get their stories straight. Then they stage the call.

If your not a cheater it's a world you don't understand nor will you want to. Believe nothing he says at this point. It's usual to get a partial confession, nobody ever gets the full story straight away, if ever.

An emotional affair is simply an affair that has not yet gone physical. If they were isolated at any time it's highly likely that something happened. I also wouldn't believe that an emotional affair developed in a week. You might find these sites helpful www.truthaboutdeception.com/ andtalkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/65821-progression-friendship-ea.html#post1377983

When questioned I suspect he will reluctantly admit to hugging her, just as a friend. He might confess if pushed, to a little kiss but do expect descriptions of how he dramatically stopped it and said No! we can't do this! I love my wife, I've been a fool ! ect. If you look at those sites, or the stories on here, it's the same story again and again and again. All affairs start in exactly the same way. All cheaters do and say the same things which is why they call it the script. When my ex cheated it was so predictable and pathetic I was fucking embarrassed for him.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 03:06

It's like you heard him talk Confused

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 06/10/2015 03:49

I would ask him to show you ALL the correspondence from her. Emails, text etc.staying from the first one. You should be able to tell from them off he's deleted some, when it started etc. If he's not willing to be totally transparent, I'd be out of there. If he's not totally seeing and understanding what he's done and is minimising it rather than bending over backwards to save your marriage, I'd be gone. You need some good conversations about how and why this ever happenedand what is going to mean in the future ie. A diminished trust in him. Good luck OP. It must be very hard being pregnant at the same time. I think you are perhaps over reacting a bit to get divorced immediately but it really depends on how he is reacting. I hope you can come back from this and he's learned his lesson bit you will need to gauge it well with some help from MN relationships. For sure you need a break and I think he should be more than willing to give you some time and space to sort your head out. It's not all our nothing, but a bit of separation (and really, he needs to tell friend and family what he's done).

Want2bSupermum · 06/10/2015 03:55

OP I feel for you. I would be staying put nodding along while you are pregnant and settled after.

In the meantime I would be speaking to a lawyer and getting my support together. You need to have a good idea about what your future looks like. Are you able to lean on your family and are they in a position to help you with the DC? Do you need to return to work? If so are you qualified? Leaving now without a plan is a rash decision that I dont think is necessary.

Oh and I would bet your bottom dollar he has done a lot more than have an EA. I would expect this girl isn't the only one too. It sounds all too convenient that he texted you instead of her. I would expect either he is ready to move on from this girl and used you or he is normalizing this so he doesn't feel so guilty. Either way I wouldn't trust him either.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 04:08

I currently work part-time. That will continue up till baby is born, and I will be returning to work after my maternity leave.
My family are all interstate so they can't physically help with the kids.

I don't trust him at all.
My world has been shattered.

OP posts:
marzipan123 · 06/10/2015 04:19

This texting lark has a lot to answer for! The number of posts I have read where a flirty silly childish remark made on a text has rocked a relationship is growing daily. It's very tempting to play silly buggers with texts. It's not real, it's a game, it's silly. People say things they would not dream do saying face to face. People should be very careful before committing anything to social media.

I am not surprised the divorce rate is rising to 50%. For goodness sake it will be 100% before long.

The difference between flirty remarks that go on at work face to face, and text messages, is that you never find out about the face to face ones. I worked in a male dominated industry. I was the only female manager working in a construction company. I can tell you that so, so many of my colleagues from the MD to the Human Resources Manager hit on me. No texts then, it was face to face. The situations I had to squirm out of trying not to offend and keep my job but avoid any entanglement were many. All those men are still married. Their wives knew nothing about it.

I honestly think that social media flirting is causing a lot of relationship problems as it is so easy to get caught doing it.

A large percentage of men will flirt. So will many women. It's silly and childish, but it happens. What you don't know about can't hurt you!!

MatrixReloaded · 06/10/2015 05:16

Your bad patch probably coincides with their affair.

When asked cheaters typically say their affair started on x day when someone said this, or y day when they first kissed. This is bollocks.Realistically you just don't blurt out you have feelings for a married person. It's highly risky, your risking rejection, embarrassment and possibly an angry spouse.

This only gets said when a person is confident the feelings are mutual and some intimacy has occurred. There's usually been some mutual flirting, mutual complaining, and signalling of availability. It's highly likely he's been having some secret contact with her for quite some time to establish an atmosphere where feelings are openly being discussed. I'd want to know when that started.

Is she married Op ? If she is I would utilize that. The threat of informing her husband may produce a more believable version of events. Despite the talk of feelings when it comes down to it they don't hesitate in throwing each other under the bus.

I'm sorry this has happened. It's terribly painful and always the same story. Somebody flatters them and they're all over it like a hungry Chihuahua on a pork chop. It's horrible to realize your spouse is that weak and selfish.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 05:29

I said the exact same thing to him. She wouldn't just randomly confess her feelings to him unless she was pretty confident about it. Because his story just doesn't make sense.

She's not married... She's single and child-free.

OP posts:
Pseudo341 · 06/10/2015 07:16

Even if it was only an EA for a week, the fact that he had to phone her to end it implies he was planning to continue it if he hadn't been caught. I also don't believe his version of events, have you seen any other texts between them or has he deleted them all? So sorry you're in such a crappy situation OP.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 07:29

I saw a text saying how much she missed him....

Doesn't look good at all.

OP posts:
Dinobab · 06/10/2015 07:35

Text her pretending to be him? But don't tell him in advance obviously.
Or ask last minute for him to leave his phone with you for the day so you can see if she texts?
Sorry your husbands a shitbag Flowers

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 07:36

There are too many holes in his story.

OP posts:
BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 06/10/2015 07:51

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Especially while you're pregnant. I think for you to have any chance of moving on (if thats what you choose) he needs to be 100% honest with you.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 07:55

He says he is being 100% honest with me.
But I just don't believe him.

OP posts:
Fratelli · 06/10/2015 08:35

Sorry you're going through this op Flowers

I would say trust your gut. If you don't think you're getting the full story then you're probably not unfortunately.

Ignore the poster saying another ow will step mother your baby. That's ridiculous and sounds like something someone would use as emotional blackmail. If children have loving parents they don't need step parents. I have never nor would I ever refer to my parents partnes as my step parents. You will never ever be replaced as the baby's mother Flowers

Bottlecap · 06/10/2015 09:05

Sorry OP. Dealbreaker for me. Do you have any other children with him?

PenelopeChipShop · 06/10/2015 09:10

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I couldn't believe when I saw this title as it's what I'm going through too. I'm 15 weeks pregnant now and found out a month ago that DH has been - at the very least - having an EA for months and I suspect physical too but he hasn't admitted to that.

My response has been to book a counsellor - our first session is next week. I am willing to try to work through this with the counsellor as a witness before I totally give up. But what I really want is a full confession. I feel I have been told the bare minimum that he can get away with - I suspect you have too.

It's so so shit and I really feel for you - I am staggered there are 3 of us just on this thread in this position. I don't know if you would consider counselling to help you get the truth too but that's what I'm going to try.

But honestly the way I feel at the moment is that the trust is gone - I will try to rebuild it but if I cannot do so then it is over, yes.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 09:17

We have 2 other children, and have been together almost 10 years.

OP posts: