Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To divorce over his emotional affair? And I'm pregnant.

166 replies

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:24

Husband was away for work.
Whilst away, a "friend" told him that she liked him. He told her he liked her to and carried on an emotional affair for a week. He fessed up when he accidentally messaged me instead of her to let her know he was awake if she wanted to call him.
He's now begging me to give him another chance. Says he just got caught up in the feeling of being wanted by someone else. He loves me, blah blah blah.
And I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...
I do love him.
But I won't be with someone who treats me like that. So I've decided it's over....
I just need other opinions as I don't know if I'm being an irrational pregnant lady...

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 12:17

He has left his phone on the kitchen table since he got home so that i can have access to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 12:19

Yes I think it's so much worse to do it when I'm pregnant too.
I'm home looking after our two kids, and growing our third one (so I've been throwing up etc) and he's carrying on with her...Angry

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 12:22

That phone may not be his only phone.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 05/10/2015 12:23

I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

You've already had some good advice - don't be hasty, and don't make YOUR decision based on what other people might do/think you ought to do. Only you and he can work through this. You have to decide whether he deserves the chance to prove himself. He has to know he's guilty of hurting you, and that he must not minimise what has happened, and must be 100% honest with you and understand you are going to be upset and find it hard to trust him.

I would need to be VERY convinced that he was not just making up the story he thought would cause least damage/suspicion, and that there was not a full affiar/even a series of affairs going on.

How has his manner been - guilty and profoundly apologetic, or more defensive and 'it's no biggie' ?

LisaD1 · 05/10/2015 12:24

You are perfectly entitled to end the relationship if this is a deal breaker for you. Everyone has their own limits and only you know yours.

For me personally, an emotional affair of any length would be a deal breaker for me. My DH is not easy to attach yourself to emotionally and I would be beyond upset and angry if he gave his headspace to another woman/relationship in that way.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 05/10/2015 12:25

OP if you click on report and ask MNHQ, they will move it to relationships for you

Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 12:27

He's been massively apologetic and realises the extent of what he's done.
It's like he only realised how bad it was once his head was out of the clouds and back in the real world.

But it's a bit late to be sorry now.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 05/10/2015 12:29

I'd be straight down to relate with him and hash this out, one way or another. A third child was a big strain on our marriage and we didn't have this - you both need support if your going to work this out

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 12:30

you might find the cheater's script useful

skyeskyeskye · 05/10/2015 12:37

My XH had an emotional affair and left. I begged him to come back, but don't know if I actually would have been able to get past it if he had returned and stayed. Every time his phone pinged I would have wondered who was contacting him....

You need to be sure that he is telling the truth now and that there is not more to come. What would have happened if you hadn't found out? He did this while you are pregnant, will he do it again?

it would take a lot of work on both your parts, him to realise why he did it and for you to be able to accept what has happened and forgive and move on. It may be possible, it may not, depending on the type of person that you are.

Only you can make that decision. For some people any sort of infidelity means it is over, others can accept that it was not a full blown affair and deal with it and move on.

It depends on how much you can trust him ongoing, as it will eat away at you if you can't trust him.

If you want this moved, report your own post and ask MN to move it to relationships.

Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 12:42

We were in a bit of a crap patch in our marriage. We had disconnected from each other (but still managed to get pregnant, ha!).

But that's not an excuse to have an emotional affair. He should be putting that effort into fixing his marriage instead of investing in someone that lives on the other side of the country.

OP posts:
miaowroar · 05/10/2015 12:46

Flowers - you must be feeling delicate

Perhaps check he hasn't got another phone in his car?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/10/2015 12:52

If you have young children then home life will have it's challenges - like you say that's no excuse but should be time to man up and pull his weight.
As I said though, from my experience, this would be quite a finely balanced judgement. But that's just me. It depends how you feel, and maybe what has been going on & for how long?

KurriKurri · 05/10/2015 13:07

For me an emotional affair is just another kind of affair and would be a deal breaker - end of marriage (in my XH's case the emotional affair led to a physical one - I am sure if he had been caught earlier during the emotional one he would have been 'really sorry etc etc') It all comes down to deception and betrayal, and then you have to think about future trust - can you ever trust him again or will you always be torn up wondering what he is up to behind your back.

So it is your call - but it is about You and your needs and how you want to live your life - not about how he feels and how sorry he is etc, he;s betrayed you. The fact that you are pregnant makes it worse IMO - you are carrying his child, he was happy enough in his marriage to allow that to happen. And don't make excuses for him about going through a sticky patch etc - all marriages go through sticky patches -they either finish or get better but until the decision is made either way, decent people don't go testing the water elsewhere.

You don't have to make an instant decision, you will be feeling shocked from discovering his infidelity. So take your time - think through everything you need to, decide what it would take for you to be able to trust him again - counselling or whatever - or whether you don't think that is possible. He can wait, he had plenty of time to think when he was messaging this woman - now you need time to think things through.

Good luck.

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 13:09

YY Radio Helen, yuk Sad

how awful for you op, I have to admit thinking of dr foster by view is colourd.

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 13:11

Op no your view is not heightened by pregnancy at all. Its rubbish and I couldn't trust either.

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 13:11

there are no excuses.

Cherrybakewells1 · 05/10/2015 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 13:17

I find it very hard to believe that it was "only" an emotional affair and nothing physical happened. I also think it's been going on much longer than a week. The problem is that you can't trust him, can you? Even if he is telling the truth, you will always have a nagging doubt.

Is there any way you could do some more digging to be more sure what happened? Look at emails, messages and call history on his phone? I would find out what I can without telling him. If I wasn't getting far I would sit him down and get him to tell me trust, give me access to everything to prove it. If he refused I'd know he was lying and would have something to hide.

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 13:18

tell me the truth, not trust!

magoria · 05/10/2015 13:21

Not surprised to hear you were in a crap patch and a bit distant with each others.

This tends to happen as cheaters withdraw their finer/better moods and personalities from their current P and invest it in the person they are currently enjoying. It suggests this has been going on longer than a week...

The phone will be scrupulously clear of anything incriminating.

He will also be minimising (lieing) through his teeth.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 13:27

It is likely you were in a "crap patch" in your marriage because of your husband's attention being elsewhere and the fact he would have to distance himself from you to justify his shitty behaviour

Not your fault, and do not take any blame for it.

Gatehouse77 · 05/10/2015 13:33

You may want other people's opinions but, ultimately, it's YOUR opinion that matters.

Your the one who to decide if you can trust him, if you want to trust him.

Whatever you decide, it's going to be hard for a time. Personally, I would go with your gut instinct - it's usually right.

My only advice would be that once the nature of the relationship has been decided and this incident dealt with, you have to leave it behind. If you want a good relationship with the father of your child bringing it up repeatedly as ammunition in an argument, snide comments, etc. will slowly destroy each other.

Jux · 05/10/2015 13:40

The trouble is that you will probably never know for certain. You are going to have to decide whether you can trust him enough to let it go, or whether you you will not be able to.

Partly that is down to what sort of person you are. Are you able to compromise on something like this, forgive, or is this the other side of your line in the sand?

Mainly, though, it's down to him. What does he plan to do to regain your trust? It goes a lot deeper than allowing you access to his phone. He will need to work hard to show you. Only you know how he could do that, or whether it is possible for him to do it.

Iusedtobeapenguin · 05/10/2015 14:04

I don't understand how somebody can have an 'emotional affair* for a week? Surely emotional affairs happen when two people get too close and develop feelings for each other that they should only have for their respective partners. How can that happen instantly (or in a week?).

It doesn't make sense so I think there must be more to it that he hasn't told you OP. That and the fact that it seems to have only stopped because you (accidentally) found out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread