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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To divorce over his emotional affair? And I'm pregnant.

166 replies

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:24

Husband was away for work.
Whilst away, a "friend" told him that she liked him. He told her he liked her to and carried on an emotional affair for a week. He fessed up when he accidentally messaged me instead of her to let her know he was awake if she wanted to call him.
He's now begging me to give him another chance. Says he just got caught up in the feeling of being wanted by someone else. He loves me, blah blah blah.
And I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...
I do love him.
But I won't be with someone who treats me like that. So I've decided it's over....
I just need other opinions as I don't know if I'm being an irrational pregnant lady...

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 09:20

Penelope, what has he said to you? Does he say he wants to make it work? Do you believe he actually loves you and wants the marriage? It's so so hard.

OP posts:
PenelopeChipShop · 06/10/2015 09:34

He says he wants to make it work, yes. I do believe he still loves me, the trouble is I think this could have killed my love for him.

In our case I think my DH is actually quite a selfish person - this wasn't a problem until we had our son and I think he has struggled with 'losing' my attention to him (not an easy baby, bad sleep for years etc). Then when he was 18 months old my mum got cancer and I was very distracted. I think he feels he hasn't had enough attention and sought it elsewhere.

This is just my very basic analysis. The one thing he has said that rings true for me is when I asked him why he did it - he said 'I want the best of all possible worlds.' Now that was honesty. Unfortunately it also means he is a complete shit.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 10:02

I have a complete shit husband here too.
He did it because it felt good and he liked it.
How do you move forward once they treat us like this?

OP posts:
Madratlady · 06/10/2015 10:39

I'm asking myself the same question Marcher, I can't decide if mine is incredibly selfish or genuinely can't see what he's doing. I don't know where to go from here.

Oly5 · 06/10/2015 10:42

If go for couples counselling personally. I would be sooo hurt but I woudn't throw away a marriage over it. And the father of my baby

NameChange30 · 06/10/2015 10:45

"I wouldn't throw away a marriage over it"!!!
I think you'll find the cheating bastards are the ones who've thrown away their marriages.
Marcher and Madratlady only you know whether you can get past this. Do what you have to do. I for one would never accuse or judge if you decided the marriage was over. I just can't see how you can get past the fact that the bastards are STILL lying.

DoJo · 06/10/2015 10:47

I would be sooo hurt but I woudn't throw away a marriage over it.

That, of course, is up to you, but if the OP (or any other poster) doesn't feel that they can forgive their husbands, then I would say it is their husbands who have 'thrown away' the marriage with their actions. They have chosen to betray the trust that they knew was placed in them and none of the women on this thread should feel as though they are the ones responsible for doing any 'throwing away'.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 06/10/2015 11:04

From what Ive seen and read the only way to get past this is if the cheater is completely open and honest going forward. That means you get full access to all their phone, email, social media accounts for as long as you want it. They have to accept that they were 100% in the wrong to do what they did and they have to be properly, truly sorry and determined never to do this again - there is no room for blaming you or making excuses. The truth is, they did it because they enjoyed the feeling and on some level told themselves they were entitled to this! Infidelity us a sign of character weakness on their part and is no reflection on you.
They don't get to tell you hoe long is a reasonable length of time to get over it and they have to accept that the consequence of their choices is that trust is destroyed and will take a very long time to rebuild. They lose the right to he automatically believed, when they tell you something.

On your part, you will have to learn not to judge him by what he says ( anyone can say 'I love you' and make promises ) but judge him instead on how he behaves. Is he listening to you, showing respect for your feelings, behaving kindly. Remember, he doesn't get to set the agenda or get fed up with waiting or anything else.

You don't have to rush this decision. It is perfectly okay to stay now and decide to leave later. You owe him nothing at this point.

Sparrowlegs248 · 06/10/2015 11:25

Everyone is different of course but I know that I couldn't get past something like this. Also, as for being more emotional due to pregnancy, that may continue right to the end of your pregnancy and beyond. It has for me. There is no way on earth we could have a reasonable relationship after an EA even if it was 'just' a week. The trust would be gone and it would eat away at me.

PenelopeChipShop · 06/10/2015 14:24

Marcher, I wish I knew. This is something I want to ask the counsellor. For one thing we need full disclosure - we can't move on until we actually know all the details, not just a few grudging minimal answers to our questions.

Once we have that then we can maybe decide whether or not we can forgive. But I do think finding this out when pregnant is another whole level of betrayal. It's such incredible deception to carry on a secret relationship knowing your wife either could be or is pregnant with your child. It's that that I may not be able to move on from, I don't know about you.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 17:09

I know what you mean about it being another level of deception while pregnant.
I cannot comprehend how you can go from wanting to have another child with your wife, to having a relationship with another woman in such a short amount of time.
And when I asked him why he'd throw his marriage away, he said he didn't think he was throwing it away. That he'd come home and we'd just move forward.
There is so much disrespect there. The fact that he thought we'd just "move forward" shows how little he cares about me and his family unit.
I just don't think there is any way to continue the marriage.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/10/2015 17:18

He has no respect for you. He considers your feelings as inferior and less deserving of acknowledgement than his own. That's not someone to make a future with.

Muckogy · 06/10/2015 17:21

i would end the marriage.

RoboticSealpup · 06/10/2015 17:40

when I asked him why he did it - he said 'I want the best of all possible worlds.'

Shit. I'm so sorry. That must have hurt like hell. You must be wondering whether it's possible to trust someone who thinks like this and just follows his dick heart regardless of how it affects others.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 17:46

I know.
If he can't respect and support his pregnant wife, how can we have any future?
It just hurts that I thought we'd be together forever, and obviously he didn't.

OP posts:
KittensandKids · 06/10/2015 17:50

I would end the marriage.

My exh cheated when I was pregnant with DS2, he told me when DS was 13 days old but deep down I knew something had happened, he said it was emotional only and we went for counselling. He stayed.

5 years later we split and he moved in with OW within one day. He is still with her now (but contacts me without her knowing saying how sad he is). It's not worth the hurt in the future imo

PenelopeChipShop · 06/10/2015 17:50

I think the only thing that is stopping me so far is fear of what will happen to the kids - it seems common these days to share custody 50/50 and I really don't want that - they should live with me. I can't stand the thought of handing them over twice a week or whatever and spending every other Christmas without them...

Want2bSupermum · 06/10/2015 17:51

You move forward by leaving on you own terms. Say nothing. Get yourself to a lawyer and get the paperwork to prove assets and income before he starts hiding things.

You say your family live interstate. Is there anywhere you could relocate to post baby where you would have some support? Can you increase your hours post divorce and increase your income?

It's a lot to take on but you owe it to your kids to show them their mother is worth more.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 17:53

Yes I'm afraid of what the future will look like too. Especially with a newborn.
And now that I've seen what he is really like, I think the separation could be incredibly messy.
But actually, it's already incredibly messy now, so maybe it can't be much worse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 17:55

I cannot move interstate. This area is my kids home, they will have to deal with enough upheaval as it is.
Yes, I might be able to increase my hours at work, I have been thinking about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 17:56

What I really don't understand, is why is he begging me to stay and give us a chance? He seems desperate to make it work.
But he obviously didn't care much when he was with her.
What the hell?

OP posts:
KittensandKids · 06/10/2015 18:00

It's what they do when they are found out sadly OP.

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 18:04

But do they actually mean it?
He obviously doesn't actually like me if he treats me like this.
So why does he bother trying to make it work, what's the point?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/10/2015 18:04

He wants his home fires burning (house cleaned, kids cared for, clothes washed, you dancing on his every whim from fear of him looking elsewhere cock sucked ) and the cosy reputation as the family man

plus his dalliances

Is that ok with you ?

Original poster
Marcher · 06/10/2015 18:06

Ha. There is no dancing on his every whim.

OP posts:
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