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Original poster

To divorce over his emotional affair? And I'm pregnant.

166 replies

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:24

Husband was away for work.
Whilst away, a "friend" told him that she liked him. He told her he liked her to and carried on an emotional affair for a week. He fessed up when he accidentally messaged me instead of her to let her know he was awake if she wanted to call him.
He's now begging me to give him another chance. Says he just got caught up in the feeling of being wanted by someone else. He loves me, blah blah blah.
And I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...
I do love him.
But I won't be with someone who treats me like that. So I've decided it's over....
I just need other opinions as I don't know if I'm being an irrational pregnant lady...

OP posts:
shutupanddance · 05/10/2015 14:17

Deal breaker for me. You have no idea what the truth is. He only told you because he got caught. You can not believe a word he says.

shutupanddance · 05/10/2015 14:20

Do not wstch Dr Foster serious

Flashbangandgone · 05/10/2015 15:26

The near consensus appears to be that divorce is appropriate....

This seems to be because his text shows that he can't be trusted and that in all likelihood it was much more that he says.... If the trust has genuinely and irrecoverably gone then OK....

However, suppose the OP did trust him..... were a 7 day 'emotional affair' like he says (and it's a big 'if' granted), would launching immediately into divorce proceedings perhaps be a little excessive?... especially as an 'emotional' affair isn't really defined. An EA could stretch from confiding as a close friend (albeit with some sexual tension under the surface) to something that contains everything and anything short of physical contact. If it were towards to former end of the spectrum, divorce seems OTT.

BoyScout · 05/10/2015 15:52

He's given you access to his phone, can you tell from that what's gone on? There must be a thread of texts between them and if there isn't, or the conversation is disjointed with some obviously missing, then you have reason to be suspicious.

Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 16:21

Everything I've seen does point to it only being a week long thing.
But, it just doesn't make sense. How do you go from "friends", to full blown emotional affair, to nothing, in a week?
I don't trust him.

OP posts:
DarkRosaleen · 05/10/2015 16:37

Hi Marcher. I'm really sorry your pregnancy is being disrupted by your husband's behaviour. My exH had numerous EAs before he decided to take the next step and have a full blown (literally and figuratively ) affair.
Being pregnant for me, heightened my emotions. It didn't give me false emotions. I felt things more strongly and more deeply. This is why he is a bigger shite than a normal shite as he should be more protective of you and your family as you progress through this pregnancy.
I hope you work out what is best for you and your family. Whether he is in your future or not.

spamm · 05/10/2015 16:40

An affair (emotional of physical) does not have to be a deal breaker but you have to make the decision. And yes, you have to be able to feel that, at some point in the future, you could trust him again.

I have been married 17 years and I think that I would treat an affair by him now very differently to how I would have treated it at the beginning of our marriage. I hope I never find out how I react, but I would now weigh the 29 years of our relationship against one slip up and try and see if I could find a way forward that I could be confident would help build the trust again. And obviously a key part of it would be my DH demonstrating in many ways that he wanted to make it work.

You need to spend some time really thinking about what you want and need from him before you decide how you want to proceed.

Muckogy · 05/10/2015 16:59

if you don't trust him that would be reason enough to consider ending your marriage.
i don't blame you - i wouldn't trust him either.

SkandiStyle · 05/10/2015 17:09

Reading a thousand very similar posts on here has taught me that there is always more to a supposed EA than is first revealed. Always.

The man will always only ever reveal the very bare minimum needed in order to get his wife off his back and put her off the scent.

If backed into a corner the bloke will usually play the 'depressed' card, and bid for sympathy because 'it wasn't his fault, it was the depression.'

Because, yeah, one of the classic symptomd of depression is the need to be unfaithful, right Hmm

In your place I would divorce because I know myself too well. I know I would never trust again and I know I would spend the next 20 years punishing him and it would just be so unfair on the both of us.

Flashbangandgone · 05/10/2015 19:00

How do you go from "friends", to full blown emotional affair

This is probably ignorance on my part, but what exactly is meant by a full blown emotional affair....

Are we talking expressions of undying love and devotion combined with steamy sexting, or a close friendship with significant emotional content (e.g. confiding in intimate issues about feelings, relationships etc.)? I'm guessing more like the former in this case?

Flashbangandgone · 05/10/2015 19:06

if you don't trust him that would be reason enough to consider ending your marriage

Isn't it more that you don't feel you could ever trust or forgive him. If other aspects of the relationship is good, and trust is generally strong, then maybe there's hope. Divorce is a major deal.... I'd give it a month and see how you feel then before rushing things.

BlueJug · 05/10/2015 19:12

What has he actually done?

I would talk it through and if you want to leave, leave. I wouldn't break up a marriage, a family until I knew a bit more though.

BlueJug · 05/10/2015 19:15

Didn't meant that as a challenge by the way but as a genuine question to try to establish the facts. It sometimes helps to clarify them before making a big decision - and this , now that you are pregnant, is huge and impacts on more than just you.

Busyworkingmum71 · 05/10/2015 19:36

My dh did some thing not dissimilar (before we were married), we rowed, we nearly split, I decided to believe his version of events, and we stayed together. I do love hiim, he is great dad and a lovely man. But I still battle with suspicion, 10 years on. He guards his phone carefully, and on the rare occasion I have been able to sneak a peak it is scrupulously clear of all texts, messenger msgs, Facebook msgs, which I think is odd as he is usually very disorganised. He now has an iPhone with fingerprint recognition and I just cannot get into it.

Your life your decision OP but if you do decide to stay with him, accept that you may forever have an intermittent nagging suspicion. Whether that is a deal breaker or not only you can decide.

Congratulations on your pg Flowers

Calminacrisis · 05/10/2015 19:40

Sorry, OP, he probably is minimising. Have been through similar. Don't make any hasty decisions. Ex and I went to couples counselling to see what, if anything, could be salvaged. We did eventually split but at least there are no nagging doubts that we acted too quickly.
Good luck. It's a crap situation Flowers

maddening · 05/10/2015 19:41

How long has he known her at all?

Madratlady · 05/10/2015 20:15

I'm in your position, except that I'm 34 weeks pregnant and we moved 100 miles away for his work in May. He's 'in love' with a girl from work and despite his initial promises that he'd back things right off and he wants to be with me he still sees her at work, goes out with her on their lunch hour, I believe he still loves and cares about me, but not enough. I'm staying until I've got used to being a mum of 2. I love him so much and i'll miss him more than i can say, but he's not willing to make any effort or even able to see that what he's doing isn't ok. I'm still holding out hope that he'll realise what he's doing but i doubt it.

If your DH is sorry, is cutting all contact with her and willing to do whatever it takes to fix things with you then i'd give him another chance. If not then what's the point?

Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 20:33

I think he's cut all contact.
He rang her and ended it properly. He put his phone on speaker, rang her and said he'd made a mistake and took things too far. That he wants to be with his wife, and said not to contact him again.
His phone has been on the kitchen table when he's home.
But really he could be messaging/calling her when he's at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 20:34

He's known her for about a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 20:35

There was no steamy sexual texts. It appears to be all emotional.

OP posts:
bedraggledmumoftwo · 05/10/2015 22:05

Are there texts at all though, or could he have cleaned up his phone before he came home? Does his phone back up to a cloud? My windows phone does and I'm sure apple stuff would. Of course he could just have another phone/email account, so it depends if you believe you are seeing the full story.

missymayhemsmum · 05/10/2015 22:10

OP, do you (gut instinct) think this a one-off, maybe a moment of terror at becoming a father, getting caught up in a friendship that became a flirtation and strong attraction, but that when push came to shove he came to his senses and chose you and your marriage, or do you think that your DH is generally unfaithful and untrustworthy?
Bear in mind that whatever you decide you will have to parent with him (assuming you go through with the pregnancy) so you don't have the luxury of ending the relationship, only of ending the marriage and releasing him to choose the OW or the next OW to stepmother your baby, sorry.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 05/10/2015 22:27

Missy, this is the 3rd, they are already parents together

Original poster
Marcher · 05/10/2015 22:30

Honestly, my gut tells me that it's a one off thing. She lives on the other side of the country, it was the last session in the course they have been on. He will never see her again.
So why on earth would he throw away our marriage?
But, I am not sure I believe he has told me the full story. I don't think I have seen all the texts. And he didn't confess, he was caught out. I cannot move forward, when I don't know exactly what I'm moving forward from.

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 05/10/2015 22:51

Oh how awful for you.

I think you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to make a long term decision right now. Obviously being pregnant will make you want to focus on the long term and have everything sorted, one way or the other, as soon as possible. I think you would be better asking him to leave for a while and give you space to figure out what you want. If he's truly sorry and wants to prove he deserves you, he should set about giving you what you need, which I suspect is a bit of space and time.

Frankly, if he can't be faithful to you when you're carrying his child, the signs aren't good and his story sounds dubious to me, but none of us knows the truth. What I do know is that if he's given you his phone to look through, if there were any incriminating evidence on it, it's long gone. It's patronising of him to assume you won't have figured that out.

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