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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To divorce over his emotional affair? And I'm pregnant.

166 replies

Marcher · 05/10/2015 11:24

Husband was away for work.
Whilst away, a "friend" told him that she liked him. He told her he liked her to and carried on an emotional affair for a week. He fessed up when he accidentally messaged me instead of her to let her know he was awake if she wanted to call him.
He's now begging me to give him another chance. Says he just got caught up in the feeling of being wanted by someone else. He loves me, blah blah blah.
And I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...
I do love him.
But I won't be with someone who treats me like that. So I've decided it's over....
I just need other opinions as I don't know if I'm being an irrational pregnant lady...

OP posts:
Iusedtobeapenguin · 07/10/2015 11:03

OP just wanted to add my thoughts that you are doing the right thing, and being incredibly strong Flowers

And don't forget - it's not you 'throwing away' anything. Your instincts are telling you he's not telling you everything so you're probably right. And if you're wrong, he's going to have plenty of opportunity over the coming months/years to move heaven and earth to prove that he's worthy of another chance...

differentnameforthis · 07/10/2015 14:56

but pregnancy hormones can undoubtedly change the way you think/feel/react to things

He cheated on her at her most vulnerable. He is about to become a dad again, and he let his dick & mind wonder elsewhere instead of being caught up in the magical time with his wife.

Too bloody right she needs to think hard about this.

but it's a big deal that you may initially still react completely differently to when pg I too think that you would react differently when NOT pregnant, but in the opposite way. If this has been discovered when op was not pregnant, she may have felt that it was more minor than it is, but a guy who is prepared (even emotionally) to cheat on his pregnant wife is, imo a special kind of twat.

And with all due respect, we aren't talking about you. We don't all react the same way during pregnancy.

This texting lark has a lot to answer for! The number of posts I have read where a flirty silly childish remark made on a text has rocked a relationship is growing daily People need to be a little bit more responsible & committed, it's hardly the fault of a piece of technology, or the ability to send electronic messages, which has been happening way longer than the dawn of the text (email?) and before that it was letters...so yeah, it's the people not the method they use.

I honestly think that social media flirting is causing a lot of relationship problems as it is so easy to get caught doing it ... What you don't know about can't hurt you!! Hmm, I think, once again, that the problem is the person. Nothing to do with being too easy to get caught!! Rather sounds like you are justifying what the dh did here, with your remarks. I don't think it's fair of you to be posting things like that on a thread where op is looking for support!!

I woudn't throw away a marriage over it I think op's dh has already pretty much done that, don't you?

SkandiStyle · 08/10/2015 16:55

I think it depends on what someone is prepared to settle for. Some women might be prepared to settle for living with nagging doubts for the rest of their lives. They might be prepared for what is essentially a sullied and tarnished relationship.

But I for one could never settle for that. If I couldn't have a marriage that wasn't strong and true then I wouldn't want a marriage at all.

Marcher · 12/10/2015 10:33

Update:
He wants to make it work. He wants to go to marriage counselling. But I'm not so sure. How do you know what to do...?

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 12/10/2015 10:42

I think you guys can go to marriage therapy while he lives elsewhere. If he wants you to take him back he needs to work damn hard at it.

I would be thinking he has seen a solicitor and, due to the financial implications, has decided to reconsider. It could also be his family who have clipped him over the ear. Either way, I'd make him work damn hard to earn his place has my DH. It would start with him staying out of the family home for now.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2015 10:45

I agree with Supermum.

DoJo · 12/10/2015 11:17

You don't have to decide anything immediately - what's your git instinct when it comes to the idea of sitting in a room with him, talking about your relationship? Do you think there is anything he could say that would make you change your mind about the potential for a future of your relationship? Do you want to fix you marriage, or is it too broken for anything more than papering over the cracks? Him wanting to go to counselling is neither here nor there - of course he wants to do whatever it takes to get his comfy life back by having someone tell him what he needs to say, but do you think you can face the idea of him trying to 'win you over'?

DoJo · 12/10/2015 11:21

gut instinct - bit of a Freudian slip there I think!

BobbyV · 12/10/2015 13:10

Hi Marcher
Im so sorry you're going through such a rubbish time and hope yr feeling ok and the pregnancy is going well.
What u choose to do is absolutely your choice but i wanted to post to say that it is possible to rebuild a marriage after an emotional affair.
Obviosuly both partners must want to 100% otherwise it wont work.
Couples counselling can be really helpful in dealing with all the emotions/worries/questions etc and i can recommend a book by Shirley Glass called Not just friends. You should both read it as it offers insight from both perspective.
I hope you're doing ok hun sending hugs xx

TempusEedjit · 12/10/2015 13:31

Is he still insisting it was only one week's emotional affair or has he admitted to anything more? Do you believe you have the full truth out of him yet?

If he's serious about the counselling he should be making arrangements to go by himself even if you choose not too seeing as he's the one who messed up. If he only wants to have joint counselling blame you in front of a third party then it would suggest that he only sees it as a means to an end to get what he wants which would be pointless imho.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2015 13:34

Tempus makes a good point - if you're willing to do couple's counselling I would make it conditional on him telling the whole truth about the affair. If he insists he's told you everything and your gut tells you he's lying I think that should be the #1 topic for discussion!

Oly5 · 12/10/2015 19:01

Couples counselling is in no way a cop-out....! Could do you both the world of good. But I agree that he needs to admit the truth. Ask to speak to the OW!

Marcher · 13/10/2015 00:29

Actually I think my biggest issue now is that I feel like his second choice.
He messaged first thing in the morning, last thing at time and even had a 2am phone call. He doesn't ever do that with me.
So there is no hope of "saving" the marriage I assume?

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 13/10/2015 01:20

god theres some right shitty men on these forums.....my heart break for this person tight now

AyeAmarok · 13/10/2015 05:58

He messaged first thing in the morning, last thing at time and even had a 2am phone call. He doesn't ever do that with me.

This is something that, long term, I'd struggle with, and not be able to shake off. Like I'm just not worth making the effort for.

(((hugs)))

Marcher · 13/10/2015 06:04

I think it's what I will be what I can't get past.
When I said it to him, he said he will make more of an effort to message me. Well, that's exactly the problem. He didn't need to "make an effort" to message/call her. He did it because he wanted to.

It's just so hard. As I type this I can feel a little baby kicking in my belly. I'm shattered.

OP posts:
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