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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 20:36

thehypocritesoaf, sometimes its good to know opinion from side ... like a option
and that is my opinion. you dont like it becaus its not same like yours

thehypocritesoaf · 07/10/2015 20:36

Really?

MrsSadness · 07/10/2015 20:39

Tam How do you even know that OP's husband didn't sleep with this woman at the wedding? Hmm 'Flirting' in this manner for you clearly isn't a deal breaker. It would be and is for many people, including OP. They already had a discussion about his behaviour and were supposed to be working on their marriage. He wasn't working too hard on it because he was being creepy sending messages to another woman. So stop being a cheat apologist and STFU. What you would do is just your opinion so you've made it now so you can get off OP's case! Hmm

MrsSadness · 07/10/2015 20:40

Oh and:

Tamilla: i think about family and about child ... and my advise about how to keep family together

What a shame HE wasn't doing the same.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 20:46

ok girls.... i hope you never flirt with another man. and if you flirt so you know what to do - divorse... and in few years you will explane your kids that you live his father bacaus of flirting and chating in internet.
that is yours choice

but i really whant to look what auton of topic think.

MrsSadness · 07/10/2015 20:47

Ok Tamila, thanks....

thehypocritesoaf · 07/10/2015 20:48

Yes dear.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 07/10/2015 21:50

Tamilla I said it was INAPPROPRIATE! Eg...totally stepping over the line not just being a bit flirty-of course people flirt and I'm not that precious that as soon as my H shows attention to someone else I'm calling it a 'tragedy!'
Thanks for your input but in 11 pages of amazing help and advice I will only be discounting everything you have said so you may as well stop contributing here

OP posts:
donajimena · 07/10/2015 22:32

tamilla to me a 'flirt' is giving someone the glad eye. Or an invitation to coffee? Not a request into someone's dressing gown. Thats an invitation in my book. Which is fine unless you have a partner/husband

lavenderhoney · 07/10/2015 22:37

Do your best to ignore the twunt and give yourself plenty of time to find out of you really want him back and prepared to do the work if he is, or actually it's a bloody relief he's finally fucked off and you can get on.

Plenty of time means doing nice things for yourself and making a nice life, not sobbing and waiting for him to decide what happens next. He will struggle with that concept. Sure, you can go for counselling together etc, but make him aware ( and the counsellor) that as it might not end up in happily ever after together, you'll be improving your life as you go, without him.

Can you look at getting child counselling for your DC ( ask the school) re her friend etc? As you have a lot on and it might help both of you. Unless you are really lucky and you have a close family member who is awesome, nd she likes them? Just for six months or something, to ease your emotional burden.

Marmotte3 · 08/10/2015 00:01

tamilla - there are some people on here who are trying to provide some help, support and a balanced view of what the OP is going through. You seem to be just poking around for info out of idle curiosity, find something else to do.

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 08:12

Rainbowlou1, i dont say that what your hasband is did is nothing... is painful. but i showed you that you didnt catch him on sex... just deeeeep deeep flirting... and that just my opinion which not have to be same like yours... or you was waiting on that chat just opinion which same like your?

CactusAnnie · 08/10/2015 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meerka · 08/10/2015 08:21

Heh.

Good luck with accepting that in your relationship tamilla.

This man clearly wanted to shag this woman even though he'd promised not to have contact with her anymore ... a promise made to his wife.

Sorry, but why should women be expected to suck up shit behaviour like this?

She might have cared about the marriage. He didn't care about her, or his own promise, or his marriage vows ... "forsaking all others".

There's very little marriage left when you can't trust your husband to keep his word.

As for thinking of the child, well, the child picks up on much much more than adults used to think ... And a lot of grown up children from unhappy and untrusting relationships say they wish their parents had parted. I think myself that the expectation that parents would stay together no matter came about because women were so very dependent on their husbands financially.

It's a better situation where women are not dependent so much, where their thoughts and needs are taken seriously as well as the man's, and where they can demand integrity from their partners ... Just as men can demand integrity from their partners.

Out of interest, do you really think that her husband would have accepted this behaviour if it'd been the OP doing it? I don't. Double standards are pretty rife.

It's a very very good thing that the OP can take her time to think for herself and decide what -she- wants.

Meerka · 08/10/2015 08:23

And OP, wishing you all the best. YOu are behaving with immense strength and dignity, even though it doesn't feel like it.

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 08:26

Marmotte3, i just dont think that support to divorce can call "help"...
i thing that is very big mistake to divorce because of such situation.
if somebody not share your opinion it does not you have right

CantAffordtoLive · 08/10/2015 08:51

Well tamilla you are entitled to your opinion, but its pretty obvious that not a lot of people agree with you.

OP I'm with you and everyone else who thinks his behaviour is not tolerable and I wish you all the best.

tiredvommachine · 08/10/2015 10:06

Oh, just fuck off.

TellMeALittle · 08/10/2015 10:14

Op, I've just read the thread.

Sending you love and strength at this difficult time.

BobbyV · 08/10/2015 10:23

I've been watching this thread with interest but recently it seems to have gotten a little erm tetchy

OP, I hope you're doin ok hun, it's a shitty situation to be in but trying to look at the positives in the situation hopefully this has been caught before it has become a sexual affair.

Now that is not to say that an emotional affair is any the less devastating. I think what tamilla is trying to get across is that you can save your marriage. Whilst what he has done is totally unacceptable you have the chance to reconnect with each other, find out where your individual vunerabilities are and work on them to create a stronger marriage. This is entirely possible. Getting over an emotional affair is easier than a sexual affair.

Definately go to counselling together. Best of luck and keep us posted xx

BobbyV · 08/10/2015 10:26

That said ... you both have to want to work through it 100%

If one of you doesn't 'buy' into working it out then it won't

At the end of the day it is up to you OP to decide if this is worth throwing your marriage away for

xx

TellMeALittle · 08/10/2015 10:30

Tam - I think you are minimising and making excuses for this man.

What about his marriage vows and being loyal to his wife that had already discovered "flirty" messages, that she had somewhat forgiven.

Op then discovers more of the same. It was perfectly clear to the op's husband that this was unacceptable for her, yet he lied and continued with inappropriate messaging.

It's this that the op is working through here. Your original post sounded incredulous to this fact.

happyending14 · 08/10/2015 10:35

In a way I think tamilla has a point. Many women forgive a full-blown affair. This is a brief flirtation. Yes it's out of order and I agree that the op's husband sounds like a sleaze but I would understand how a couple could move on from this.

thehypocritesoaf · 08/10/2015 10:40

Of course they can move on. No one has said they can't. No one has said ltb. No one has said you must divorce, now!!

However, he has secretly been pursuing another woman- she discovered it and asked him to stop. He refused to stop and even told her it's her fault.

The op is doing the right thing by saying woah this is completely unacceptable to me (and 95% of women.) Let's stop and think about what you're doing....

Why wouldn't anyone do this?

Meerka · 08/10/2015 10:56

happyending, it's not only what her husband did flirting/affair wise. He broke his promises to her. She'd have to be able to trust him. he promised her to break contact, deleted the number etc ... then less than two weeks later he's trying to get into this woman's dressing gown.

He sounds like he checked out of commitment to the marriage a while ago, tbh; around the time it got tough.