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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
MinnieF1 · 06/10/2015 23:10

Hope you are getting on ok rainbow. Hope work went ok.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 10:37

maybe i am stupid but can you explane in simple way what happened?
he has sex with another girl? he had relations with another? or what?

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 07/10/2015 16:45

Tamilla in a nutshell he met a girl at a wedding, they exchanged numbers and I had no idea...we were going through a rough time but had agreed to work things out but when he got back my gut feeling was that something had happened but I couldn't put my finger on it so for the first time in 10 years i looked at his phone where there were some very inappropriate and flirty messages between her and him..I went ballistic he swore it was nothing and he deleted her number etc anyway they then 2 weeks later messaged each other-she sent a picture of herself in a gown in a hotel room with the bed turned down and he replied saying he wanted to get in her gown...but the stupid prick sent it to me by mistake

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 07/10/2015 16:47

I'm doing ok we have spoken...he has been very tearful and I have screamed and shouted lots!
I told him this is on my terms now and that I don't need to make any decisions yet about where we go from here...
I'm just shattered but now I've made the choice to NOT do the pick me dance for anyone I'm feeling so much stronger x

OP posts:
tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 17:15

so... He was flirting with another woman - thats all?
do you have some evidance that he had sex with her?

if sex was not, why you make a tragedy?
Have you never flirted with other men?
Why ruin a marriage because of flirting?

3littlebadgers · 07/10/2015 17:57

Yey! You are doing so well rainbow. Good for you. Whatever you decide will be on your terms and what is best for you and your family. Smile

Scarydinosaurs · 07/10/2015 18:01

rain well done for giving yourself time to think it through.

tam RTFT do you often tell other men you want to be in their pants? Your husband would be an utter mug to stand for that. That isn't a loving or mature relationship.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 18:24

Scarydinosaurs, why you decide "That isn't a loving or mature relationship"?
you never flirting with man?

Lacoba66 · 07/10/2015 18:28

tam are you a man Grin

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 18:38

Lacoba66 noooo
i am a real woman )) just from ukraine ... its can be understand from my mistakes .. sorry for that

but i think in that case the autor of topic dont have any avidance that husband has sex.... he frirting - ok... but he sorry about that. he understan that was mistake. woman dont flirting with man?
i think its just hart relations for marriage but not enough for divorce.

notapizzaeater · 07/10/2015 18:38

Don't be rushed into making any decisions, take all the time you need.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/10/2015 18:42

I never tell men I want to get in their pants, no. That's not flirting, in my eyes, that's propositioning someone.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 19:00

maybe that was proposition but we dont know it sure... and he was close to change... but he did not
can we panish person for thoughts?

Squishyeyeballs · 07/10/2015 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 · 07/10/2015 19:23

Tam, we all have our own personal threshold as regards acceptable behaviour.

It is not for you to come onto rainbow's thread and question her reaction to her husband's disrespectful way of behaving behind his wife's back. You're just minimising something that, in isolation may be no big deal to you. But it say a whole lot about his mentality in their marriage

To many people it is a deal breaker.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 19:29

daisychain01 , ok. but is it correct to put a "breaker" for toughts?
i dont push somebody to change rules of relations... just discussion

pocketsaviour · 07/10/2015 19:37

It wasn't thoughts though Tam, was it? He actively asked for this woman's number, and sent her flirting texts. That's not a thought, that's communication, and most people would see it as a desire to make the communication into a shag.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 19:51

pocketsaviour, that was akting of flirting but not akting of sex. and i I doubt that this family has an agreement prohibiting flirting. have it?

Lweji · 07/10/2015 20:01

Tamilla, you could be happy with whatever you want.

The OP isn't. It's her relationship. She knows what she is happy with and it's not this type of "flirting".

Surely, you don't want a supporting thread to descend on what level of "flirting" is acceptable or not.

It's a personal choice and Rainbow's choice must not be overruled by anyone else's.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 20:08

Lweji , i dont try to overrule... its just my opinion on situation
and i didnt say i be happy in that siyuation. i just whant to show that everybody is flirting... maybe not so deep like that man...
distroy happy family about flirting ... that is strange

thehypocritesoaf · 07/10/2015 20:12

It is strange that this guy approaches women, takes their phone never, sends them flirty messages, has a massive row with his wife about it, then carries on doing it as if his wife doesn't exist at all and you think SHE is destroying a happy family.

Yarboosucks · 07/10/2015 20:28

This is OP's thread, she is upset, it is her marriage, her children, her future, her husband. She knows her feelings and her reactions and the ramifications of her husband's behaviour. She came here for support after getting a horrible shock in the middle of the night. I sincerely hope that she can work things out with her husband, because I do believe in marriage and I believe that divorce is often an emotional and financial disaster for a family (DV notwithstanding). She did not ask to be judged, she asked for support. Keep the thread as that. If you think her reaction is wrong, go over to AIBU and put your opinion out there. Keep this place a safe place for OP.

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 20:29

thehypocritesoaf, he was wrong to flirt. but how i understand he sorry about flirting and dont want to divorse... but she think about this.
camoooneee.... divorse about flirting...

thehypocritesoaf · 07/10/2015 20:32

some people don't feel their partners should be pursuing other women- especially just days after you've begged them not to.

Why are you telling her she must accept this treatment?

tamilla8484 · 07/10/2015 20:33

Yarboosucks...
i think about family and about child ... and my advise about how to keep family together....
i am sorry, but i am adult enough to decide wherer and what to write