is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

[Rainbowlou1]

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

Absolutely Madrat
I wish I had discovered MN before my Ex had an affair.
I would have handled it sooooo much better.

OP, don't be surprised if you don't sleep but I really hope you do.
Your brain just kicks into overdrive when you shut your eyes.
But... you will get there.
Take it slow, take it at your pace.

I don't know what happens at marriage counselling.
The only way to find out is to give it a go and see what happens.
It may help immensely or it may help you split up more amicably if that is what comes out of it all.

Try to sleep tight.

Tell you what Rainbow I'm amazed at your strength and courage. Well done (not meant to be patronising)
I let a dick head destroy me over similar. I've been very ill and you are not going down that road! .
Early days obviously. But you are doing all the right things it seems.
We are certainly all here for you

Rainbow I am impressed with how quickly you have seen through to the core of your horrible situation. I honestly don't know how you have managed to go to work and give your children a fun evening, but it must show you how strong you are.

I believe you have taken the hardest step - now don't let him undermine your position of power or rush you into a decision. Whatever you decide it must be YOUR decision and you must make sure you get the time and space to make the right one for you.

Fully endorse what a pp said about Mumsnet - if only it had been around 12 years ago - or even 20 years ago when XH had his first affair - how different my life could have been!

I had my eyes well and truly opened on Saturday night by a man who knew what marriage is about.

I thought he was nice looking so went to say hello (I was tipsy!) and he said 'As lovely as you are, I'm married with 3 children and I love my life but nice to meet you.' I was so happy! I've got such a dismal view of men that such a respectful but firm blow off showed me that there are decent men out there who don't play games with women and their dc's lives.

That's respect and my bar has been set higher now, I'd expect that from any man I got in a relationship with. You should expect that at the very least from a husband Rainbow.

Oh god you're all so lovely!i don't feel strong at all...if it wasnt for my wonderful children I guess!im sure it will feel worse before it gets better!xx

Sleep tight. It will get better, no matter which way you choose to go.

I think you got a rather negative picture of marriage counselling. A good counsellor will use the first session to see if you are going to be able to work together. It's really important that you feel safe enough with someone so that you can talk about the things that really matter. The agenda is yours, so what happens is whatever you and your DH bring up with the counsellor. My DP and I went to counselling and it was the best thing we ever did. When I was talking she would ask DP what he thought about what I was saying and half the time he wasn't listening, so she picked up on that..........and then if either of us said something to her, she would say "N can you say that to X" - so getting us to say things to each other, in a calm way, although sometimes we got angry and sometimes I cried.

I learned things about my DP that I never knew (and we have been together over 40 years) and started to understand how conflict started - it was a real eye opener. The same was true for him because I said things he'd never heard me say before. We talked a lot about our childhoods and parents and about the way in which childhood worries followed us into our adult lives etc.

It cost £40 a session so not cheap and we went for 18 months. I think Relate are cheaper, and they also help couples split amicably if that is what needs to happen in the end. I certainly think it's something you should do, but it isn't easy or comfortable and it's very tiring. I used to sleep in the car on the way home!

You are doing great and standing firm. Your emotions will be all over the place . Sometimes calm, sometimes angry, sometimes sad. It's been an awful shock.

Just hang on in there.

Sometimes the most powerful thing to do....is to do nothing. Taking a big step back and letting it all unfold sometimes gives you a a wider perspective on the whole situation/ the whole scenario/ your whole relationship.

Take to keeping a journal. Write your feelings down. Every little scrap of thought or emotion.

It's good to get it out of your head.
stops the thoughts whirling round and round endlessly.
I kept mine. It's the most amazing drivel but it helped me to keep my sanity.

Give it a go ;-)

He's already made his decision. If you fight, you'll use your energy fighting for something that has already gone. Put your energy into fighting for a future for you and your children, instead.

My honest opinion (for what it's worth), is that right now he should be doing the 'pick me, pick me dance' he should be saying "this is ALL my fault" and he should be thinking "how do I fix this? How do I heal this hurt I've caused?". The fact you feel that he doesn't care enough to 'just turn up' speaks volumes to me.

Do what's right for you and don't feel guilty-especially about where he's going to sleep, he should have considered that before he pressed send.

Stay strong and do what's right for you right now-you clearly have an inner core of steel whether you realise it or not.

Sending you a large [hot milk] and a decent nights sleep.

Agree with ankle biter ..its for him to do the pick me dance
You are fantastic. Right now he's a shit.
Keep going rainbow x

Bother oh bother, this not sleeping lark is a pain! I go to sleep and wake about 3am. Anyhow, sometimes I check out posts on mumsnet. Not a good idea as I start thinking about some of the situations and can't get back to sleep!

Anyhow, I digress. I do think it is a wonderful thing for women who are worried, unhappy or lonely to have this board to vent on. A bit like the Samaritans in a way. However sometimes I find it very disturbing to read some of the advice. The Samaritans listen and don't tell people what to do. They let the person come to the decision themselves. Counsellor are the same. They lead you into making your own decision. What do you think your choices are? Etc, etc. however, I do find it very disturbing sometimes when I read some of the advice given to people who are clearly under stress and don't know what to do. Sometimes they are at a pivotal point in their situation. Making a decision is going to affect their future for the better -
or for the worse. That decision should be theirs alone, based on careful consideration of their own feelings and knowledge of the situation.
Whenever I have taken well meaning advice, it has turned out badly for me. With hindsight I wish I had followed my own gut feeling. I think we should all be mindful and careful in our advice to posters, especially when we are advising them to 'ditch the bastard', and other advice in a similar vein. It is easy to allow our own emotions and experiences to influence our view of a situation. if I give advice I would tend to err in the side of caution. Wait and see how it pans out, When in doubt, do nowt, sleep on it for a few days, etc. things usually become clear when one plays the waiting game. Acting in haste often does result in repenting at leisure. Anyhow just sayin', I think it may be a good thing to tread carefully before jumping in with life changing advice!!

I totally agree with you marzipan and I for one have not told her to do that.

I've told her to get herself some thinking space away from him by taking a step back.

When you are up close to someone who has hurt you so badly and they are making all the excuses known to man it's all too easy to be blindsided by them and drawn into their drama so much so that your own rationale flies out the window.

By removing him from the situation by keeping a cool clear head herself she is in a much better position to re evaluate her thoughts, feelings...and future.

She can see a snapshot of what life looks like without him in it. She can also see how much effort he makes to try to repair the damage he's caused to ALL their lives.

I'd never wish this on another woman but at least rainbow knows what he's been up to. I was cruelly strung along for 10 harsh months while my exh denied totally the existence of another woman. I was made to feel unloveable a failure and a reject. He plunged the knife in and twisted it.

What rainbow does about her marriage is entirely up to her. We are just propping her up with our stories. How for a certain type of man there appears to be an unwritten script they doggedly follow.

Some men mess up once and spend a lifetime putting it right. Is mr rainbow like that. Only can op decide. Some men like my ex spend a lifetime chasing skirt and each time it gets easier and easier and meanwhile their respect for you lessens so much that you eventually begin to wonder why you don't feel very happy.

Rainbows husband might be in the first group. I hope he is. As a previous marriage guidance counsellor I used to feel terribly sad when a couple decided to split but far rather she know now it isn't going to work than spends years with the wrong man only to split in the future when she may be even more vulnerable.

This is a crisis situation and her actions now can determine what sort of a future she has in store.

So I managed some sleep but feel like shit today...he messaged me a lot last night but I'm standing firm and not making any decisions until I feel stronger.
Have a mega day at work today so will pop back later xx
And hugs for everyone else in this shitty situations xx

Oh well done rainbow! Whatever happens it's up to HIM to give you a reason to consider staying. His fuck-up, his job to fix it.

Well done on the training too xx

Will be thinking of you today rainbow. MX.

You are one strong, "don't fuck with me" woman. Impressed! Your dh will hopefully have a lot more respect for you now.

Rainbow I'm glad you're taking this space from him to decide what you want to do. It's important that you have time to process what has happened and that he too has time to think about what he has done.

I hope this brings you to a happier place and well done on being such an amazing example for your DCs.

Well done rainbow!!!

Could you ask him to not contact you for 24 hours or whatever period you need? It's hard to think clearly.

I am so sorry to hear what is happening, but you sound like you are coping really well. Its not until something like this happens that you find your inner strength.

My advice is to give yourself space and time (which you are doing already), and remember you don't have to make any decisions. I would also advocate researching all the facts and options in the meantime. I looked up what child maintenance payments would be, family credit or any other benefits I might be entitled to. I also looked at what sort of mortgage I might be able to afford on my own. You might want to think about making a visit to the CAB or have a free 1/2 hour with a solicitor. This made me feel very empowered and meant I didn't make a decision based on fear. It also put the fear of god into my partner.

Like you I hadn't realised how my partner had become my only friend. I have also spent time re connecting with old friends and making a new social circle.

You will get through this and be stronger for it.

Hi rainbow, just seeing how you are getting on, I hope today was a good one for you, or at least one that you could cope with keep smiling my lovely x

Hi, seconding the hope that today was better than yesterday. Did you speak with your boss?