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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
PeopleLieActionsDont · 08/10/2015 11:00

I just want to add that when you do eventually speak to him, pleasecdon't let him put any of the blame for his behaviour onto you. Lots of marriages have problems, but not everyone cheats. His behaviour is entirely down to his own character flaws.
I would also say that this is unlikely to be the first time and you may discover your marriage problems are due to behaviour like this from him.

There are reasons to stay in a marriage as well as reasons to leave. I think you can only stay when the cheater is genuinely sorry (not just going through the motions of saying it) and does everything possible to put it right. Your h is already trying to shift blame onto you, which is sleazy and cheap.

differentnameforthis · 08/10/2015 11:16

Just because one person had the affair, does not make it all their fault Yes it does. If there are problems in the marriage, talk. Don't text/have sex with someone else.

tamilla8484 Stop minimising what the op is feeling. This is op's marriage, she gets to decide what is a deal breaker for her, not you, not us. telling someone you want to be inside their gown is not flirting, it's trying to take things to the next stage.

Many women forgive a full-blown affair. This is a brief flirtation. Brief? Started at a wedding that op wasn't able to attend. OP found out about it, he promised to stop & started again as soon as he could!! You called that brief? I call it something completely different.

Op asked him to stop, he said he would. He lied & started contact as soon as he got the chance.

It doesn't matter what other women forgive, that is their choice & their marriage. OP ha made it clear that she doesn't think she is able to accept/get passed it. That is her choice.

This thread isn't about scoring points..."my neighbour forgave her dh shagging multiple women & several of them had kids, so you should accept & forgive this" bollocks to that, op decides on her boundaries, no one else.

tiredvommachine · 08/10/2015 12:09

different

Well said.

happyending14 · 08/10/2015 12:33

Of course op decides on her boundaries. She has had 12 pages of support and advice and she has said several times she is taking time to come to a decision. Her choice.

It's ok for posters to offer different viewpoints.

Jux · 08/10/2015 13:00

Tamilla, I see you're interested in having a discussion about boundaries in marriage, and also what constitues flirting. I think this is not the place for it, it is op's thread and she needs support right now, not to witness a discussion on hypothetical situations. If I were you, I'd start my own thread. Perhaps you could do that?

Jux · 08/10/2015 13:03

Rainbow, you are stronger than you believe you are. I am sorry this is happening. Keep it on your terms. Take time, and do not let him encroach on that. He needs to think about what he has done, what that could so easily have led to, and decide how he's going to make it up to you - all of which could take a long long time.

You need space to get over the shock, first and foremost, and then to think about whether you're bothered about what he's thinking about.

differentnameforthis · 08/10/2015 14:32

happyending14 yes it is OK for posters to offer differing view points.

However, it IS NOT ok to minimise what the op is going through & calling what her dh has done "just flirting" or a "brief flirtation" or saying that is she throwing away her marriage for "a little thing" when you can clearly bloody read (if you bothered) that this has completely rocked her world & left her blind sided.

It's also NOT COOL to indicate that just because others "forgive a full blown affair" that op has to forgive this.

Every single woman has a different set of boundaries for their relationship. People accept things that others won't, they forgive things that others wouldn't. It isn't fair to minimise what the op is going through "just because Barbara down the road forgave her dh's affair"

There is no right or wrong answer here for the op, just her answer, based on what she knows & how she feels.

When we start to minimise what others feel, and interject with our little pearls of wisdom that we should forgive because of X,Y, Z we are telling them that their feelings don't matter, that they don't know how they feel. That they shouldn't trust their instincts because it worked out for "Barbara" when her husband cheated.

Offer advice, yes.

Tell the op what she is feeling - No.
Tell the op that what her dh did was "little "brief" - No.
Tell her to forgive him - No.

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 15:17

TellMeALittle, i try to show the facts -no sex - why divorce?
because of pain? sometimes we bring pain to each other, we making mistakes. Or here is some women which don't make mistakes?

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 15:19

happyending14 , Thanks. you at least try to understand my point :))

MrsFring · 08/10/2015 15:22

Tamilla... Are you Borat?

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 15:26

differentnameforthis, to say truth that is not minimising - i was saying just that he didnt have sex. and in my opinion flirt not enough to divorce. (of cource if you understand family values).

Yarboosucks · 08/10/2015 15:44

The problem with flirting (and there are degrees of that) is that it can erode trust. If you don't have trust in a marriage, then you have a serious problem. Whether or not that is terminal depends on many factors, that only the people directly involved can assess. I get nervous on these discussions when I see firm advice (orders sometimes!) to kick him out, get a divorce, etc. Whilst I am really sure OP knows her own mind, it must be difficult to ignore such comments. Only OP can determine if she could learn to trust her husband again, if she believes him that this is just messages and nothing physical has happened. If OP thinks that here is a chance to rebuild and that she is willing to consider giving her H a second chance, then I could caution against radio silence for too long. But if this is one step too far for her, then one must respect that.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 08/10/2015 15:46

Tamila
He told me they didn't have sex...but because I can no longer trust him I actually can not be sure..
That is what I'm trying to get my head around...whatever he did or didn't do he has lost my trust
Unless you were there with them and have more information that I don't know yet??!

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 08/10/2015 15:48

Hi Rainbow
Hope you are doing OK. Do you know where he is staying at the moment? Is it somewhere "acceptable" - i.e. not with her

Lweji · 08/10/2015 15:58

Rainbowlou1

Any reason that you think is valid, is valid enough for a divorce. Certainly to re-evaluate your relationship. Certainly to take time out.

As you stated from the start, your marriage was in difficulties, he chose to chase other women.

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 16:04

Rainbowlou1, that is difficult situation but you have to understand that have different ways how to return trust to you relations.... and for my opinion couple first have to try to do that. why people immediately start talking about divorce?.. without trying to fix relations? divorce its easy. but strong people can fight for family and for relations. at least can try... but to fix broken relations need two person

Lweji · 08/10/2015 16:40

to fix broken relations need two person

Exactly. Two. You can't fix it if the other person doesn't want to and acts in a way to make a mockery of the relationship.

In this case it takes one (the husband) to break it.

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 16:46

Lweji , but husband says sorry and how i understand ready to work on it (or i misunderstood?)... now we need the consent of 2d person, wife

Friendlystories · 08/10/2015 16:51

Tamilla I find it a bit strange that you're so concerned as to whether op ends her relationship or not, if she feels his behaviour is unforgivable that's her prerogative. Stating your opinion once would have been one thing but why keep repeatedly labouring the point? You're not privy to the full details of op's relationship and are not in her shoes, feeling what she feels so you have no right to question her decisions. Everyone else on this thread is trying to support op (whatever she decides) and no one else is judging her or trying to change her mind, maybe you should take some tips from that about how this community works?

Lweji · 08/10/2015 17:41

He says he's sorry but his actions show he doesn't give a damn about the relationship. They were trying to fix it and he decided to chase other women.
Actions speak much louder than words.

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 17:44

Lweji , i agree about actions...

Meerka · 08/10/2015 17:47

It's strange that you keep posting when the OP has clearly said that she doesn't want your advice.

Damn rude, really.

ptumbi · 08/10/2015 17:50

no sex - why divorce - because he was trying to get sex! This was NOT flirting. This was trying to get inside another woman's dressing gown!

And just because you might not care if your dh does it, doesn't mean that OP should just allow it.

'Husband says sorry'? It take more than a few words to mend what HE has broken.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 08/10/2015 18:00

Actually I have also not said I am divorcing him I have merely stated when I am strong enough I will make a decision as to where we go now.
We have been talking and he is willing to try anything to get us back on track..ive been looking into counselling xx

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 08/10/2015 18:04

You sound strong and positive op- keep on keeping on.